I never thought it would hurt this much,
seeing the world pass,
people smiling and living,
doing everything I'm not.

I sit alone in the shadows,
hiding from the world,
hiding my true self,
ashamed of who I've become.

A cigarette in one hand,
my lighter in the other,
watching the smoke surround me,
flicking the ash as it burns.

I bring it to my mouth,
another pull,
another thought,
the smile becoming faint.

My only real happiness coming from the rush,
each crave become more overwhelming,
it begins as a few,
it ends as a chain.

The only real thing keeping me going,
keeping my soul lit,
are these burning cigarettes,
yet I'm slowly smoking my life away.

Everyone goes through pain,
everyone suffers,
its always there,                                
creating the latest temptation.

Tearing us inside out,
haunting us as each day passes,
mocking us,
mocking the cause.

Not able to last any longer,
not able to go any further,
the strength turns to weakness,
a cry for help.
                  
A breakdown,
a thought,
a blade,
a river of all that we are beginning to flow,
a last moment,
a last breath,      
a life.

There is always a first,
a first we admire,
a first we never let go of,
a first we try to let go of.

A first kiss,
creating the sensation only one man could,
releasing the butterflies,
roaming freely.

A first love,
showing your heart its true potential,
creating a path for all that is to come,
building the barriers to later be torn down.

A first cigarette,
the feeling of freedom,
your world becoming calm,
the first rush only to lead to the next.

A first cut,
the sense of pain yet recovery,
a mean of freedom from what is held inside,
the newest escape yet the last resort.

There is always a first,
every first has its end,
the end is only where we can truly begin...

That's all I'm good at,
just pushing away.
You deserve none of what I give,
yet why do I give it all.
You can tell me it wasn't my fault,
tell me all you like,
I will always know it is,
and I will always know it was.
I hang my head in shame,
as I watch you fall apart.
I sit on the side lines,
wishing I was different,
that these weren't my ways.
Why do I do it,
why do I push away,
why cant I keep you close,
just like the rest?

The pain buries itself,
deep within me,
nesting in my soul,
The only way out,
broken flesh,
through the never ending flow.
Silent screams,
cries for help,
the only path I know.
The pain I feel,
becoming the pain I felt,
until the next tear falls.