I wanted you to say you were on your way.
I wanted you to say you were coming.
I wanted you to say you didn't have to be my ex anymore
Not just my friend.
I wanted to see if we'd changed.
But I was afraid of messing it up again
Afraid that if we repeated the cycle
Next time we wouldn't have survived.
I wanted everything and nothing because
Even in its nonsense
Where we're at now
Is what makes the most sense.

Taking in air around you is this
Small-city-bred,
Red-haired-and-freckle-covered,
College kid's version of
Breathing dreams

I deserve better
Than someone who chose to let go
I say to myself
Whilst my heart aches with the weight of
A lifetime of
"I love you"s
And everything that would've come with them
Lost.

Like putting a hand on a bright red burner
Just to make sure it's actually hot
Isn't it funny how it takes something hurting us
For us to realize
That it's real.

Yours is the only voice
That can change my heart to match its rhythm.
The only voice in which I lose the words
Focusing on the way you say them.
I think you reading a grocery list
Would still somehow give me butterflies
And turn me on.

Forward
Back
Forward
Back
Inhale
Exhale
Inhale
Exhale
Deafened by the air whooshing past your ears
Or by the thoughts scrambling through your head?
But no, you're here to tune those out
Pump forward
Lean back
Only enough silence to hear by at the crest of each arc
Trying to ignore it all
Only mildly successful
Inhale
Exhale
Forward
Back

I remember the way your words felt
As they burned into my heart,
And the way the look in your eyes tasted
When it gave me cravings
No one else can sate.