sometimes I try to sound more grown up than what I feel.

you wonder how you can sit there and tell me whats wrong with my life and not get upset. that you can sit there and get upset about me telling you whats wrong with yours. How else does an ego retaliate then to attack what you see as weak in others. The ego wont admit thats what it sees weak in itself. But the ego can grab on to just that to help itself grow. Ever heard of the pain body? that addiction to being victimised. when negative thoughts just grow or grow, and you become sadder, and madder and a little more confused.
The ¨Im so stupid¨the ¨I cant believe I did that¨ the ¨Im no good¨.
It takes a little bit of honesty with the right mix of awareness. When you see it you stop it.
So many people say how difficult it is to change. How hard it is to live in the now. Have you read those spirit guides and teachers books? At first they ****** me off too, ¨All you have to do is live NOW and not NOW, NOW¨
And all I could think of was how.
How the **** do I live now, If it was that simple Id already be ******* doing it. Well you live now by living now. really is that simple.
But Ill go a step further and let you know what Im starting to figure out, again.
Thought.
Just like being aware of those bad ones be aware of those good ones. The things you love and make you happy. Think of those more often, and think of new things. Don´t forget to include yourself. Maybe Ill sound crazy and tell you to write them down and read them every morning when you wake up and every night before you go to bed. Maybe Ill go a step further and tell you to think of all the things you hate  about yourself and write down the opposite and read those everymorning and everynight.
So don´t sit there and tell me whats wrong with me when thats the exact reason you dont want to look at you.
Everyday is what you make it, might as well make it good.

And if your too lazy to even try, then at least remember this when your tired of not trying any more.

its a discontorted reality birthed from the mush of what is and could be´s but wasn´t and won´t yet still carries the presence of that which should have been what hadn´t seen before.
its a cold beer getting warm, one of three put in the fridge next to the cheese and butter under the liver across from the milk and the jelly who wanted to be eaten but only saw the hot get cold, I´ll drink you slowly tonight.
its this little fly that keeps landing on my left arm as I stare at blue capped deoderant canisters wishing for the year 1995 video game joy as I shake a shake and eat coconut tasting cookies with no coconut anything listed in the ingrediants.
its the warm night slipping his fingers down the back of your pants as you inch forward resisiting what you secretly want, a bead of sweat runs over your lips as you cry out and find your own hands reaching where warms ones wont.
its an unfinished pool that needs five truck loads of sand, three of rocks, five of dirt because the dirt can´t touch the sand and the the rocks can´t touch the pool if we want to swim while the sun is high and the clouds are sparse.
its that feeling you get as your walking up dark steps and you run you run and you never know why, its the listening without having to know, its the yes to your goodbye, its the I can so I will move on, its the no longer a boy I finally feel like a man, its any pants are too tight with a *******.
its life.

I miss something right now.


                                                                                   But...


                                           I don't know what it is.

it´s like water spilling from a leaky floorboard and your stuck in the basement.
it´s like asphalt thats too hot and you forgot your shoes at home.
it´s like the baby just pooed and it ain´t your baby, still its gotta be changed.
it´s like the wrong ***** for the right screwdriver.
it´s like a cold winters day in skinny jeans, no room for longjohns,
or a bird ******* in your hair
or carolers caroling
or kids screaming
or a broken heart and you dont know why it broke.

it´s the song that wont stop singing itself inside your head because somehow it knows you need work letting go.

hey, song, go **** yourself.

cause I´m tired of being reminded I´m no good.
cause I´m tired of feeling no good.
cause I´m tired of having dams for eyes.
cause I´m tired of being the same.

maybe its learning to rest more so I´m no longer tired of trying.
cause I´m tired of sitting on my ***,
doing nothing, about something, which is me.

fire breathing cat eating goat stealing suitcase carrying pants wearing shirt taking shoe dancing fly wishing ant eating flesh stroking candle lighting ***** who's serving wine to everyone but me.

My words will sting you one day.

the washer stopped working and i've got a soiled mind to clean,
hope has almost left me, driving down I-5, toward oncoming traffic,
my shoes no longer fit and I thought I was already a grown boy,
this is what the fish must have felt like when they starting growing legs,
I wonder if they knew they learned to walk to die,
I'll give them credit, they did a good job growing up, but did a bad job when it came to swing the bat,
if it was a meteor, but could have been  a volcano or the ice, I still don't know.
I don't know if baby jesus birthed me or if we have that common ancestor,
I think they stopped believing so they stopped eating, then waited for something else, they waited too long,
so I'm guessing they never knew when they took those first steps.

We began inventing before we began creating,
I bet star trek could clean a soul with the touch of a red button,
I don't know if hope can crash but surely he can't die,
maybe hope, I'll see you in hell, your driving just to end it,
because you wouldn't drive to leave me, I think i let you go,
I'm having trouble remembering but I promise I stopped drinking, slowed down, at least I tried.

Roller coaster rides end in bird baths, the birds aren't clean anymore,
I see them ******* to each other, all they say is "****".
I heard them, made me laugh, the little bird held up a wing I think he was giving me the finger,
how quickly a frown replaces a face, good thing I had my BB gun,
he sure fell fast, I had nothing against his friend, but I learned me a lesson: all accomplice's must die.
Fly little birdy, each flap equals one pump before you crash.
I made a river and didn't need a shovel, my tears were enough, I made little paper boats and set them on fire, I gave those little birds a  little ceremony,
I found three pearls in their charred remains.
The stars have told me they've been reborn, I'm still young, they might live to meet me.

The birds are living dinosaurs, did you know? I guess they still have hope,
but its only because they can fly, which is why they **** on car doors,
can't blame them, I'd do it too perched on top of a tree, cause I'd just need three ***** of my two wings to get up and go. No need to run. I found their secret.

I don't believe angles can fly