Phoenix Rising

Phoenix Rising May 2021

I've been thinking about my connection to drugs. I've thought about why I've struggled my whole life...to feel utterly powerless.
Sometimes
I'm so lonely.
I don't even think lonely is the right answer.
Empty.
Void.
Abyss.
Jaded.
I don't know.
It swallows me into this vortex and it pushes everyone I love away. It made my boyfriend whom I love leave me. Like always. Not new.
I'm done. I have to fight. It's that or die.
I don't want to die...
Please. I don't.
Sometimes I wish I was never born.
It hurts so much.

Phoenix Rising Apr 2021

Just As

Just as the ocean,
she's so beautiful
you forget it kills.
A lioness under
the face of a kitten,
her voice is mighty...
A step to a stomp,
a breath to a tornado,
a tear drop to a tsunami...
Her actions hold
a profound effect
in everyone's life.
She's so bright
that the sun
pales in comparison.
Her beautiful mind makes
maps look measily and vacant.
She is not a Queen,
but a Goddess.
Just as the world,
she's so mesmerizing
you forget you get lost.
You forget you're dying.

Phoenix Rising Feb 2021

Fragile

the fragility of my mind
renounces it's place,
takes me with a roar,
after a bad night: long overdue.

my skin feels unfamiliar
and the air feels thick.
my body shutters
at it's own mere existence.

everything that once was,
in a second,
isn't.

Phoenix Rising Feb 2021

Illusion of Self Preservation

I seem to exhaust myself
way before expressing an opinion.
I believe it's my own way
of preserving authenticity to myself.
My own little secrets. It makes me feel like they hold more power....like a party full of rich people who exclude "regulars" and slap "Exclusive" as a theme.
Believe me,
when I say...
I don't have much else to offer.
I've given every piece
I've ever been familiar of myself
to some other outside source,
definitely, not worthy of having...seeing...touching.
Maybe it's a lie.
I could just be lying to myself.
Maybe I'm just tired and sad.

Phoenix Rising Feb 2021

Untitled

all we can
hope for...
wish for...
is to end every
conversation
worthy of a peaceful death

Phoenix Rising Jan 2021

Liability By Lorde

"Baby really hurt me
Crying in the taxi
He don't wanna know me
Says he made the big mistake of dancing in my storm
Says it was poison
So I guess I'll go home
Into the arms of the girl that I love
The only love I haven't ******* up
She's so hard to please
But she's a forest fire
I do my best to meet her demands
Play at romance, we slow dance
In the living room, but all that a stranger would see
Is one girl swaying alone
Stroking her cheek
They say, "You're a little much for me
You're a liability
You're a little much for me"
So they pull back, make other plans
I understand, I'm a liability
Get you wild, make you leave
I'm a little much for
E-a-na-na-na, everyone
The truth is I am a toy
That people enjoy
'Til all of the tricks don't work anymore
And then they are bored of me
I know that it's exciting
Running through the night, but
Every perfect summer's
Eating me alive until you're gone
Better on my own
They say, "You're a little much for me
You're a liability
You're a little much for me"
So they pull back, make other plans
I understand, I'm a liability
Get you wild, make you leave
I'm a little much for
E-a-na-na-na, everyone
They're gonna watch me
Disappear into the sun
You're all gonna watch me
Disappear into the sun"

Phoenix Rising Jan 2021

help

staying sober is so ******* hard
and i can't ever seem to get clean.
i can go for a week tops and then it's a huge ******. i wish it were easy, i wish i wanted to be clean...but honestly it feels so ******* good and i have zero regards for anyone i hurt in the process. i dont know how to conquer this disease. it's killed me once and it almost killed me a second time and i only used more after. what do i do? rehab ******, 12 steps ****, my sponsor ******. ****. i wont last forever if i keep using, because i fell in love with fentanyl.