Four heartbeats in one room
But I can only feel three
I strive to nourish and provide,
But who will take care of me?

Home is a four letter word,
A heartbeat and a set of eyes
But the person I have chosen
Often covers his face in disguise.

A safe haven, a place to let down my guard
But I leave my armor on
Because he reminds me constantly
That he would rather be gone.

Five feet in distance, but lightyears apart
I feel like I'm reaching for you
But you don't see me
Or you don't care to

Always wondering: what's wrong now?
Why is he mad?
Can't we just talk thing through?
Maybe then I wouldn't be so sad...

I've tried everything I can think of
To make all of this work
And I feel like you have it made
While I just get hurt.

Beaten down by your words and anger
Day by day
And I feel myself fading
My light and sparkle draining away

Because I pour and pour
All day long
But my cup is empty
And you still say I'm wrong.

There's so much damage
That's already been done
I want this to work
But I also want to run

Away from the darkness
And back to the light...
All you say is you don't care
And won't put up a fight

To save the family
That you prayed for
But this isn't good for them
And there's so much more...

More that we could be
If we BOTH wanted
We just have to be on the same page
And not take each other for granted...

I always feel like I'm last
And that you have someone else
Because you've done it countless times
With no regard to how I felt.

It's been you for me
Since the moment we met
But I can't really be all in
Because you haven't made me feel safe yet.

I'm constantly on guard, on edge
Waiting for the other shoe to fall
To leave me lonely, not just alone
With nothing and no one at all...

Two halves of a whole picture
But this one is worth a million words
Broken apart by little white lies
Growing into ******* untruths
That's okay, because the big picture is still clear.
Even broken into pieces, I still don't care.
Now it's a puzzle
We all know how much I love those.
And this one will be easy because the pieces fit together perfectly. I've seen it.
Hard at work, day after day
But the harder I try the more I see
The pieces are warped and blurry
The pieces that went together seamlessly
Are mismatched and jagged. None of them fit.
This is one puzzle, one mystery I can't solve.
I hate that.
I don't quit and I don't give up.
But I don't see any other options.
The other half has changed the picture.
I don't belong there anymore.

Every day I'm haunted by the ghosts of your past
Constant whispers about how you leave so fast
The way you are so full of deceit,
That all you do is lie, manipulate and cheat.
I plug my ears and just focus on youLetting you show me exactly what is true
Mostly they're right, sometimes they're wrong
But a person can only pretend for so long.
I keep my distance, just in case
You decide to have another take my place
Or try to find something more
So you pack up your things and head for the door.
You try to assure me that's not something you'd do,
But those whispers return and have me searching for some kind of clue
Because what makes me different from the countless before?
When I've fallen and you still ignore
The title you've given to others you've deemed worthy,
But not me yet because apparently it's too early.
A year, a child, a house, a dog. A family, and situations where we both have to bend
I'm still not worthy of being called "girlfriend"
At least, not where it matters the most,
Not good enough to claim, brag about, or boast.
I feel like you're protecting someone else, someone you'd rather be with
I've heard you always entertain more than one person, or is that a myth?
I can't figure out any other reason, because my feelings are at stake.
And the one thing I know you're not is fake.
But why make me wonder and make me feel like a fool
Begging for your affection and... I know there's no set rule...
But I need some reassurance, some sort of definition of us, to feel more secure
To make it less easy for you to walk out of that door

I've done nothing but follow your lead.
I never asked for anything;
"Let's move in together" you said.
I was shocked and scared
But the more I thought about it,
The more I fell in love with the idea of our family,
With an additional piece of you to mix in.
A three bedroom house, we decided
So the kids could have their space.
I never knew what to expect for us.
You never told me.
In the course of a second the walls of our house came crashing down,
All my planning and ideas turned to ashes
Along with any trust I had in you.
How am I supposed to adjust when I feel like I lost everything on the blink an eye.
You try to lead me where we're going,
But I can't believe you. I won't follow.
You have to build from the foundation.
It's almost like you're holding your hand out, reaching for a high five
And you leave your hand there for so long,
Then, when I finally reach for you, you move away.
So, I stretch.
But I'm wearing myself too thin.
I beg for basic consideration,
To be met by indifference
I beg for affection
To get rejection.
I beg for communication
To get silence.
It hurts that I've let myself fall this far,
When I promised I never would again.
So I'll go if that's what you want.
I'll retreat so far into myself you won't know where to find me.
And then maybe in my indifference, my rejection, and my silence...you'll listen.

I guess, as usual, it's shame on me
Cataracts blurred my vision but now it's easy to see
You never cared about my feelings at all
You just keep blowing smoke and standing tall
While I'm crumbling beneath the weight of the world,
Trying to deal with this crazy hand I've been hurled.
I feel like I'm holding on to a frayed rope
Clinging to any little bit of hope
That I can see in your words, but barely in your eyes
I pick through each letter, trying to detect lies.
Are the words on your lips and fingertips truly in your heart?
I overthink until I'm sick and it's tearing me apart
I don't think I believe you, I don't know if I can
But everything is backwards, and I don't have a plan.
I feel like I knew you better when we first met
But now you're like a stranger that I don't know yet...
I know I'm holding my arms out, trying to keep you at bay,
I don't know why I bother, when you're a million miles away.
I've laid myself bare, just trying to make you see
But it seems like I'm invisible and you look right through me.
Or you do see, and you choose to ignore
Waiting for something better while I hold open door.
My words of want and need fall on deaf ears,
For you won't stop talking long enough to let the smoke clear
You've been calling the shots while you have your fun,
I've been plucking flower petals, waiting you to be done.
He wants me, he wants me not.
I twist the stems, forming a knot
Tied together just like the rest of our lives,
No time to relax, forced to take things in strides
"You're stuck with me, like glue" you say
I half smile and nod while my thoughts drift away
To an undeniable truth that "glued things" touch.
I've never been good at asking, but I don't think affection is too much.
Holding hands, a hug, a kiss
Things we used to always do, but now we are remiss.
How can we possibly build when we've taken steps back?
No part of this rollercoaster has ever been on track.
It's all spiraling and spinning out of control
All of this whiplash is really taking a toll
On my spirit and on my brain,
Some days I feel like I'm going insane.
I have so much I need to say to you,
I've tried being subtle, but you don't have a clue.
Or, you aren't bothered that my mind is always buzzing
And keep neglecting me, leaving sweet nothings
Like a trail of breadcrumbs on my ears leading me nowhere
Leaving me stranded alone with nothing but a prayer
That one day you'll change your mind
And realize that I'm not easy to find
That this is real, and this is fate
I just hope you don't make your mind up too late...

You're playing tug of war with my heartstrings
And the cords are wearing thin
When I am with you my heart grows wings,
But this is the hardest place I've ever been.

One moment everything is right side up
The next it's all upside down
Some days I'm beautiful without makeup,
And others I'm the clown.

I am not made of glass, I was created in stone
I won't shatter, but I can break
Glued back together one too many times so the crack aren't shown.
I can't let you see the broken, so I cover up the ache

Of how much it hurts that you keep me hidden
Because I've done that to myself countless times,
I've never been one to take what isn't given
But I don't want to settle for what I don't deserve sometimes.

I'm constantly being pulled this way and that
My mind is always racing, keeping me wide awake
Caught between standing up for myself or laying down flat.
I feel like there's so much at stake...

From butterflies to footprints,
Long goodbyes to a quick nod
From loud and clear to subtle hints
All while believing this was an act of God

Everything feels backwards, like a time warp through space
I keep trying to find a place to get a grip,
But it's all out of place
And my hands are starting to slip...

Will you stand there and watch me fall
Or hold on tight and let me in?
I think we can make it through it all,
Forever connected by our miracle within.

But how will things turn out?
Something I wish I knew
I have faith that things will come about
The way that they were always meant to.

And everything will be just fine...

"Can I have this dance?"
I take your hand and follow you to the dance floor.
We begin. Moving gracefully at first,
Every twist and turn comes with ease.
A turn and suddenly, a misstep.
I turn back to you, confused.
We're on the same dance floor, only now I can't hear the music.
But you can.
I try to lock eyes with you, attempting to feel your next moves.
But you aren't looking at me, and your hands feel like air in mine.
I am completely at your mercy.
I plead with my eyes to make you understand that I'm lost.
I ask for clarity, but the words get lost between my lips.
You push and pull me from side to side,
No warning, no clue as to where I'll go next.
In between dips and turns, we go back to a simple pattern.
Flawless, fluid, in sync.
Then the music changes and you adjust
I stumble and feel your arms steady me, then spin me around.
My head pounds from the whiplash.
Now we're clumsy, awkward, disjunct.
I look up to see an empty dance floor.
With you still leading me through a blind dance.
I go along with the back and forth, the fluid and clumsy.
Because what can I do on an endless floor with no music and no direction.

I have this vision
Everytime I look out my window,
I see you walking toward me.
A wide smile and a twinkle in your eye
But with a blink and a shake of my head,
You're gone.
When I wake up in the morning,
There are a few moments that I think you're next to me, that all of this was just a dream.
But in time the haze wears off and I remember that the dream was you.
In one kiss I could see our whole life;
A house. Babies. Puppies. Endless love. But with a blink, it's gone.
You took a part of me when you left,
A part of me I didn't even know I had.
Now the vision has changed to you showing up unannounced with a speech just for me.
You take me in your arms and I feel like I'm home again.
I have a future again. With you.
But, with a blink of an eye, you're gone.

A smirk, a head rush, and a heart flutter.
My mind races like the water running past our feet.
How do you make me melt with just one glance?
Maybe it was the romance of it all;
The stars shining, the warm summer breeze, the river, and the stale hint of nicotine mixed with the sweet smell of the water that layed out before us.
You lured me in with that first cigarette kiss, allowing me to dip my toes in before dragging me under.
"I need to make you mine" you said. And you did.
I didn't realize that being yours meant that you belonged to someone-everyone-else.
Anyone but me.
You strike a match to burn my hopes the way your lips and fingertips branded my skin.
"I like you a lot" you whispered, your eyes locked on mine, making me believe you.
But we all know how good you are at blowing smoke.

I'm 131 ideas south of good.
Winding down the lamp lit highway,
The lights sparkling in the dark like the Pearl necklaces you gave me every time we met.
Your lips tasted of coffee, your kiss as warm and as welcome in the Winter air,
But your indifference clings to me like a chilly second skin.
Me longing to mean something is what you find Fault In.
You scrape the surface of me, but there is so much more underneath
Shaking and awaiting your firm yet gentle exploration...
You look, you admire, and you walk away.
I remain motionless until The very Bitter End.

I have a crush on a boy who works at the grocery store
You might look at me and think I'm too old to have a crush
And you'd be right.
I haven't been so foolish in years.
But here we are.
We talk every day, but it's rarely face to face.
Every once in a while I steal into the grocery store to make sure he's still real.
I always have something funny to stay in case I bump into him
Because, let's face it, sometimes funny is all I have...
I think about the times we have been face to face
Our hot tub together with the warm water surrounding our bodies
As my body surrounded his.
The nap we took when I was wide awake
Falling helplessly, tossing out lines to try and find a foothold in the curve of his smile.
I think about our late night drive to a secluded place
So it felt like we were the only two people in the world,
My lips beneath his...
Seeing him in the grocery store,
Maybe I don't even have funny
Because as I draw nearer to him
I don't say a word.

It started with a smile.
A smile and a laugh
Flash from drunken rooftop parties
To a stroll along the beach.
Maybe it was the air between Alabama and Florida,
Sticky sweet like the nectar from magnolias,
Clinging to our bodies like an extra layer of skin,
But I never felt closer than when our hands drifted into one another.
Through the haze of the heat, I've never seen brighter smiles
Than the ones you flashed me while we were walking side by side.
The seagulls, the palm trees, and I saw you shining in the Florida sun
As the waves crashed against your jeans while the rest of the world faded away.
The waves, the sand, and I all saw you watching as we walked along the shoreline.
I saw you watching when you thought I wasn't looking, because I was watching too.
Back in the crisp Michigan air, we're two hours and a world apart,
A hop and a skip I wouldn't mind taking
Just to take our journey beyond southern comfort.

People keep asking me if I'm okay
And mostly, I am.

But, how am I supposed to be okay
When the only man
Who has the ability to break the spell and hold my heart,
The only other man that makes me smile and aware of my heart beat,
Lives too far away to give me a chance,
And is too wary from his last relationship
To attempt to close the distance between us.

How am I supposed to be okay
When a boy and a girl
Who know each other inside and out
Who learn and grow together for five years
A boy and girl who think the world of each other
Don't end up together.
The boy she thought would be
Her fairy tale ending
Falls in love with someone else
In the fraction of the time that they knew each other
How can I be okay now that she's his wife.
How can I be okay
With losing a best friend, and a part of myself.

How can I be okay
When the man I want to be with
Keeps me at arms length.
He holds me in place,
Sure to steal my focus the moment it might waver from him.
He dangles hope in front of my eyes
Like a hook and I wait with baited breath.
He whispers sweet nothings into my ears
That float into my brain
And my brain does a magic trick that makes mole hills into mountains.
Because in my head
You mean everything you say.
In my head,
You're my new fairy tale
With no ending in sight.

It's the tell tale question:
"what do you want?"
I need no hesitation as a montage enters my head.
I want a phone call saying
"come outside"
I want a face grab and a heated kiss.
I want rocks thrown at my window,
I want a boom box hoisted overhead,
I want a scavenger hunt leading me to you,
I want a letter of explanation,
I want a scheme to surprise me with your presence,
I want a grand gesture,
Or flowers with a confession of love,
Even if you're not good with words.
I want an "I miss you, I miss us."
I want "meet me here" and an "I'll be waiting."
I want a deliberate touch,
A lingering gaze weighted with words you can't say.
I want you to be drawn to me the way that I am drawn to you,
Like two magnets holding together through any obstacle and force trying to keep them apart.
What do I want?
The answer is simple:
Him.

I have two hands.
My right hand resembles my past;
My past thought processes
Insults and compliments paid to me.
Friends,
Lovers,
Liars,
Cheaters,
Rapists.
My left hand resembles my future;
My future thought processes,
Ambitions,
Friends,
Lovers,
My actions and reactions to insults and compliments
The lines on this hand act as guides
They pave the way to the future self I want to be
The lines on my other hand act as scars,
Calloused reminders of memories best left forgotten,
Traces of every bad thought of myself etched into my skin.
My hands are 25 years old
They hold everything I am and what I've done,
They will help me shape and mold a future they can grasp.
Bad habits are a ***** to break.
My bad habit has always been hearing insults louder than compliments and then in turn insulting myself
Right hand--past.
That's the thing I know I need to work on and strengthen my mind against.
I need to start thinking good things and hearing the compliments,
Left hand--future.
But...there inlays my problem...
I'm right handed.

You don't get it.
You can't do that.
You can't walk away and then come back and act like you care...
No, I didn't say that you can't be nice or polite,
I'm saying that you can't inquire about my safety every chance you get and offer favors when you're worried about it.
That's far too "boyfriendy"
You can't get jealous
You always wonder why...
It's because you're the one who leaves
Every. Time.
It's like...
We're walking down an old dusty road together, hand in hand
We stop, you turn to me, and walk away.
I watch you leave.
I look around confused and wander in circles.
I finally get my bearings and start down a new path
Then there you are in front of me again
And where else can I go?

He said, "I'm sorry"
He apologized a lot and I never really knew why.
He made me dinner.
"I'm sorry I ruined it," he said
But I was just grateful for his thoughtfulness.
He would apologize repeatedly,
I continued to say that I loved it,
I loved him.
And I meant all of it.
"I'm sorry I didn't respond."
"I'm sorry I over slept,"
"I'm sorry I'm sad,"
It all means "I'm sorry I'm flawed"
Honey, I don't want perfect and I never did.
I wanted you in all of your imperfect glory.
I wanted you've worked all day and smell but I want a hug anyway
I wanted terrible morning breath
I wanted mistakes in the kitchen and to watch horrible movies that make us want time back in our lives.
I wanted everything good, bad, weird, anything as long as it was with you.
"I'm sorry," you said
"I'm sorry I didn't say anything, I thought you were mad."
Honey, I can count on one hand the times I was legitimately mad at you,
Frustrated and a little annoyed were more often than mad.
Maybe I didn't apologize enough for being me
When you apologized too often for being yourself
Just because you always thought you had to.
But honey, you are the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
Despite the tears and the pain, I am happy to have known you.
I wish we could see the world through each other's eyes,
Maybe then you could see that you are the sun in my universe
And I am just spinning around you.
Maybe then I could see everything you see that's wrong with us.
Maybe then I could prove you wrong...
Maybe then we could fit together like we used to,
Like two puzzle pieces cut perfectly to fill each other's hollow spots.
I'm grasping at straws, the hope that someday soon,
Before I fade away, you'll show up at my door
No words would be needed because our eyes would hold all of the love and yearning we've kept just underneath the surface.
And when we finally melt together, the eruption would happen and we would know that we can make it through anything. Everything.
I'm grasping at straws, but they all slip through my fingertips...they fall to the floor among the pieces of my heart.
"I'm sorry," you'll say.
The saddest thing, I think, is how much we miss each other and want each other,
But we stay as far away as possible
Out of confusion,
Out of habit,
Out of comfort,
Out of fear...
And for all of that, I am sorry.

I'm doing 90 on the freeway
My hands gripping the steering wheel like a tourniquet
Trying to stop the memories from flowing
By draining the blood from my helping hands

Music blares from the speakers
To drown out your constant drone
Of laughing and good feelings
My ears ring from the echoes of the past

Your face appears, an apparition from a beautiful nightmare that I can't wake up from.
I thrash, I kick,
I daydream about wrecking my car in a desperate attempt to shake you

But you exist everywhere I have ever seen your smile.
It's like a tattoo on my heart
No Q-switched laser can take it away.
I'm branded yours.

I've driven these streets a million times
But they're foreign, plagued by your image.
These towns are haunted by the ghost of you
Constantly tormenting me

Your vision reminds me that, while I grew up here,
This place is not my home.
The strongest walls I've ever had were your arms.
Now that you've left, I'm homeless.

She smiles.
It's a genuine thing:
Raises her cheekbones,
Lights up her face and puts a sparkle in her eye.
You smile, too. You feel better.
She knows how to make people feel better.
Even when she's not okay.
Her smile blinds everyone to the pain.
The thing about her is...
She doesn't want the same in return,
She wants your ear.
Your presence.
Your acknowledgment.
Your time.
But you only come around when you're down,
When you need a light in your darkness.
She let's you take whatever brightness you need from her.
Because she doesn't mind.
She can make everyone feel good
Except herself.
Her light is fading fast,
Stolen by thieves in the night
Leaving her shrouded in black
With only a dim glow in sight
She trudges on toward it,
But it goes farther still.
Will she ever make it?
It's too soon to tell.

Sleep paralysis.
That's the best way I can describe it.
You can't move.
And you want to call out,
But you're stunned.
Stunned because you never knew it could happen to you.
Not with him. None of them.
It doesn't make sense that someone could be so heartless,
How someone can hear you say "no, I don't want to," or "please stop," and see you move away, or try to fend them off and not care.
You can't move because they're bigger and stronger.
You can't scream because nobody would hear you
And you don't want to give them the satisfaction.
But inside your head, glass shatters from the sheer volume.
You struggle a bit more,
But when you realize it's pointless and your movements give him encouragment,
You lie still and wait.
You lie still and wish yourself far away.
And when he releases you, it takes you a moment to understand that it's over,
You're free.
In that moment, you've never felt so small, so fragile. So broken.
You pick yourself up, pick up your clothing and they always act like everything is fine.
Like they didn't just shatter your world.
They make you feel like you're crazy, wrong for the way that you feel.
You put yourself in that situation, you could have avoided it.
Even though you said "no."
That doesn't seem to matter.
Sleep paralysis while you're not sleeping is a different kind of hell I hope you never experience.

It's like...
I'm drowning in slow motion.
My eyes are wide open
And everything is glistening
Beautiful.
But I can't enjoy it;
My lungs burn
I can't move.
Paralyzed.
There are people
They're in the water with me
They know I'm there.
I open my mouth
But no one hears.
They can't see
What's happening beneath.
More people enter the water,
My life
And the pool grows deeper
Pushing me further away
From the surface.
Sometimes
Someone will join me
To breathe air into my tires lungs
Because if I die, so does the pool.
Heaven forbid.
On occasion
They place a rock on my chest
Right over my heart
To force me to fight...
But, they forget
I can't move
I...am stuck
Drowning in slow motion
For good.

They're just Z's, Chelsea, it's not a big deal.
But to him they were snowflakes.
They're just brown eyes, nothing special there.
But to him they were beautiful, mesmerizing.
My imperfect body is covered with flaws
But to him it was perfect in every way.
He used to make a song and sing about how much he liked every part of my body, just to see me smile.
You might say: they're just words!
And you'd be right... But didn't they mean something?
Just penguins and lobsters
Just whales laying next to each other at night making noise to let the other one know we're there...
Wasn't it right how our bodies fit together like the jigsaw puzzles I put together
And that you helped me save?
Wasn't it right how we could talk for hours, see each other for days
And still want more?
Wasn't it right how I could fall asleep with my head on your chest and your arms around me
And feel just as safe as I do in my barricade of pillows
If not more so?
Wasn't it right how we made each other so happy we could hardly stand it and we'd settle for "ah!" as a description.
Didn't it matter that I still got butterflies with every kiss and utterance of "I love you"?
Where did it go wrong?
Why could only you see us falling apart?
Why didn't you warn me?
Because didn't it matter that we spent a whole week living together and only argued once?
Isn't it wrong that we can go months without speaking
But not a day goes by that I don't think about you.
Isn't it wrong that I see you in everything.
Everything is wrong.
I lay still at night, a lone whale full of emptiness
Listening to the stillness of the silence
Making noise because I am awake.
But you're not there to answer back.
You're not here.
And that's wrong.
...Right?

It's like floating on nothing, waiting to fall
Broken wings trying to fly through it all.
Pictures of you go shooting past
Haunting my thoughts, how long does this last?
I thought it was done, that'd you'd just let me go,
But you hold tight, swimming my to and fro.
My arms are broken from stretching myself too thin
You seem so much better off, I should probably just let you win
And go crashing down to the ground
And get lost somewhere I can't be found.

She lays on her back
His lips writing a one way ticket
Out of hell, but only for a few minutes
She puts on her make up
And her big smile
For a moment, nothing's wrong.
She throws another shot back
There's  too many to keep track
She doesn't want to remember
She makes mistake after mistake after mistake
Conscious and deliberate
Because she's desperate to fix it.
She stares at his pictures
With tears flooding her eyes
She grabs her phone,
She has to give him one more try
She waits and she wonders
How could this be goodbye?
She burns his pictures
Deletes his number
She doesn't want to remember
She makes mistake after mistake after mistake
Conscious and deliberate
Because she's desperate to fix it.
She's dangerous, reckless
Doing things she knows are wrong
She's hurt and she's broken
How can he not come around?
She gets lost in the *****
And all the guys who abuse
Because she's desperate to fix it.
She doesn't want to remember
She makes mistake after mistake after mistake
Conscious and deliberate
Because she's desperate to fix it.

Back to where I began
Part of rock bottom was never the plan
Sleeping with distractions to end night terrors
Making love when there's no love there
What does one expect when I'm broken and torn?
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
You made me believe lies so many
But they didn't lie when they said misery loves company.
I hope you wake up years from now
And realize that you missed out.
I'm not mad that it's over, just mad how it ended
After all I went through and your flaws that I defended.
There's nothing worse than looking like a fool
And now I'm sick and tired of following the rules.
I'm standing up, finally not lying down
I can't wait to laugh and see you frown.
But when I'm alone, the truth can't hide,
My actions and my heart don't coincide.
Congratulations, you finally broke me
And forced me to act a way I never wanted to be
I'm just at a loss, I don't know what to do
All I know is I'm so disappointed in you
And in myself for believing your lies
And becoming something I know I'll despise.

Teardrops are a lullaby
Singing me to sleep
But this broken heart is nothing
Compared to promises you can't keep.
It's like a steady march
To a death toll
As sorrow sets in
And consumes my soul
It eats away at me
From the inside out
Starting at my heart,
Then taking the easy rout;
Moving on its way,
Coursing through my veins
Like acid in my blood,
There is no worse pain.
I cover my mouth
To try and conceal
Ashamed at all of this
And exactly how I feel.
How could I have done this?
How could this happen?
I gave my all and once again
I am found lacking.
****** if you do,
More so if you don't
I'm trying to keep my head above water,
Just to stay afloat.
Throw me a lifeline,
Just something to hold on to
Show me there's a reason
That I haven't given up on you...

I am a product of my childhood
As so many of us are
I show every wound
And wear every scar
I've been a dozen people
With so many different faces
If you look close enough,
You can still see the traces.
The many hands
Molded me into the woman you see
Finally in my own skin
And not afraid to be me.
They still linger there
Just beneath the surface
Waiting for a moment
When I am defenseless
They take turns
And react to every situation
Anger, sadness,
Confusion, depression.
I have all these feelings
In my head and heart
All fighting for room
With no real place to start.
A product of my childhood
Where I learn to adapt
And best every circumstance
With my sanity intact
A product of my mistakes
That have left me broken
Abandoned with no answers
And a thousand words unspoken
A product of my relationships
Where it seems impossible to trust
You lay all your cards on the table
And it turns out you bust.
A product of my tears
That stain the pillowcase
Followed by the glowing smile
I've created to save face.
A product of my actions
That seem so careless and free
But behind them I'm screaming
"Look what you've done to me"
A product of my silence
And all the things I've never said
A solace I've created
To combat the chaos in my head.

Walk on eggshells,
Don't let them crack;
After all that's happened
How can we get back...
****** if I do,
****** if I don't
Terrified of wasted time
And fake feelings shown
I don't understand
What's different from before
We're still there everyday
Only now there's eggshells on the floor.
Tip toe around,
Careful what you say,
Don't want to make a slip
And have him push you away.
Everything is there still:
Feelings, attraction, ease;
Laughs, jokes, playful remarks,
And the way we tease.
Lingering gazes,
The desire to touch,
Although you're right there,
I still miss you so much...
You're there in front of me
But you stay just out of reach
Mesmerizing with kindness
And essays of sweet speech.
He loves me,
He loves me not
Maybe disappointment
Is the thing I bought
Wandering around
Shattered shells beneath my feet
Hoping you'll make a decision
And in the end we'll meet
A pedicure of blood,
My heart black and blue
Clinging onto faith
Because I believe in you.
You keep me complacent
Or just keep me around
Until you're more comfortable
Letting me down.

Take these tears and put them on ice,
Shame on me for letting you fool me twice.
Sweet nothings babbles through the course of time,
Putting my guard down let me believe you were mine.
Happy and laughing, then things changed quick;
"Something is wrong, I need help!" what a trick.
"I need to be alone so I can get by"
Did you really think I wouldn't catch your lie?
Making me worry and hope for the best,
When everything you said meant nothing and you couldn't care less.
All I ever asked for was honesty,
I meant what I said, but you didn't give me that courtesy.
Took what you wanted, you got the best of me
And I was so blinded by you and unable to see
The man behind the mask, the liar and thief
Who stole my heart with every intention to leave.
Spinning lies into beautiful illusions
I ate them up and bought into the delusion.
Giving you the benefit of the doubt
Because the feelings I have I'd gone too long without.
I don't like to give up or walk away,
But this is a game that I don't want to play.
I'm sorry for my wasted time
And all the nice things I said--every line
I'm sorry for my broken heart feeling like an exposed nerve,
But most of all I'm sorry because you're not what I deserve.
You didn't have the decency to tell me the truth,
I guess that's just a sign of your immaturity and youth
Someone better will come along, they'll be honest and nice,
But ****...shame on me for letting you fool me twice.

Standing on the edge
Caught between who I was and who I am.
One step forward,
Two steps back,
Struggling to keep my head above water
Or cower in their arms, it's like an addict to smack.
Anything better than feeling alone, right?
Twisting and spiraling down a dark, dangerous plight.
Foot holds smothered in vaseline,
I can't even catch myself.
Follow the light--step forward,
Or hide in the comfort of the past
Two steps back, for those of you keeping track.
A place I swore I'd never return to
It keeps itself wrapped in pretty shades of blue.
Beckoning and calling me away from you.
You are the step forward
They are two steps back
But you stay just out of reach,
A beautiful illusion of where I want to be.
Stuck in limbo with nothing to do
Stuck between which me is really who.

There's a hand on my shoulder
That pulls me back
Behind the scenes
Where no one sees
And she looks just like me

She's watched me closely
Over the years
So when she takes the stage
No one can save me
No one even knows I'm missing

Something is wrong
Something's not right
I've gone to sleep
But some how it's not night.
Everything is wrong

How do I fix this?
The damage is done.
Only I can see
Where she has stepped in
And left me behind

She plays me so well
Even I'm almost convinced
But her actions are wrong
And her confidence is minced
She is broken

Dragging me down
From the ladder I've climbed
Rung by rung
From top to bottom
Because misery loves company.

Sitting in the sidelines
Gagged and bound
Watching myself
Fall from grace
Out of control of my own fate

No fault of my own...
Adenoma was her name
Knowledge allowed me to break my chains
My shadow for a year, removed in a day
The rain cloud above my head has gone away.

But what has been broken
What she made believe
Is something I built
And watched crumble at my feet
That's something that remains

I have overcome
And am standing strong
Good as new and healing fast
Trying to find peices among the debris
And make something new

I am back in control of myself
The way it's meant to be
No one to pull me away when I least expect
Or ruin what I have going for me
It's me in the spotlight. Only me.

Words were said
But they weren't meant
They were make believe
And more than a little bent

Bedroom eyes
Silly smiles, kissing lips
Tangled limbs
And bare skin beneath fingertips

Rapid heartbeats
Butterflies when we're near
How can you miss me
When I'm standing right here?

I've never been so comfortable
Never felt so close
Never wanted to be around someone
Or minded being exposed

Talking came easy
We were best friends
Fights always resolved
Communication to make ammends

Words went unspoken
Things started to go wrong
Feelings remained hidden
For far too long

What was whole
Now is broken
What was warm
Now seems frozen

We meant the world
To each other
But none of that matters
If he longs for another

Reaching out
But his back is turned
I call out, scream
But he seems unconcerned

None of what we had
Seems to matter anymore
Stop holding on.
Try to close the door.

Try to move on,
Hold your head high
Stifle the hurt,
Don't let them see you cry...

Tear stained face
Pressed to the pillowcase,
Silent screams make your body ache.
You feel stupid, it was all a trick
It's enough to make your stomach sick.

I'm not okay
And it's not alright
But what's another sleepless night?
No different than the ones before,
Hiding and mourning behind a closed door.

How does a mind change so fast?
Is it even possible to build something that will last?
One hundred to zero in no time at all
And no arms to catch you when you fall

Love's the deadliest game of Trust there is,
Especially when you just brush their fingertips.
Head over heels you twirl and spin
Up and down, you can't tell, you can't win.

They taunt you with words,
Sweet nothings on tainted lips
They nudge their way into your heart
And tickle your hips

They make you believe,
Make you trust,
Then reduce your being
To ashes and dust.

Called to home,
From where you came
It's almost nice to be back again.
Alone you know where you stand
Take a look at your empty hand...

Forget the warmth,
Forget the glow,
Forget the flutter,
And how your eyes would glow.

Forget the heartbeat
And the comfort it brought
Forget about the kisses
And the solace you sought

Forget and move forward
That's all you can do.
Forget all about them
Like they do to you...

Stuck between a rock and a hard place
Two steps backwards to try and save face
Torn between sharing,
Being bold and daring
And hiding behind a smile, pretending and not caring.

The latter will eat you alive;
You have to communicate and only the strong will survive.
Take a chance,  say what you need to say.
Don't hold it in one more day
Maybe if he understands you can find a way.

Complain about what doesn't really matter
A nuisance designed simply to flatter
Something you secretly long for
A sentiment you've never felt before
You don't need a lot, just a little bit more

It's the little things that matter the most
No need to bare the soul from coast to coast
A thoughtful gesture, a homemade gift
Would considerably lessen the rift
And cause my restless thoughts to shift

From dark and dreary
To light and cheery
It only takes a moment or two
To create something fun and new
To let me know how you think of me, too.

It's 11:11,
Make a wish
For a knight in shining armor
Or a handsome, charming prince

A grand gesture,
A passionate kiss;
A flash of light,
Impossible to miss.

I was too busy searching,
Looking far and wide
Never fully finding it
No matter how hard I tried

I had an idea
And I thought I knew
Exactly what I wanted
And then there was you.

You snuck up behind me
Caught me by surprise,
Turned my world inside out
Now I'm completely mesmerized

In utter awe
Of how this came to be
And still shocked
You could feel the same about me

Gentle and sweet,
No feelings forced
I am at peace
And feel no remorse

Safe and warm,
Wrapped in your embrace,
A fleeting thought of you
Brings a smile to my face

These emotions
Are all brand new
Affectionate touches and kisses
Will take some getting used to

I think about you constantly;
Morning, day, and night
I can only say
"I've finally done something right."

Ten fingers
Ten toes
Two eyes
One nose

Smiley, bouncy
Baby girl
And a mother who becomes
Her entire world

Scraped knees
Tear stained eyes
All disappear
With momma's lullabies

Her soft voice
Make problems go away
Through thick and thin
She's always here to stay

Heartfelt and selfless
She rights every wrong
I'm so thankful there's a place
In her heart where I belong

There's no one on Earth
I admire more
No one I look up to
And simply adore

No one I feel more blessed to know
Inside and out
No one as important
That I love beyond doubt

A woman so lovely
Gentle and calm
A women I can't be more grateful
To be able to call my mom.

Mommy used to say
"Just wait. It will get better someday"
But she never knew there was more
Than the life she settled for

Mommy used to say
"It's ok. I'm happy this way"
But she never knew she could run
From the mess that life had spun

Tangled and snared
She never leapt, she never dared
Making the best out of what she had
Ignoring the fact that everything was bad

Fate stepped in and dealt a hand
That severed every rotten strand
To build a new life, to start anew
With an absolutely stunning point of view

I can see the sunset and sunrise
Dancing behind the sparkles in her eyes
With rekindled light and life
Bringing a close to the years of strife.

Now mommy says
"I'm the happiest I've ever been"
It's in her eyes, her voice. "I've never been happier"
And all I can do is smile, because I believe her.

You don't know what you have 'til it's gone
But what if what you had is where you belong?
Nothing has felt the same;
A small lift to your lips when you hear his name.
Countless hours and time invested
Sleepless nights still have you well rested
It was refreshing, a beacon of hope
To test your mind and broaden your scope
Make you realize what's important, what's not
Try your hardest but mess up your shot
Was it you? Was it him?
An internal struggle you will never win.
Drive yourself crazy wondering what's on his mind
Try to make him see what he left behind
Easier to think you don't exist
If words spoken were true, he couldn't resist
The person you are, the person you strive to be
Kind, rational, and gentle--effortlessly
His light in the darkness, he'll even admit
Maybe that's true but he's blinded by it.
Take my hand, let me show you the way
We can get there together, not now but someday.
Play with fire and you're bound to get burned
Blistered fingertips are lessons learned
Third degree, that's what it took
To shake my resolve and really make me look
At what was there and what wasn't
Based on well placed words, well over a dozen
All wraped up in couplets and prose
There's no way everyone else gets those
The words that flow together so well
Trying to tell me something I guess only time can tell

There used to be butterflies
They've been dormant, asleep
Buried under years
Of lies and deceit.
All of a sudden,
They are alive and well;
For better or worse,
It's too early to tell.
Secrets dance behind sparkling eyes
Cheeks heated with passion
Heartfelt giggles
and soft sighs.
Could it be possible?
Is it true?
That there is a connection
Between the two of you.
Just when your hopes are at a high
You take a step back,
Maybe he's not just shy.
Maybe the truth was there all along
Like a gentle whisper
From a faraway song.
You stare at the sky
In the darkness of night
And watch as the butterflies
Take their flight.
Dazed and confused
You wave goodbye
With a million questions
And no answers why.

Dreams keep me awake
There's no reason, nothing at stake
Just sweet nothings
That I wish meant something

Without this heart in my chest
No hard feelings and emotions to confess
No pain to be felt
No cold reality cards dealt

I could stand tall and strong
Even when everything has gone wrong
Feeling no remorse
And let disaster run its course

With a heart cold as stone
There's no reason to wait by the phone
For a call that won't come
No closure to let you know it's done

Just silence, nothing more
A dead end, a slammed door.
Words left unsaid, moments abandoned
No hardened heart, I'm taken for granted

You say I'm amazing
Amazing for nothing
Because if it's not you it doesn't count
You seem to care, but not the right amount

Things you said hold no merit
You knew, but refused to show it.
What you felt, how it was different
But so easy for me to misinterpret

Hardened heart, ha, I wish
It's soft as ever and easy to squish
Silly and naive
Even after they leave

Always hoping for something better
A romantic notion or a grand gesture
But all I get is--nothing
Absolutely nothing

Silence is deafening loud
Stay high, safe in my cloud
Fetal position, curled in a ball
No more pain, let go of it all.

Tear drops fall like rain
Contort your face, mask the pain
Silly of you to let your guard down
For a boy from out of town

Hours slide, days pass by
Heart on the sleeve, no reason to lie
To the boy who thinks you're a saint
Who makes your head spin and your heart faint

You took things a little too far
And you don't know how to handle this scar.
Patch it up and continue as if nothing's wrong.
But how can you when you've been kidding yourself for so long?

You saw something that was never there at all
And let yourself spiral into a deadly free fall
No harness, no safety net to speak of
Just waves and shouts from above

What's the matter, silly girl?
You're not for diamond or pearl,
Or did you forget?
You can't complain or regret

Now you know where you stand
All alone, fragile vessel in hand
But you should have known from the start
Looked the other way, and locked up your heart

Maybe it was true and he changed his mind
He knows where you are, so you're left behind
With a million questions and no reasons why
Just red eyes and wet cheeks to dry

Maybe you were right from the beginning
Born to lose, not destined for winning
All the fantasies you fabricate
All along knowing you're inadequate

Misread signals and signs
Twisting and turning all this time
So much for solace and hope
You just feel embarrassed, a big joke

Nothing can be the same
Now you're bared and shamed
But how can you turn your back
When it's your fault for the things you lack?

Silly girl, go back where you belong
Alone in the dark humming a soft song
To comfort yourself and fill the void
With something besides the deafening white noise

Close yourself up, lock up tight;
Sing and hum with all your might
Next time don't read, you'll only go blind
Stay tucked away in the recess of your mind.

A beacon of light,
A semblance of hope
Pitch black you wander,
You search and you *****.

There's a light in the dark
Just up ahead
Ready to help
And make sure you're fed.

Like a parasite
To a host
You steal the light
She becomes a memory, a ghost

Dulling her shine
Until she's a tiny flame
But it's her own fault, right?
No one else is to blame

Because that is her way,
The reason she's here;
To provide light in the dark
And beckon lost ones near

She shows them a way
A different way to go
Gaining nothing in return
No rewards to show.

There's a piece of her
In everyone she's met
They give her scars
So she'll never forget

And she'll keep getting hurt
Probably the same way twice
But lessons must be learned
And others' happiness will suffice

For she is strong
And can rebuild her light
Others aren't so lucky
And live in eternal night

The beacon of hope,
The light within
But don't let her fool you,
She's riddled with sin

She wants to be wanted
To not be so alone
To have someone to confide in,
Someone to call her own.

This man will add to her light
Not take it away
But she can't hide her heart
And patiently wait for the day

Patience is a virtue
But not one she can possess.
Keep letting the wrong ones in
Who couldn't care less.

Let them bring her down
Let them drink from her cup
She'll get back on her feet
And bring herself back up

And, in the end,
She will reach the top
And they'll gaze in wonder
To realize they missed their shot.

I've clawed my way up
Dug myself out
Rising above
Because that's what it's about.

So many twists
And so many turns
Life is what you make it
You get what you earn

Paths can be taken
Roads can be avoided
Choices will be made
And mistakes exploited

If you go all in
Be prepared for all out
Prepare for battle
And struggles with doubt

What if's and could be's
Are destroyers of life
And what you cling to
In moments of strife

Where do you go
When the rungs of your ladder break?
Do you fight to continue
Or give up what's at stake?

Where there's a will there's a way
There's no such thing as luck
Better think of a way
To get yourself unstuck

Think around the problem
Try to climb but fall
Close your eyes and relax
And listen to their call

There's nothing but light
And a deafening sound again
They tell you you're alright
And medicate the pain

But something more is going on
Something no one can fix
They think it's an excuse,
An old dog learning new tricks

No one can explain
Or pinpoint what's wrong
There's no comfort or escape
Just the murderous melody of a song

A destructive tune
That constantly plays
Growing and taunting
A little more each day

"You tried and you failed"
The evil notes jest
"You can't make it
Even if you try your best"

The voices sing on
Like a chorus in your head
Causing you to shrivel
And wish you were dead

The what if's and could be's
Come back and linger
And you can't ask for help
No one would lift a finger

Exhausted and exposed
You sit in the dark
Playing with pills
From thoughts previously sparked

Tired of thinking
You want your mind at rest
You try to fight but fail
Even though you try your best...

It was fun while it lasted
But there will never be more
Happiness is on the way
This is just a detour,

A roundabout way
To go through life,
Trial and error
Struggle and strife

You make mistakes,
Sometimes more than twice
You shun words of wisdom
And heed no advice.

Between your heart and your mind,
You know best what to chose
You move on impulse
Because you have nothing to lose

In the heat of the moment
The passion is there
But when the time passes
You're lonely and bare

Cold and defeated
Grasping for what's real
You find it in your heart
And allow it to heal

But reslestness creeps back
Into the depths of your soul
Like a ****** to a rush
Or a stipper to a pole

You slip back, relapse
You're so tired of being good
If only there was someway
To not be misunderstood

He appears but he's taken
You almost don't care
You've always followed rules
And done what was fair

What goes around comes around
You get what you give
But being pushed around
Is no way to live

Whatever the choice
You have to live with yourself
You can't run away
Or place guilt on a shelf

There's something missing
You just don't know what
Lock up your heart
And staple it shut.

Don't open up,
No one can get in
Continue to live your life
Riddled with sin

Nothing ventured,
Nothing gained
Everything lost
After you've strained

Nice girls finish last
Because they abide by rules
Kindness used against them,
Treated like fools

It doesn't matter
How a heart breaks
The winner takes it all
Whatever the stakes

The loser huddles
In the shadow of the victor
Battered and bruised
You couldn't feel sicker.

Life isn't all about
Take what you can get
Think of the cost
And what you'll live to regret

There's a price
For everything we say and do
Why not be honest
And do what's true to you.

Try to be nice
Try to be kind
Because in the end
There's one thing you'll find;

Relationships are key,
No matter how frayed
Hold loved ones close
Don't wish they had stayed

Say what's on your mind
Never hold back
Love with all your heart
And you'll get back on track

If you detour,
Don't stray for long
That path is for the weak
And you are far too strong.

Don't give up
And never give in
In the long run,
It is you who will win

With no regrets
And no remose
Your feet will swiftly
Follow the course

Of the life that has been
Given to you
And although you bite off
More than you can chew

Close your eyes
And walk by faith
And remind yourself
It's never too late

To right any wrongs
To do what's right
If you never see darkness,
You'll never know light

Lift up your head,
Stand tall and proud
Lufet up your voice
And sing  out loud

Life is what you make it,
So dance in the sun
And soon you will discover
That you have won.

Take a look at this artery.
It's an endless black hole,
There's no more love to give,
That's been paid in full.

Keep on scavenging.
Search for what's left
I'd like some back, too;
Recover some of the theft

Bit by bit
I was broken apart
Little by little
Giving pieces of my heart

To friends and others,
To people in need
They take what they can
And leave me to bleed.

Behind all the smiles,
The flowers, the butterflies
Hides a trembling figure.
No one cares if she dies

Because no one sees her,
The girl who's not so easily bought,
The one who has been beaten
By the girl with the hopeful thought

The happy me
The one everyone loves
Because the hidden one
Could never be enough.

But low and behold
The other is also true,
The one that you see,
She's inadequate, too.

Always discarded,
Lied to, betrayed
Left alone again
And more than a tad frayed

What can I do
To make someone want to stay
I offer everything I have
And give it all away

Because my happiness
Comes from seeing you smile
Even though it's temporary
And I only see it for a little while

'Cause once you've milked me
For all I'm worth,
You leave me behind
To become one with the earth

You move on.
I'm alone and forgotten
Feeling so small,
Unimportant and rotten

Time spent
Seems to mean nothing now
People don't value others
And I can't understand how.

Try as I might
It's a concept I cannot conceive
I have so much hope
And faith to believe

That someday my kindness and time
Will not be in vain
That I can come out of hiding
And reveal the pain

And no one will run
Or scream at the site,
They will hold me
And whisper "Everything is alright;

You're broken,
In need of healing.
Thank you for trusting me
And being so revealing."

Kisses on my forehead,
Strokes across my hair,
Little caresses against my hand
Just to remind they're there

I've been so long without
That the softest touch
And a few kind words
Seem to mean so much

It's terrifying, really
Being vulnerable this way
But I can't apologize
Because I have nothing more to say.

This mind of mine
Cannot be tamed
I can't have you look at me,
I'm too ashamed

Of who I am
And what I've done
There's no solace,
Only a ****** of one

It'll be alright,
No one will miss her for long
After all,
Everything about her was wrong.

The me I used to be,
She's going to disappear
With all this torment around her,
She can't survive here.

She's too forgiving,
Far too naive
She can't seem to grasp
That people hide tricks up their sleeve

Not everyone
Means what they say
Or say what they mean
It's all for gain, at the end of the day

It doesn't matter
Who they hurt
With kind words
And some harmless flirt

Until the end
Words are all they were
And in the end
The actions are what broke her

That make her shy away
And build a massive wall
So high and fortified
No one can get in at all

She wants to allow it,
To let them back in
But the damage is done
There's nowhere to begin

Trust them--
You aren't as important as you seem
Stop chasing your
Silly semblance of a day dream.

Ignorance is not bliss
This scarred heart goes to show
That you will be at peace
When there's nothing more to know.

Spiraling downward,
Out of control
Chaotic beauty
Trying to find a hold

Keeping it all
Bottled deep inside,
Your heart is a maze
With many places to hide.

Keeping yourself
Just out of reach
Tired of listening
To everybody preach

About what to do
And who to be
Everyone so focused
On what they can see

But hidden inside
Under lock and key
Are all the feelings
He gave to me

Feelings of happiness,
Feelings of love,
Of fitting into someone's arms
Perfectly, like a glove.

And just when I was safe,
He took it away
And left me
Wondering why each day

Why aren't I good enough?
Why can't it be me?
Why doesn't he realize
What everyone else can see?

I sit here alone
Vacant and yearning
For him to return
While his world keeps turning.

I'm stuck in limbo
Unable to move on
It was real to me
Though his feelings were all gone

It's hard to accept,
Harder to believe
That I meant nothing
And that's how he could leave.

But how can someone be
So thoughtless and cruel?
As a person
Follow one rule:

Do unto others
What you want done to you
Maybe he'll change
And become honest and true

But until then
I'll remain alone
Because I deserve more
Than what I've been shown.

Answers in front of you
Words left unspoken, unsaid
Mixed signals still vibrant
Running rampant inside your head

Let it go
Take the words and move on
See this for what it's worth
And realize it's all wrong.

Obsession and excuses
Just to fill the void
Tell yourself it's ok,
Your heart is just a toy

People play and make fun
They can't see it's broken and cracked
From things that have happened
In a long time passed

You search for vengeance,
For recompense
Trying to right all the wrongs
To have it all make sense

There's a consequence
From loving too much
From not loving yourself
Depression, diseases and such

The familiarity
A daunting, yearning abyss
Making the different
So easy to dismiss

To overlook.
The answers are there, in your past
It's up to you to search
And try to create something that will last

After years of living
The same way only to find that you have to change
The way you've been living is unhealthy
But everything else seems strange

And foreign
How do you take what's important,
The relationships you've built
And then learn you have to ignore it?

Because
The way you've been living is wrong
And after a time
The one you loved is gone

Just because you fit
Doesn't make it good
That's the part that's missing
That's so easily misunderstood

You need something
Despite what happened as a child
Find something different
Be daring, be wild

Start chasing
What's good for you
Don't worry about him
And what it is you can do.

Loving too much
Can only bring you down
Stop thinking about their smile
And take a look at your own frown

Think of why
Someone so beautiful
Wouldn't be good enough
And remains miserable

Turn it around
This is your life
Live for yourself,
Forget your strife

Love you
There's no need to take cover
The one who is worth it
Would never consider another

Lift up your chin
And look at the light
The darkness is over
But be prepared to fight

For yourself
And for what you deserve
Your faith will be tested
And it might make you swerve

Never give up
And stop thinking you need to pick up the slack
You've discovered your problem
Now there's no turning back.