Long ago but not very far,
I had a lover who gave me this scar
It runs from my shoulder down to my wrist,
Curving at the elbow with a sick little twist
The blood flowed but the cut was not deep.
This mark of shame is one I must keep,
For the reason he struck--he had opened the door
To catch me with a lover I loved much more

They're just Z's, Chelsea, it's not a big deal.
But to him they were snowflakes.
They're just brown eyes, nothing special there.
But to him they were beautiful, mesmerizing.
My imperfect body is covered with flaws
But to him it was perfect in every way.
He used to make a song and sing about how much he liked every part of my body, just to see me smile.
You might say: they're just words!
And you'd be right... But didn't they mean something?
Just penguins and lobsters
Just whales laying next to each other at night making noise to let the other one know we're there...
Wasn't it right how our bodies fit together like the jigsaw puzzles I put together
And that you helped me save?
Wasn't it right how we could talk for hours, see each other for days
And still want more?
Wasn't it right how I could fall asleep with my head on your chest and your arms around me
And feel just as safe as I do in my barricade of pillows
If not more so?
Wasn't it right how we made each other so happy we could hardly stand it and we'd settle for "ah!" as a description.
Didn't it matter that I still got butterflies with every kiss and utterance of "I love you"?
Where did it go wrong?
Why could only you see us falling apart?
Why didn't you warn me?
Because didn't it matter that we spent a whole week living together and only argued once?
Isn't it wrong that we can go months without speaking
But not a day goes by that I don't think about you.
Isn't it wrong that I see you in everything.
Everything is wrong.
I lay still at night, a lone whale full of emptiness
Listening to the stillness of the silence
Making noise because I am awake.
But you're not there to answer back.
You're not here.
And that's wrong.
...Right?

Tear drops fall like rain
Contort your face, mask the pain
Silly of you to let your guard down
For a boy from out of town

Hours slide, days pass by
Heart on the sleeve, no reason to lie
To the boy who thinks you're a saint
Who makes your head spin and your heart faint

You took things a little too far
And you don't know how to handle this scar.
Patch it up and continue as if nothing's wrong.
But how can you when you've been kidding yourself for so long?

You saw something that was never there at all
And let yourself spiral into a deadly free fall
No harness, no safety net to speak of
Just waves and shouts from above

What's the matter, silly girl?
You're not for diamond or pearl,
Or did you forget?
You can't complain or regret

Now you know where you stand
All alone, fragile vessel in hand
But you should have known from the start
Looked the other way, and locked up your heart

Maybe it was true and he changed his mind
He knows where you are, so you're left behind
With a million questions and no reasons why
Just red eyes and wet cheeks to dry

Maybe you were right from the beginning
Born to lose, not destined for winning
All the fantasies you fabricate
All along knowing you're inadequate

Misread signals and signs
Twisting and turning all this time
So much for solace and hope
You just feel embarrassed, a big joke

Nothing can be the same
Now you're bared and shamed
But how can you turn your back
When it's your fault for the things you lack?

Silly girl, go back where you belong
Alone in the dark humming a soft song
To comfort yourself and fill the void
With something besides the deafening white noise

Close yourself up, lock up tight;
Sing and hum with all your might
Next time don't read, you'll only go blind
Stay tucked away in the recess of your mind.

Look in the mirror. What do you see?
Unconventional beauty, isn't that right?
Everybody sees differently
But imperfection is not an ugly sight.

You look at yourself and wish that you were blind
Counting the flaws and things you could change
You're listening to the voices in your mind
Telling you that you look silly or strange

You wish you were someone people consider beautiful
But looks only go skin deep.
If you want true beauty, look into the soul
That's where things are so trivial and cheap.

Inside yourself is where the true glamour lies
Stirring, growing, inviting them in
Shining out through your eyes
Windows to a heart that's spread so paper thin

Wanting to fix, yearning to please
Make everyone happy and smile
She hides it well and succeeds with ease
But dark thoughts have been there for a while.

I'm not good enough
No one will ever love me
Anyone calls you pretty, call their bluff
They need glasses if they can't see

Exactly what you do when you look in that mirror
The moles, the rolls, the unwanted hair
All the imperfections couldn't be clearer
And you wish that you weren't there...

But you were made this way
Vision is not what people are all about
The beauty within is what you display
And that will make you gorgeous inside and out

Imperfection is not any ugly sight
And ignorance is not blissful.
Broadcast your heart, let it take flight
Never let anyone make you feel unbeautiful

It's only skin deep
And it all fades with time
Youth and grace you cannot keep
Death is a surely sign

Of how beautiful you were by all the people around
Who stand by your side
Even after you're in the ground
People need a lesson, some sort of guide

Attractiveness is in the eyes of the beholder
And once you learn you can't please everyone
Your feelings and thoughts won't smolder
Your judgement and make you want to run

Away from happiness and love
And from believing
That you aren't good enough
Because everyone is someone worth seeing.

Fade away slowly without a trace,
Close your eyes to find a happier place

A place where you don't have to hide,
A paradise so lovely, buried deep inside

Home of your heart where nothing could be more true
Where you have a chance to try on a new shoe

Just to see how it fits for a bit
Until you wander back to the growing pit

The void that is your world, something like Hell,
The abyss that makes you long for your shell

The solace you create behind closed doors
The imaginary pink and purple sky with golden sea shores

A place you long for in your dreams,
Slipping through your fingers and bursting at the seams

Clinging to a false hope that not everyone is the same,
Enough to break your heart, to make you go insane

Especially when you realize you're the only one who's different,
Floating alone on an island so distant

From everyone and anyone you believed to be close
That end up forgetting you, treating you like a ghost

I'm struggling across the span,
To bridge the gap but I don't think I can

How can something be fixed when no one thinks it's broken?
I'll take my lonely island and leave you with a token;

A semblance of life beyond the reality,
A life that I pray the world will one day see...

She smiles.
It's a genuine thing:
Raises her cheekbones,
Lights up her face and puts a sparkle in her eye.
You smile, too. You feel better.
She knows how to make people feel better.
Even when she's not okay.
Her smile blinds everyone to the pain.
The thing about her is...
She doesn't want the same in return,
She wants your ear.
Your presence.
Your acknowledgment.
Your time.
But you only come around when you're down,
When you need a light in your darkness.
She let's you take whatever brightness you need from her.
Because she doesn't mind.
She can make everyone feel good
Except herself.
Her light is fading fast,
Stolen by thieves in the night
Leaving her shrouded in black
With only a dim glow in sight
She trudges on toward it,
But it goes farther still.
Will she ever make it?
It's too soon to tell.

It started with a smile.
A smile and a laugh
Flash from drunken rooftop parties
To a stroll along the beach.
Maybe it was the air between Alabama and Florida,
Sticky sweet like the nectar from magnolias,
Clinging to our bodies like an extra layer of skin,
But I never felt closer than when our hands drifted into one another.
Through the haze of the heat, I've never seen brighter smiles
Than the ones you flashed me while we were walking side by side.
The seagulls, the palm trees, and I saw you shining in the Florida sun
As the waves crashed against your jeans while the rest of the world faded away.
The waves, the sand, and I all saw you watching as we walked along the shoreline.
I saw you watching when you thought I wasn't looking, because I was watching too.
Back in the crisp Michigan air, we're two hours and a world apart,
A hop and a skip I wouldn't mind taking
Just to take our journey beyond southern comfort.

I'm 131 ideas south of good.
Winding down the lamp lit highway,
The lights sparkling in the dark like the Pearl necklaces you gave me every time we met.
Your lips tasted of coffee, your kiss as warm and as welcome in the Winter air,
But your indifference clings to me like a chilly second skin.
Me longing to mean something is what you find Fault In.
You scrape the surface of me, but there is so much more underneath
Shaking and awaiting your firm yet gentle exploration...
You look, you admire, and you walk away.
I remain motionless until The very Bitter End.

It was fun while it lasted
But there will never be more
Happiness is on the way
This is just a detour,

A roundabout way
To go through life,
Trial and error
Struggle and strife

You make mistakes,
Sometimes more than twice
You shun words of wisdom
And heed no advice.

Between your heart and your mind,
You know best what to chose
You move on impulse
Because you have nothing to lose

In the heat of the moment
The passion is there
But when the time passes
You're lonely and bare

Cold and defeated
Grasping for what's real
You find it in your heart
And allow it to heal

But reslestness creeps back
Into the depths of your soul
Like a ****** to a rush
Or a stipper to a pole

You slip back, relapse
You're so tired of being good
If only there was someway
To not be misunderstood

He appears but he's taken
You almost don't care
You've always followed rules
And done what was fair

What goes around comes around
You get what you give
But being pushed around
Is no way to live

Whatever the choice
You have to live with yourself
You can't run away
Or place guilt on a shelf

There's something missing
You just don't know what
Lock up your heart
And staple it shut.

Don't open up,
No one can get in
Continue to live your life
Riddled with sin

Nothing ventured,
Nothing gained
Everything lost
After you've strained

Nice girls finish last
Because they abide by rules
Kindness used against them,
Treated like fools

It doesn't matter
How a heart breaks
The winner takes it all
Whatever the stakes

The loser huddles
In the shadow of the victor
Battered and bruised
You couldn't feel sicker.

Life isn't all about
Take what you can get
Think of the cost
And what you'll live to regret

There's a price
For everything we say and do
Why not be honest
And do what's true to you.

Try to be nice
Try to be kind
Because in the end
There's one thing you'll find;

Relationships are key,
No matter how frayed
Hold loved ones close
Don't wish they had stayed

Say what's on your mind
Never hold back
Love with all your heart
And you'll get back on track

If you detour,
Don't stray for long
That path is for the weak
And you are far too strong.

Don't give up
And never give in
In the long run,
It is you who will win

With no regrets
And no remose
Your feet will swiftly
Follow the course

Of the life that has been
Given to you
And although you bite off
More than you can chew

Close your eyes
And walk by faith
And remind yourself
It's never too late

To right any wrongs
To do what's right
If you never see darkness,
You'll never know light

Lift up your head,
Stand tall and proud
Lufet up your voice
And sing  out loud

Life is what you make it,
So dance in the sun
And soon you will discover
That you have won.

I've clawed my way up
Dug myself out
Rising above
Because that's what it's about.

So many twists
And so many turns
Life is what you make it
You get what you earn

Paths can be taken
Roads can be avoided
Choices will be made
And mistakes exploited

If you go all in
Be prepared for all out
Prepare for battle
And struggles with doubt

What if's and could be's
Are destroyers of life
And what you cling to
In moments of strife

Where do you go
When the rungs of your ladder break?
Do you fight to continue
Or give up what's at stake?

Where there's a will there's a way
There's no such thing as luck
Better think of a way
To get yourself unstuck

Think around the problem
Try to climb but fall
Close your eyes and relax
And listen to their call

There's nothing but light
And a deafening sound again
They tell you you're alright
And medicate the pain

But something more is going on
Something no one can fix
They think it's an excuse,
An old dog learning new tricks

No one can explain
Or pinpoint what's wrong
There's no comfort or escape
Just the murderous melody of a song

A destructive tune
That constantly plays
Growing and taunting
A little more each day

"You tried and you failed"
The evil notes jest
"You can't make it
Even if you try your best"

The voices sing on
Like a chorus in your head
Causing you to shrivel
And wish you were dead

The what if's and could be's
Come back and linger
And you can't ask for help
No one would lift a finger

Exhausted and exposed
You sit in the dark
Playing with pills
From thoughts previously sparked

Tired of thinking
You want your mind at rest
You try to fight but fail
Even though you try your best...

I broke myself completely in half
Making a fool while you sat back and laughed
At all the things I said and did
Now the picture of your sweet face is contorted.
I thought I could help you,
Make you feel something other than numb
I thought I saw your potential,
How could I have been so dumb?
To let you pull me, string me along
While in the background all I hear are depressing love songs
That lay out exactly what you would do
To me and anyone else who tried to pull you through
The darkness in your heart
And the mean in your soul,
I need to learn that sometimes even I can’t reach my goal.
I gave you everything,
Gave you my all
While you pushed me and watched me fall
And knowing that every word you said was fake,
Now I’m cold, broken, alone, and feeble
But make no mistake,
The broken pieces of my heart could fit through the eye of a needle.[1]


[1] A Knight’s Tale

I've done nothing but follow your lead.
I never asked for anything;
"Let's move in together" you said.
I was shocked and scared
But the more I thought about it,
The more I fell in love with the idea of our family,
With an additional piece of you to mix in.
A three bedroom house, we decided
So the kids could have their space.
I never knew what to expect for us.
You never told me.
In the course of a second the walls of our house came crashing down,
All my planning and ideas turned to ashes
Along with any trust I had in you.
How am I supposed to adjust when I feel like I lost everything on the blink an eye.
You try to lead me where we're going,
But I can't believe you. I won't follow.
You have to build from the foundation.
It's almost like you're holding your hand out, reaching for a high five
And you leave your hand there for so long,
Then, when I finally reach for you, you move away.
So, I stretch.
But I'm wearing myself too thin.
I beg for basic consideration,
To be met by indifference
I beg for affection
To get rejection.
I beg for communication
To get silence.
It hurts that I've let myself fall this far,
When I promised I never would again.
So I'll go if that's what you want.
I'll retreat so far into myself you won't know where to find me.
And then maybe in my indifference, my rejection, and my silence...you'll listen.

You don't get it.
You can't do that.
You can't walk away and then come back and act like you care...
No, I didn't say that you can't be nice or polite,
I'm saying that you can't inquire about my safety every chance you get and offer favors when you're worried about it.
That's far too "boyfriendy"
You can't get jealous
You always wonder why...
It's because you're the one who leaves
Every. Time.
It's like...
We're walking down an old dusty road together, hand in hand
We stop, you turn to me, and walk away.
I watch you leave.
I look around confused and wander in circles.
I finally get my bearings and start down a new path
Then there you are in front of me again
And where else can I go?

This mind of mine
Cannot be tamed
I can't have you look at me,
I'm too ashamed

Of who I am
And what I've done
There's no solace,
Only a ****** of one

It'll be alright,
No one will miss her for long
After all,
Everything about her was wrong.

The me I used to be,
She's going to disappear
With all this torment around her,
She can't survive here.

She's too forgiving,
Far too naive
She can't seem to grasp
That people hide tricks up their sleeve

Not everyone
Means what they say
Or say what they mean
It's all for gain, at the end of the day

It doesn't matter
Who they hurt
With kind words
And some harmless flirt

Until the end
Words are all they were
And in the end
The actions are what broke her

That make her shy away
And build a massive wall
So high and fortified
No one can get in at all

She wants to allow it,
To let them back in
But the damage is done
There's nowhere to begin

Trust them--
You aren't as important as you seem
Stop chasing your
Silly semblance of a day dream.

Ignorance is not bliss
This scarred heart goes to show
That you will be at peace
When there's nothing more to know.

You don't know what you have 'til it's gone
But what if what you had is where you belong?
Nothing has felt the same;
A small lift to your lips when you hear his name.
Countless hours and time invested
Sleepless nights still have you well rested
It was refreshing, a beacon of hope
To test your mind and broaden your scope
Make you realize what's important, what's not
Try your hardest but mess up your shot
Was it you? Was it him?
An internal struggle you will never win.
Drive yourself crazy wondering what's on his mind
Try to make him see what he left behind
Easier to think you don't exist
If words spoken were true, he couldn't resist
The person you are, the person you strive to be
Kind, rational, and gentle--effortlessly
His light in the darkness, he'll even admit
Maybe that's true but he's blinded by it.
Take my hand, let me show you the way
We can get there together, not now but someday.
Play with fire and you're bound to get burned
Blistered fingertips are lessons learned
Third degree, that's what it took
To shake my resolve and really make me look
At what was there and what wasn't
Based on well placed words, well over a dozen
All wraped up in couplets and prose
There's no way everyone else gets those
The words that flow together so well
Trying to tell me something I guess only time can tell

It's the tell tale question:
"what do you want?"
I need no hesitation as a montage enters my head.
I want a phone call saying
"come outside"
I want a face grab and a heated kiss.
I want rocks thrown at my window,
I want a boom box hoisted overhead,
I want a scavenger hunt leading me to you,
I want a letter of explanation,
I want a scheme to surprise me with your presence,
I want a grand gesture,
Or flowers with a confession of love,
Even if you're not good with words.
I want an "I miss you, I miss us."
I want "meet me here" and an "I'll be waiting."
I want a deliberate touch,
A lingering gaze weighted with words you can't say.
I want you to be drawn to me the way that I am drawn to you,
Like two magnets holding together through any obstacle and force trying to keep them apart.
What do I want?
The answer is simple:
Him.

Eyes closed, no light seeps in
Butterflies tip-toe and dance within
The tickle of something against my hand
A small secret, written command.

But it's different when your lips brush against mine
It's gentle and sweet, like a fleeting sign
That this is what I've wanted, imagined for so long
With a kiss like that, what could possibly go wrong?

There's a burst of passion, a rush of light
A companion that chose to stay for the night.
Morning comes and the heat is back
Bodies intertwined to make up for the months of lack

Comfort and need found in each other
But we see differently than one another
You don't want me
And you're the only one I can see.

I knew that when it started;
You want temporary, I want whole-hearted.
That didn't stop the look in your eyes
The one I'll have to later disguise.

I let you in, I'm an open book
While I try to decipher your feelings by how you look
I have a feeling that I feel more
But when I think back on it, I'm not exactly sure

When you're unresponsive and reserved
I can only imagine that my words were unheard
Or maybe you just don't understand?
Maybe next time I'll write a message on your hand

Telling you how it would be
If only you wanted me.
I would be there for you through good and bad
Do anything to make you smile, never want to see you sad

There's something about you that I can't seem to let go
Ever since day one, although that was so long ago.
You always find me, no matter where I am
We seem to fit although you're a lion and I'm a lamb.

I see you for you, I'm here no matter what
I just wish you'd let me in, not slam the door shut;
I'm here to help, not to judge
Nothing you do could possibly smudge

How I feel or what I want
It only hurts when you taunt
Because you know how I feel
And sometimes treat me like I'm not real

Are we friends? Something more?
At times I can't be so sure
That I'm your friend at all
It makes me feel so silly and small

I'm used to giving more and getting less
Because I like to be the cause of happiness
And neglect myself
For the greater good and other's health

But when I feel invisible
Or even disposable
It makes it hard to believe
And makes me expect you to leave

Feeling like you don't matter...
There's nothing better to make you shatter
When someone claims they're your friend
But you don't really know if they are in the end...

I guess, as usual, it's shame on me
Cataracts blurred my vision but now it's easy to see
You never cared about my feelings at all
You just keep blowing smoke and standing tall
While I'm crumbling beneath the weight of the world,
Trying to deal with this crazy hand I've been hurled.
I feel like I'm holding on to a frayed rope
Clinging to any little bit of hope
That I can see in your words, but barely in your eyes
I pick through each letter, trying to detect lies.
Are the words on your lips and fingertips truly in your heart?
I overthink until I'm sick and it's tearing me apart
I don't think I believe you, I don't know if I can
But everything is backwards, and I don't have a plan.
I feel like I knew you better when we first met
But now you're like a stranger that I don't know yet...
I know I'm holding my arms out, trying to keep you at bay,
I don't know why I bother, when you're a million miles away.
I've laid myself bare, just trying to make you see
But it seems like I'm invisible and you look right through me.
Or you do see, and you choose to ignore
Waiting for something better while I hold open door.
My words of want and need fall on deaf ears,
For you won't stop talking long enough to let the smoke clear
You've been calling the shots while you have your fun,
I've been plucking flower petals, waiting you to be done.
He wants me, he wants me not.
I twist the stems, forming a knot
Tied together just like the rest of our lives,
No time to relax, forced to take things in strides
"You're stuck with me, like glue" you say
I half smile and nod while my thoughts drift away
To an undeniable truth that "glued things" touch.
I've never been good at asking, but I don't think affection is too much.
Holding hands, a hug, a kiss
Things we used to always do, but now we are remiss.
How can we possibly build when we've taken steps back?
No part of this rollercoaster has ever been on track.
It's all spiraling and spinning out of control
All of this whiplash is really taking a toll
On my spirit and on my brain,
Some days I feel like I'm going insane.
I have so much I need to say to you,
I've tried being subtle, but you don't have a clue.
Or, you aren't bothered that my mind is always buzzing
And keep neglecting me, leaving sweet nothings
Like a trail of breadcrumbs on my ears leading me nowhere
Leaving me stranded alone with nothing but a prayer
That one day you'll change your mind
And realize that I'm not easy to find
That this is real, and this is fate
I just hope you don't make your mind up too late...

"Can I have this dance?"
I take your hand and follow you to the dance floor.
We begin. Moving gracefully at first,
Every twist and turn comes with ease.
A turn and suddenly, a misstep.
I turn back to you, confused.
We're on the same dance floor, only now I can't hear the music.
But you can.
I try to lock eyes with you, attempting to feel your next moves.
But you aren't looking at me, and your hands feel like air in mine.
I am completely at your mercy.
I plead with my eyes to make you understand that I'm lost.
I ask for clarity, but the words get lost between my lips.
You push and pull me from side to side,
No warning, no clue as to where I'll go next.
In between dips and turns, we go back to a simple pattern.
Flawless, fluid, in sync.
Then the music changes and you adjust
I stumble and feel your arms steady me, then spin me around.
My head pounds from the whiplash.
Now we're clumsy, awkward, disjunct.
I look up to see an empty dance floor.
With you still leading me through a blind dance.
I go along with the back and forth, the fluid and clumsy.
Because what can I do on an endless floor with no music and no direction.

You Don't Understand....

You don’t see what everyone else can see
You don’t know how dear you are to me

Changes you’ve gone through put aches in my heart
But you don’t know how much that’s set us apart

You like to think no one is on your side
And you make it hard for those of us just along for the ride

Everyone only wants what’s best for you,
They want all of your wildest dreams to come true

Of course you don’t see what all of us are saying,
You just keep getting farther while the rest of us are paying

Sorrow and grief beyond belief
By what you have become due to a rotten thief

Who’s stolen the smart, beautiful women we knew
Into someone it sort of hurts to look to

We know who you are and what you can do
All of us are rooting for you…

Except for the thief who comes in the night
Twisting our words to make his seem right

And being the good person we know
You follow him and let him tow

You along down this narrow street
Constantly staring at your feet

Oblivious to people you trust and love
Oblivious to messages sent from above

The thief takes what he wants and laughs in our face
While the rest of us struggle just to keep pace

We reach for the girl we used to know…
But she has been seized by the undertow

In the thief’s domain is where she resides
Relaxing and caring for nothing besides

He who has changed her into what she is now
Someone I can hardly stand to be around