There is black and white,
And then there is you.

My heart still crunches when I think about you. Your imprint has not faded. Not clearly, nor fully. Will you ever know how close we were?

I want to reach back out
But I don't even know what I'd say.
Don't know how to not scare you away.

Absolutely and without a doubt she is the
Best thing that ever happened me. She strode
Casually and awkwardly into my life, in the process
Defining for me the until-then
Ever-changing parameters of what I wanted.

****, I can’t get out of my mind this blue eyed
Goddess of a girl who is always
Hoping for something more.
I love her so much and yet I have a habit of playing practical
Jokes to hide how much the distance is
Killing me.
Looking at us, you would never know we’ve spent
More months apart than we had together.

Never did I think that she would be The
One; that love would be so easy; that she would be so
Perfect.
Questions ricochet around the mazes of her mind, she examines the world extensively,
Riveting anyone who takes the time to listen to her discoveries.
Sassy, ****, and smart, she’s got everything and
To me she is everything.
Ubiquitous, there is nothing that doesn’t make me think of this girl, life itself serving as a constant
Validation that she exists- that she is not too good to be true.
While the earth rockets its way through space it’s as if
Xanthan gum holds us together, no matter how far apart you
Yank us, we’re stuck like glue. I could talk about her forever, literally
Zillions of words could be said about this wonder of a woman who will never cease to be
The alphabet spelling out the rhythm of my heart.

Peering into the great abyss
I see,
Past the glare of the blinding sun,
A loneliness so deep
No one can fathom it.
A sadness so complete
No one wants near it.
A vulnerability
Susceptible
To the worst of pollutions.
There’s a fire down there
That could set the world ablaze
And keep it burning
For eons.
And way down deep
Towards the bottom
Of the bottomless pool
Is a light of hope
That something good
Might be found
In this dark, dark world.
The fire brought me in,
****** me down
Into the blue-gray water.
But it’s the hope that kept me swimming,
Kept me searching,
Kept me digging.
The light is why I’m still around.

Sometimes you fall for the wrong person
At the wrong time
In the wrong place.
Sometimes it's an infatuation and so
It doesn't really matter.
But sometimes those people
At those times
In those places
Are the ones that save you from yourself,
And that's why they're so important.

While I do not know how to live without loving you
I've learned to live without that kind of love.

Even when we cared about each other with all that we had
We were still too into ourselves to work out.

~

I should've known we were in our prime
The brightest stars are in their ending stages.

~

I never thought you'd walk away,
And that was the problem.

~

I'm afraid to try to give myself to anyone now.
What if they take it.

~

You will never leave me.
And I'm beginning to get to be ok with that.

I've never experienced anything
As addicting
As kissing
Her

Your words cut like
Skates through the ice
Making cracks through which your heat
Can seep
Melting the shield
From a thousand different crevices.
Exposing the living,
Moving
System beneath.
Opening it up
To the world again.
Will you sink,
Or will you swim?

I deserve better
Than someone who chose to let go
I say to myself
Whilst my heart aches with the weight of
A lifetime of
"I love you"s
And everything that would've come with them
Lost.

Yours is the only voice
That can change my heart to match its rhythm.
The only voice in which I lose the words
Focusing on the way you say them.
I think you reading a grocery list
Would still somehow give me butterflies
And turn me on.

For some reason
The error page
Is what broke my heart

We are born
Whole, and empty
We die
Broken
Repaired
Shattered
Stitched
Darkened
Enlightened
Sliced
Scarred
And full.

I want to have wrinkles when I grow old
From laughing at how funny you think you are.

I want to have terrible, achy knees,
From spending a lifetime dancing with you.

I want an arm that permanently curves
To match the way you like it when you lay your head on my shoulder.

I want a hand
That has forgotten what it feels like on its own.

I want eyes
That can't forget your face
And a brain
That can have conversations with the tone of your voice.

I want feet
That are forever warm from being shoved against your legs before sleep.
And arms
That always fit around you perfectly.

I want my lips
To always curve into a grin whenever they see you
And my mouth
To never forget what it feels like to feel yours against it.

I want to forget how many years we've been together
Because we've been together that long.

I want the scars to fade
The fears to dwindle
The nerves to subside.
I want the hurt forgotten
The walls to crumble
The lines to fade.

I want trust to grow
Words to flow
Ideas to sprout.

I want to celebrate with you,
Grieve with you,
Live with you,
Love with you.

I want safety and security
In your arms
Forever.

I spent so many suns searching for gods
So many moons searching for you.

After all this time
It turns out

You can't fall back on feelings
That are no longer there.

She says
"I love you"
Like she invented the phrase

You didn't fight for me

Do you still read these?
Am I writing to you, or just for you?

How are you so far gone,
But still residing so persistently
In my head?

How can my heart hold so much fury
And so much pain
And so much hope?

Your words....
Your texts. It sounded like you're re-writing our history.
Could I have been there for you?
You told me not to be there.
You told me to get out.
I didn't want to.
But I listened,
I wanted to respect you.
Your message has me feeling like
Once again
I should've fought harder.

But no
That would not have ended well for either of us.

The truth of the matter is
That you've tied me to your divorce
Whether you know it or not
And I will never be able to cut that tether.
No matter how much I still love you,
You'll probably never see me without seeing that pain.

****.
I need to stop reading your months-old words.
They don't apply, here, anymore.

How lovely
That as the air chills and
Turns in on itself
The world lights herself on fire
In hues of warmth and tones of comfort.

How,
In a life full of averages,
Are you so
Perfect

I need you
To undress me until there’s nothing left.
Unwrap the layers until you’ve unraveled the mystery,
Left it bare,
Freed me from my mind.
Because I can’t take it in here anymore.

It's excruciatingly hard to tell
If I smile less now because
I'm always focused on trying to
Understand this new language,
Your language,
And this is my concentration face,
The face you used to love,
Or if I smile less now
Because learning this language
Your language,
Reminds me constantly
That I no longer have you.

They say you shouldn't look directly at the sun
But how can I resist
Focusing on you

Sinking into the depths of your memories
For what seems like years
Only to resurface and find
You're braced against every surface
In the vicinity.
It's as if even your body realizes
Your mind is unsteady.

Her beauty hatches butterflies in my innards.
I lost my breath the first time I saw her
And every time after that.

It's amazing
How even 9 months later
It's like you can sense when I'm feeling weak and
You can do something
From so far away
That manages to
Knock the breath out of me and leave me
Feeling empty
Once again.
It's also amazing
How obviously deliberate it is.
And how I know
I shouldn't care but how much
I do.

Getting over her is like
An addict
White knuckling their way
Through recovery.
Just when you think you're better
You get a whiff,
A glimpse,
A fleeting memory that
Breaks you and
You relapse,
Only to start again.

We all had to be a little selfish.
Is it our fault that
It was the end of Us?

It's sad that
These days it seems no one can hear
Past the screaming inside their own
Head.

I don't know how to forget to
Look at your
Horoscope.

Three months gone and I realize
What I've been doing wrong.
Almost three years in and I realize
What I should've been doing all along.

It seems
That it always takes me just a little
Too long
To find where I belong.

A week into a relationship
I realize it's the wrong one
She didn't take it well when I told her we were done
Took it even worse when she heard I'd fallen for another
Why'd you take the time, she spat,
Why'd you even bother

I don't know what I'm doing
And turns out, I'm not so good at committing
Kinda backwards, isn't it,
Since this hookup is almost two years running.
I've got a ring around my necklace that says I belong to her
So why is it that I can't stop.

You were everything to me
And I don't know when that changed,
Can't tell you when that ring
Started feeling like a chain.

I know I broke your heart
I know I broke your trust.
But I wasn't being fair to you
The cage around my heart had started gathering rust.

I never thought that I'd
Be the one breaking up
With you.

You pick your lips.
From worry or anxiousness
Or just plain boredom
I may never know
But
If I were with you I would glue your lips to mine
With love that tastes like honey
With care that smells like a bud before it blooms
With hope that this thing will work out
Until you forget
Why your lips are chapped in the first place

Five years long our story stretches
Each one a different tale
And seeing you fills me with ghosts.

You kiss me and I
Feel you running through my bones like
The chill you get during a summer storm
When you're standing on the porch watching the lightning and
the Pouring
Rain and
The air is warm but the cold mist
Brushes across your skin.
Every hair on my body and even my *******
React.

I am not emotionally grounded
And no part of you is "safe" for me.

When did I become so fond
of the blush and the delay
That comes as the result of a few
Good
Strong
Drinks.

When did I start to like having
An excuse
For the
Stupid
Things I do.

The burn of the drink
The blur of the drink
Blurs the lines
Blurs the memories
Blurs the feelings.

Was it when I started questioning
You?
Was it when I realized that I'd shut off
The feeling of missing you for so long
That it just stopped existing at all?
Was it when I promised myself to you
In a hurry?
The same way you gave me the ring?
Was it when I didn't acknowledge that I wasn't ready yet.

Or was it a long long time ago
Was it before I was even born
We all know it's in my blood
But I did so well ignoring 'my destiny'
For so long
For so long that I didn't care.

Did I not care?
Or was I just too worried about you and her to care
Was I just putting off caring
For the day that
I didn't care
Anymore

When did I become so fond of this haze

Her gaze naturally shifts to the clear blue skies.
Is that how her eyes found mine?

I wish you had no feelings
And it remained purely physical.
Physical is easy.
Physical is workable
It's tangible
It's intense. Particularly
Right now.
If we kissed right now we'd
Melt into each other
In the heat of the moment purely from
My desire for you.
Communicated through every nerve ending currently
Brushing your back
Brushing your arm
Gripping your neck.
Feelings complicate
They dominate
They make all above scenarios
impossible.
Because with feelings
If it happened,
You'd never let it go
And this would be better
Transient.

Six days left
In this oasis
In this escape
In this reality we’ve created for ourselves.
Six days left
And it already hurts.

Three days left
Where did my time go?
She’s one floor below me, and I miss her this much
What is twelve hours?

Half a day.
This will be the only thing about our relationship
That isn’t easy.

She has an early morning tomorrow.
Sleeping in our respective beds,
I don’t remember how to sleep alone.

If words could describe perfection,
I would paint a picture of phonemes and morphemes
Of syntax and semantics
Of beauty and wonder.
If words could describe her
I would bridge together vowels
Consonants
Punctuation
Grammar
If words could describe this
Trust me,
I would use them.

Shakespeare
Made up words when nothing else
Seemed right

I’m beginning to see why
He and Mr. Geisel
Were so unsatisfied
With the language at hand.

Five days in and I'm
Keeping myself busy so that I can ignore
The Aching that comes.
That always comes.
I'm afraid to hope that she'll
Be different than the others.
But she seems genuine
And I'm so satiated
When I'm with her.
Trying to be a better person for her,
I've never been with someone who could
Keep the panic over grades and schoolwork
To a dull roar.
I think I've got something remarkable here...
And I miss her.

I remember the way your words felt
As they burned into my heart,
And the way the look in your eyes tasted
When it gave me cravings
No one else can sate.

How could you tell me I'll always be your
One who got away
When I was sitting here
Wanting you?

I’ve been known
To take on more than I can handle.
To see the overflowing ocean
That contains the tears of the world
And to try to catch every single one
With my own two hands.

I’ve been known
To fall apart at the seams
When I realize there are droplets
Falling
Through the cracks of my fingers.

I’ve been known
To cave in on myself
And blame my hands
For never being big enough.

I’ve been known
To seem reminiscent of the sea,
Always coming back for more
No matter how many times I’ve been pushed away
By the shore.

I’ve been known
To love too easy,
To trust too much,
To land myself in quagmire
After quagmire
After sinking ship,
Giving off the impression that I was always calmly floating
While inside this dappled shell of ginger
And cinnamon
And sass
I’ve been barely clinging to the flotsam.

I’ve been known to get too attached
Blind faith my only guide
Occasionally mistaking the plank for
Solid ground
And walking right off it.

I’ve been known to backfire.
I’ve been known to sink my own ship.
I’ve been known to set out
With none-but-moral intentions
And end up lost
In the map of my own mind.

I’ve been known to drop the sails
Lower the colours
Abandon ship
Upon finding myself in the middle of a self-made
Maelstrom.

I have been known to ignore the lighthouse
Become a sponge
And crash into the rocky shore.
Absorbing all the hurt so seamlessly you’d think I’d been wrung dry

I’ve been known to dive in headfirst
And come up seething
When I realized the storm was more
Than I could handle

All I ever wanted
Was to save the world
With my own two hands.

Now I have my own savior
Handing me a bucket
And reminding me
That every storm is just a bunch of drops
And that all cracks can be repaired

Babe....
Oh my butter patty.
She's right.
People don't change.
This side of you has
Been there all along I was just
Too in love with you
To see it.

She’s like a northern magnet
Pulling on my southern roots.
Roaming around in different circles,
Opposites attract they say.
More similar than some would like,
They tell us we can’t be together.
But we seem to be defying them pretty well.
All I really know these days,
Is that I like mornings a hell of a lot more
When I wake up next to her.

I'm so done
I say as I continue
Thinking about her weekly
Daily
Hourly.
Thinking of gifts to buy her during my travels
Looking through pictures.
I secretly love the pain that shoots through me with every
Swipe of the finger.
I think I deserve it.

I know
because every time I hear the word "love"
My mind would jump to you
If it wasn't already there.

I know
Because every time you walk in a room
I worry that you can hear my heart
Knocking against my teeth.

I know
Because you can trace the structure of my bones
And tell the story of us.
But our story grows and so do I,
So do we,
To make room for more memories.

I know
Because for the first time
Since I became old enough to harbor an awareness,
And dislike,
Of my body,
I believe someone when they say I'm beautiful.

I knew
The day I unthinkingly referred to a place
That I had never considered more than temporary
As "home."
The only reason I could fathom
Is that it's where you are.

It used to be
That I refused sleep
So I could lie awake and look at you
While you drifted
In peaceful reverie.

These days
I beg to dream
So that maybe I can find you
Behind these eyes
That you love so much
As they close in blissful slumber.

There are parts of this that terrify me
I avoid questions like a mom avoids the room of a
Sleeping child
For fear of waking parts of me that existed once.
I don’t want to mess this up
By continuing to move at the speed of a freight train,
But we don’t have much time and it seems
That that’s the only choice we have.
It’s not the only choice we have
It’s the choice my body wants me to make
Because it’s been drawn to you in the way that a
Bee is drawn to a flower full of nectar
For quite some time now
And it’s hard to deny the powdery pollen that coated me as soon as I jumped in.
I don’t know how we got to this point
But I thank my lucky ancestry every day
That I get to fall asleep to the lilting tilt of your voice,
Botched as it sometimes is by the 976 seeming light-years between us.

You are fire.
Everything about you breathes passion
You are a fire and I am the earth underneath you
You let me see what you are made of.
You let me cradle you as you flare up and as you simmer down to embers
The earth is never afraid of getting burned.
But sometimes I am.
Your eyes smolder with a love that could melt boulders
And sometimes trust is hard for me.
I know that’s hypocritical but you’ll have to forgive me
Even the earth has many faces.
Mountains grow tall and intimidating
Creating walls that people make games of climbing
The mountains letting them think they won,
Even some of the hardest house a molten core.
Plains keep the earth close
Dirt suddenly under your fingernails and staining your clothes
Seemingly from nowhere
You aren’t sure how you let it get there.
With sand you can make the most impressive of castles
That will fall away as soon as a wave removes its foundation.
Sand has trust issues.
As soon as she feels your fingers falter
She’ll start to slip through the cracks
But at the same time she clings to you from another angle.
Following you home and turning your carpets to sandpaper,
Your floors into gross renditions of the shoreline.
Sand will make sure you can’t forget her.
And she’s patient.
Even as the ocean,
Turned red from the effort of reflecting the beauty of the sun,
Ebbs farther and farther away,
To homes on other shores,
She waits.
She knows that though she’s been left before, this time it’s different.
The warmth of the sun still radiates within her
Reminding her of that.
Telling her that maybe
Her fear isn’t so rational after all.

Sometimes I kiss you with eyes
Open
So that I can watch the
Lovely
Curve of your jawline as your lips
Move
With mine

Getting to know you has been a
Slow burn
Warm, glorious, steady but a little bit uncertain.
But I worry that the cord that's burning
Is a fuse
And soon you'll blow my world apart
For better
Or for worse.

When you kiss me
I don't need to see the stars.
I feel them
In every nerve ending.
Supernovas imploding at each cell touching you.
Weightless as we
Drift through cosmic stardust.

With you I'm an astronaut.
I'm a deep sea explorer
A sky diver
A bungee jumper.
With you
I'm weightless
Fearless
Endless.
With you
I am everything I wanted to be
And more.
With you my eyes see things they never saw before
My heart feels things it didn't think existed
My brain cannot keep up.
I wish I could express my love
As lucidly as I feel it.

If I sleep until I die
Maybe I'll wake up into a happier time

Words plummet from my mouth disconcertingly.

Does water think about what it's doing
Before it goes over the falls?