Take these tears and put them on ice,
Shame on me for letting you fool me twice.
Sweet nothings babbles through the course of time,
Putting my guard down let me believe you were mine.
Happy and laughing, then things changed quick;
"Something is wrong, I need help!" what a trick.
"I need to be alone so I can get by"
Did you really think I wouldn't catch your lie?
Making me worry and hope for the best,
When everything you said meant nothing and you couldn't care less.
All I ever asked for was honesty,
I meant what I said, but you didn't give me that courtesy.
Took what you wanted, you got the best of me
And I was so blinded by you and unable to see
The man behind the mask, the liar and thief
Who stole my heart with every intention to leave.
Spinning lies into beautiful illusions
I ate them up and bought into the delusion.
Giving you the benefit of the doubt
Because the feelings I have I'd gone too long without.
I don't like to give up or walk away,
But this is a game that I don't want to play.
I'm sorry for my wasted time
And all the nice things I said--every line
I'm sorry for my broken heart feeling like an exposed nerve,
But most of all I'm sorry because you're not what I deserve.
You didn't have the decency to tell me the truth,
I guess that's just a sign of your immaturity and youth
Someone better will come along, they'll be honest and nice,
But ****...shame on me for letting you fool me twice.

I am a product of my childhood
As so many of us are
I show every wound
And wear every scar
I've been a dozen people
With so many different faces
If you look close enough,
You can still see the traces.
The many hands
Molded me into the woman you see
Finally in my own skin
And not afraid to be me.
They still linger there
Just beneath the surface
Waiting for a moment
When I am defenseless
They take turns
And react to every situation
Anger, sadness,
Confusion, depression.
I have all these feelings
In my head and heart
All fighting for room
With no real place to start.
A product of my childhood
Where I learn to adapt
And best every circumstance
With my sanity intact
A product of my mistakes
That have left me broken
Abandoned with no answers
And a thousand words unspoken
A product of my relationships
Where it seems impossible to trust
You lay all your cards on the table
And it turns out you bust.
A product of my tears
That stain the pillowcase
Followed by the glowing smile
I've created to save face.
A product of my actions
That seem so careless and free
But behind them I'm screaming
"Look what you've done to me"
A product of my silence
And all the things I've never said
A solace I've created
To combat the chaos in my head.

You're playing tug of war with my heartstrings
And the cords are wearing thin
When I am with you my heart grows wings,
But this is the hardest place I've ever been.

One moment everything is right side up
The next it's all upside down
Some days I'm beautiful without makeup,
And others I'm the clown.

I am not made of glass, I was created in stone
I won't shatter, but I can break
Glued back together one too many times so the crack aren't shown.
I can't let you see the broken, so I cover up the ache

Of how much it hurts that you keep me hidden
Because I've done that to myself countless times,
I've never been one to take what isn't given
But I don't want to settle for what I don't deserve sometimes.

I'm constantly being pulled this way and that
My mind is always racing, keeping me wide awake
Caught between standing up for myself or laying down flat.
I feel like there's so much at stake...

From butterflies to footprints,
Long goodbyes to a quick nod
From loud and clear to subtle hints
All while believing this was an act of God

Everything feels backwards, like a time warp through space
I keep trying to find a place to get a grip,
But it's all out of place
And my hands are starting to slip...

Will you stand there and watch me fall
Or hold on tight and let me in?
I think we can make it through it all,
Forever connected by our miracle within.

But how will things turn out?
Something I wish I knew
I have faith that things will come about
The way that they were always meant to.

And everything will be just fine...

She smiles.
It's a genuine thing:
Raises her cheekbones,
Lights up her face and puts a sparkle in her eye.
You smile, too. You feel better.
She knows how to make people feel better.
Even when she's not okay.
Her smile blinds everyone to the pain.
The thing about her is...
She doesn't want the same in return,
She wants your ear.
Your presence.
Your acknowledgment.
Your time.
But you only come around when you're down,
When you need a light in your darkness.
She let's you take whatever brightness you need from her.
Because she doesn't mind.
She can make everyone feel good
Except herself.
Her light is fading fast,
Stolen by thieves in the night
Leaving her shrouded in black
With only a dim glow in sight
She trudges on toward it,
But it goes farther still.
Will she ever make it?
It's too soon to tell.

It's like...
I'm drowning in slow motion.
My eyes are wide open
And everything is glistening
Beautiful.
But I can't enjoy it;
My lungs burn
I can't move.
Paralyzed.
There are people
They're in the water with me
They know I'm there.
I open my mouth
But no one hears.
They can't see
What's happening beneath.
More people enter the water,
My life
And the pool grows deeper
Pushing me further away
From the surface.
Sometimes
Someone will join me
To breathe air into my tires lungs
Because if I die, so does the pool.
Heaven forbid.
On occasion
They place a rock on my chest
Right over my heart
To force me to fight...
But, they forget
I can't move
I...am stuck
Drowning in slow motion
For good.

I have this vision
Everytime I look out my window,
I see you walking toward me.
A wide smile and a twinkle in your eye
But with a blink and a shake of my head,
You're gone.
When I wake up in the morning,
There are a few moments that I think you're next to me, that all of this was just a dream.
But in time the haze wears off and I remember that the dream was you.
In one kiss I could see our whole life;
A house. Babies. Puppies. Endless love. But with a blink, it's gone.
You took a part of me when you left,
A part of me I didn't even know I had.
Now the vision has changed to you showing up unannounced with a speech just for me.
You take me in your arms and I feel like I'm home again.
I have a future again. With you.
But, with a blink of an eye, you're gone.

I've done nothing but follow your lead.
I never asked for anything;
"Let's move in together" you said.
I was shocked and scared
But the more I thought about it,
The more I fell in love with the idea of our family,
With an additional piece of you to mix in.
A three bedroom house, we decided
So the kids could have their space.
I never knew what to expect for us.
You never told me.
In the course of a second the walls of our house came crashing down,
All my planning and ideas turned to ashes
Along with any trust I had in you.
How am I supposed to adjust when I feel like I lost everything on the blink an eye.
You try to lead me where we're going,
But I can't believe you. I won't follow.
You have to build from the foundation.
It's almost like you're holding your hand out, reaching for a high five
And you leave your hand there for so long,
Then, when I finally reach for you, you move away.
So, I stretch.
But I'm wearing myself too thin.
I beg for basic consideration,
To be met by indifference
I beg for affection
To get rejection.
I beg for communication
To get silence.
It hurts that I've let myself fall this far,
When I promised I never would again.
So I'll go if that's what you want.
I'll retreat so far into myself you won't know where to find me.
And then maybe in my indifference, my rejection, and my silence...you'll listen.

You don't get it.
You can't do that.
You can't walk away and then come back and act like you care...
No, I didn't say that you can't be nice or polite,
I'm saying that you can't inquire about my safety every chance you get and offer favors when you're worried about it.
That's far too "boyfriendy"
You can't get jealous
You always wonder why...
It's because you're the one who leaves
Every. Time.
It's like...
We're walking down an old dusty road together, hand in hand
We stop, you turn to me, and walk away.
I watch you leave.
I look around confused and wander in circles.
I finally get my bearings and start down a new path
Then there you are in front of me again
And where else can I go?

He said, "I'm sorry"
He apologized a lot and I never really knew why.
He made me dinner.
"I'm sorry I ruined it," he said
But I was just grateful for his thoughtfulness.
He would apologize repeatedly,
I continued to say that I loved it,
I loved him.
And I meant all of it.
"I'm sorry I didn't respond."
"I'm sorry I over slept,"
"I'm sorry I'm sad,"
It all means "I'm sorry I'm flawed"
Honey, I don't want perfect and I never did.
I wanted you in all of your imperfect glory.
I wanted you've worked all day and smell but I want a hug anyway
I wanted terrible morning breath
I wanted mistakes in the kitchen and to watch horrible movies that make us want time back in our lives.
I wanted everything good, bad, weird, anything as long as it was with you.
"I'm sorry," you said
"I'm sorry I didn't say anything, I thought you were mad."
Honey, I can count on one hand the times I was legitimately mad at you,
Frustrated and a little annoyed were more often than mad.
Maybe I didn't apologize enough for being me
When you apologized too often for being yourself
Just because you always thought you had to.
But honey, you are the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
Despite the tears and the pain, I am happy to have known you.
I wish we could see the world through each other's eyes,
Maybe then you could see that you are the sun in my universe
And I am just spinning around you.
Maybe then I could see everything you see that's wrong with us.
Maybe then I could prove you wrong...
Maybe then we could fit together like we used to,
Like two puzzle pieces cut perfectly to fill each other's hollow spots.
I'm grasping at straws, the hope that someday soon,
Before I fade away, you'll show up at my door
No words would be needed because our eyes would hold all of the love and yearning we've kept just underneath the surface.
And when we finally melt together, the eruption would happen and we would know that we can make it through anything. Everything.
I'm grasping at straws, but they all slip through my fingertips...they fall to the floor among the pieces of my heart.
"I'm sorry," you'll say.
The saddest thing, I think, is how much we miss each other and want each other,
But we stay as far away as possible
Out of confusion,
Out of habit,
Out of comfort,
Out of fear...
And for all of that, I am sorry.

It's the tell tale question:
"what do you want?"
I need no hesitation as a montage enters my head.
I want a phone call saying
"come outside"
I want a face grab and a heated kiss.
I want rocks thrown at my window,
I want a boom box hoisted overhead,
I want a scavenger hunt leading me to you,
I want a letter of explanation,
I want a scheme to surprise me with your presence,
I want a grand gesture,
Or flowers with a confession of love,
Even if you're not good with words.
I want an "I miss you, I miss us."
I want "meet me here" and an "I'll be waiting."
I want a deliberate touch,
A lingering gaze weighted with words you can't say.
I want you to be drawn to me the way that I am drawn to you,
Like two magnets holding together through any obstacle and force trying to keep them apart.
What do I want?
The answer is simple:
Him.

I guess, as usual, it's shame on me
Cataracts blurred my vision but now it's easy to see
You never cared about my feelings at all
You just keep blowing smoke and standing tall
While I'm crumbling beneath the weight of the world,
Trying to deal with this crazy hand I've been hurled.
I feel like I'm holding on to a frayed rope
Clinging to any little bit of hope
That I can see in your words, but barely in your eyes
I pick through each letter, trying to detect lies.
Are the words on your lips and fingertips truly in your heart?
I overthink until I'm sick and it's tearing me apart
I don't think I believe you, I don't know if I can
But everything is backwards, and I don't have a plan.
I feel like I knew you better when we first met
But now you're like a stranger that I don't know yet...
I know I'm holding my arms out, trying to keep you at bay,
I don't know why I bother, when you're a million miles away.
I've laid myself bare, just trying to make you see
But it seems like I'm invisible and you look right through me.
Or you do see, and you choose to ignore
Waiting for something better while I hold open door.
My words of want and need fall on deaf ears,
For you won't stop talking long enough to let the smoke clear
You've been calling the shots while you have your fun,
I've been plucking flower petals, waiting you to be done.
He wants me, he wants me not.
I twist the stems, forming a knot
Tied together just like the rest of our lives,
No time to relax, forced to take things in strides
"You're stuck with me, like glue" you say
I half smile and nod while my thoughts drift away
To an undeniable truth that "glued things" touch.
I've never been good at asking, but I don't think affection is too much.
Holding hands, a hug, a kiss
Things we used to always do, but now we are remiss.
How can we possibly build when we've taken steps back?
No part of this rollercoaster has ever been on track.
It's all spiraling and spinning out of control
All of this whiplash is really taking a toll
On my spirit and on my brain,
Some days I feel like I'm going insane.
I have so much I need to say to you,
I've tried being subtle, but you don't have a clue.
Or, you aren't bothered that my mind is always buzzing
And keep neglecting me, leaving sweet nothings
Like a trail of breadcrumbs on my ears leading me nowhere
Leaving me stranded alone with nothing but a prayer
That one day you'll change your mind
And realize that I'm not easy to find
That this is real, and this is fate
I just hope you don't make your mind up too late...

People keep asking me if I'm okay
And mostly, I am.

But, how am I supposed to be okay
When the only man
Who has the ability to break the spell and hold my heart,
The only other man that makes me smile and aware of my heart beat,
Lives too far away to give me a chance,
And is too wary from his last relationship
To attempt to close the distance between us.

How am I supposed to be okay
When a boy and a girl
Who know each other inside and out
Who learn and grow together for five years
A boy and girl who think the world of each other
Don't end up together.
The boy she thought would be
Her fairy tale ending
Falls in love with someone else
In the fraction of the time that they knew each other
How can I be okay now that she's his wife.
How can I be okay
With losing a best friend, and a part of myself.

How can I be okay
When the man I want to be with
Keeps me at arms length.
He holds me in place,
Sure to steal my focus the moment it might waver from him.
He dangles hope in front of my eyes
Like a hook and I wait with baited breath.
He whispers sweet nothings into my ears
That float into my brain
And my brain does a magic trick that makes mole hills into mountains.
Because in my head
You mean everything you say.
In my head,
You're my new fairy tale
With no ending in sight.

It started with a smile.
A smile and a laugh
Flash from drunken rooftop parties
To a stroll along the beach.
Maybe it was the air between Alabama and Florida,
Sticky sweet like the nectar from magnolias,
Clinging to our bodies like an extra layer of skin,
But I never felt closer than when our hands drifted into one another.
Through the haze of the heat, I've never seen brighter smiles
Than the ones you flashed me while we were walking side by side.
The seagulls, the palm trees, and I saw you shining in the Florida sun
As the waves crashed against your jeans while the rest of the world faded away.
The waves, the sand, and I all saw you watching as we walked along the shoreline.
I saw you watching when you thought I wasn't looking, because I was watching too.
Back in the crisp Michigan air, we're two hours and a world apart,
A hop and a skip I wouldn't mind taking
Just to take our journey beyond southern comfort.

Every day I'm haunted by the ghosts of your past
Constant whispers about how you leave so fast
The way you are so full of deceit,
That all you do is lie, manipulate and cheat.
I plug my ears and just focus on youLetting you show me exactly what is true
Mostly they're right, sometimes they're wrong
But a person can only pretend for so long.
I keep my distance, just in case
You decide to have another take my place
Or try to find something more
So you pack up your things and head for the door.
You try to assure me that's not something you'd do,
But those whispers return and have me searching for some kind of clue
Because what makes me different from the countless before?
When I've fallen and you still ignore
The title you've given to others you've deemed worthy,
But not me yet because apparently it's too early.
A year, a child, a house, a dog. A family, and situations where we both have to bend
I'm still not worthy of being called "girlfriend"
At least, not where it matters the most,
Not good enough to claim, brag about, or boast.
I feel like you're protecting someone else, someone you'd rather be with
I've heard you always entertain more than one person, or is that a myth?
I can't figure out any other reason, because my feelings are at stake.
And the one thing I know you're not is fake.
But why make me wonder and make me feel like a fool
Begging for your affection and... I know there's no set rule...
But I need some reassurance, some sort of definition of us, to feel more secure
To make it less easy for you to walk out of that door

Two halves of a whole picture
But this one is worth a million words
Broken apart by little white lies
Growing into ******* untruths
That's okay, because the big picture is still clear.
Even broken into pieces, I still don't care.
Now it's a puzzle
We all know how much I love those.
And this one will be easy because the pieces fit together perfectly. I've seen it.
Hard at work, day after day
But the harder I try the more I see
The pieces are warped and blurry
The pieces that went together seamlessly
Are mismatched and jagged. None of them fit.
This is one puzzle, one mystery I can't solve.
I hate that.
I don't quit and I don't give up.
But I don't see any other options.
The other half has changed the picture.
I don't belong there anymore.

I have a crush on a boy who works at the grocery store
You might look at me and think I'm too old to have a crush
And you'd be right.
I haven't been so foolish in years.
But here we are.
We talk every day, but it's rarely face to face.
Every once in a while I steal into the grocery store to make sure he's still real.
I always have something funny to stay in case I bump into him
Because, let's face it, sometimes funny is all I have...
I think about the times we have been face to face
Our hot tub together with the warm water surrounding our bodies
As my body surrounded his.
The nap we took when I was wide awake
Falling helplessly, tossing out lines to try and find a foothold in the curve of his smile.
I think about our late night drive to a secluded place
So it felt like we were the only two people in the world,
My lips beneath his...
Seeing him in the grocery store,
Maybe I don't even have funny
Because as I draw nearer to him
I don't say a word.

I'm 131 ideas south of good.
Winding down the lamp lit highway,
The lights sparkling in the dark like the Pearl necklaces you gave me every time we met.
Your lips tasted of coffee, your kiss as warm and as welcome in the Winter air,
But your indifference clings to me like a chilly second skin.
Me longing to mean something is what you find Fault In.
You scrape the surface of me, but there is so much more underneath
Shaking and awaiting your firm yet gentle exploration...
You look, you admire, and you walk away.
I remain motionless until The very Bitter End.

Four heartbeats in one room
But I can only feel three
I strive to nourish and provide,
But who will take care of me?

Home is a four letter word,
A heartbeat and a set of eyes
But the person I have chosen
Often covers his face in disguise.

A safe haven, a place to let down my guard
But I leave my armor on
Because he reminds me constantly
That he would rather be gone.

Five feet in distance, but lightyears apart
I feel like I'm reaching for you
But you don't see me
Or you don't care to

Always wondering: what's wrong now?
Why is he mad?
Can't we just talk thing through?
Maybe then I wouldn't be so sad...

I've tried everything I can think of
To make all of this work
And I feel like you have it made
While I just get hurt.

Beaten down by your words and anger
Day by day
And I feel myself fading
My light and sparkle draining away

Because I pour and pour
All day long
But my cup is empty
And you still say I'm wrong.

There's so much damage
That's already been done
I want this to work
But I also want to run

Away from the darkness
And back to the light...
All you say is you don't care
And won't put up a fight

To save the family
That you prayed for
But this isn't good for them
And there's so much more...

More that we could be
If we BOTH wanted
We just have to be on the same page
And not take each other for granted...

I always feel like I'm last
And that you have someone else
Because you've done it countless times
With no regard to how I felt.

It's been you for me
Since the moment we met
But I can't really be all in
Because you haven't made me feel safe yet.

I'm constantly on guard, on edge
Waiting for the other shoe to fall
To leave me lonely, not just alone
With nothing and no one at all...

A smirk, a head rush, and a heart flutter.
My mind races like the water running past our feet.
How do you make me melt with just one glance?
Maybe it was the romance of it all;
The stars shining, the warm summer breeze, the river, and the stale hint of nicotine mixed with the sweet smell of the water that layed out before us.
You lured me in with that first cigarette kiss, allowing me to dip my toes in before dragging me under.
"I need to make you mine" you said. And you did.
I didn't realize that being yours meant that you belonged to someone-everyone-else.
Anyone but me.
You strike a match to burn my hopes the way your lips and fingertips branded my skin.
"I like you a lot" you whispered, your eyes locked on mine, making me believe you.
But we all know how good you are at blowing smoke.