How do you mourn something
You never had?

At every stage -
Every step you took towards a more serious relationship -
I wondered
If you were telling me because you still wanted me
To say
"No.
Not with her.
I still want you."

But who am I to say such things
When you could be happy

Some people drink
To numb.
I drink
To let myself feel.

How lovely
That as the air chills and
Turns in on itself
The world lights herself on fire
In hues of warmth and tones of comfort.

Do you ever think of me
While you do the exact things we used to do
With someone new?

I want to write you and say
That I've never stopped loving you.
I want to write you and demand that you see me so that
I can see that
The love I have for you now is stuck.
Is the love that I had for you
The last time I saw you
The last time you saw me
The last time we kissed.
I want this to be over.
I want to know that I can stop writing
About how I can't let this idea go.
The ship has sunk and
Part of me watched it go from the safety of shore but
Part of me is still inside of it
Sitting
Comfortably, albiet a little fidgety,
Listening to the clock tick tocking away my years,
My loves,
My partners,
Envisioning that one day you'll come scuba diving down
Down
Down
To find me here, where we both know I've been
Waiting.

I want to write you and say
That I've never stopped loving you.
Maybe putting the message in a bottle
Releasing it into the water that surrounds me
And watching where it floats to
Will set me free from this sunken ship too.

Like a sunflower
Turning its head to follow the sun
I turn my gaze
Across this world
To follow the smiles