It's 11:11,
Make a wish
For a knight in shining armor
Or a handsome, charming prince

A grand gesture,
A passionate kiss;
A flash of light,
Impossible to miss.

I was too busy searching,
Looking far and wide
Never fully finding it
No matter how hard I tried

I had an idea
And I thought I knew
Exactly what I wanted
And then there was you.

You snuck up behind me
Caught me by surprise,
Turned my world inside out
Now I'm completely mesmerized

In utter awe
Of how this came to be
And still shocked
You could feel the same about me

Gentle and sweet,
No feelings forced
I am at peace
And feel no remorse

Safe and warm,
Wrapped in your embrace,
A fleeting thought of you
Brings a smile to my face

These emotions
Are all brand new
Affectionate touches and kisses
Will take some getting used to

I think about you constantly;
Morning, day, and night
I can only say
"I've finally done something right."

Sleep paralysis.
That's the best way I can describe it.
You can't move.
And you want to call out,
But you're stunned.
Stunned because you never knew it could happen to you.
Not with him. None of them.
It doesn't make sense that someone could be so heartless,
How someone can hear you say "no, I don't want to," or "please stop," and see you move away, or try to fend them off and not care.
You can't move because they're bigger and stronger.
You can't scream because nobody would hear you
And you don't want to give them the satisfaction.
But inside your head, glass shatters from the sheer volume.
You struggle a bit more,
But when you realize it's pointless and your movements give him encouragment,
You lie still and wait.
You lie still and wish yourself far away.
And when he releases you, it takes you a moment to understand that it's over,
You're free.
In that moment, you've never felt so small, so fragile. So broken.
You pick yourself up, pick up your clothing and they always act like everything is fine.
Like they didn't just shatter your world.
They make you feel like you're crazy, wrong for the way that you feel.
You put yourself in that situation, you could have avoided it.
Even though you said "no."
That doesn't seem to matter.
Sleep paralysis while you're not sleeping is a different kind of hell I hope you never experience.

Welcome to my magic show
Where only the brave dare to go;
Beyond the depths of reality
Hidden under lock and key.

There's not rabbit in a hat, no graceful dove,
Just an angel with broken wings, fallen from above.
There's no illusion, no trick of scorn;
Only a lonely girl, tattered and torn

Welcome to the freakshow, look through the glass.
She cowers in fear, gazing at the points and laughs.
They mock, they tease,
They bring her to her knees.

With a desperate plea she lifts her eyes
And everyone sees she's a devil in disguise.
The confusion is evident on every face
This girl has a side that caused her to fall from grace.

Assumptions are made, a decision reached
Everyone with an opinion they morbidly preached
The girl lifts her hands in absolute fear
And in a flash of smoke she disappeared.

I hope you enjoyed the show
Where she went, you may never know.

I have a crush on a boy who works at the grocery store
You might look at me and think I'm too old to have a crush
And you'd be right.
I haven't been so foolish in years.
But here we are.
We talk every day, but it's rarely face to face.
Every once in a while I steal into the grocery store to make sure he's still real.
I always have something funny to stay in case I bump into him
Because, let's face it, sometimes funny is all I have...
I think about the times we have been face to face
Our hot tub together with the warm water surrounding our bodies
As my body surrounded his.
The nap we took when I was wide awake
Falling helplessly, tossing out lines to try and find a foothold in the curve of his smile.
I think about our late night drive to a secluded place
So it felt like we were the only two people in the world,
My lips beneath his...
Seeing him in the grocery store,
Maybe I don't even have funny
Because as I draw nearer to him
I don't say a word.

Four heartbeats in one room
But I can only feel three
I strive to nourish and provide,
But who will take care of me?

Home is a four letter word,
A heartbeat and a set of eyes
But the person I have chosen
Often covers his face in disguise.

A safe haven, a place to let down my guard
But I leave my armor on
Because he reminds me constantly
That he would rather be gone.

Five feet in distance, but lightyears apart
I feel like I'm reaching for you
But you don't see me
Or you don't care to

Always wondering: what's wrong now?
Why is he mad?
Can't we just talk thing through?
Maybe then I wouldn't be so sad...

I've tried everything I can think of
To make all of this work
And I feel like you have it made
While I just get hurt.

Beaten down by your words and anger
Day by day
And I feel myself fading
My light and sparkle draining away

Because I pour and pour
All day long
But my cup is empty
And you still say I'm wrong.

There's so much damage
That's already been done
I want this to work
But I also want to run

Away from the darkness
And back to the light...
All you say is you don't care
And won't put up a fight

To save the family
That you prayed for
But this isn't good for them
And there's so much more...

More that we could be
If we BOTH wanted
We just have to be on the same page
And not take each other for granted...

I always feel like I'm last
And that you have someone else
Because you've done it countless times
With no regard to how I felt.

It's been you for me
Since the moment we met
But I can't really be all in
Because you haven't made me feel safe yet.

I'm constantly on guard, on edge
Waiting for the other shoe to fall
To leave me lonely, not just alone
With nothing and no one at all...

A beacon of light,
A semblance of hope
Pitch black you wander,
You search and you *****.

There's a light in the dark
Just up ahead
Ready to help
And make sure you're fed.

Like a parasite
To a host
You steal the light
She becomes a memory, a ghost

Dulling her shine
Until she's a tiny flame
But it's her own fault, right?
No one else is to blame

Because that is her way,
The reason she's here;
To provide light in the dark
And beckon lost ones near

She shows them a way
A different way to go
Gaining nothing in return
No rewards to show.

There's a piece of her
In everyone she's met
They give her scars
So she'll never forget

And she'll keep getting hurt
Probably the same way twice
But lessons must be learned
And others' happiness will suffice

For she is strong
And can rebuild her light
Others aren't so lucky
And live in eternal night

The beacon of hope,
The light within
But don't let her fool you,
She's riddled with sin

She wants to be wanted
To not be so alone
To have someone to confide in,
Someone to call her own.

This man will add to her light
Not take it away
But she can't hide her heart
And patiently wait for the day

Patience is a virtue
But not one she can possess.
Keep letting the wrong ones in
Who couldn't care less.

Let them bring her down
Let them drink from her cup
She'll get back on her feet
And bring herself back up

And, in the end,
She will reach the top
And they'll gaze in wonder
To realize they missed their shot.

Ten fingers
Ten toes
Two eyes
One nose

Smiley, bouncy
Baby girl
And a mother who becomes
Her entire world

Scraped knees
Tear stained eyes
All disappear
With momma's lullabies

Her soft voice
Make problems go away
Through thick and thin
She's always here to stay

Heartfelt and selfless
She rights every wrong
I'm so thankful there's a place
In her heart where I belong

There's no one on Earth
I admire more
No one I look up to
And simply adore

No one I feel more blessed to know
Inside and out
No one as important
That I love beyond doubt

A woman so lovely
Gentle and calm
A women I can't be more grateful
To be able to call my mom.

Take a look at this artery.
It's an endless black hole,
There's no more love to give,
That's been paid in full.

Keep on scavenging.
Search for what's left
I'd like some back, too;
Recover some of the theft

Bit by bit
I was broken apart
Little by little
Giving pieces of my heart

To friends and others,
To people in need
They take what they can
And leave me to bleed.

Behind all the smiles,
The flowers, the butterflies
Hides a trembling figure.
No one cares if she dies

Because no one sees her,
The girl who's not so easily bought,
The one who has been beaten
By the girl with the hopeful thought

The happy me
The one everyone loves
Because the hidden one
Could never be enough.

But low and behold
The other is also true,
The one that you see,
She's inadequate, too.

Always discarded,
Lied to, betrayed
Left alone again
And more than a tad frayed

What can I do
To make someone want to stay
I offer everything I have
And give it all away

Because my happiness
Comes from seeing you smile
Even though it's temporary
And I only see it for a little while

'Cause once you've milked me
For all I'm worth,
You leave me behind
To become one with the earth

You move on.
I'm alone and forgotten
Feeling so small,
Unimportant and rotten

Time spent
Seems to mean nothing now
People don't value others
And I can't understand how.

Try as I might
It's a concept I cannot conceive
I have so much hope
And faith to believe

That someday my kindness and time
Will not be in vain
That I can come out of hiding
And reveal the pain

And no one will run
Or scream at the site,
They will hold me
And whisper "Everything is alright;

You're broken,
In need of healing.
Thank you for trusting me
And being so revealing."

Kisses on my forehead,
Strokes across my hair,
Little caresses against my hand
Just to remind they're there

I've been so long without
That the softest touch
And a few kind words
Seem to mean so much

It's terrifying, really
Being vulnerable this way
But I can't apologize
Because I have nothing more to say.

Tear stained face
Pressed to the pillowcase,
Silent screams make your body ache.
You feel stupid, it was all a trick
It's enough to make your stomach sick.

I'm not okay
And it's not alright
But what's another sleepless night?
No different than the ones before,
Hiding and mourning behind a closed door.

How does a mind change so fast?
Is it even possible to build something that will last?
One hundred to zero in no time at all
And no arms to catch you when you fall

Love's the deadliest game of Trust there is,
Especially when you just brush their fingertips.
Head over heels you twirl and spin
Up and down, you can't tell, you can't win.

They taunt you with words,
Sweet nothings on tainted lips
They nudge their way into your heart
And tickle your hips

They make you believe,
Make you trust,
Then reduce your being
To ashes and dust.

Called to home,
From where you came
It's almost nice to be back again.
Alone you know where you stand
Take a look at your empty hand...

Forget the warmth,
Forget the glow,
Forget the flutter,
And how your eyes would glow.

Forget the heartbeat
And the comfort it brought
Forget about the kisses
And the solace you sought

Forget and move forward
That's all you can do.
Forget all about them
Like they do to you...

There used to be butterflies
They've been dormant, asleep
Buried under years
Of lies and deceit.
All of a sudden,
They are alive and well;
For better or worse,
It's too early to tell.
Secrets dance behind sparkling eyes
Cheeks heated with passion
Heartfelt giggles
and soft sighs.
Could it be possible?
Is it true?
That there is a connection
Between the two of you.
Just when your hopes are at a high
You take a step back,
Maybe he's not just shy.
Maybe the truth was there all along
Like a gentle whisper
From a faraway song.
You stare at the sky
In the darkness of night
And watch as the butterflies
Take their flight.
Dazed and confused
You wave goodbye
With a million questions
And no answers why.

I keep them there to remind me that it was real
To assure myself I'm not crazy for the way I feel

The screen taken out, the window ajar,
Whispers of sweet nothings drifting from a far

They tickle my ears and worm their way in
Making me want to act on my thoughts of sin

My head and my heart say the same thing, for once they coincide
But it's not enough to keep you out although I know you lied.

I trusted you whole heartedly, gave you everything I could
You took the pieces of my heart and ran, just like I knew you would.

I'm left barren and hollow with checkered pajamas bundled on the floor,
Wishing you'd come back and love me like you did before,

Back when you meant everything you said,
Back when I didn't have to question and would welcome you to my bed.

A time not long ago, but it seems so far away;
Two years ago when my heart was full and not in disarray.

Now here I sit staring at those stupid pants,
Waiting for you to give me a glance,

Just a peek, maybe, into your mind
To see exactly what feelings you've been able to leave behind

In a place filled with smiles, laughs, and a home;
In a time when both of us didn't feel so broken and alone.

A smirk, a head rush, and a heart flutter.
My mind races like the water running past our feet.
How do you make me melt with just one glance?
Maybe it was the romance of it all;
The stars shining, the warm summer breeze, the river, and the stale hint of nicotine mixed with the sweet smell of the water that layed out before us.
You lured me in with that first cigarette kiss, allowing me to dip my toes in before dragging me under.
"I need to make you mine" you said. And you did.
I didn't realize that being yours meant that you belonged to someone-everyone-else.
Anyone but me.
You strike a match to burn my hopes the way your lips and fingertips branded my skin.
"I like you a lot" you whispered, your eyes locked on mine, making me believe you.
But we all know how good you are at blowing smoke.

Dreams keep me awake
There's no reason, nothing at stake
Just sweet nothings
That I wish meant something

Without this heart in my chest
No hard feelings and emotions to confess
No pain to be felt
No cold reality cards dealt

I could stand tall and strong
Even when everything has gone wrong
Feeling no remorse
And let disaster run its course

With a heart cold as stone
There's no reason to wait by the phone
For a call that won't come
No closure to let you know it's done

Just silence, nothing more
A dead end, a slammed door.
Words left unsaid, moments abandoned
No hardened heart, I'm taken for granted

You say I'm amazing
Amazing for nothing
Because if it's not you it doesn't count
You seem to care, but not the right amount

Things you said hold no merit
You knew, but refused to show it.
What you felt, how it was different
But so easy for me to misinterpret

Hardened heart, ha, I wish
It's soft as ever and easy to squish
Silly and naive
Even after they leave

Always hoping for something better
A romantic notion or a grand gesture
But all I get is--nothing
Absolutely nothing

Silence is deafening loud
Stay high, safe in my cloud
Fetal position, curled in a ball
No more pain, let go of it all.

Dressed up with nowhere to go,
A bad feeling in your stomach, your heart sinking low
Waiting patiently for the phone to ring
With the name of the boy who makes your heart sing
Only to find that the call would never come though,
Would never reach your ears--if only he knew...
Knew how much it hurts,
How long the pain lurks
In the shadows of your heart, in the depths of your soul,
Driving you down even deeper into a hole
That you dug, full of sorrow and doubt
Terrified of losing something you can't imagine life without.
Even though it seems lopsided and unreal
And you know **** well that there's so much more YOU feel...
When he treats you like this,
Forgets you exist,
It's hard to believe there's anything there at all...
So, I'll lay back and let myself fall,
Spiraling down, watching your sweet face disappear into a cloud...
The silence of your heart never seemed so loud.
But I'll keep straining, listening
With my positivie thinking
And maybe one day you'll be able to save me from sinking...

Walk on eggshells,
Don't let them crack;
After all that's happened
How can we get back...
****** if I do,
****** if I don't
Terrified of wasted time
And fake feelings shown
I don't understand
What's different from before
We're still there everyday
Only now there's eggshells on the floor.
Tip toe around,
Careful what you say,
Don't want to make a slip
And have him push you away.
Everything is there still:
Feelings, attraction, ease;
Laughs, jokes, playful remarks,
And the way we tease.
Lingering gazes,
The desire to touch,
Although you're right there,
I still miss you so much...
You're there in front of me
But you stay just out of reach
Mesmerizing with kindness
And essays of sweet speech.
He loves me,
He loves me not
Maybe disappointment
Is the thing I bought
Wandering around
Shattered shells beneath my feet
Hoping you'll make a decision
And in the end we'll meet
A pedicure of blood,
My heart black and blue
Clinging onto faith
Because I believe in you.
You keep me complacent
Or just keep me around
Until you're more comfortable
Letting me down.

She lays on her back
His lips writing a one way ticket
Out of hell, but only for a few minutes
She puts on her make up
And her big smile
For a moment, nothing's wrong.
She throws another shot back
There's  too many to keep track
She doesn't want to remember
She makes mistake after mistake after mistake
Conscious and deliberate
Because she's desperate to fix it.
She stares at his pictures
With tears flooding her eyes
She grabs her phone,
She has to give him one more try
She waits and she wonders
How could this be goodbye?
She burns his pictures
Deletes his number
She doesn't want to remember
She makes mistake after mistake after mistake
Conscious and deliberate
Because she's desperate to fix it.
She's dangerous, reckless
Doing things she knows are wrong
She's hurt and she's broken
How can he not come around?
She gets lost in the *****
And all the guys who abuse
Because she's desperate to fix it.
She doesn't want to remember
She makes mistake after mistake after mistake
Conscious and deliberate
Because she's desperate to fix it.

Start with a clean slate; erase the past
Don’t try to wonder how a person’s mind can change so fast.
Forgive what they’ve done, but never forget
And don’t make them feel like they are in your debt.

Close your eyes and remember the time you had
The times you smiled and laughed—before it went bad.
Forgive, don’t forget, how much you hurt
When they left you alone in the dirt

Think how hard it was to close those wounds,
Sealed with the tears spilled by the boy who made you swoon.
Forgive, don’t forget, that when you looked at the stars
Was the time he drew the knife that created those scars

The ones you bury deep within your head
That grow more profound with every new tear you shed.
There are fresh scars now, even deeper than the first
I think knowing I was wrong is what hurts the worst

I forgave but cannot forget all the feelings that arise
When his arms are around me and I’m looking into his eyes
I cannot forget because he is all that’s on my mind
But he doesn’t think twice as he leaves me behind

To watch him go with such remorse
That he won’t let me share his course;
So, I’ll try to let him go, to let him live
And hope he realizes someday that he has nothing to forgive…
Only something to forget.

Words were said
But they weren't meant
They were make believe
And more than a little bent

Bedroom eyes
Silly smiles, kissing lips
Tangled limbs
And bare skin beneath fingertips

Rapid heartbeats
Butterflies when we're near
How can you miss me
When I'm standing right here?

I've never been so comfortable
Never felt so close
Never wanted to be around someone
Or minded being exposed

Talking came easy
We were best friends
Fights always resolved
Communication to make ammends

Words went unspoken
Things started to go wrong
Feelings remained hidden
For far too long

What was whole
Now is broken
What was warm
Now seems frozen

We meant the world
To each other
But none of that matters
If he longs for another

Reaching out
But his back is turned
I call out, scream
But he seems unconcerned

None of what we had
Seems to matter anymore
Stop holding on.
Try to close the door.

Try to move on,
Hold your head high
Stifle the hurt,
Don't let them see you cry...

I have this vision
Everytime I look out my window,
I see you walking toward me.
A wide smile and a twinkle in your eye
But with a blink and a shake of my head,
You're gone.
When I wake up in the morning,
There are a few moments that I think you're next to me, that all of this was just a dream.
But in time the haze wears off and I remember that the dream was you.
In one kiss I could see our whole life;
A house. Babies. Puppies. Endless love. But with a blink, it's gone.
You took a part of me when you left,
A part of me I didn't even know I had.
Now the vision has changed to you showing up unannounced with a speech just for me.
You take me in your arms and I feel like I'm home again.
I have a future again. With you.
But, with a blink of an eye, you're gone.

Every day I'm haunted by the ghosts of your past
Constant whispers about how you leave so fast
The way you are so full of deceit,
That all you do is lie, manipulate and cheat.
I plug my ears and just focus on youLetting you show me exactly what is true
Mostly they're right, sometimes they're wrong
But a person can only pretend for so long.
I keep my distance, just in case
You decide to have another take my place
Or try to find something more
So you pack up your things and head for the door.
You try to assure me that's not something you'd do,
But those whispers return and have me searching for some kind of clue
Because what makes me different from the countless before?
When I've fallen and you still ignore
The title you've given to others you've deemed worthy,
But not me yet because apparently it's too early.
A year, a child, a house, a dog. A family, and situations where we both have to bend
I'm still not worthy of being called "girlfriend"
At least, not where it matters the most,
Not good enough to claim, brag about, or boast.
I feel like you're protecting someone else, someone you'd rather be with
I've heard you always entertain more than one person, or is that a myth?
I can't figure out any other reason, because my feelings are at stake.
And the one thing I know you're not is fake.
But why make me wonder and make me feel like a fool
Begging for your affection and... I know there's no set rule...
But I need some reassurance, some sort of definition of us, to feel more secure
To make it less easy for you to walk out of that door

It's like floating on nothing, waiting to fall
Broken wings trying to fly through it all.
Pictures of you go shooting past
Haunting my thoughts, how long does this last?
I thought it was done, that'd you'd just let me go,
But you hold tight, swimming my to and fro.
My arms are broken from stretching myself too thin
You seem so much better off, I should probably just let you win
And go crashing down to the ground
And get lost somewhere I can't be found.

The voices in my head screaming, begging for release.
The pain, the heartache never seems to cease.

Lying awake on lonely, sleepless nights,
Counting all the wrongs in my mind, there are too few rights.

When all you want is to be cherished,
People interfere, all thoughts of hope perish,

Leaving you bleeding, broken--shattered,
The pieces of my heart cannot be put together--they're scattered

In a secret hiding place where only I can go,
A special place where no one has to know

Who I am or what I do,
This paradise is a dream come true.

My solace comes when my eyes drift closed,
This happiness isn't fake or posed.

It's in this place where I can rest in peace,
Never letting go of the secrets I keep.

Let's start out together, just you and me
Side by side we'll be as happy as can be

In the begining there's no need for fear
Because if you have any doubts he'll always be near.

But as time goes by, things begin to change
Moments between you become awkward and strange

The distance of his heart becomes greater
He never makes time for you--you always come later.

You cling to hope because you can't let go
There has to be a way to let him know

That  you've never felt this way;
Never wanted to be with someone everyday

Never feel like yourself when he's not around
Never thought anyone else's voice was the most beautiful sound...

But if his feelings don't match your own
There's no way that you won't end up alone

Because he's the one--you know in your heart that it's true
But for him there's someone else, someone not at all like you;

Someone who can be exactly what he needs,
Someone he looks at and actually sees

And you'll have to try and live your life
Try to wish them well while you're burried in strife

Knowing you lost the best thing your heart ever knew,
The man that no one else will ever compare to.

Now you see it,
Now you don't.
You can try to get inside
But accept the fact you won't.

My heart is hiding
Where only a select few can see
The people I grow to love
And who can endure the real me

She's behind four walls,
Safe under lock and key
Tending to all her wounds,
Burried under miles of secrecy.

The light burns her
To remind her why she's there
With tired, crimson eyes
And years of pent up despair

Because even a glimpse,
Just the tiniest peek
Makes people tune her out
And turn the other cheek

For no one can deal with
Problems that aren't their own
No one extends a hand to help;
There's no love, no compassion shown.

Hidden behind a smile
My scarred heart will stay
Living in fear when someone
Might try and take her away

From her beloved sanctuary
Just to cause her more pain
When the truth is revealed
That no one can give without gain.

Retreating alone to lick her wounds,
My heart will remain behind a closed door
Mending what's been broken
So many times before

Waiting patiently day and night
Until her tears run dry
Hiding until she has the chance
To break free, spread her wings, and fly...

Spiraling downward,
Out of control
Chaotic beauty
Trying to find a hold

Keeping it all
Bottled deep inside,
Your heart is a maze
With many places to hide.

Keeping yourself
Just out of reach
Tired of listening
To everybody preach

About what to do
And who to be
Everyone so focused
On what they can see

But hidden inside
Under lock and key
Are all the feelings
He gave to me

Feelings of happiness,
Feelings of love,
Of fitting into someone's arms
Perfectly, like a glove.

And just when I was safe,
He took it away
And left me
Wondering why each day

Why aren't I good enough?
Why can't it be me?
Why doesn't he realize
What everyone else can see?

I sit here alone
Vacant and yearning
For him to return
While his world keeps turning.

I'm stuck in limbo
Unable to move on
It was real to me
Though his feelings were all gone

It's hard to accept,
Harder to believe
That I meant nothing
And that's how he could leave.

But how can someone be
So thoughtless and cruel?
As a person
Follow one rule:

Do unto others
What you want done to you
Maybe he'll change
And become honest and true

But until then
I'll remain alone
Because I deserve more
Than what I've been shown.

I'm doing 90 on the freeway
My hands gripping the steering wheel like a tourniquet
Trying to stop the memories from flowing
By draining the blood from my helping hands

Music blares from the speakers
To drown out your constant drone
Of laughing and good feelings
My ears ring from the echoes of the past

Your face appears, an apparition from a beautiful nightmare that I can't wake up from.
I thrash, I kick,
I daydream about wrecking my car in a desperate attempt to shake you

But you exist everywhere I have ever seen your smile.
It's like a tattoo on my heart
No Q-switched laser can take it away.
I'm branded yours.

I've driven these streets a million times
But they're foreign, plagued by your image.
These towns are haunted by the ghost of you
Constantly tormenting me

Your vision reminds me that, while I grew up here,
This place is not my home.
The strongest walls I've ever had were your arms.
Now that you've left, I'm homeless.

I am a product of my childhood
As so many of us are
I show every wound
And wear every scar
I've been a dozen people
With so many different faces
If you look close enough,
You can still see the traces.
The many hands
Molded me into the woman you see
Finally in my own skin
And not afraid to be me.
They still linger there
Just beneath the surface
Waiting for a moment
When I am defenseless
They take turns
And react to every situation
Anger, sadness,
Confusion, depression.
I have all these feelings
In my head and heart
All fighting for room
With no real place to start.
A product of my childhood
Where I learn to adapt
And best every circumstance
With my sanity intact
A product of my mistakes
That have left me broken
Abandoned with no answers
And a thousand words unspoken
A product of my relationships
Where it seems impossible to trust
You lay all your cards on the table
And it turns out you bust.
A product of my tears
That stain the pillowcase
Followed by the glowing smile
I've created to save face.
A product of my actions
That seem so careless and free
But behind them I'm screaming
"Look what you've done to me"
A product of my silence
And all the things I've never said
A solace I've created
To combat the chaos in my head.

I look around and all I see
Are people drenched in ignorance and idiocy
Yet all of them are better than me

In some way, shape, or form
It's probably better to stick to the norm,
The mold from which society was born

It's a safer way to live, easier way to sleep
Following the herd like a flock of sheep
life will never seem too steep

If you lock up your heart, toss away the key
Never expect a man to get down on one knee
For it will never happen to she

Who speaks her mind, goes against the grain
Gentlemen will never have anything to gain
She will be left in the pouring rain

To fin for herself
Something to forget on the top shelf
No one cares about the wealth

Of a person's soul, or what they have to lose
My heart is sick and tired of this abuse
So, get out of my head and find someone else to use

Stuck between a rock and a hard place
Two steps backwards to try and save face
Torn between sharing,
Being bold and daring
And hiding behind a smile, pretending and not caring.

The latter will eat you alive;
You have to communicate and only the strong will survive.
Take a chance,  say what you need to say.
Don't hold it in one more day
Maybe if he understands you can find a way.

Complain about what doesn't really matter
A nuisance designed simply to flatter
Something you secretly long for
A sentiment you've never felt before
You don't need a lot, just a little bit more

It's the little things that matter the most
No need to bare the soul from coast to coast
A thoughtful gesture, a homemade gift
Would considerably lessen the rift
And cause my restless thoughts to shift

From dark and dreary
To light and cheery
It only takes a moment or two
To create something fun and new
To let me know how you think of me, too.

He said, "I'm sorry"
He apologized a lot and I never really knew why.
He made me dinner.
"I'm sorry I ruined it," he said
But I was just grateful for his thoughtfulness.
He would apologize repeatedly,
I continued to say that I loved it,
I loved him.
And I meant all of it.
"I'm sorry I didn't respond."
"I'm sorry I over slept,"
"I'm sorry I'm sad,"
It all means "I'm sorry I'm flawed"
Honey, I don't want perfect and I never did.
I wanted you in all of your imperfect glory.
I wanted you've worked all day and smell but I want a hug anyway
I wanted terrible morning breath
I wanted mistakes in the kitchen and to watch horrible movies that make us want time back in our lives.
I wanted everything good, bad, weird, anything as long as it was with you.
"I'm sorry," you said
"I'm sorry I didn't say anything, I thought you were mad."
Honey, I can count on one hand the times I was legitimately mad at you,
Frustrated and a little annoyed were more often than mad.
Maybe I didn't apologize enough for being me
When you apologized too often for being yourself
Just because you always thought you had to.
But honey, you are the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
Despite the tears and the pain, I am happy to have known you.
I wish we could see the world through each other's eyes,
Maybe then you could see that you are the sun in my universe
And I am just spinning around you.
Maybe then I could see everything you see that's wrong with us.
Maybe then I could prove you wrong...
Maybe then we could fit together like we used to,
Like two puzzle pieces cut perfectly to fill each other's hollow spots.
I'm grasping at straws, the hope that someday soon,
Before I fade away, you'll show up at my door
No words would be needed because our eyes would hold all of the love and yearning we've kept just underneath the surface.
And when we finally melt together, the eruption would happen and we would know that we can make it through anything. Everything.
I'm grasping at straws, but they all slip through my fingertips...they fall to the floor among the pieces of my heart.
"I'm sorry," you'll say.
The saddest thing, I think, is how much we miss each other and want each other,
But we stay as far away as possible
Out of confusion,
Out of habit,
Out of comfort,
Out of fear...
And for all of that, I am sorry.

It's like...
I'm drowning in slow motion.
My eyes are wide open
And everything is glistening
Beautiful.
But I can't enjoy it;
My lungs burn
I can't move.
Paralyzed.
There are people
They're in the water with me
They know I'm there.
I open my mouth
But no one hears.
They can't see
What's happening beneath.
More people enter the water,
My life
And the pool grows deeper
Pushing me further away
From the surface.
Sometimes
Someone will join me
To breathe air into my tires lungs
Because if I die, so does the pool.
Heaven forbid.
On occasion
They place a rock on my chest
Right over my heart
To force me to fight...
But, they forget
I can't move
I...am stuck
Drowning in slow motion
For good.

Take these tears and put them on ice,
Shame on me for letting you fool me twice.
Sweet nothings babbles through the course of time,
Putting my guard down let me believe you were mine.
Happy and laughing, then things changed quick;
"Something is wrong, I need help!" what a trick.
"I need to be alone so I can get by"
Did you really think I wouldn't catch your lie?
Making me worry and hope for the best,
When everything you said meant nothing and you couldn't care less.
All I ever asked for was honesty,
I meant what I said, but you didn't give me that courtesy.
Took what you wanted, you got the best of me
And I was so blinded by you and unable to see
The man behind the mask, the liar and thief
Who stole my heart with every intention to leave.
Spinning lies into beautiful illusions
I ate them up and bought into the delusion.
Giving you the benefit of the doubt
Because the feelings I have I'd gone too long without.
I don't like to give up or walk away,
But this is a game that I don't want to play.
I'm sorry for my wasted time
And all the nice things I said--every line
I'm sorry for my broken heart feeling like an exposed nerve,
But most of all I'm sorry because you're not what I deserve.
You didn't have the decency to tell me the truth,
I guess that's just a sign of your immaturity and youth
Someone better will come along, they'll be honest and nice,
But ****...shame on me for letting you fool me twice.

Less Than Perfect

It's amazing how well things work out
How we all go through life without a doubt
That things will happen the way we want them to--
Too bad it didn't end up that way for you.

Always complaining about things you couldn't control
A growth, a height, some ill placed mole,
A deformity, a disease, a defect
Terrorizing anyone who was less than perfect

Looking around at your flawed family,
Your children were heavy, your sister-in-law had epilepsy.
You had to do something to get away--something direct
To strive to find what you wanted: perfect.

You finally found her, a woman so fantastic
Only to find out now she's become epileptic.
I wonder if you feel bad now, in retrospect
For judging people who're less than perfect?

Back to where I began
Part of rock bottom was never the plan
Sleeping with distractions to end night terrors
Making love when there's no love there
What does one expect when I'm broken and torn?
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
You made me believe lies so many
But they didn't lie when they said misery loves company.
I hope you wake up years from now
And realize that you missed out.
I'm not mad that it's over, just mad how it ended
After all I went through and your flaws that I defended.
There's nothing worse than looking like a fool
And now I'm sick and tired of following the rules.
I'm standing up, finally not lying down
I can't wait to laugh and see you frown.
But when I'm alone, the truth can't hide,
My actions and my heart don't coincide.
Congratulations, you finally broke me
And forced me to act a way I never wanted to be
I'm just at a loss, I don't know what to do
All I know is I'm so disappointed in you
And in myself for believing your lies
And becoming something I know I'll despise.

Answers in front of you
Words left unspoken, unsaid
Mixed signals still vibrant
Running rampant inside your head

Let it go
Take the words and move on
See this for what it's worth
And realize it's all wrong.

Obsession and excuses
Just to fill the void
Tell yourself it's ok,
Your heart is just a toy

People play and make fun
They can't see it's broken and cracked
From things that have happened
In a long time passed

You search for vengeance,
For recompense
Trying to right all the wrongs
To have it all make sense

There's a consequence
From loving too much
From not loving yourself
Depression, diseases and such

The familiarity
A daunting, yearning abyss
Making the different
So easy to dismiss

To overlook.
The answers are there, in your past
It's up to you to search
And try to create something that will last

After years of living
The same way only to find that you have to change
The way you've been living is unhealthy
But everything else seems strange

And foreign
How do you take what's important,
The relationships you've built
And then learn you have to ignore it?

Because
The way you've been living is wrong
And after a time
The one you loved is gone

Just because you fit
Doesn't make it good
That's the part that's missing
That's so easily misunderstood

You need something
Despite what happened as a child
Find something different
Be daring, be wild

Start chasing
What's good for you
Don't worry about him
And what it is you can do.

Loving too much
Can only bring you down
Stop thinking about their smile
And take a look at your own frown

Think of why
Someone so beautiful
Wouldn't be good enough
And remains miserable

Turn it around
This is your life
Live for yourself,
Forget your strife

Love you
There's no need to take cover
The one who is worth it
Would never consider another

Lift up your chin
And look at the light
The darkness is over
But be prepared to fight

For yourself
And for what you deserve
Your faith will be tested
And it might make you swerve

Never give up
And stop thinking you need to pick up the slack
You've discovered your problem
Now there's no turning back.

Teardrops are a lullaby
Singing me to sleep
But this broken heart is nothing
Compared to promises you can't keep.
It's like a steady march
To a death toll
As sorrow sets in
And consumes my soul
It eats away at me
From the inside out
Starting at my heart,
Then taking the easy rout;
Moving on its way,
Coursing through my veins
Like acid in my blood,
There is no worse pain.
I cover my mouth
To try and conceal
Ashamed at all of this
And exactly how I feel.
How could I have done this?
How could this happen?
I gave my all and once again
I am found lacking.
****** if you do,
More so if you don't
I'm trying to keep my head above water,
Just to stay afloat.
Throw me a lifeline,
Just something to hold on to
Show me there's a reason
That I haven't given up on you...

There's a spark in the darkness,
A faint glimmer of hope,
Someone to dull the ache
So you know you're not alone.

A moonbeam, silver streak of light,
Bursting through the black
To ease the troubled mind,
Kindling your heart until your faith comes back.

The warmth spreads
Like waves across the sand,
Lingering like fog
Inches above the land,

But nothing in pitch can last.

The distant glow,
The perfect summer night
Grow dimmer and fade
Keeping just out of sight.

You strain to see
The light in the dark,
The burning sensation
That tears you apart

The semblance of joy,
Of something exciting and new
Temporary at best
Like a shooting star, a lovely view.

Here one moment,
Gone the next,
A flash of light
Swallowed by the swirling vortex;

A dank void, a gaping mess,
Clinging to what might have been,
Filled with hope and restlessness
Waiting for the match to be lit again.

What is life but a downward plight
Struggling to find your way and do what's right
Working hard to pay for your needs
While listening to other cries and pleas.
For a life of tedium is not a life worth living
The world is corrupt and less people are willing
To help their fellow man, give the shirt off their back
Conviction, these days, is what humans lack.
The ignored cries for help while the majority weep
It's no wonder none of us are able to sleep;
Dealing with our mundane, uninteresting existence
While the demand for more of us becomes most persistent
Until all you can do is relax and cry
While the universe continues to bleed you dry
And what is left of you but a token?
Gone in due time with the words you left unspoken

Mommy used to say
"Just wait. It will get better someday"
But she never knew there was more
Than the life she settled for

Mommy used to say
"It's ok. I'm happy this way"
But she never knew she could run
From the mess that life had spun

Tangled and snared
She never leapt, she never dared
Making the best out of what she had
Ignoring the fact that everything was bad

Fate stepped in and dealt a hand
That severed every rotten strand
To build a new life, to start anew
With an absolutely stunning point of view

I can see the sunset and sunrise
Dancing behind the sparkles in her eyes
With rekindled light and life
Bringing a close to the years of strife.

Now mommy says
"I'm the happiest I've ever been"
It's in her eyes, her voice. "I've never been happier"
And all I can do is smile, because I believe her.

Bare feet against cold sheets
Counting mistakes and reasons why I can't sleep
Tossing and turning, pressing pillow against cheek
The future is a mountain with no peak.
The night is pitch, dark and deep
Mocking me, teasing me, causing me to weep
Faces appear from my past,
Some long forgotten, some struggling to last
They circle around and around my head,
Their ruckus taunts making me wish I were dead.
"Remember, remember!" They chant.
I don't want to recall. As a matter of fact, I can't
To go back would be dangerous to all,
Cling to your faith, don't let yourself fall
Back into the dusk, into the cave
Your soul is the only one you can save
Nighttime madness with feet naked and bare
Sheets cold and lonely with nobody there
To hold you and tell you things will be alright
Or to supress the dark thoughts that haunt you at night.
Close your eyes, let the music drown out the sound
And remember you're the only one who will always be around.

People keep asking me if I'm okay
And mostly, I am.

But, how am I supposed to be okay
When the only man
Who has the ability to break the spell and hold my heart,
The only other man that makes me smile and aware of my heart beat,
Lives too far away to give me a chance,
And is too wary from his last relationship
To attempt to close the distance between us.

How am I supposed to be okay
When a boy and a girl
Who know each other inside and out
Who learn and grow together for five years
A boy and girl who think the world of each other
Don't end up together.
The boy she thought would be
Her fairy tale ending
Falls in love with someone else
In the fraction of the time that they knew each other
How can I be okay now that she's his wife.
How can I be okay
With losing a best friend, and a part of myself.

How can I be okay
When the man I want to be with
Keeps me at arms length.
He holds me in place,
Sure to steal my focus the moment it might waver from him.
He dangles hope in front of my eyes
Like a hook and I wait with baited breath.
He whispers sweet nothings into my ears
That float into my brain
And my brain does a magic trick that makes mole hills into mountains.
Because in my head
You mean everything you say.
In my head,
You're my new fairy tale
With no ending in sight.

You're playing tug of war with my heartstrings
And the cords are wearing thin
When I am with you my heart grows wings,
But this is the hardest place I've ever been.

One moment everything is right side up
The next it's all upside down
Some days I'm beautiful without makeup,
And others I'm the clown.

I am not made of glass, I was created in stone
I won't shatter, but I can break
Glued back together one too many times so the crack aren't shown.
I can't let you see the broken, so I cover up the ache

Of how much it hurts that you keep me hidden
Because I've done that to myself countless times,
I've never been one to take what isn't given
But I don't want to settle for what I don't deserve sometimes.

I'm constantly being pulled this way and that
My mind is always racing, keeping me wide awake
Caught between standing up for myself or laying down flat.
I feel like there's so much at stake...

From butterflies to footprints,
Long goodbyes to a quick nod
From loud and clear to subtle hints
All while believing this was an act of God

Everything feels backwards, like a time warp through space
I keep trying to find a place to get a grip,
But it's all out of place
And my hands are starting to slip...

Will you stand there and watch me fall
Or hold on tight and let me in?
I think we can make it through it all,
Forever connected by our miracle within.

But how will things turn out?
Something I wish I knew
I have faith that things will come about
The way that they were always meant to.

And everything will be just fine...

I am cold and broken
Lying naked on the floor
Shattered and feeble
Worse off than before

Before you appeared
Like a burst of golden light
Before I knew
How to sleep peacefully through the night

I was content, complacent
Prior to your coming to me
Filling me with hope and wonder
Now I just feel empty

A new scar emerges
On a tattered heart
A pleasant reminder
To stay alone in the dark

To not let yourself feel
Not allow yourself to get hurt
Relationships and emotions--
Nothing will ever work

Fight to the death
To keep up your walls
No matter who tries
No matter who calls

Stay inside yourself
Where you're safe and warm
Where you know how to be
And protect yourself from harm

Never again
Do you want to feel like this
Cold and shattered
A sick, rapturous bliss

You're a *******
An odd desire for pain
You do this to yourself
Over and over again

You tell yourself convincingly
"It will be different than before"
That nasty little lie
That brings you to the floor

To be left quivering and broken
Completely alone
Until you open your eyes
And welcome yourself home.

I wonder: Will there ever be a day
When I'll wake up and be okay

A day when I'll want to get out of bed,
A day when I'll be able to forget everything you said.

For now when I wake,
The only thing I feel is a hollow ache...

Deep in my heart where I keep your memory
Blinding my judgement making it impossible to see

The people around, the people I could meet
Because I'm just too busy staring at my feet

Thinking of you, and everything you are
Thinking of how to hide the scar

That you created, deep within my core
My red, tear-stained eyes become tired and sore

Because you are all that's on my mind.
Perhaps I'll stay trapped in this time

Day after day, hoping that someday
I just might be okay.

Standing on the edge
Caught between who I was and who I am.
One step forward,
Two steps back,
Struggling to keep my head above water
Or cower in their arms, it's like an addict to smack.
Anything better than feeling alone, right?
Twisting and spiraling down a dark, dangerous plight.
Foot holds smothered in vaseline,
I can't even catch myself.
Follow the light--step forward,
Or hide in the comfort of the past
Two steps back, for those of you keeping track.
A place I swore I'd never return to
It keeps itself wrapped in pretty shades of blue.
Beckoning and calling me away from you.
You are the step forward
They are two steps back
But you stay just out of reach,
A beautiful illusion of where I want to be.
Stuck in limbo with nothing to do
Stuck between which me is really who.

There's a knife in my back
Just about skin deep
It's not noticeable
Just harder to sleep

An uncomfortable nag,
An unnerving chill
As the knife cuts deeper
With the intent to ****

There's a smile on the face,
But a scowl on the heart,
A mischievious instinct
To tear me apart

There's not much to say,
Almost nothing you can do
Then you begin to realize
This behavior is nothing new.

It's happened before
Only in a different light
A forgiving nature
But it's not worth the fight.

You fooled me once,
Shame on you
Fool me twice
I didn't want it to be true

It's a terrible feeling
When someone you could trust
Turns the tables
With their own thoughts of lust

You project onto me
Your own mistakes
The ball is in your court
And you know the stakes

The longer you wait
The further I drift
Your conscience is heavy
And needs a lift.

Communication is the key
That unocks the door to the soul
The only way to take something broken
And start to make it whole

When the lying
And deception begin
Anger and frustration arise
And you're determined to win

Do not stoop
To the level of your peers
Be the bigger person
Prove you're wise beyond your years

Learn to let them go
Out of mind, out of sight
Karma will pay them a visit
Then they'll see you're right

What will you do
When they come back?
Do they make your life better
Or is there something they lack?

The integrity, the morals,
The decency, the good
The simple reasonin
To do what they should

Because you value the life
Of another person, a friend
You appreciate the relationship
And you're there til the end

But they still have the knife
And your scar just faded
When they come back
Only freshly jaded

They beg for forgiveness
Yearn to right the wrong
Although forgetting is much easier
Especailly after waiting so long

It's impossible to regain
What you once had
You realize what you're missing
Too bad, so sad.

You let it go
You didn't care
I was disposible
Even though I was always there

It doesn't matter
What you do or say
They will get rid of you
And you'll want them to stay

Don't you fret
They're gone for a reason
They're not meant to weather your storm
Only weather a season

Their time is up
Their season has come and gone
Keep what you've learned
Smile and say "so long"

Lessons learned
If you love something, you set it free
Turn your back and walk away
Clearly this wasn't meant to be.

I have two hands.
My right hand resembles my past;
My past thought processes
Insults and compliments paid to me.
Friends,
Lovers,
Liars,
Cheaters,
Rapists.
My left hand resembles my future;
My future thought processes,
Ambitions,
Friends,
Lovers,
My actions and reactions to insults and compliments
The lines on this hand act as guides
They pave the way to the future self I want to be
The lines on my other hand act as scars,
Calloused reminders of memories best left forgotten,
Traces of every bad thought of myself etched into my skin.
My hands are 25 years old
They hold everything I am and what I've done,
They will help me shape and mold a future they can grasp.
Bad habits are a ***** to break.
My bad habit has always been hearing insults louder than compliments and then in turn insulting myself
Right hand--past.
That's the thing I know I need to work on and strengthen my mind against.
I need to start thinking good things and hearing the compliments,
Left hand--future.
But...there inlays my problem...
I'm right handed.

There's a hand on my shoulder
That pulls me back
Behind the scenes
Where no one sees
And she looks just like me

She's watched me closely
Over the years
So when she takes the stage
No one can save me
No one even knows I'm missing

Something is wrong
Something's not right
I've gone to sleep
But some how it's not night.
Everything is wrong

How do I fix this?
The damage is done.
Only I can see
Where she has stepped in
And left me behind

She plays me so well
Even I'm almost convinced
But her actions are wrong
And her confidence is minced
She is broken

Dragging me down
From the ladder I've climbed
Rung by rung
From top to bottom
Because misery loves company.

Sitting in the sidelines
Gagged and bound
Watching myself
Fall from grace
Out of control of my own fate

No fault of my own...
Adenoma was her name
Knowledge allowed me to break my chains
My shadow for a year, removed in a day
The rain cloud above my head has gone away.

But what has been broken
What she made believe
Is something I built
And watched crumble at my feet
That's something that remains

I have overcome
And am standing strong
Good as new and healing fast
Trying to find peices among the debris
And make something new

I am back in control of myself
The way it's meant to be
No one to pull me away when I least expect
Or ruin what I have going for me
It's me in the spotlight. Only me.

Two halves of a whole picture
But this one is worth a million words
Broken apart by little white lies
Growing into ******* untruths
That's okay, because the big picture is still clear.
Even broken into pieces, I still don't care.
Now it's a puzzle
We all know how much I love those.
And this one will be easy because the pieces fit together perfectly. I've seen it.
Hard at work, day after day
But the harder I try the more I see
The pieces are warped and blurry
The pieces that went together seamlessly
Are mismatched and jagged. None of them fit.
This is one puzzle, one mystery I can't solve.
I hate that.
I don't quit and I don't give up.
But I don't see any other options.
The other half has changed the picture.
I don't belong there anymore.