the window is clear and open

the fog from my overused, hyperventilating lungs is absent

the rain from my eyes no longer marks my architecture

i see a change i think i had a part in---
doesn't matter
it happened

older i grow, my mind moves slower
----away from emotions

i'm greeted in new ways
a new phase?

always numb and bitter in the end
from having expectations that i'll do the same again

i've changed in ways that i'll compensate with another bad habit
i still break hearts do not be fooled
but know that it hurts me, too

Humans tend to make me cringe
fold like paper; thrown into the bin
I don't wanna be seen even though I exist
Carelessly crafted by anxious hands
I've been written up just to be written off

Everyone is telling me, "All you need is love."
I've tried it all--my grip was once tight and has lessened...
I've loved, I've used, I've taken care of hearts and visa versa.
It never helped anything.
Love is not enough, it will never be.
Love will not solve problems within me...for it is too late.
I am destined for patterns my mind will always follow.
I was created, molded by my owners... and I will never cease as their architecture.
I know I'm in control, but the moment I step out of line...I wake up back in my old, but familiar, boundary.

A void deeply
rattling
my inner workings,

I fill it with superficial love.

For a while,
I forget
I'm depressed.

It becomes a habit;
people.
But then I hurt them
and it hurts myself
and I always...

Remember.

And I always wonder, "am I



...



Fixable?"

You don't fall in love with the person,
you fall in love with their problems.
Living without a story line would make you feel dull;
You can't sit still.

O, to prey and feast on potential self-background defining candidates...
You're not a whole,
just a mosaic of the people you found with psychological issues.
You're a moth drawn to a light; the light being something, kind of, familiar.

I fill my life with something to love
It makes me feel emptier
My thoughts become hyperactive
I don't hate myself

Why
What's missing
What am I doing wrong