Christa Casper

Christa Casper Jul 2013

Untitled

I just want to fall asleep,
to be able to do that,
without the help of drugs
or extreme exhaustion.
To get rid of the deep set bruises
beneath my eyes,
and the things that i keep seeing.
So many images, and figures drifting in and out
of my consciousness.
Why can't i just fall asleep,
and not feel all of this pain
and just not feel at all?
Why can't i just make it stop?
Just please make it stop.

Christa Casper Jul 2013

Lie to Me

I think the saddest thing about getting older,
is all the things that you'll realize you never knew
about me, and how easily i hid them from you.
And you're only just seeing everything fall into place,
every excuse and subject change, and flat out lie,
because i separated myself from your life.
I finally have the freedom to leave, and
i'm disentangling our lives piece by piece.
I am who i am, especially without you,
completely mental and ****** up,
but at least now i can just be
and not worry about what you think
or wonder if you believed me when i told you
i wasn't okay.

Christa Casper Jul 2013

You

Grey is the April sky in your sad drooping eyes,
and the smell before it rains,
drifting off your skin.

Christa Casper Jul 2013

Just be

You try so hard to be what people want,
putting on a show.
Have to be funny,
Have to be cute,
Have to look good in all ways,
always.

When you met me,
you were so surprised
at how 'different' i was,
and i guess i am.

You didn't know what to do with me,
you didn't know who to be,
because all i asked of you was kindness.

Darling, you shouldn't underestimate yourself.
Just be kind and honest and find the person
you want to be, and i'll love you anyway
you go.

If you don't want to lose me again,
stop pretending for someone else
because i'm here and all i'm giving
is kindness.

Christa Casper Jun 2013

Did you hear that?

Whispers dancing
in between
thoughts and feelings
pushing and weaving
thin threads
through out my mind.
Images peaking
into the corners
of my eyes
my memory
making me
question if
anything is
real anymore.
When will there
be a middle ground
from sociopathic
to emotionally
overloaded?
When will
overwhelming
anxiety stop
and human
interaction start?
Will i ever be
fully honest
with anyone
without the
fear of rejection
for a chemical
imperfection?
Or will living
be an elaborate
lie to keep
anyone and everyone
away from
the truth
of insanity?

Christa Casper Jun 2013

I can't breathe

When I saw you in the hospital,
it was like my lungs were rejecting the oxygen in the room.
You were so still, and pale, and I kept waiting for you to wake up.
Everything had happened so fast,
and I didn't have time to react.
I saw my mother's hands around yours,
and then everyone was hugging me.
I couldn't think, I couldn't express anything.
I sat down, and a blanket of shock covered me.
I couldn't look away, you were so pale, so unnatural.
My mind was shut down, and all i could do was feel.
Everything told me that this wasn't real, that this wouldn't happen.
But there you were.
Even now I forget that you're gone,
I mean I put a rose on your casket,
I should realize that you won't come back.
I just never thought this would happen.

Christa Casper Jun 2013

Adventure is a Risk.

There's so much out there you know?
Life, and culture, and secrets, and
Adventure.
I mean here I am stuck in a backwards place,
with a pessimistic attitude and a complete devotion
to beauty and art that spills out of me.
And I'm terrified that I'll never get to see it all,
the beauty of the world, that I'll never travel
and discover the greatness of people's stories,
or see the happiness and hope in someone's eyes
that I wish I had.
And I keep thinking what if I never get out of here?
What if I never live like I want to,
risk to risk, no attachments to a **** family
or a soul ******* job.
That would **** me,
not this stupid illness in my brain
or the pain in my life,
but the feeling that I'll never
see the world, that I'll never
be who I want to be.
I don't want that.
So, I'll start my adventure
as soon as I can,
and if you feel like this,
please, just go, and live
like I want to.
From risk to risk.