I fell in love with a boy who was even more broken than I was.

His fake smile and pain filled eyes had me hypnotized.

He couldn’t open up to anyone anymore since countless people had hurt him in the past so, really I barely even knew him.

I was addicted to the way he made me feel and so I spent all my time and energy trying to fix him. It killed me to see him in pain, he was my whole world yet he was barely even existing.

A long few months later he was doing so much better, he was finally happy.

And then he left me.

I fixed him and so he didn’t need me around anymore.

After that, I was so much more broken than he ever was.

I can’t escape these thoughts that go on in my head

I can’t escape them

Maybe they’ll stop if I stop breathing

The saddest people always try their hardest to make other people happy

Because they know what it's like to feel absolutely worthless

Trapped in their own mind

And they don't want anyone else to feel like that

You protect me

From my thoughts

And when you're not here

I'm ashamed

Of how easy it is

To surrender

And become a victim

To my own mind

Once again

You may see me smiling much more in pictures, but please don’t misunderstand

Grief is still my daily company. It’s just that the face of grief changes

Some days are worse than others, but I still deeply cry multiple times every day

Some days, I have a lot of good moments, others I have none

I still mentally disappear in the world of my bereavement still hoping for their return as well as my own return to my prior being

Living is still a task of great expenditure of spiritual energy

Being positive is necessary toward healing, but my smiles take more effort than they so depict in my photos

Please ignore that sharp inhale I just took

I swear
I'm fine


I know it might look like I am choking on something

Believe I am doing fine

I swear
I'm fine

Yes go on and on about your day
, with your reoccurring and ever stagnant worries

I swear
I'm fine

Please ignore that tear in the pit of my eye

Please pay no heed to me calling at an hour so obscene

Don't bother responding to that text message please

I don't mean to be a bother
I swear
I'm fine

Yes, I know you have a life
I know you need some rest

But don't realize that this head of mine is buzzing
It has become so restless
It won't let me sleep
No it won't let me think
I swear

I'm fine

I'm fine
I just find it harder to sleep
Even harder to wake up

Harder to eat
And even harder to smile
Because I feel I am sinking into a deep pit

Grieving grievances are not what I need

I just need someone to say "it's fine if you aren't fine"
But don't worry

I swear
I'm fine

I knew the moment I met you
I could never lose you
I knew the moment I met you

2am

The time I lay awake thinking about all the mistakes I've made and all the regrets I have

The time I spend running my fingers over my scars wishing I could take it all back

The time I waste dreaming about the future and all the memories I've yet to make

2am

The time that tears me apart

You tell me that these blades are dangerous

But so are my thoughts

Tell me I'm a puzzle piece because you won't know me until you have all the pieces.
Stop tossing your opinions because I bat them away every time I prove you wrong and I've never taken a home run without the help of my friends.
But these days my friends aren't really my friends, the way a smile isn't sincere if you are holding a knife behind your back.
Give me a jolt and not the ****** kind of railway tracks down wrists made of flimsy veins because I'm not going anywhere without your help.
I took down all the mirrors and threw away all the sharp edges.
I'm becoming a better version of myself.
We are all trapped in our reflections and for some reason, we don't see ourselves.
Maybe I just want someone to turn around and look me in the eyes so deep, they could see the water buckets behind them about ready to brim over.
They'd tell me "you're gonna be fine" and for some reason id smile and walk away like I haven't been dragging the world on a string that was ready to snap like the way you do because you don't get how my mind works.
I'd bring my shoulders up a notch and eventually the smiles would come naturally.
It's so easy sometimes.
You're gonna be fine.

Maybe it's weird
Maybe it's scary
Maybe it seems downright ******* impossible to just be-
To just let people know you want them
Need them
Feel like that in this very moment you will die if you don't see them
Hold them
Touch them in some way
Whether it be holding their hand
Having your tongue in their mouth
Or your heart in their hands