Chloe London

Chloe London Jun 2013

Chloe - 15 years of age
It all started when I knew I was eating too much
I was getting heavier
I started to get closer to the 9st mark
I now have to buy size 12 jeans...
fasting alone just wasn't working
It just wasn't enough
So I gave in
And I ate
I ate loads
I was beginning to binge..
Then after I'd stuffed myself with so much food
I'd go into the bathroom
I'd get a glass of water ready
And grab hold of my toothbrush
I'd begin to rub it onto the back of my throat
Before quickly bringing up all of my food
All of those calories pouring out of my body
Drinking glasses upon glasses of water
Then sharply stopping due to lack of breath
I stand there panting
It felt amazing
I'm getting thinner

I told my boyfriend
He didn't understand at first
But now he does
Now he knows that if I could stop I would
He knows that if I could physically stomach any solids
Or even liquids other that water that slide down my throat,
I would.
But now It's happening
And I can't help it
I can't change it
I have a disorder.
It's killing me
It's eating me away...

But I worship models
I worship fasting
I worship the feeling that I get when I throw it all up
But most of all,
I idolise Thinspo

Chloe London May 2013

If You Could See Me Now

I can still remember the day before it happened,
We all crowded around the hospital bedside
But it wasn't a sad moment
You were happy,
We were happy,
Even though you were weak,
You managed to seem so strong,
Everytime your eyes would close,
You'd whisper
"I'm going to rest my eyes now..."
You were slowly being taken away from us.
A day later, you passed away,
The whole day and night was silent,
Not a word slipped our mouths
We never once asked what was going through our minds
We all you know you were running through it
Running through from this open and oyster of a world
To the heavens, somewhere you can be free of pain.
For months on end your scent drifted through your house,
And the smell of toast swam through our house for weeks...
Was it you, Where you still here?

And now, 3 years later we're here and moving on
You're still in our hearts
And you always will be
I'm doing well at school now, i've just applied for Head Girl, Deputy Head Girl and Senior Prefect granda,
I've never been so nervous
I did it for you Granda
I hope you're proud of me...
I love you <3

"I still look for your face in the crowd, oh if you could see me now
would you stand in disgrace or take a bow, oh if you could see me now"

Chloe London Apr 2013

Monstrosity

It started when we got close,
When he started to open up to me,
When I started to read him like a book,
When I knew he was broken inside.
"I'm fine"
he'd tell me,
pain in his eyes as the words struggled to free from his mouth, like he was almost...
Stuttering.
From those words I knew,
I knew he was crying inside,
I knew it was growing stronger and rapidly taking over him.

I know now that it's ripping through him like a blade, and yet still he wears a smile...
A smile so blinding white and beautiful that the whole world freezes with astonishment.
I don't understand,
He seemed so happy to me...
What happened to him?
What has happened to the one person that I truly love?
It's destroyed through you,baby, its tore through everything you once were.
I can see it in your eyes, baby,
I'll free you from it,
I swear.

Chloe London Apr 2013

Having a Best Friend of The Opposite Gender - The Drawbacks

For all of these years many girls have been waiting for a boy best friend.
Someone who they can tell everything to,
Someone who they can talk about anything to,
Someone who's always going to be there for them,
To make them laugh,
To mend their broken hearts when they've been crushed ,
To support them,
To have movie nights,
To call each other every night and talk about how she is in love with his best friend
To get drunk together and lean on each other walking home
To skip school together and go on adventures in the fields
To buy countless cans of energy drinks and get hyper together
To go on long walks engaging in conversation about how he likes someone else
To have that one dance together at prom, her in her dress, him in his suit
Seems like the perfect friendship, right?
Listen...

But then there's the down side,
The side that she doesn't see
The side that screams at the top of it's lungs yet she's still blind to it
He loves her
He never stops thinking about her
She's his first thought the moment he awakens and the last thought before he sleeps
She's the reason the still wakes up every morning
She's the reason he never stops smiling
She's the only reason his heart still beats.
Every time she talks about him his heart sinks yet his face still holds a smile...
If only he knew she felt the same
If only he knew how he's the only reason her heart still beats
He's the only reason she never stops smiling
He's the reason she still wakes up every morning
He's the first thought the moment she awakens and the last thought before she sleeps
She never stops thinking about him...
*She loves him.

Chloe London Mar 2013

A Wall - We Can Get Rid Of It, One Brick At A Time

I'm scared
What if he think he's alone in this?
What if he keeps ignoring it?
And then what if he slips?
Slips into the depth of depression I once fell into,
What if he lands on his knees and crawls down the route I once followed..
Let me help you,
I can protect you.
I'll never let you fall,
If you begin to,
I can catch you,
And hold you in my arms
Forever
... Baby it's just a wall

Chloe London Mar 2013

Untitled

I remember those times
Lying on my bed
Curled up in a ball
Secretely wishing I'd never been born.

I remember those times
Sitting in my room
My life was filled with nothing but darkness
Utter darkness and gloom

Yet, I also remember those times,
When I was happy,
When I actually smiled... :)
When I met him,
When he wiped the tears that dribbled onto my chin and he hugged me from behind

I remember those times,
When my heart had never beaten so fast,
When all I could think about was him
When all I seen was his face in my dreams
Wrapped up in his embrace... *Or so it seemed...

Chloe London Mar 2013

This Is For You...

I knew this day would come, the day when you question how I actually feel about you, and I've had this poem prepared for a long time, due to all of our little bumps in the road. I think it's time they let us sit back, relax and enjoy the ride! I think that together we are such a good, strong couple. My feelings towards you are really starting to become prominent and they're getting stronger everyday. Everything we have been through that has either hurt us or ripped us apart has finally came to an end and now we can relax and I can build used stronger incase there is going to be any more of them. Whenever i'm with you I get a really weird knotting feeling in my stomach and it makes me want to literally dive on you:') whenever we kiss everything that's bad in my life literally disappears and the feelings I get from your embracement overpower me and fill me up with emotion. Whenever you wrap your arms around me I clasp onto you and hold on really tight, because I can't bare to lose you and I close my eyes really tightly and think of all the things I can help you/us avoid so that won't happen. Now this may get a little deep...

See, through everything that has happened I have realised that you do actually care but you don't want to show it, you're afraid that if you show it you are admitting that you're scared too and you have to be the one that seems strong for me do that I don't hit rock bottom. I've realised that I've definitely fallen for you, And it's the most scariest thing in the world, because I'm afraid of the things I would do for you. I'm very daring and if I'm passionate about something or someone I will do absolutely anything...
I would literally risk my life for you, I would do anything to make you happy, I would rather me have your pain and I would rather suffer than watch you suffer. I would take away all of the pain you will ever feel and bring it all to me, just so you have live happily. If we ever broke up I would still feel really passionately for you, and I will stay protect you and love you until the very end. I love you, and I actually mean that. I actually love you. You're my hero :) <3