Eyes closed, no light seeps in
Butterflies tip-toe and dance within
The tickle of something against my hand
A small secret, written command.

But it's different when your lips brush against mine
It's gentle and sweet, like a fleeting sign
That this is what I've wanted, imagined for so long
With a kiss like that, what could possibly go wrong?

There's a burst of passion, a rush of light
A companion that chose to stay for the night.
Morning comes and the heat is back
Bodies intertwined to make up for the months of lack

Comfort and need found in each other
But we see differently than one another
You don't want me
And you're the only one I can see.

I knew that when it started;
You want temporary, I want whole-hearted.
That didn't stop the look in your eyes
The one I'll have to later disguise.

I let you in, I'm an open book
While I try to decipher your feelings by how you look
I have a feeling that I feel more
But when I think back on it, I'm not exactly sure

When you're unresponsive and reserved
I can only imagine that my words were unheard
Or maybe you just don't understand?
Maybe next time I'll write a message on your hand

Telling you how it would be
If only you wanted me.
I would be there for you through good and bad
Do anything to make you smile, never want to see you sad

There's something about you that I can't seem to let go
Ever since day one, although that was so long ago.
You always find me, no matter where I am
We seem to fit although you're a lion and I'm a lamb.

I see you for you, I'm here no matter what
I just wish you'd let me in, not slam the door shut;
I'm here to help, not to judge
Nothing you do could possibly smudge

How I feel or what I want
It only hurts when you taunt
Because you know how I feel
And sometimes treat me like I'm not real

Are we friends? Something more?
At times I can't be so sure
That I'm your friend at all
It makes me feel so silly and small

I'm used to giving more and getting less
Because I like to be the cause of happiness
And neglect myself
For the greater good and other's health

But when I feel invisible
Or even disposable
It makes it hard to believe
And makes me expect you to leave

Feeling like you don't matter...
There's nothing better to make you shatter
When someone claims they're your friend
But you don't really know if they are in the end...

There's a knife in my back
Just about skin deep
It's not noticeable
Just harder to sleep

An uncomfortable nag,
An unnerving chill
As the knife cuts deeper
With the intent to ****

There's a smile on the face,
But a scowl on the heart,
A mischievious instinct
To tear me apart

There's not much to say,
Almost nothing you can do
Then you begin to realize
This behavior is nothing new.

It's happened before
Only in a different light
A forgiving nature
But it's not worth the fight.

You fooled me once,
Shame on you
Fool me twice
I didn't want it to be true

It's a terrible feeling
When someone you could trust
Turns the tables
With their own thoughts of lust

You project onto me
Your own mistakes
The ball is in your court
And you know the stakes

The longer you wait
The further I drift
Your conscience is heavy
And needs a lift.

Communication is the key
That unocks the door to the soul
The only way to take something broken
And start to make it whole

When the lying
And deception begin
Anger and frustration arise
And you're determined to win

Do not stoop
To the level of your peers
Be the bigger person
Prove you're wise beyond your years

Learn to let them go
Out of mind, out of sight
Karma will pay them a visit
Then they'll see you're right

What will you do
When they come back?
Do they make your life better
Or is there something they lack?

The integrity, the morals,
The decency, the good
The simple reasonin
To do what they should

Because you value the life
Of another person, a friend
You appreciate the relationship
And you're there til the end

But they still have the knife
And your scar just faded
When they come back
Only freshly jaded

They beg for forgiveness
Yearn to right the wrong
Although forgetting is much easier
Especailly after waiting so long

It's impossible to regain
What you once had
You realize what you're missing
Too bad, so sad.

You let it go
You didn't care
I was disposible
Even though I was always there

It doesn't matter
What you do or say
They will get rid of you
And you'll want them to stay

Don't you fret
They're gone for a reason
They're not meant to weather your storm
Only weather a season

Their time is up
Their season has come and gone
Keep what you've learned
Smile and say "so long"

Lessons learned
If you love something, you set it free
Turn your back and walk away
Clearly this wasn't meant to be.

Bare feet against cold sheets
Counting mistakes and reasons why I can't sleep
Tossing and turning, pressing pillow against cheek
The future is a mountain with no peak.
The night is pitch, dark and deep
Mocking me, teasing me, causing me to weep
Faces appear from my past,
Some long forgotten, some struggling to last
They circle around and around my head,
Their ruckus taunts making me wish I were dead.
"Remember, remember!" They chant.
I don't want to recall. As a matter of fact, I can't
To go back would be dangerous to all,
Cling to your faith, don't let yourself fall
Back into the dusk, into the cave
Your soul is the only one you can save
Nighttime madness with feet naked and bare
Sheets cold and lonely with nobody there
To hold you and tell you things will be alright
Or to supress the dark thoughts that haunt you at night.
Close your eyes, let the music drown out the sound
And remember you're the only one who will always be around.

I am cold and broken
Lying naked on the floor
Shattered and feeble
Worse off than before

Before you appeared
Like a burst of golden light
Before I knew
How to sleep peacefully through the night

I was content, complacent
Prior to your coming to me
Filling me with hope and wonder
Now I just feel empty

A new scar emerges
On a tattered heart
A pleasant reminder
To stay alone in the dark

To not let yourself feel
Not allow yourself to get hurt
Relationships and emotions--
Nothing will ever work

Fight to the death
To keep up your walls
No matter who tries
No matter who calls

Stay inside yourself
Where you're safe and warm
Where you know how to be
And protect yourself from harm

Never again
Do you want to feel like this
Cold and shattered
A sick, rapturous bliss

You're a *******
An odd desire for pain
You do this to yourself
Over and over again

You tell yourself convincingly
"It will be different than before"
That nasty little lie
That brings you to the floor

To be left quivering and broken
Completely alone
Until you open your eyes
And welcome yourself home.

Look in the mirror. What do you see?
Unconventional beauty, isn't that right?
Everybody sees differently
But imperfection is not an ugly sight.

You look at yourself and wish that you were blind
Counting the flaws and things you could change
You're listening to the voices in your mind
Telling you that you look silly or strange

You wish you were someone people consider beautiful
But looks only go skin deep.
If you want true beauty, look into the soul
That's where things are so trivial and cheap.

Inside yourself is where the true glamour lies
Stirring, growing, inviting them in
Shining out through your eyes
Windows to a heart that's spread so paper thin

Wanting to fix, yearning to please
Make everyone happy and smile
She hides it well and succeeds with ease
But dark thoughts have been there for a while.

I'm not good enough
No one will ever love me
Anyone calls you pretty, call their bluff
They need glasses if they can't see

Exactly what you do when you look in that mirror
The moles, the rolls, the unwanted hair
All the imperfections couldn't be clearer
And you wish that you weren't there...

But you were made this way
Vision is not what people are all about
The beauty within is what you display
And that will make you gorgeous inside and out

Imperfection is not any ugly sight
And ignorance is not blissful.
Broadcast your heart, let it take flight
Never let anyone make you feel unbeautiful

It's only skin deep
And it all fades with time
Youth and grace you cannot keep
Death is a surely sign

Of how beautiful you were by all the people around
Who stand by your side
Even after you're in the ground
People need a lesson, some sort of guide

Attractiveness is in the eyes of the beholder
And once you learn you can't please everyone
Your feelings and thoughts won't smolder
Your judgement and make you want to run

Away from happiness and love
And from believing
That you aren't good enough
Because everyone is someone worth seeing.

Welcome to my magic show
Where only the brave dare to go;
Beyond the depths of reality
Hidden under lock and key.

There's not rabbit in a hat, no graceful dove,
Just an angel with broken wings, fallen from above.
There's no illusion, no trick of scorn;
Only a lonely girl, tattered and torn

Welcome to the freakshow, look through the glass.
She cowers in fear, gazing at the points and laughs.
They mock, they tease,
They bring her to her knees.

With a desperate plea she lifts her eyes
And everyone sees she's a devil in disguise.
The confusion is evident on every face
This girl has a side that caused her to fall from grace.

Assumptions are made, a decision reached
Everyone with an opinion they morbidly preached
The girl lifts her hands in absolute fear
And in a flash of smoke she disappeared.

I hope you enjoyed the show
Where she went, you may never know.

There's a spark in the darkness,
A faint glimmer of hope,
Someone to dull the ache
So you know you're not alone.

A moonbeam, silver streak of light,
Bursting through the black
To ease the troubled mind,
Kindling your heart until your faith comes back.

The warmth spreads
Like waves across the sand,
Lingering like fog
Inches above the land,

But nothing in pitch can last.

The distant glow,
The perfect summer night
Grow dimmer and fade
Keeping just out of sight.

You strain to see
The light in the dark,
The burning sensation
That tears you apart

The semblance of joy,
Of something exciting and new
Temporary at best
Like a shooting star, a lovely view.

Here one moment,
Gone the next,
A flash of light
Swallowed by the swirling vortex;

A dank void, a gaping mess,
Clinging to what might have been,
Filled with hope and restlessness
Waiting for the match to be lit again.

Dressed up with nowhere to go,
A bad feeling in your stomach, your heart sinking low
Waiting patiently for the phone to ring
With the name of the boy who makes your heart sing
Only to find that the call would never come though,
Would never reach your ears--if only he knew...
Knew how much it hurts,
How long the pain lurks
In the shadows of your heart, in the depths of your soul,
Driving you down even deeper into a hole
That you dug, full of sorrow and doubt
Terrified of losing something you can't imagine life without.
Even though it seems lopsided and unreal
And you know **** well that there's so much more YOU feel...
When he treats you like this,
Forgets you exist,
It's hard to believe there's anything there at all...
So, I'll lay back and let myself fall,
Spiraling down, watching your sweet face disappear into a cloud...
The silence of your heart never seemed so loud.
But I'll keep straining, listening
With my positivie thinking
And maybe one day you'll be able to save me from sinking...

Fade away slowly without a trace,
Close your eyes to find a happier place

A place where you don't have to hide,
A paradise so lovely, buried deep inside

Home of your heart where nothing could be more true
Where you have a chance to try on a new shoe

Just to see how it fits for a bit
Until you wander back to the growing pit

The void that is your world, something like Hell,
The abyss that makes you long for your shell

The solace you create behind closed doors
The imaginary pink and purple sky with golden sea shores

A place you long for in your dreams,
Slipping through your fingers and bursting at the seams

Clinging to a false hope that not everyone is the same,
Enough to break your heart, to make you go insane

Especially when you realize you're the only one who's different,
Floating alone on an island so distant

From everyone and anyone you believed to be close
That end up forgetting you, treating you like a ghost

I'm struggling across the span,
To bridge the gap but I don't think I can

How can something be fixed when no one thinks it's broken?
I'll take my lonely island and leave you with a token;

A semblance of life beyond the reality,
A life that I pray the world will one day see...

Now you see it,
Now you don't.
You can try to get inside
But accept the fact you won't.

My heart is hiding
Where only a select few can see
The people I grow to love
And who can endure the real me

She's behind four walls,
Safe under lock and key
Tending to all her wounds,
Burried under miles of secrecy.

The light burns her
To remind her why she's there
With tired, crimson eyes
And years of pent up despair

Because even a glimpse,
Just the tiniest peek
Makes people tune her out
And turn the other cheek

For no one can deal with
Problems that aren't their own
No one extends a hand to help;
There's no love, no compassion shown.

Hidden behind a smile
My scarred heart will stay
Living in fear when someone
Might try and take her away

From her beloved sanctuary
Just to cause her more pain
When the truth is revealed
That no one can give without gain.

Retreating alone to lick her wounds,
My heart will remain behind a closed door
Mending what's been broken
So many times before

Waiting patiently day and night
Until her tears run dry
Hiding until she has the chance
To break free, spread her wings, and fly...

What is life but a downward plight
Struggling to find your way and do what's right
Working hard to pay for your needs
While listening to other cries and pleas.
For a life of tedium is not a life worth living
The world is corrupt and less people are willing
To help their fellow man, give the shirt off their back
Conviction, these days, is what humans lack.
The ignored cries for help while the majority weep
It's no wonder none of us are able to sleep;
Dealing with our mundane, uninteresting existence
While the demand for more of us becomes most persistent
Until all you can do is relax and cry
While the universe continues to bleed you dry
And what is left of you but a token?
Gone in due time with the words you left unspoken

I wonder: Will there ever be a day
When I'll wake up and be okay

A day when I'll want to get out of bed,
A day when I'll be able to forget everything you said.

For now when I wake,
The only thing I feel is a hollow ache...

Deep in my heart where I keep your memory
Blinding my judgement making it impossible to see

The people around, the people I could meet
Because I'm just too busy staring at my feet

Thinking of you, and everything you are
Thinking of how to hide the scar

That you created, deep within my core
My red, tear-stained eyes become tired and sore

Because you are all that's on my mind.
Perhaps I'll stay trapped in this time

Day after day, hoping that someday
I just might be okay.

Let's start out together, just you and me
Side by side we'll be as happy as can be

In the begining there's no need for fear
Because if you have any doubts he'll always be near.

But as time goes by, things begin to change
Moments between you become awkward and strange

The distance of his heart becomes greater
He never makes time for you--you always come later.

You cling to hope because you can't let go
There has to be a way to let him know

That  you've never felt this way;
Never wanted to be with someone everyday

Never feel like yourself when he's not around
Never thought anyone else's voice was the most beautiful sound...

But if his feelings don't match your own
There's no way that you won't end up alone

Because he's the one--you know in your heart that it's true
But for him there's someone else, someone not at all like you;

Someone who can be exactly what he needs,
Someone he looks at and actually sees

And you'll have to try and live your life
Try to wish them well while you're burried in strife

Knowing you lost the best thing your heart ever knew,
The man that no one else will ever compare to.

Start with a clean slate; erase the past
Don’t try to wonder how a person’s mind can change so fast.
Forgive what they’ve done, but never forget
And don’t make them feel like they are in your debt.

Close your eyes and remember the time you had
The times you smiled and laughed—before it went bad.
Forgive, don’t forget, how much you hurt
When they left you alone in the dirt

Think how hard it was to close those wounds,
Sealed with the tears spilled by the boy who made you swoon.
Forgive, don’t forget, that when you looked at the stars
Was the time he drew the knife that created those scars

The ones you bury deep within your head
That grow more profound with every new tear you shed.
There are fresh scars now, even deeper than the first
I think knowing I was wrong is what hurts the worst

I forgave but cannot forget all the feelings that arise
When his arms are around me and I’m looking into his eyes
I cannot forget because he is all that’s on my mind
But he doesn’t think twice as he leaves me behind

To watch him go with such remorse
That he won’t let me share his course;
So, I’ll try to let him go, to let him live
And hope he realizes someday that he has nothing to forgive…
Only something to forget.

I broke myself completely in half
Making a fool while you sat back and laughed
At all the things I said and did
Now the picture of your sweet face is contorted.
I thought I could help you,
Make you feel something other than numb
I thought I saw your potential,
How could I have been so dumb?
To let you pull me, string me along
While in the background all I hear are depressing love songs
That lay out exactly what you would do
To me and anyone else who tried to pull you through
The darkness in your heart
And the mean in your soul,
I need to learn that sometimes even I can’t reach my goal.
I gave you everything,
Gave you my all
While you pushed me and watched me fall
And knowing that every word you said was fake,
Now I’m cold, broken, alone, and feeble
But make no mistake,
The broken pieces of my heart could fit through the eye of a needle.[1]


[1] A Knight’s Tale

I look around and all I see
Are people drenched in ignorance and idiocy
Yet all of them are better than me

In some way, shape, or form
It's probably better to stick to the norm,
The mold from which society was born

It's a safer way to live, easier way to sleep
Following the herd like a flock of sheep
life will never seem too steep

If you lock up your heart, toss away the key
Never expect a man to get down on one knee
For it will never happen to she

Who speaks her mind, goes against the grain
Gentlemen will never have anything to gain
She will be left in the pouring rain

To fin for herself
Something to forget on the top shelf
No one cares about the wealth

Of a person's soul, or what they have to lose
My heart is sick and tired of this abuse
So, get out of my head and find someone else to use

The voices in my head screaming, begging for release.
The pain, the heartache never seems to cease.

Lying awake on lonely, sleepless nights,
Counting all the wrongs in my mind, there are too few rights.

When all you want is to be cherished,
People interfere, all thoughts of hope perish,

Leaving you bleeding, broken--shattered,
The pieces of my heart cannot be put together--they're scattered

In a secret hiding place where only I can go,
A special place where no one has to know

Who I am or what I do,
This paradise is a dream come true.

My solace comes when my eyes drift closed,
This happiness isn't fake or posed.

It's in this place where I can rest in peace,
Never letting go of the secrets I keep.

Less Than Perfect

It's amazing how well things work out
How we all go through life without a doubt
That things will happen the way we want them to--
Too bad it didn't end up that way for you.

Always complaining about things you couldn't control
A growth, a height, some ill placed mole,
A deformity, a disease, a defect
Terrorizing anyone who was less than perfect

Looking around at your flawed family,
Your children were heavy, your sister-in-law had epilepsy.
You had to do something to get away--something direct
To strive to find what you wanted: perfect.

You finally found her, a woman so fantastic
Only to find out now she's become epileptic.
I wonder if you feel bad now, in retrospect
For judging people who're less than perfect?

Long ago but not very far,
I had a lover who gave me this scar
It runs from my shoulder down to my wrist,
Curving at the elbow with a sick little twist
The blood flowed but the cut was not deep.
This mark of shame is one I must keep,
For the reason he struck--he had opened the door
To catch me with a lover I loved much more

You Don't Understand....

You don’t see what everyone else can see
You don’t know how dear you are to me

Changes you’ve gone through put aches in my heart
But you don’t know how much that’s set us apart

You like to think no one is on your side
And you make it hard for those of us just along for the ride

Everyone only wants what’s best for you,
They want all of your wildest dreams to come true

Of course you don’t see what all of us are saying,
You just keep getting farther while the rest of us are paying

Sorrow and grief beyond belief
By what you have become due to a rotten thief

Who’s stolen the smart, beautiful women we knew
Into someone it sort of hurts to look to

We know who you are and what you can do
All of us are rooting for you…

Except for the thief who comes in the night
Twisting our words to make his seem right

And being the good person we know
You follow him and let him tow

You along down this narrow street
Constantly staring at your feet

Oblivious to people you trust and love
Oblivious to messages sent from above

The thief takes what he wants and laughs in our face
While the rest of us struggle just to keep pace

We reach for the girl we used to know…
But she has been seized by the undertow

In the thief’s domain is where she resides
Relaxing and caring for nothing besides

He who has changed her into what she is now
Someone I can hardly stand to be around

I keep them there to remind me that it was real
To assure myself I'm not crazy for the way I feel

The screen taken out, the window ajar,
Whispers of sweet nothings drifting from a far

They tickle my ears and worm their way in
Making me want to act on my thoughts of sin

My head and my heart say the same thing, for once they coincide
But it's not enough to keep you out although I know you lied.

I trusted you whole heartedly, gave you everything I could
You took the pieces of my heart and ran, just like I knew you would.

I'm left barren and hollow with checkered pajamas bundled on the floor,
Wishing you'd come back and love me like you did before,

Back when you meant everything you said,
Back when I didn't have to question and would welcome you to my bed.

A time not long ago, but it seems so far away;
Two years ago when my heart was full and not in disarray.

Now here I sit staring at those stupid pants,
Waiting for you to give me a glance,

Just a peek, maybe, into your mind
To see exactly what feelings you've been able to leave behind

In a place filled with smiles, laughs, and a home;
In a time when both of us didn't feel so broken and alone.