I didn't really believe in the zodiac
but I still searched endlessly.
I needed something to tell me we were meant to be.
Something to validate what I already knew.
What I found was that we were incompatible,
but I was doomed to long for you.
You were the sky
and I was chained to the Earth.

We both left each other ruined.
I left you scared, sick and paranoid.
You left me alone, depressed and confused.
We both loved each other too hard
and I should have known
we all read Romeo and Juliet
and I knew that "violent delights have violent ends"
and yet when you said you loved me,
the sun was shining through the window
the world seemed so clear, so perfect.
And every time you drove me home, dropped me off down the block the sun was shining
except that night.
The moon was out and you didn't say you loved me
and I cried and slept in my mother's bed because she was away
and mine smelled like you.
And that one hallway smells like you,
and the Latin teacher smells like you,
and I cannot stop crying,
even though it's been almost a year,
and I don't even know how it will feel when the
warmth comes and it feels like those days you drove me home,
shades on, singing along to the radio and looking over at me.

At 15, most of my friends have never even kissed a boy
But I have already loved someone as distant as the stars
And like the stars he was dead inside
But his light could still be seen if you looked
That is why when in between trying to make a dead language live again,
I cried when my teacher said
"These are the best times of your life"
Because I could not believe things can only get worse from here

In those distracted moments in class
the girls I know think about the night when
the boy of their dreams comes knocking on the door
to whisk them away.
I think about the night when
hordes of the dead come scratching at the door
to feast on the living.
I wake up after a night
of running from grotesque zombies
as satisfied as most girls are
after dreaming of a date with the football captain.
The girls I know spend hours
calculating the formula of the perfect
outfit, hair, location
to create the perfect romance.
I calculate the formula of the perfect
weapon, force, defense
to take out as many infected as possible.

I walk around and all I see
are smiles on others
but I cannot seem to recreate a smile
in the mirror.
I walk around and all I see
are girls with boys
who look at them with loving eyes
yet, I have not experienced this.

When I was sophomore in high school I was cut from the volleyball team and I started thinking about what I would do next
I decided to try out for the cheer team for my junior year
When I told people I heard the same two things
But aren’t you in honors classes?
And
But  you’re not a *****
my friends I thought would support me were only perplexed by my decision
a friend told me I would be invited to parties
and pressured to date a ****
but they forgot, my best friends forgot
that even though I’d be a cheerleader, I’d still be me
I would still get nervous and talk too much,
I’d still be awkward and angry and sad
I made the team and the next year
In my honors classes people asked “but aren’t you a cheerleader”
When that cute senior invited me to his bedroom that night
I refused and he said “but you’re a cheerleader”
And I did not understand why people could not see past the uniform I wore
I got invited to parties
But I usually went and stayed quiet while everyone else mingled
And sometimes I left early because I felt so alone
I was still awkward and angry and sad
And people still did not understand that even though I was a cheerleader
That I was still me

I've forgotten the feel of your lips on mine
I've forgotten how soft your bed is
I've forgotten the sound of your footsteps walking towards the bed
I've forgotten the way you said I love you
I've forgotten the way you breathe when you sleep
I've forgotten your smell
I've forgotten your touch
I've forgotten your voice

I have not forgotten the way I felt
when you said goodbye