when i'm with you,
my heart does not beat.
it drums and thuds and thumps
until i can feel it in my feet.
i walk with you everywhere
and hope you can feel every ache,
that you feel my blisters
bubble under your skin.
not so long ago,
my heart was just a pump,
functional, rational, steady.
now, it encompasses every thought.
i would like you to stay a while,
the longer you are here
i can be sure yours is drumming too.
although,
i doubt as much.
while i'm drowning in the blood
my heart has forgotten
how to control,
you are lost in your wit.
i am afraid that
you enjoy the idea that
you have ruined the
notions of my purely pumping heart
instead of the
idea of me.
and i'm alone,
i'm alone,
i'm alone,
i'm alone.

i wish i could swim the pacific ocean and back.

and when i came back to sit in front of a burning burning fire

until it dried me to the bone.

and for my skeleton to be hung above your bed

to act as a catcher of your night terrors

and it would work

because you would know that i was magical.

because i swam the whole pacific ocean and back.

for you.

i have been told one million times that
love conquers all but it seems the coordinates
of my existence have never been found or
voyaged too. i thought i had found my destination
in you, i guess the atlas i used was obsolete and rotten.
i tried to sail away from you but i arrived
at stormy seas, the north star i followed burned
like your kisses, which scorched my mouth like
my first menthol cigarette. when i tried to
soar, you crashed into me like a wrecking ball.
and we came down, blaring, burning as you
touched my skin turning it to ash

i have relied on circumstance and fate all of my life.
god has never shone down on me and occupied
my life with luck.

i have lived with compromise and attainment without the need for belief
i have never had a calling or had the
ghost pierce through my organs and save me.

today i watched you make your first communion and
you have never been so bright. your innocence,
highlighted in your glow. faith enveloped you
and you enveloped me.

loneliness crept on every breath

I felt every cell of each of your knuckles
As it collided with my cheekbone
And as my face was ripped from its symmetry
I felt my heart crash into my stomach
And regurgitate out of my lips.

inhaling the ocean breeze and feeling it empty my lungs makes me feel completely intact

i can taste the salt in its entirety on my tongue and i try to scrape it all off with my front teeth

i feel the waves roaring over my heart, liberating it from veins and its arteries, the sea filling the orifices of my organs

the shores stones crowd at my toes and break my skin, but i am cleansed

i stride into the water and it seeps into my nostrils and my intellect becomes infiltrated by the sea, my lungs are suffocated by the wet

and i am completely intact