Without being pretentious, I just
wanna sound a little like myself again, somedays.

Shoot the ****.

We were the type to touch records just for the feel,
You were the type to throw darts on Thursday nights.

I jumped fences to impress you,
I wore my hair down and
drank your favorite beer.

Took my clothes off a little too often.

I looked at maps and you laughed but I
thought we would be an adventure.

I thought it was worth the lightyears,
Parsecs.

I kept rambling to keep you talking,
So afraid of pauses, so
Sure you were leaving.
I wouldn’t have stopped you

But.

My chest was filled with black holes and
My breath was heavy and your hands were
Heavy and your eyes were
Somehow not blue but still full of the sky.

I wore it like a bruise the next day.

And I was angry.
You should have come.
Given my mom a face to attach a name to.

We could have held hands in the car.

Short nights.
We toured the sands of lake Erie.
Wet feet,
The flashlight beam breaking on rocks and waves and empty beer cans.
You laughed at me and we talked about finding a bear or
Maybe, in a few years, living together.

There was heat.
I was swinging and the trees were touching my feet,
Bending boughs before us and the cops came
So we piled in your car and you
Were called to “drive faster.”
Speeding up to catch the sharp exhale I
Let spread across your neck,
Trickling slowly off your collarbone.

We brought a camera.
And, negatives spoke volumes when we reviewed our faces;
You were looking at your feet and my
Eyes were on your lips.

A deep inhale, caught
across the dip between your
shoulder blades.

I am only the small space between my fingers,
the inconsequential rifts that disappear when your hand
slides into mine.

You are only the soft shallow sound of
footsteps coming up the stairs
so I know
I am no longer alone, here.

There are days now
I don't think about it.

There are moments,
in the dark I
clutch my chest to keep
my heart intact.

There are moments,
in the dark my smile
breaks all lines
of my face and I.




I remember what we whispered.

On Wednesday nights I
drink a little too much
and become obsessed with the lines
of my palms, yours.

I count the bottle caps and wonder
How many it takes to get
Your clothes off.

We should have kept a tally going.
We should have been softer and
Turned some music on.

I laughed as we crossed the street.
I shivered and you shrugged but did not
Take your coat off.

I shake when I step on that airplane.
I look at my hands, wonder if I should eat something
Or if I will continue to tremble for days recalling
How happy I could have been here.

“You should love with your heart and your head.”

“You should look at your fingers and remember what they
Touch more often I don’t know if you
Have been aware but everyone is looking at you, they know
You are not happy.”

I call you and you tell me it will be fine tomorrow.
I call you,
You tell me how much you regret.