Answers in front of you
Words left unspoken, unsaid
Mixed signals still vibrant
Running rampant inside your head

Let it go
Take the words and move on
See this for what it's worth
And realize it's all wrong.

Obsession and excuses
Just to fill the void
Tell yourself it's ok,
Your heart is just a toy

People play and make fun
They can't see it's broken and cracked
From things that have happened
In a long time passed

You search for vengeance,
For recompense
Trying to right all the wrongs
To have it all make sense

There's a consequence
From loving too much
From not loving yourself
Depression, diseases and such

The familiarity
A daunting, yearning abyss
Making the different
So easy to dismiss

To overlook.
The answers are there, in your past
It's up to you to search
And try to create something that will last

After years of living
The same way only to find that you have to change
The way you've been living is unhealthy
But everything else seems strange

And foreign
How do you take what's important,
The relationships you've built
And then learn you have to ignore it?

Because
The way you've been living is wrong
And after a time
The one you loved is gone

Just because you fit
Doesn't make it good
That's the part that's missing
That's so easily misunderstood

You need something
Despite what happened as a child
Find something different
Be daring, be wild

Start chasing
What's good for you
Don't worry about him
And what it is you can do.

Loving too much
Can only bring you down
Stop thinking about their smile
And take a look at your own frown

Think of why
Someone so beautiful
Wouldn't be good enough
And remains miserable

Turn it around
This is your life
Live for yourself,
Forget your strife

Love you
There's no need to take cover
The one who is worth it
Would never consider another

Lift up your chin
And look at the light
The darkness is over
But be prepared to fight

For yourself
And for what you deserve
Your faith will be tested
And it might make you swerve

Never give up
And stop thinking you need to pick up the slack
You've discovered your problem
Now there's no turning back.

I am cold and broken
Lying naked on the floor
Shattered and feeble
Worse off than before

Before you appeared
Like a burst of golden light
Before I knew
How to sleep peacefully through the night

I was content, complacent
Prior to your coming to me
Filling me with hope and wonder
Now I just feel empty

A new scar emerges
On a tattered heart
A pleasant reminder
To stay alone in the dark

To not let yourself feel
Not allow yourself to get hurt
Relationships and emotions--
Nothing will ever work

Fight to the death
To keep up your walls
No matter who tries
No matter who calls

Stay inside yourself
Where you're safe and warm
Where you know how to be
And protect yourself from harm

Never again
Do you want to feel like this
Cold and shattered
A sick, rapturous bliss

You're a *******
An odd desire for pain
You do this to yourself
Over and over again

You tell yourself convincingly
"It will be different than before"
That nasty little lie
That brings you to the floor

To be left quivering and broken
Completely alone
Until you open your eyes
And welcome yourself home.

I keep them there to remind me that it was real
To assure myself I'm not crazy for the way I feel

The screen taken out, the window ajar,
Whispers of sweet nothings drifting from a far

They tickle my ears and worm their way in
Making me want to act on my thoughts of sin

My head and my heart say the same thing, for once they coincide
But it's not enough to keep you out although I know you lied.

I trusted you whole heartedly, gave you everything I could
You took the pieces of my heart and ran, just like I knew you would.

I'm left barren and hollow with checkered pajamas bundled on the floor,
Wishing you'd come back and love me like you did before,

Back when you meant everything you said,
Back when I didn't have to question and would welcome you to my bed.

A time not long ago, but it seems so far away;
Two years ago when my heart was full and not in disarray.

Now here I sit staring at those stupid pants,
Waiting for you to give me a glance,

Just a peek, maybe, into your mind
To see exactly what feelings you've been able to leave behind

In a place filled with smiles, laughs, and a home;
In a time when both of us didn't feel so broken and alone.

Welcome to my magic show
Where only the brave dare to go;
Beyond the depths of reality
Hidden under lock and key.

There's not rabbit in a hat, no graceful dove,
Just an angel with broken wings, fallen from above.
There's no illusion, no trick of scorn;
Only a lonely girl, tattered and torn

Welcome to the freakshow, look through the glass.
She cowers in fear, gazing at the points and laughs.
They mock, they tease,
They bring her to her knees.

With a desperate plea she lifts her eyes
And everyone sees she's a devil in disguise.
The confusion is evident on every face
This girl has a side that caused her to fall from grace.

Assumptions are made, a decision reached
Everyone with an opinion they morbidly preached
The girl lifts her hands in absolute fear
And in a flash of smoke she disappeared.

I hope you enjoyed the show
Where she went, you may never know.

Look in the mirror. What do you see?
Unconventional beauty, isn't that right?
Everybody sees differently
But imperfection is not an ugly sight.

You look at yourself and wish that you were blind
Counting the flaws and things you could change
You're listening to the voices in your mind
Telling you that you look silly or strange

You wish you were someone people consider beautiful
But looks only go skin deep.
If you want true beauty, look into the soul
That's where things are so trivial and cheap.

Inside yourself is where the true glamour lies
Stirring, growing, inviting them in
Shining out through your eyes
Windows to a heart that's spread so paper thin

Wanting to fix, yearning to please
Make everyone happy and smile
She hides it well and succeeds with ease
But dark thoughts have been there for a while.

I'm not good enough
No one will ever love me
Anyone calls you pretty, call their bluff
They need glasses if they can't see

Exactly what you do when you look in that mirror
The moles, the rolls, the unwanted hair
All the imperfections couldn't be clearer
And you wish that you weren't there...

But you were made this way
Vision is not what people are all about
The beauty within is what you display
And that will make you gorgeous inside and out

Imperfection is not any ugly sight
And ignorance is not blissful.
Broadcast your heart, let it take flight
Never let anyone make you feel unbeautiful

It's only skin deep
And it all fades with time
Youth and grace you cannot keep
Death is a surely sign

Of how beautiful you were by all the people around
Who stand by your side
Even after you're in the ground
People need a lesson, some sort of guide

Attractiveness is in the eyes of the beholder
And once you learn you can't please everyone
Your feelings and thoughts won't smolder
Your judgement and make you want to run

Away from happiness and love
And from believing
That you aren't good enough
Because everyone is someone worth seeing.

Less Than Perfect

It's amazing how well things work out
How we all go through life without a doubt
That things will happen the way we want them to--
Too bad it didn't end up that way for you.

Always complaining about things you couldn't control
A growth, a height, some ill placed mole,
A deformity, a disease, a defect
Terrorizing anyone who was less than perfect

Looking around at your flawed family,
Your children were heavy, your sister-in-law had epilepsy.
You had to do something to get away--something direct
To strive to find what you wanted: perfect.

You finally found her, a woman so fantastic
Only to find out now she's become epileptic.
I wonder if you feel bad now, in retrospect
For judging people who're less than perfect?

I've clawed my way up
Dug myself out
Rising above
Because that's what it's about.

So many twists
And so many turns
Life is what you make it
You get what you earn

Paths can be taken
Roads can be avoided
Choices will be made
And mistakes exploited

If you go all in
Be prepared for all out
Prepare for battle
And struggles with doubt

What if's and could be's
Are destroyers of life
And what you cling to
In moments of strife

Where do you go
When the rungs of your ladder break?
Do you fight to continue
Or give up what's at stake?

Where there's a will there's a way
There's no such thing as luck
Better think of a way
To get yourself unstuck

Think around the problem
Try to climb but fall
Close your eyes and relax
And listen to their call

There's nothing but light
And a deafening sound again
They tell you you're alright
And medicate the pain

But something more is going on
Something no one can fix
They think it's an excuse,
An old dog learning new tricks

No one can explain
Or pinpoint what's wrong
There's no comfort or escape
Just the murderous melody of a song

A destructive tune
That constantly plays
Growing and taunting
A little more each day

"You tried and you failed"
The evil notes jest
"You can't make it
Even if you try your best"

The voices sing on
Like a chorus in your head
Causing you to shrivel
And wish you were dead

The what if's and could be's
Come back and linger
And you can't ask for help
No one would lift a finger

Exhausted and exposed
You sit in the dark
Playing with pills
From thoughts previously sparked

Tired of thinking
You want your mind at rest
You try to fight but fail
Even though you try your best...

There's a spark in the darkness,
A faint glimmer of hope,
Someone to dull the ache
So you know you're not alone.

A moonbeam, silver streak of light,
Bursting through the black
To ease the troubled mind,
Kindling your heart until your faith comes back.

The warmth spreads
Like waves across the sand,
Lingering like fog
Inches above the land,

But nothing in pitch can last.

The distant glow,
The perfect summer night
Grow dimmer and fade
Keeping just out of sight.

You strain to see
The light in the dark,
The burning sensation
That tears you apart

The semblance of joy,
Of something exciting and new
Temporary at best
Like a shooting star, a lovely view.

Here one moment,
Gone the next,
A flash of light
Swallowed by the swirling vortex;

A dank void, a gaping mess,
Clinging to what might have been,
Filled with hope and restlessness
Waiting for the match to be lit again.

Start with a clean slate; erase the past
Don’t try to wonder how a person’s mind can change so fast.
Forgive what they’ve done, but never forget
And don’t make them feel like they are in your debt.

Close your eyes and remember the time you had
The times you smiled and laughed—before it went bad.
Forgive, don’t forget, how much you hurt
When they left you alone in the dirt

Think how hard it was to close those wounds,
Sealed with the tears spilled by the boy who made you swoon.
Forgive, don’t forget, that when you looked at the stars
Was the time he drew the knife that created those scars

The ones you bury deep within your head
That grow more profound with every new tear you shed.
There are fresh scars now, even deeper than the first
I think knowing I was wrong is what hurts the worst

I forgave but cannot forget all the feelings that arise
When his arms are around me and I’m looking into his eyes
I cannot forget because he is all that’s on my mind
But he doesn’t think twice as he leaves me behind

To watch him go with such remorse
That he won’t let me share his course;
So, I’ll try to let him go, to let him live
And hope he realizes someday that he has nothing to forgive…
Only something to forget.

"Can I have this dance?"
I take your hand and follow you to the dance floor.
We begin. Moving gracefully at first,
Every twist and turn comes with ease.
A turn and suddenly, a misstep.
I turn back to you, confused.
We're on the same dance floor, only now I can't hear the music.
But you can.
I try to lock eyes with you, attempting to feel your next moves.
But you aren't looking at me, and your hands feel like air in mine.
I am completely at your mercy.
I plead with my eyes to make you understand that I'm lost.
I ask for clarity, but the words get lost between my lips.
You push and pull me from side to side,
No warning, no clue as to where I'll go next.
In between dips and turns, we go back to a simple pattern.
Flawless, fluid, in sync.
Then the music changes and you adjust
I stumble and feel your arms steady me, then spin me around.
My head pounds from the whiplash.
Now we're clumsy, awkward, disjunct.
I look up to see an empty dance floor.
With you still leading me through a blind dance.
I go along with the back and forth, the fluid and clumsy.
Because what can I do on an endless floor with no music and no direction.

I look around and all I see
Are people drenched in ignorance and idiocy
Yet all of them are better than me

In some way, shape, or form
It's probably better to stick to the norm,
The mold from which society was born

It's a safer way to live, easier way to sleep
Following the herd like a flock of sheep
life will never seem too steep

If you lock up your heart, toss away the key
Never expect a man to get down on one knee
For it will never happen to she

Who speaks her mind, goes against the grain
Gentlemen will never have anything to gain
She will be left in the pouring rain

To fin for herself
Something to forget on the top shelf
No one cares about the wealth

Of a person's soul, or what they have to lose
My heart is sick and tired of this abuse
So, get out of my head and find someone else to use

The voices in my head screaming, begging for release.
The pain, the heartache never seems to cease.

Lying awake on lonely, sleepless nights,
Counting all the wrongs in my mind, there are too few rights.

When all you want is to be cherished,
People interfere, all thoughts of hope perish,

Leaving you bleeding, broken--shattered,
The pieces of my heart cannot be put together--they're scattered

In a secret hiding place where only I can go,
A special place where no one has to know

Who I am or what I do,
This paradise is a dream come true.

My solace comes when my eyes drift closed,
This happiness isn't fake or posed.

It's in this place where I can rest in peace,
Never letting go of the secrets I keep.

Dressed up with nowhere to go,
A bad feeling in your stomach, your heart sinking low
Waiting patiently for the phone to ring
With the name of the boy who makes your heart sing
Only to find that the call would never come though,
Would never reach your ears--if only he knew...
Knew how much it hurts,
How long the pain lurks
In the shadows of your heart, in the depths of your soul,
Driving you down even deeper into a hole
That you dug, full of sorrow and doubt
Terrified of losing something you can't imagine life without.
Even though it seems lopsided and unreal
And you know **** well that there's so much more YOU feel...
When he treats you like this,
Forgets you exist,
It's hard to believe there's anything there at all...
So, I'll lay back and let myself fall,
Spiraling down, watching your sweet face disappear into a cloud...
The silence of your heart never seemed so loud.
But I'll keep straining, listening
With my positivie thinking
And maybe one day you'll be able to save me from sinking...

It was fun while it lasted
But there will never be more
Happiness is on the way
This is just a detour,

A roundabout way
To go through life,
Trial and error
Struggle and strife

You make mistakes,
Sometimes more than twice
You shun words of wisdom
And heed no advice.

Between your heart and your mind,
You know best what to chose
You move on impulse
Because you have nothing to lose

In the heat of the moment
The passion is there
But when the time passes
You're lonely and bare

Cold and defeated
Grasping for what's real
You find it in your heart
And allow it to heal

But reslestness creeps back
Into the depths of your soul
Like a ****** to a rush
Or a stipper to a pole

You slip back, relapse
You're so tired of being good
If only there was someway
To not be misunderstood

He appears but he's taken
You almost don't care
You've always followed rules
And done what was fair

What goes around comes around
You get what you give
But being pushed around
Is no way to live

Whatever the choice
You have to live with yourself
You can't run away
Or place guilt on a shelf

There's something missing
You just don't know what
Lock up your heart
And staple it shut.

Don't open up,
No one can get in
Continue to live your life
Riddled with sin

Nothing ventured,
Nothing gained
Everything lost
After you've strained

Nice girls finish last
Because they abide by rules
Kindness used against them,
Treated like fools

It doesn't matter
How a heart breaks
The winner takes it all
Whatever the stakes

The loser huddles
In the shadow of the victor
Battered and bruised
You couldn't feel sicker.

Life isn't all about
Take what you can get
Think of the cost
And what you'll live to regret

There's a price
For everything we say and do
Why not be honest
And do what's true to you.

Try to be nice
Try to be kind
Because in the end
There's one thing you'll find;

Relationships are key,
No matter how frayed
Hold loved ones close
Don't wish they had stayed

Say what's on your mind
Never hold back
Love with all your heart
And you'll get back on track

If you detour,
Don't stray for long
That path is for the weak
And you are far too strong.

Don't give up
And never give in
In the long run,
It is you who will win

With no regrets
And no remose
Your feet will swiftly
Follow the course

Of the life that has been
Given to you
And although you bite off
More than you can chew

Close your eyes
And walk by faith
And remind yourself
It's never too late

To right any wrongs
To do what's right
If you never see darkness,
You'll never know light

Lift up your head,
Stand tall and proud
Lufet up your voice
And sing  out loud

Life is what you make it,
So dance in the sun
And soon you will discover
That you have won.

You Don't Understand....

You don’t see what everyone else can see
You don’t know how dear you are to me

Changes you’ve gone through put aches in my heart
But you don’t know how much that’s set us apart

You like to think no one is on your side
And you make it hard for those of us just along for the ride

Everyone only wants what’s best for you,
They want all of your wildest dreams to come true

Of course you don’t see what all of us are saying,
You just keep getting farther while the rest of us are paying

Sorrow and grief beyond belief
By what you have become due to a rotten thief

Who’s stolen the smart, beautiful women we knew
Into someone it sort of hurts to look to

We know who you are and what you can do
All of us are rooting for you…

Except for the thief who comes in the night
Twisting our words to make his seem right

And being the good person we know
You follow him and let him tow

You along down this narrow street
Constantly staring at your feet

Oblivious to people you trust and love
Oblivious to messages sent from above

The thief takes what he wants and laughs in our face
While the rest of us struggle just to keep pace

We reach for the girl we used to know…
But she has been seized by the undertow

In the thief’s domain is where she resides
Relaxing and caring for nothing besides

He who has changed her into what she is now
Someone I can hardly stand to be around

Long ago but not very far,
I had a lover who gave me this scar
It runs from my shoulder down to my wrist,
Curving at the elbow with a sick little twist
The blood flowed but the cut was not deep.
This mark of shame is one I must keep,
For the reason he struck--he had opened the door
To catch me with a lover I loved much more

Fade away slowly without a trace,
Close your eyes to find a happier place

A place where you don't have to hide,
A paradise so lovely, buried deep inside

Home of your heart where nothing could be more true
Where you have a chance to try on a new shoe

Just to see how it fits for a bit
Until you wander back to the growing pit

The void that is your world, something like Hell,
The abyss that makes you long for your shell

The solace you create behind closed doors
The imaginary pink and purple sky with golden sea shores

A place you long for in your dreams,
Slipping through your fingers and bursting at the seams

Clinging to a false hope that not everyone is the same,
Enough to break your heart, to make you go insane

Especially when you realize you're the only one who's different,
Floating alone on an island so distant

From everyone and anyone you believed to be close
That end up forgetting you, treating you like a ghost

I'm struggling across the span,
To bridge the gap but I don't think I can

How can something be fixed when no one thinks it's broken?
I'll take my lonely island and leave you with a token;

A semblance of life beyond the reality,
A life that I pray the world will one day see...

I broke myself completely in half
Making a fool while you sat back and laughed
At all the things I said and did
Now the picture of your sweet face is contorted.
I thought I could help you,
Make you feel something other than numb
I thought I saw your potential,
How could I have been so dumb?
To let you pull me, string me along
While in the background all I hear are depressing love songs
That lay out exactly what you would do
To me and anyone else who tried to pull you through
The darkness in your heart
And the mean in your soul,
I need to learn that sometimes even I can’t reach my goal.
I gave you everything,
Gave you my all
While you pushed me and watched me fall
And knowing that every word you said was fake,
Now I’m cold, broken, alone, and feeble
But make no mistake,
The broken pieces of my heart could fit through the eye of a needle.[1]


[1] A Knight’s Tale

Let's start out together, just you and me
Side by side we'll be as happy as can be

In the begining there's no need for fear
Because if you have any doubts he'll always be near.

But as time goes by, things begin to change
Moments between you become awkward and strange

The distance of his heart becomes greater
He never makes time for you--you always come later.

You cling to hope because you can't let go
There has to be a way to let him know

That  you've never felt this way;
Never wanted to be with someone everyday

Never feel like yourself when he's not around
Never thought anyone else's voice was the most beautiful sound...

But if his feelings don't match your own
There's no way that you won't end up alone

Because he's the one--you know in your heart that it's true
But for him there's someone else, someone not at all like you;

Someone who can be exactly what he needs,
Someone he looks at and actually sees

And you'll have to try and live your life
Try to wish them well while you're burried in strife

Knowing you lost the best thing your heart ever knew,
The man that no one else will ever compare to.

Now you see it,
Now you don't.
You can try to get inside
But accept the fact you won't.

My heart is hiding
Where only a select few can see
The people I grow to love
And who can endure the real me

She's behind four walls,
Safe under lock and key
Tending to all her wounds,
Burried under miles of secrecy.

The light burns her
To remind her why she's there
With tired, crimson eyes
And years of pent up despair

Because even a glimpse,
Just the tiniest peek
Makes people tune her out
And turn the other cheek

For no one can deal with
Problems that aren't their own
No one extends a hand to help;
There's no love, no compassion shown.

Hidden behind a smile
My scarred heart will stay
Living in fear when someone
Might try and take her away

From her beloved sanctuary
Just to cause her more pain
When the truth is revealed
That no one can give without gain.

Retreating alone to lick her wounds,
My heart will remain behind a closed door
Mending what's been broken
So many times before

Waiting patiently day and night
Until her tears run dry
Hiding until she has the chance
To break free, spread her wings, and fly...

Walk on eggshells,
Don't let them crack;
After all that's happened
How can we get back...
****** if I do,
****** if I don't
Terrified of wasted time
And fake feelings shown
I don't understand
What's different from before
We're still there everyday
Only now there's eggshells on the floor.
Tip toe around,
Careful what you say,
Don't want to make a slip
And have him push you away.
Everything is there still:
Feelings, attraction, ease;
Laughs, jokes, playful remarks,
And the way we tease.
Lingering gazes,
The desire to touch,
Although you're right there,
I still miss you so much...
You're there in front of me
But you stay just out of reach
Mesmerizing with kindness
And essays of sweet speech.
He loves me,
He loves me not
Maybe disappointment
Is the thing I bought
Wandering around
Shattered shells beneath my feet
Hoping you'll make a decision
And in the end we'll meet
A pedicure of blood,
My heart black and blue
Clinging onto faith
Because I believe in you.
You keep me complacent
Or just keep me around
Until you're more comfortable
Letting me down.

Ten fingers
Ten toes
Two eyes
One nose

Smiley, bouncy
Baby girl
And a mother who becomes
Her entire world

Scraped knees
Tear stained eyes
All disappear
With momma's lullabies

Her soft voice
Make problems go away
Through thick and thin
She's always here to stay

Heartfelt and selfless
She rights every wrong
I'm so thankful there's a place
In her heart where I belong

There's no one on Earth
I admire more
No one I look up to
And simply adore

No one I feel more blessed to know
Inside and out
No one as important
That I love beyond doubt

A woman so lovely
Gentle and calm
A women I can't be more grateful
To be able to call my mom.

What is life but a downward plight
Struggling to find your way and do what's right
Working hard to pay for your needs
While listening to other cries and pleas.
For a life of tedium is not a life worth living
The world is corrupt and less people are willing
To help their fellow man, give the shirt off their back
Conviction, these days, is what humans lack.
The ignored cries for help while the majority weep
It's no wonder none of us are able to sleep;
Dealing with our mundane, uninteresting existence
While the demand for more of us becomes most persistent
Until all you can do is relax and cry
While the universe continues to bleed you dry
And what is left of you but a token?
Gone in due time with the words you left unspoken

Bare feet against cold sheets
Counting mistakes and reasons why I can't sleep
Tossing and turning, pressing pillow against cheek
The future is a mountain with no peak.
The night is pitch, dark and deep
Mocking me, teasing me, causing me to weep
Faces appear from my past,
Some long forgotten, some struggling to last
They circle around and around my head,
Their ruckus taunts making me wish I were dead.
"Remember, remember!" They chant.
I don't want to recall. As a matter of fact, I can't
To go back would be dangerous to all,
Cling to your faith, don't let yourself fall
Back into the dusk, into the cave
Your soul is the only one you can save
Nighttime madness with feet naked and bare
Sheets cold and lonely with nobody there
To hold you and tell you things will be alright
Or to supress the dark thoughts that haunt you at night.
Close your eyes, let the music drown out the sound
And remember you're the only one who will always be around.

I wonder: Will there ever be a day
When I'll wake up and be okay

A day when I'll want to get out of bed,
A day when I'll be able to forget everything you said.

For now when I wake,
The only thing I feel is a hollow ache...

Deep in my heart where I keep your memory
Blinding my judgement making it impossible to see

The people around, the people I could meet
Because I'm just too busy staring at my feet

Thinking of you, and everything you are
Thinking of how to hide the scar

That you created, deep within my core
My red, tear-stained eyes become tired and sore

Because you are all that's on my mind.
Perhaps I'll stay trapped in this time

Day after day, hoping that someday
I just might be okay.

She lays on her back
His lips writing a one way ticket
Out of hell, but only for a few minutes
She puts on her make up
And her big smile
For a moment, nothing's wrong.
She throws another shot back
There's  too many to keep track
She doesn't want to remember
She makes mistake after mistake after mistake
Conscious and deliberate
Because she's desperate to fix it.
She stares at his pictures
With tears flooding her eyes
She grabs her phone,
She has to give him one more try
She waits and she wonders
How could this be goodbye?
She burns his pictures
Deletes his number
She doesn't want to remember
She makes mistake after mistake after mistake
Conscious and deliberate
Because she's desperate to fix it.
She's dangerous, reckless
Doing things she knows are wrong
She's hurt and she's broken
How can he not come around?
She gets lost in the *****
And all the guys who abuse
Because she's desperate to fix it.
She doesn't want to remember
She makes mistake after mistake after mistake
Conscious and deliberate
Because she's desperate to fix it.

Standing on the edge
Caught between who I was and who I am.
One step forward,
Two steps back,
Struggling to keep my head above water
Or cower in their arms, it's like an addict to smack.
Anything better than feeling alone, right?
Twisting and spiraling down a dark, dangerous plight.
Foot holds smothered in vaseline,
I can't even catch myself.
Follow the light--step forward,
Or hide in the comfort of the past
Two steps back, for those of you keeping track.
A place I swore I'd never return to
It keeps itself wrapped in pretty shades of blue.
Beckoning and calling me away from you.
You are the step forward
They are two steps back
But you stay just out of reach,
A beautiful illusion of where I want to be.
Stuck in limbo with nothing to do
Stuck between which me is really who.

Take a look at this artery.
It's an endless black hole,
There's no more love to give,
That's been paid in full.

Keep on scavenging.
Search for what's left
I'd like some back, too;
Recover some of the theft

Bit by bit
I was broken apart
Little by little
Giving pieces of my heart

To friends and others,
To people in need
They take what they can
And leave me to bleed.

Behind all the smiles,
The flowers, the butterflies
Hides a trembling figure.
No one cares if she dies

Because no one sees her,
The girl who's not so easily bought,
The one who has been beaten
By the girl with the hopeful thought

The happy me
The one everyone loves
Because the hidden one
Could never be enough.

But low and behold
The other is also true,
The one that you see,
She's inadequate, too.

Always discarded,
Lied to, betrayed
Left alone again
And more than a tad frayed

What can I do
To make someone want to stay
I offer everything I have
And give it all away

Because my happiness
Comes from seeing you smile
Even though it's temporary
And I only see it for a little while

'Cause once you've milked me
For all I'm worth,
You leave me behind
To become one with the earth

You move on.
I'm alone and forgotten
Feeling so small,
Unimportant and rotten

Time spent
Seems to mean nothing now
People don't value others
And I can't understand how.

Try as I might
It's a concept I cannot conceive
I have so much hope
And faith to believe

That someday my kindness and time
Will not be in vain
That I can come out of hiding
And reveal the pain

And no one will run
Or scream at the site,
They will hold me
And whisper "Everything is alright;

You're broken,
In need of healing.
Thank you for trusting me
And being so revealing."

Kisses on my forehead,
Strokes across my hair,
Little caresses against my hand
Just to remind they're there

I've been so long without
That the softest touch
And a few kind words
Seem to mean so much

It's terrifying, really
Being vulnerable this way
But I can't apologize
Because I have nothing more to say.

Teardrops are a lullaby
Singing me to sleep
But this broken heart is nothing
Compared to promises you can't keep.
It's like a steady march
To a death toll
As sorrow sets in
And consumes my soul
It eats away at me
From the inside out
Starting at my heart,
Then taking the easy rout;
Moving on its way,
Coursing through my veins
Like acid in my blood,
There is no worse pain.
I cover my mouth
To try and conceal
Ashamed at all of this
And exactly how I feel.
How could I have done this?
How could this happen?
I gave my all and once again
I am found lacking.
****** if you do,
More so if you don't
I'm trying to keep my head above water,
Just to stay afloat.
Throw me a lifeline,
Just something to hold on to
Show me there's a reason
That I haven't given up on you...

Tear drops fall like rain
Contort your face, mask the pain
Silly of you to let your guard down
For a boy from out of town

Hours slide, days pass by
Heart on the sleeve, no reason to lie
To the boy who thinks you're a saint
Who makes your head spin and your heart faint

You took things a little too far
And you don't know how to handle this scar.
Patch it up and continue as if nothing's wrong.
But how can you when you've been kidding yourself for so long?

You saw something that was never there at all
And let yourself spiral into a deadly free fall
No harness, no safety net to speak of
Just waves and shouts from above

What's the matter, silly girl?
You're not for diamond or pearl,
Or did you forget?
You can't complain or regret

Now you know where you stand
All alone, fragile vessel in hand
But you should have known from the start
Looked the other way, and locked up your heart

Maybe it was true and he changed his mind
He knows where you are, so you're left behind
With a million questions and no reasons why
Just red eyes and wet cheeks to dry

Maybe you were right from the beginning
Born to lose, not destined for winning
All the fantasies you fabricate
All along knowing you're inadequate

Misread signals and signs
Twisting and turning all this time
So much for solace and hope
You just feel embarrassed, a big joke

Nothing can be the same
Now you're bared and shamed
But how can you turn your back
When it's your fault for the things you lack?

Silly girl, go back where you belong
Alone in the dark humming a soft song
To comfort yourself and fill the void
With something besides the deafening white noise

Close yourself up, lock up tight;
Sing and hum with all your might
Next time don't read, you'll only go blind
Stay tucked away in the recess of your mind.

Back to where I began
Part of rock bottom was never the plan
Sleeping with distractions to end night terrors
Making love when there's no love there
What does one expect when I'm broken and torn?
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
You made me believe lies so many
But they didn't lie when they said misery loves company.
I hope you wake up years from now
And realize that you missed out.
I'm not mad that it's over, just mad how it ended
After all I went through and your flaws that I defended.
There's nothing worse than looking like a fool
And now I'm sick and tired of following the rules.
I'm standing up, finally not lying down
I can't wait to laugh and see you frown.
But when I'm alone, the truth can't hide,
My actions and my heart don't coincide.
Congratulations, you finally broke me
And forced me to act a way I never wanted to be
I'm just at a loss, I don't know what to do
All I know is I'm so disappointed in you
And in myself for believing your lies
And becoming something I know I'll despise.

Sleep paralysis.
That's the best way I can describe it.
You can't move.
And you want to call out,
But you're stunned.
Stunned because you never knew it could happen to you.
Not with him. None of them.
It doesn't make sense that someone could be so heartless,
How someone can hear you say "no, I don't want to," or "please stop," and see you move away, or try to fend them off and not care.
You can't move because they're bigger and stronger.
You can't scream because nobody would hear you
And you don't want to give them the satisfaction.
But inside your head, glass shatters from the sheer volume.
You struggle a bit more,
But when you realize it's pointless and your movements give him encouragment,
You lie still and wait.
You lie still and wish yourself far away.
And when he releases you, it takes you a moment to understand that it's over,
You're free.
In that moment, you've never felt so small, so fragile. So broken.
You pick yourself up, pick up your clothing and they always act like everything is fine.
Like they didn't just shatter your world.
They make you feel like you're crazy, wrong for the way that you feel.
You put yourself in that situation, you could have avoided it.
Even though you said "no."
That doesn't seem to matter.
Sleep paralysis while you're not sleeping is a different kind of hell I hope you never experience.

This mind of mine
Cannot be tamed
I can't have you look at me,
I'm too ashamed

Of who I am
And what I've done
There's no solace,
Only a ****** of one

It'll be alright,
No one will miss her for long
After all,
Everything about her was wrong.

The me I used to be,
She's going to disappear
With all this torment around her,
She can't survive here.

She's too forgiving,
Far too naive
She can't seem to grasp
That people hide tricks up their sleeve

Not everyone
Means what they say
Or say what they mean
It's all for gain, at the end of the day

It doesn't matter
Who they hurt
With kind words
And some harmless flirt

Until the end
Words are all they were
And in the end
The actions are what broke her

That make her shy away
And build a massive wall
So high and fortified
No one can get in at all

She wants to allow it,
To let them back in
But the damage is done
There's nowhere to begin

Trust them--
You aren't as important as you seem
Stop chasing your
Silly semblance of a day dream.

Ignorance is not bliss
This scarred heart goes to show
That you will be at peace
When there's nothing more to know.

I have two hands.
My right hand resembles my past;
My past thought processes
Insults and compliments paid to me.
Friends,
Lovers,
Liars,
Cheaters,
Rapists.
My left hand resembles my future;
My future thought processes,
Ambitions,
Friends,
Lovers,
My actions and reactions to insults and compliments
The lines on this hand act as guides
They pave the way to the future self I want to be
The lines on my other hand act as scars,
Calloused reminders of memories best left forgotten,
Traces of every bad thought of myself etched into my skin.
My hands are 25 years old
They hold everything I am and what I've done,
They will help me shape and mold a future they can grasp.
Bad habits are a ***** to break.
My bad habit has always been hearing insults louder than compliments and then in turn insulting myself
Right hand--past.
That's the thing I know I need to work on and strengthen my mind against.
I need to start thinking good things and hearing the compliments,
Left hand--future.
But...there inlays my problem...
I'm right handed.

Dreams keep me awake
There's no reason, nothing at stake
Just sweet nothings
That I wish meant something

Without this heart in my chest
No hard feelings and emotions to confess
No pain to be felt
No cold reality cards dealt

I could stand tall and strong
Even when everything has gone wrong
Feeling no remorse
And let disaster run its course

With a heart cold as stone
There's no reason to wait by the phone
For a call that won't come
No closure to let you know it's done

Just silence, nothing more
A dead end, a slammed door.
Words left unsaid, moments abandoned
No hardened heart, I'm taken for granted

You say I'm amazing
Amazing for nothing
Because if it's not you it doesn't count
You seem to care, but not the right amount

Things you said hold no merit
You knew, but refused to show it.
What you felt, how it was different
But so easy for me to misinterpret

Hardened heart, ha, I wish
It's soft as ever and easy to squish
Silly and naive
Even after they leave

Always hoping for something better
A romantic notion or a grand gesture
But all I get is--nothing
Absolutely nothing

Silence is deafening loud
Stay high, safe in my cloud
Fetal position, curled in a ball
No more pain, let go of it all.

They're just Z's, Chelsea, it's not a big deal.
But to him they were snowflakes.
They're just brown eyes, nothing special there.
But to him they were beautiful, mesmerizing.
My imperfect body is covered with flaws
But to him it was perfect in every way.
He used to make a song and sing about how much he liked every part of my body, just to see me smile.
You might say: they're just words!
And you'd be right... But didn't they mean something?
Just penguins and lobsters
Just whales laying next to each other at night making noise to let the other one know we're there...
Wasn't it right how our bodies fit together like the jigsaw puzzles I put together
And that you helped me save?
Wasn't it right how we could talk for hours, see each other for days
And still want more?
Wasn't it right how I could fall asleep with my head on your chest and your arms around me
And feel just as safe as I do in my barricade of pillows
If not more so?
Wasn't it right how we made each other so happy we could hardly stand it and we'd settle for "ah!" as a description.
Didn't it matter that I still got butterflies with every kiss and utterance of "I love you"?
Where did it go wrong?
Why could only you see us falling apart?
Why didn't you warn me?
Because didn't it matter that we spent a whole week living together and only argued once?
Isn't it wrong that we can go months without speaking
But not a day goes by that I don't think about you.
Isn't it wrong that I see you in everything.
Everything is wrong.
I lay still at night, a lone whale full of emptiness
Listening to the stillness of the silence
Making noise because I am awake.
But you're not there to answer back.
You're not here.
And that's wrong.
...Right?

A beacon of light,
A semblance of hope
Pitch black you wander,
You search and you *****.

There's a light in the dark
Just up ahead
Ready to help
And make sure you're fed.

Like a parasite
To a host
You steal the light
She becomes a memory, a ghost

Dulling her shine
Until she's a tiny flame
But it's her own fault, right?
No one else is to blame

Because that is her way,
The reason she's here;
To provide light in the dark
And beckon lost ones near

She shows them a way
A different way to go
Gaining nothing in return
No rewards to show.

There's a piece of her
In everyone she's met
They give her scars
So she'll never forget

And she'll keep getting hurt
Probably the same way twice
But lessons must be learned
And others' happiness will suffice

For she is strong
And can rebuild her light
Others aren't so lucky
And live in eternal night

The beacon of hope,
The light within
But don't let her fool you,
She's riddled with sin

She wants to be wanted
To not be so alone
To have someone to confide in,
Someone to call her own.

This man will add to her light
Not take it away
But she can't hide her heart
And patiently wait for the day

Patience is a virtue
But not one she can possess.
Keep letting the wrong ones in
Who couldn't care less.

Let them bring her down
Let them drink from her cup
She'll get back on her feet
And bring herself back up

And, in the end,
She will reach the top
And they'll gaze in wonder
To realize they missed their shot.

There's a knife in my back
Just about skin deep
It's not noticeable
Just harder to sleep

An uncomfortable nag,
An unnerving chill
As the knife cuts deeper
With the intent to ****

There's a smile on the face,
But a scowl on the heart,
A mischievious instinct
To tear me apart

There's not much to say,
Almost nothing you can do
Then you begin to realize
This behavior is nothing new.

It's happened before
Only in a different light
A forgiving nature
But it's not worth the fight.

You fooled me once,
Shame on you
Fool me twice
I didn't want it to be true

It's a terrible feeling
When someone you could trust
Turns the tables
With their own thoughts of lust

You project onto me
Your own mistakes
The ball is in your court
And you know the stakes

The longer you wait
The further I drift
Your conscience is heavy
And needs a lift.

Communication is the key
That unocks the door to the soul
The only way to take something broken
And start to make it whole

When the lying
And deception begin
Anger and frustration arise
And you're determined to win

Do not stoop
To the level of your peers
Be the bigger person
Prove you're wise beyond your years

Learn to let them go
Out of mind, out of sight
Karma will pay them a visit
Then they'll see you're right

What will you do
When they come back?
Do they make your life better
Or is there something they lack?

The integrity, the morals,
The decency, the good
The simple reasonin
To do what they should

Because you value the life
Of another person, a friend
You appreciate the relationship
And you're there til the end

But they still have the knife
And your scar just faded
When they come back
Only freshly jaded

They beg for forgiveness
Yearn to right the wrong
Although forgetting is much easier
Especailly after waiting so long

It's impossible to regain
What you once had
You realize what you're missing
Too bad, so sad.

You let it go
You didn't care
I was disposible
Even though I was always there

It doesn't matter
What you do or say
They will get rid of you
And you'll want them to stay

Don't you fret
They're gone for a reason
They're not meant to weather your storm
Only weather a season

Their time is up
Their season has come and gone
Keep what you've learned
Smile and say "so long"

Lessons learned
If you love something, you set it free
Turn your back and walk away
Clearly this wasn't meant to be.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place
Two steps backwards to try and save face
Torn between sharing,
Being bold and daring
And hiding behind a smile, pretending and not caring.

The latter will eat you alive;
You have to communicate and only the strong will survive.
Take a chance,  say what you need to say.
Don't hold it in one more day
Maybe if he understands you can find a way.

Complain about what doesn't really matter
A nuisance designed simply to flatter
Something you secretly long for
A sentiment you've never felt before
You don't need a lot, just a little bit more

It's the little things that matter the most
No need to bare the soul from coast to coast
A thoughtful gesture, a homemade gift
Would considerably lessen the rift
And cause my restless thoughts to shift

From dark and dreary
To light and cheery
It only takes a moment or two
To create something fun and new
To let me know how you think of me, too.

Mommy used to say
"Just wait. It will get better someday"
But she never knew there was more
Than the life she settled for

Mommy used to say
"It's ok. I'm happy this way"
But she never knew she could run
From the mess that life had spun

Tangled and snared
She never leapt, she never dared
Making the best out of what she had
Ignoring the fact that everything was bad

Fate stepped in and dealt a hand
That severed every rotten strand
To build a new life, to start anew
With an absolutely stunning point of view

I can see the sunset and sunrise
Dancing behind the sparkles in her eyes
With rekindled light and life
Bringing a close to the years of strife.

Now mommy says
"I'm the happiest I've ever been"
It's in her eyes, her voice. "I've never been happier"
And all I can do is smile, because I believe her.

There's a hand on my shoulder
That pulls me back
Behind the scenes
Where no one sees
And she looks just like me

She's watched me closely
Over the years
So when she takes the stage
No one can save me
No one even knows I'm missing

Something is wrong
Something's not right
I've gone to sleep
But some how it's not night.
Everything is wrong

How do I fix this?
The damage is done.
Only I can see
Where she has stepped in
And left me behind

She plays me so well
Even I'm almost convinced
But her actions are wrong
And her confidence is minced
She is broken

Dragging me down
From the ladder I've climbed
Rung by rung
From top to bottom
Because misery loves company.

Sitting in the sidelines
Gagged and bound
Watching myself
Fall from grace
Out of control of my own fate

No fault of my own...
Adenoma was her name
Knowledge allowed me to break my chains
My shadow for a year, removed in a day
The rain cloud above my head has gone away.

But what has been broken
What she made believe
Is something I built
And watched crumble at my feet
That's something that remains

I have overcome
And am standing strong
Good as new and healing fast
Trying to find peices among the debris
And make something new

I am back in control of myself
The way it's meant to be
No one to pull me away when I least expect
Or ruin what I have going for me
It's me in the spotlight. Only me.

Spiraling downward,
Out of control
Chaotic beauty
Trying to find a hold

Keeping it all
Bottled deep inside,
Your heart is a maze
With many places to hide.

Keeping yourself
Just out of reach
Tired of listening
To everybody preach

About what to do
And who to be
Everyone so focused
On what they can see

But hidden inside
Under lock and key
Are all the feelings
He gave to me

Feelings of happiness,
Feelings of love,
Of fitting into someone's arms
Perfectly, like a glove.

And just when I was safe,
He took it away
And left me
Wondering why each day

Why aren't I good enough?
Why can't it be me?
Why doesn't he realize
What everyone else can see?

I sit here alone
Vacant and yearning
For him to return
While his world keeps turning.

I'm stuck in limbo
Unable to move on
It was real to me
Though his feelings were all gone

It's hard to accept,
Harder to believe
That I meant nothing
And that's how he could leave.

But how can someone be
So thoughtless and cruel?
As a person
Follow one rule:

Do unto others
What you want done to you
Maybe he'll change
And become honest and true

But until then
I'll remain alone
Because I deserve more
Than what I've been shown.

I'm doing 90 on the freeway
My hands gripping the steering wheel like a tourniquet
Trying to stop the memories from flowing
By draining the blood from my helping hands

Music blares from the speakers
To drown out your constant drone
Of laughing and good feelings
My ears ring from the echoes of the past

Your face appears, an apparition from a beautiful nightmare that I can't wake up from.
I thrash, I kick,
I daydream about wrecking my car in a desperate attempt to shake you

But you exist everywhere I have ever seen your smile.
It's like a tattoo on my heart
No Q-switched laser can take it away.
I'm branded yours.

I've driven these streets a million times
But they're foreign, plagued by your image.
These towns are haunted by the ghost of you
Constantly tormenting me

Your vision reminds me that, while I grew up here,
This place is not my home.
The strongest walls I've ever had were your arms.
Now that you've left, I'm homeless.

Eyes closed, no light seeps in
Butterflies tip-toe and dance within
The tickle of something against my hand
A small secret, written command.

But it's different when your lips brush against mine
It's gentle and sweet, like a fleeting sign
That this is what I've wanted, imagined for so long
With a kiss like that, what could possibly go wrong?

There's a burst of passion, a rush of light
A companion that chose to stay for the night.
Morning comes and the heat is back
Bodies intertwined to make up for the months of lack

Comfort and need found in each other
But we see differently than one another
You don't want me
And you're the only one I can see.

I knew that when it started;
You want temporary, I want whole-hearted.
That didn't stop the look in your eyes
The one I'll have to later disguise.

I let you in, I'm an open book
While I try to decipher your feelings by how you look
I have a feeling that I feel more
But when I think back on it, I'm not exactly sure

When you're unresponsive and reserved
I can only imagine that my words were unheard
Or maybe you just don't understand?
Maybe next time I'll write a message on your hand

Telling you how it would be
If only you wanted me.
I would be there for you through good and bad
Do anything to make you smile, never want to see you sad

There's something about you that I can't seem to let go
Ever since day one, although that was so long ago.
You always find me, no matter where I am
We seem to fit although you're a lion and I'm a lamb.

I see you for you, I'm here no matter what
I just wish you'd let me in, not slam the door shut;
I'm here to help, not to judge
Nothing you do could possibly smudge

How I feel or what I want
It only hurts when you taunt
Because you know how I feel
And sometimes treat me like I'm not real

Are we friends? Something more?
At times I can't be so sure
That I'm your friend at all
It makes me feel so silly and small

I'm used to giving more and getting less
Because I like to be the cause of happiness
And neglect myself
For the greater good and other's health

But when I feel invisible
Or even disposable
It makes it hard to believe
And makes me expect you to leave

Feeling like you don't matter...
There's nothing better to make you shatter
When someone claims they're your friend
But you don't really know if they are in the end...

Tear stained face
Pressed to the pillowcase,
Silent screams make your body ache.
You feel stupid, it was all a trick
It's enough to make your stomach sick.

I'm not okay
And it's not alright
But what's another sleepless night?
No different than the ones before,
Hiding and mourning behind a closed door.

How does a mind change so fast?
Is it even possible to build something that will last?
One hundred to zero in no time at all
And no arms to catch you when you fall

Love's the deadliest game of Trust there is,
Especially when you just brush their fingertips.
Head over heels you twirl and spin
Up and down, you can't tell, you can't win.

They taunt you with words,
Sweet nothings on tainted lips
They nudge their way into your heart
And tickle your hips

They make you believe,
Make you trust,
Then reduce your being
To ashes and dust.

Called to home,
From where you came
It's almost nice to be back again.
Alone you know where you stand
Take a look at your empty hand...

Forget the warmth,
Forget the glow,
Forget the flutter,
And how your eyes would glow.

Forget the heartbeat
And the comfort it brought
Forget about the kisses
And the solace you sought

Forget and move forward
That's all you can do.
Forget all about them
Like they do to you...

Words were said
But they weren't meant
They were make believe
And more than a little bent

Bedroom eyes
Silly smiles, kissing lips
Tangled limbs
And bare skin beneath fingertips

Rapid heartbeats
Butterflies when we're near
How can you miss me
When I'm standing right here?

I've never been so comfortable
Never felt so close
Never wanted to be around someone
Or minded being exposed

Talking came easy
We were best friends
Fights always resolved
Communication to make ammends

Words went unspoken
Things started to go wrong
Feelings remained hidden
For far too long

What was whole
Now is broken
What was warm
Now seems frozen

We meant the world
To each other
But none of that matters
If he longs for another

Reaching out
But his back is turned
I call out, scream
But he seems unconcerned

None of what we had
Seems to matter anymore
Stop holding on.
Try to close the door.

Try to move on,
Hold your head high
Stifle the hurt,
Don't let them see you cry...

It's like floating on nothing, waiting to fall
Broken wings trying to fly through it all.
Pictures of you go shooting past
Haunting my thoughts, how long does this last?
I thought it was done, that'd you'd just let me go,
But you hold tight, swimming my to and fro.
My arms are broken from stretching myself too thin
You seem so much better off, I should probably just let you win
And go crashing down to the ground
And get lost somewhere I can't be found.

It's 11:11,
Make a wish
For a knight in shining armor
Or a handsome, charming prince

A grand gesture,
A passionate kiss;
A flash of light,
Impossible to miss.

I was too busy searching,
Looking far and wide
Never fully finding it
No matter how hard I tried

I had an idea
And I thought I knew
Exactly what I wanted
And then there was you.

You snuck up behind me
Caught me by surprise,
Turned my world inside out
Now I'm completely mesmerized

In utter awe
Of how this came to be
And still shocked
You could feel the same about me

Gentle and sweet,
No feelings forced
I am at peace
And feel no remorse

Safe and warm,
Wrapped in your embrace,
A fleeting thought of you
Brings a smile to my face

These emotions
Are all brand new
Affectionate touches and kisses
Will take some getting used to

I think about you constantly;
Morning, day, and night
I can only say
"I've finally done something right."

You don't know what you have 'til it's gone
But what if what you had is where you belong?
Nothing has felt the same;
A small lift to your lips when you hear his name.
Countless hours and time invested
Sleepless nights still have you well rested
It was refreshing, a beacon of hope
To test your mind and broaden your scope
Make you realize what's important, what's not
Try your hardest but mess up your shot
Was it you? Was it him?
An internal struggle you will never win.
Drive yourself crazy wondering what's on his mind
Try to make him see what he left behind
Easier to think you don't exist
If words spoken were true, he couldn't resist
The person you are, the person you strive to be
Kind, rational, and gentle--effortlessly
His light in the darkness, he'll even admit
Maybe that's true but he's blinded by it.
Take my hand, let me show you the way
We can get there together, not now but someday.
Play with fire and you're bound to get burned
Blistered fingertips are lessons learned
Third degree, that's what it took
To shake my resolve and really make me look
At what was there and what wasn't
Based on well placed words, well over a dozen
All wraped up in couplets and prose
There's no way everyone else gets those
The words that flow together so well
Trying to tell me something I guess only time can tell

There used to be butterflies
They've been dormant, asleep
Buried under years
Of lies and deceit.
All of a sudden,
They are alive and well;
For better or worse,
It's too early to tell.
Secrets dance behind sparkling eyes
Cheeks heated with passion
Heartfelt giggles
and soft sighs.
Could it be possible?
Is it true?
That there is a connection
Between the two of you.
Just when your hopes are at a high
You take a step back,
Maybe he's not just shy.
Maybe the truth was there all along
Like a gentle whisper
From a faraway song.
You stare at the sky
In the darkness of night
And watch as the butterflies
Take their flight.
Dazed and confused
You wave goodbye
With a million questions
And no answers why.