and the truth of the matter is that i am your lesson but you are not mine.

you were not my first real love or heartbreak
you are not the first person to teach me that giving yourself to someone means getting little in return
means leaving a breadcrumb trail of your shattered heart in the wake of what was
means reaching for something in a dark room with all the hope in your chest and finding nothing
you were also not my first round of mistakes
not the first time i realized i let love go too early
not the first time i said goodbye before i meant it
before i needed it
not the first time id crawl back
foot down my throat immobilizing my apologies
you were also not my first dive in head first
my first give everything whole heartedly
my first act before you think before you speak before you fall
because falling comes with breaking comes with heartache
but i was yours.
i am yours.
your firsts.

so you will miss me more than i miss you
you will see me in every person who crosses your path just like i saw him in you
you will compare my blue green eyes to her brown ones and my touch to her hands
and you will not forget my name
or the way i tasted
or the way my laughter filled your dark room
or the weekends we locked ourselves in your room for hours and never needed anything outside those four walls
and you will regret
you will regret not memorizing the stretch marks that line my inner thighs
you will regret not engraving the memory of my eyes
you will regret not capturing the feeling of my head laid across your chest
our bodies tangled together
memorizing one another
and that is okay.

you were never mature enough to give as much as i was
you were never ready to skip the mistakes and the meaningless apologies
you were not ready to love me the way i needed
and that is okay.

when the next girl comes around you will notice her nose is slightly shaped differently than mine
it doesnt feel the same under your kisses
it doesnt crinkle the way you used to love mine to do
but you will love her anyways
and this time it will be the way i loved you
the way that knows how to love
is ready to love
the way that gives and expects nothing in return but still keeps giving
you will remember to cherish her and i hope she has already learned her lessons as well

and when you realize we could have been everything you ever promised me we would be
when you wake up one morning and piece together the puzzle that was our mess
when you finally understand that this love could’ve changed the world
i will smile in your direction and wish you the best
because we all needed those lessons,
i just wish i didnt have to be yours.

its okay to be broken before you find time to heal
its okay to cry yourself to sleep
two nights in a row or ten
its okay to feel like you’ve lost everything
and to mourn that
to lock yourself in your room to avoid any sunlight
but you have to get back up
you have to remind yourself that you were fine before and you will be fine after
you have to start smiling at puppies again
and craving your favorite foods
you have to start living again
despite the ache your body has not to
because things will get better
one day youll wake up and forget the way the tears tasted
youll wake up and forget you were ever in pain at all
youll wake up and be okay
but thats only if you allow yourself to be

so yes
cry
cry an ocean and label it with his name
but remember that it is still your ocean
remember your body built something so beautiful without him
promise yourself that one day
youll sail across that ocean
and never even remember his name
yes
hide in your room
forget what sunlight feels like
so that when you finally decide to
re-emerge
youll relearn how sunlight feels
and this time it wont be attached to his name
but attached to your survival
yes
miss him
write poems solely about the color of his eyes
and the shape of his smile
and then remind yourself that only you have the ability to paint him that pretty
that beautiful
only you have the ability to turn thunderstorms into sunlight
so do it

remember
that its okay to be broken
its okay to wish yourself away
but only for a little while
you must remember
that time will not stop for your sorrow
and you shouldn’t stop for him
remember
there will be days when all you feel is the absence of his love
but the days that follow will show you that the absence of that is better than the presence
remember
if you are strong enough to be vulnerable to his love
you are strong enough to live without it
so do