When I was three
And my mother brushed my hair
She parted it carefully
And braided it equally.
Two fat plaits
Hung as even as my stare.

When I was nine
And the hairbrush was my foe
Wild curls entwined
Personality defined.
Hair tangling
Faster than it could grow.

When I was fifteen
And hair hit the salon floor
I just wanted to be seen
So dyed it pink, blue and green.
Hair chopped short
Little girl no more.

Now I'm twenty-three
No longer in the nest
My parting is messy
And my braids escapee.
A hairy reminder
That mother knows best.

Looking into your eyes;
Clear and glassy, a beautiful blue
Why did I have to meet you?
I would have preferred never meeting you
That way I’d have nothing to regret
Now that you’re only a memory I can’t forget
Why couldn’t I stay strong?
Why couldn’t I have kept fighting?
I’ll tell you why… I’m weak
And now I’m left here alone feeling ***** inside
I’m hiding behind a smile now
I’m no longer an innocent little girl
Why did you have to strip me of my innocence?
This guilt is like a worm, eating away at my insides
Even though I’m still a ******
You took away my purity
LEAVE ME ALONE!
Disappear from my life please!
My innocence was like a blanket
And now you ripped it off of my body
I’m now standing here alone, naked and cold
No matter how hard I try to hide it…
I can’t find a way to cover the rawness you left me with
God help me find peace!
I need Your unfailing grace and love
Wash away my filth and make me new
I Beg You!

A friend asked me how I always managed to stay so happy
                    And my immediate thought was 'they think I'm happy?'

So I start to think how I can be so depressed
               Yet appear so happy
While pondering this misconception
           My thoughts stumble and stutter to a stop
                                         I seem to have a road block in my mind
                                urging me to turn around and never look back
                      So obviously I surge forward and find
            A wall that I have built in my head that is clearly labeled
"THINGS TO PRETEND AREN'T HAPPENING: BEWARE"
       This strikes my interest even more.

So I step forward....

As soon as I near the wall it starts to rumble and shake
I reach forward and lay a hand on the wall
                           The stones
                                   start
                                               to
                              fall
                         And the sturdy wall
                         Starts
                                                   to
                           Crumble

and the memories surge forward
A tidal wave of suppressed stress, and pain

Is this what it's like to drown?

How much of my life don't I remember?
How much of those forgotten things can I actually handle?

Is this what it's like to drown?

These memories range from minor to major
And I have no time to sort through them
As they continue to assault me
I can't breathe

Is this what it's like to drown?

I hear a voice say 'hey are you okay? You don't have to answer me.'

I look at my friend who asked such a simple question
      and received such a complex response
             and manage to gasp out

'This is what it's like to drown'