So we both know how this ends.
When I close my eyes I can hear it
thrum, can march to the very beat of it
And yes, I know you don’t love me. Treat me like a piece of real estate
Cracking my head open like an egg
And seeing putried yellow spill out from the inside.

But bodies are boring now, I want to see that heart everyone fusses about.

Go on Charlie, show me another side, what’s hiding
Under all that skin and leather.

He's too earnest to lie to me,
the same way that dogs kept in kennels
                                don't leave after the latch has been unlocked,

When he tells me I'm a kind person,
the shame of it
almost cripples me.

In a call center:
Hunched over the monitor,
he puts his fist in his mouth and
cries.

Before, I would have jumped into the ring for you. I would have swallowed tar. Fistfight, bad nights. This fleshy body, these calloused hands-
Apology has become a defense mechanism,
because a mouth sounds stupid when it asks
for reassurance.
All I've ever asked for is one ******* Tuesday night
where you gave a ****.
whatever, whatever.
And I-
I am scared,
of your silence.
After indie games and bad films,
my credit card, your bills
The absence of answer
an answer in of itself.

In the backseat of your Audi, the three o clock shadow
slants across your face like a threat, makes you look
dangerous. Makes you look
interesting.
So what do you do?
I tell you
I write.
What does that mean?
It means walking into a crowd and getting lost in your head. It means finding loose change in your heart.  Means the world is your dysfunctional, perpetually disappointed, ailing mother. Means this isn't going to last.

But all you see is a silver smile.

in the east, they tell you
that beauty is something you
work for.
lactic acid, hydroquinine
my fickle beauty time machine-
I stand naked before him
wondering how can I ever be anything
but a body.

His mouth against my lips
turns my philosophy into nonsense
puts his hands on my hips and makes me
feel like I'm just a girl,
makes me feel
okay
to be just that.

Loving him is so easy it scares me because
I've never known
                                          easy love.


He's not perfect, like you were.

But he's ******* real;
                    and when he laughs in the glint of the pool light-
I don't think I've wanted anything more.