Lotion rubbed over my hands
As you move them around my body
To soften each area of my skin
Lotion all spread
As I feel my soft hairless thighs
And lose my ability to keep my eyes awake
Lotion on my nose and around my eyes and under my ears
As I slowly move my hands towards you
I don't remember why I ever stopped posting on deviant art

I can't handle this
It's definitely not a turn on
I pull down my tight pink *******    
Sliding them off and tossing them aside
Noticing something happening between my thighs  
Catching me by surprise
I thought it was tommorrow
I clench my fist and scream inside
Stepping into the shower and sitting down in the water




**** it        
I knew I shouldn't have worn those

I thought pichu would kiss me
Jumping up into my hands
            
I guess I held too hard
Watching you fall asleep in my arms

The only thoughts to express
The emotions I have for me
Are not thought to exist
True as they should sound
Would you love me
If I said it out
Loud? I don't know.
Listen to me, would you ever understand what I'm trying to say without me having to say it?

You said you don't need love anymore
But hey, I need you
When you said that, I fell down on the ground in pain
It was killing me to hear that  
The tears wouldn't leave my eyes  
Even after a year, then a year after that  
I lied and kept it all inside
Then I took a shower that night
Skipping lunch for two days
I answered questions just with "okay"s or "yeah"s
So much blood was shed
Leaving my thighs dark red
I said I was happy without you
I wish that was the reason why

My heart was never really too broken
until I turned 13  
I went from being sad to scared all the time
like a lost bunny left out in the cold
I found myself dreaming less
and if I did dream I had nothing but fear  
during the morning I'd hurt bad
and it got worse every second
but I kept quiet about it because talking doesn't help
Sometimes my heart hurt so bad
that I lost control of my tears
I lay on the floor and try to get up
while fighting the urge to die
Some days are not bad
some days are borderline suicide
then there are days where I scream into my pillow so loud and hard
I start to cry uncontrollably then get very very down
It feels like a super volcano is constantly erupting inside my chest
not allowing me to breathe anything but fire and pain
the room gets very hot and I feel so numb
that I start cutting words into my skin "**** me please!"
Sometimes just holding the knife helps when I'm having an insane panic attack
so does running 'til it hurts
my heart feels better when I'm next to you
I'm not really sure why I can't have you
it causes so much pain for me
I'm at my breaking point every day
to think positive is impossible
I have no other option but to cut
let the scars heal and try to cry less
anxiety is a battle that's harder to **** than death
but I think nobody cares because this is how you left me.

Right now I’m honestly struggling with my weight  
I hate how I look
I’m always comparing myself to everyone else
to the point where this hole in my heart becomes deeper and deeper
I don’t have what she has
my ***** are too big
my stomach is disgusting and gross
I can’t wear anything without feeling like I'm not right
Sometimes I wish I could stop cutting
so I can be happy with what I have now
I sit in the shower and try to hide underwater
as I cry it all out for an hour or so
I feel like nobody wants me
whenever I go out to school I'm scared for my life
I feel so worthless next to everyone else
so I hide in the halls by myself during lunch    
I wish this knife in my hands would go away        
I hate cutting my body and just want to die
I just wish I was smaller like all other girls I've seen
so I can stop feeling like such a loser all the time