half blindness
and all bitter
a squeeze
holding on so tightly

singing in a wail of tears
lies you told
Or overcome
in debt to your self

pain and sorrow
dont ****
passion and love do

lust and hate
tear you down

I was a Paramedic
I saved lives
Prolonged great inevitable grief
Witnessed the grotesque miracle of unexpected birth
And the ****** it brings
Sat on my *** became complacent
And depressed
Forgot to put into what was being taken from me
Over and over
I worked and came home to silence and destitude
I craved the excitement like a ******* would payday
I worked with the greatest personalities people that wouldn't back down
I had no gun
No hero complex
I used to be a Paramedic

I've limped through another
day
weeK
birth
I got scars to feel especially when they're burned

limited in imagination
sparking only when I
*******
die
start my car

I get high now, again
it makes little to no sense
television
cold spells
online video games
my lighter works
I believe in purification
Ill try to achieve the heights of my imagination
again I try
sometimes twice a day

its in me
dark
feral
scared

closed door
black out curtains
blacked out medicines

strong
overwhelming
limited imagination

i give in
to you

shes my enemy
every time i see her coming
she tries to **** me

yeah alright shes my enemy
she sneaks up blade in hand
wanting that steel in me

pretend to dance around
shell go off and try to
make me forget

but yeah alright
shes my enemy
we spin each other
around and around

when i see her next time
dont say a word
cause im gonna creep
up on her

get her with my steely blade
watch her like she did me
as love from my eyes fade

It aint the same everwhere
I know it took a man
To stand and stare
Down them gallows
In Zebullon county square

Lil Mae
age of 21  
saw her man with another
moaned
"I'm gonna make you pay"

now  some of you wanna say

"Lil Mae get a gun make that man pay"
To mad to see
to hurt to care
Lil Mae stormed her way down to
Zebullon county square.

Bobby Lee wasn't  a simple man
to proud to be dumb
could read and write
Yet he never let no one know

Bobby Lee workin late
bumped into a drunk,
back on that old alley

Bobby Lee took a beating by four whites
the blood poured out into the streetlight

Soon enough the sheriff came a runnin
"whats the matter here!!"
white men shouted
"the boy had it coming, he took my money
try to **** me, sheriff I had to do something!!"

12 days later 12 men had a shine
sentenced ***** Lee to hang
Saturday morning half past nine
sun be coming up behind him
so his shadow
would grow tall on that line.

Sun rose cool that day
Folks lined up to watch Ol
Bobby Lee pay.

Soon they all began to scatter
preacher man shouted
'"whats a matta"
Lil Mae had come with blade readied
for her last stand

"Preacher man" Lil Mae shouted
"you goin to hell, no doubt about it"
"Im gonna send you there by my hand."
silver plated blade glistened in the sky

"lord my soul , dont let me die!"

Blood sank  from the preachers throat
Lil Mae watched  til his last choke

Crowd screamed "NO!!" but it fell on Gods deaf ears

"Lil Mae" came her mans voice
"why you do it?"
She reckoned "I had no choice"
"I love you but you put me to it.
you and this preacher man ripped me apart."
Lil Mae's man stood in the middle of the square
tears draining life, sobs stealing air......

Bobby Lee innocent as he was
unwrapped his noose
and slowly walked away

Lil Mae stood her ground on them gallows
but it gave way
half pass nine
she fell in line
the sun made her shadow tall
dead before her body
went through the gallows fall

Sinning in a world that
let's it all get by
closed off when morals
ran dry.
Death all around celebrated
in streets
*****
Tortured
Cleaned
For the 24 hour cameras
I set up my living room staring into HD nirvana
moved away from the faces buried in blue
I give in to what
Wall Mart
Axe deodorant
Xbox
Tell me to do.
Sinning in a world that forgot how to care
shipping out immigrants
we watch our death on the air.

Something like octane
distant
profane

It's a longing
believing in belonging
taken by the need
salivating from memories

Something like octane
burning
insane

Resonating shouts of joy
spark controversy
Bipartisan all of us beset
By greed for what we ***

Something like octane
charged
heart engorged

Theres this old lady
With only one shoe
She has a hundred cats who
Always follow her,
She doesn't know what to do.

They make such a fuss
She can only mumble and cuss
Calico and Tabby
They chase out all
The silence in her alley


Fed up she sliced off there paws

Silence is golden......
Thats gods law

woeful and absorbed
slowly dissolved
passing by blinded

out of my mind
one sided
dehydrated drive
lost all momentum

I still play with my **** to much...

probably

I ran into an old friend
styled brunette hair
fire engine red lipstick
rose blouse open to
possibilities
white capris and.....
flip flops

we hugged and exchanged
pleasantries
caught up with another
we walked away.

no second glances
no look back at a
shaking ***

she used to *******
so....
no goodbye kisses either
It had been two years
since I had seen her

It was a cool southern morning
The afternoon would be sweltering

what you've given
you'll never receive

your sacrifice
the preservation
a lineage of wonder
created

adoration and loyalty
respect from kindness

we your sons look to you mother
for your wisdom
vision
trust
guidance

comfort us in desperation
take away the pain of confusion
nurture us to be men

when all we want is to be
mommas boy
forever ....

Answering prayers
is easier than sticking
it out
Blessed be thee
and on the run
to the next sucker who'll
Fall
flat
short
pancaked
Face down in his own
grovelling

Keep the **** to yourself
If AIDS, genocide, starvation
never got his attention
The girl of your dreams
never will matter.

men fight for what they
see. touch. taste. smell
we grasp. fix. restore. repair


most are strong enough to endure
physical pains aches. diseases
without a hint of complaint

some are quiet never speak out
inside hoping their actions speak louder

men do not have the features
that make women beautiful
there are no smooth edges
there are no shapely thighs. *******

god did not bless man
god gave him woman

to ponder
to investigate
to protect
to engage

i hope she never makes us stop

They danced
gods praised them
fire lit burning high
flames embraced the dark sky
engulfing the moon and
swallowing all who played

women marked for ceremony
white passion making new
beginning a life without a past
vowing "I do"

Raging wars never cease
no bed or room offers peace
anger guilt lust betrayal
all behind solid walls
eat away
pride then the fall

getting back up on their feet as
another fire lights
dance and let go
of the lifelong chance

passing in glance
eyes see the deciet
heart pumps the shame
guilt warms the flesh
lust takes over
and the burning consumes you again.

I may be fairly intelligent
But its ignored... I don't use it
You may think me reasonably handsome
So far all I have done is abuse it..

My blinders are my nativity and I'm not secure
I play a role... the reasons I am not sure
Acting out my life denying I have control
my auto pilot is evil but still i let him go.

Im trapped and see it all closing in
Lights fade
Love is grey
As I smile wickedly through the end.

Bound by the timing
And constraints of a woman
I wait
Until I can no longer see
They all do it

Lust is a woman's invention

I almost became alien
needing to return home
walked away with everything I went in with...
not happy just prolonged
seas of mystery and unfamiliarity

I fell through a mossy cleft
deep and well traversed
I gave up poisoned
believing that was the worse
what I deserved
nothing never owed only due

I was alien
Long ago
fighting an old hatchet wound

Sun is brightest in the day
when her eyes don't shine
gets darker and grey
because shes not mine
she tries but doesn't understand the
gravity she holds
smile across her lips
corrupts a mans soul

Oh but the way she loved
Oh but the way she loved

She's getting her way whether she wants it or not
Making men weak with the pout of her lips
Shes just the way she wants to be

Oh the way she loved
Oh the way she loved

She loved me more than could be said
Wrecked my heart without intent
Lying here mostly dead
Craving what I had
She can't
No I cant
She can't
Not like she did with me
Oh the way she loved me

mostly nothing works out
giving in to change
Personality
Direction
Doubt

dimensionless and self providing
we end up becoming more greedy
simple in our dying.

I hope for sake of
Love
Lust
Pleasantries
conclusions can be met

but we both know hardly anything works out.

I should write I know because I think of it  constantly.
but I give up or give in to quickly
distracted by nothing and lazy and quick to complain to myself
it's all **** and I can't care like before
it doesn't help me anymore

I haven't suffered recently
I haven't created conflict or destroyed love
I have slept with a ******* and ignored it to flaccid contempt
maybe it'll grow back

I was never taught to be A father
As a child we played sports, army, and competed
so that we didn't get smeered by the queer.
I had a dad and a step dad but I didn't know either one very well.
They taught me to run and hide and hit and beat there problems (me)

I never looked up to anyone I knew a sports figure on the TV
doing what I wanted to do.
No clue or ambition to part knowledge to someone else I would've been ok.
But I met a girl who wanted to play house when it was time I gladly obligated
Myself and made her mine.
And inevitably it came and one day we had something else. Something. More something greater than ourselves combined.
And not knowing what the **** to do I had a son I had someone to look up to.
Give my life meaning and purpose where I had hid and shadowed away
All that disdain from my child hood days.
I learned how to be father while barely becoming a man and now that Ash has his brother Wesley I don't know why I got so lucky.
Me and the girl may not survive to much adult ******* can't run away from that or hide.
But as strong as I have had to become I weaken with there resolve and marvel at how they are to become.
They will be great and they will meet someone to love
I will smile because I know I gave that to them even when I felt like I had none.
I am a father, a dad, a man with two sons. I regret nothing that I did to make this path.

Uninteresting **** people
making bad choices
Walmart at 430 am
milk on a hot day
unwashed for days ******* still

One ant always bigger than another
Still we wait to squash or to be
I'm supposed to accept you while
Still You do whatever it is you please
still trash
still shady
I can't get away so I lay still
calmly building up rage
violence
angry ***
hair pulling
choking
still not letting go

Its a waste still I carry on
with whatever I please, still.

a flashing glance
eyes locked in place
moistened lips
readying to find a home

you trust in the space
thats being closed in on
nothing turning into a touch
an action into attraction

some chances youll
never have again
mistakes youll
do over and over

it grows
the anticipation
space closing
closer
closer

loneliness
lust
fear
desire

doom us all to love

And I'm gone
Blinking out of sight
Close to not existing at all
Pressured to a point of stale reminder
I cease
Left with memories
Oh of how i used to be
Lightening quick and thunder loud
I'm out of  mind
Decimated
Tortured
To proud to shout
Whispers fading to silence

again
and
again

you owe me money
you stole my peace

i dont know what to do
so i drink and take her pills
but she shares and accepts
that all i want
is to drown my thoughts

days it works
nights i slay insomnia
and embrace amnesia
six hours later....
dawn breaks and it starts
all over again

i could use the money back
sitting on the couch
gets expensive and depressing

and the other ***** took
everything away from me too....

again

the kingdom come
no one survived
we lost and now
pay an eternal grudge
for free will
an apple
rotting fruit
broken
for Now on

we follow over the falls
the edge always the next step
soft sheets
womanly warmth
and sweet remembrance

we still lost and can't come back

When i was a boy, i wanted to be a politician
i dreamt of changing the world with ideas
Common and fair to us all

quickly i learned i could not play ignorant
and turn away from what was right.
reading and studying the bible
taught me that.

i could not place myself trodden along
silent while others created war
over reasons as believable
as a thousands year old
game of telephone.

No one likes an actual smart ***
at least Sandy, my teacher from Sunday youth school.

In search for a median to release
questions
tensions
angst
sufferance

I fell in love.....quickly
blindly leaving destruction
mostly my own
behind
only to get
shrapnel
peppering my soul
over and again.

Only the loves i ****** over
Made my life feel worth while.
Not because i was a Narcissus
I truly loved to the end
And trying to fix me.

Thats why now i wanna be... me

Find out what that ****** can do.

Ive let you in over and over
trusted in what was said
seeing as how I love you

Now I grow tired of it all
breaks my mind
from a sound sleep, I'll  never to get back

Trusted what you've said so many times
It nauseates me to know
I have done it again
Same tricks
Same lies
Same speech

Fallen for you and I know I always will
The deception will never cease
And I should be used to it by now

It is hard living with myself

I got all i need
and i dont care
for anymore
your success
invaded
my failure

no measure for time
spinning wheels
gaining no ground
love draggin me down
in regret
in denial

i could grow and show
you how worthy
i am

but there would
not be a ripple
a stumble
or
second glance

ive grown used
to getting around
unnoticed
unwatched

curves of nastiness
devastation sets in
greetings from afar
settling in a newer friend
familiar
quaint
impossible

tones of a loved ones fear
striking against the plane of eternal nothing
its nirvana
its fleeing
its to painful

I got notes on how to get by
ive watched others do it
lies
all the time
Without reason

In time  it will all come about
whispers
grow quiet
whispers fading out
Love
Love
Gets no return
Pale in a dark place
the moon sets
another day like today has begun
Slouching with shoulder high
endure
endure
evolve
Go now to hell
take me
take us all.

Devil down in the swamp
firing up a brew
gonna burn
as she goes down
gonna burn in you

That devil she snakes
her way around
snakes her way thru town
she ain't evil she's just a woman
That devil snakes around

One morning one good man
find himself slipping
no good come from it
now he's waiting
for a sip or two.

One good man woke up one morning
now devil done turned him around.

Oh that devil done snaked around
the last good man in town
coiled him under and made him
go down.
Oh that devil she took the last good man in town

But then again what a mighty sweet angel when she go down.

That grain
That grit
The stain
Looks like ****
That was a life waiting on love

That thought I think
Whenever I pour, pull, splash
A drink is mine and its perverse
And small sometimes it builds
Mostly though it falls
Because I'd rather be drunk than creative

A glance in a moment
A chance in a flash
Never realised because it takes to long
To be open and accepting
what is honesty but faith
Scary to admit your
Secrets
Desires
Are to weird to be voiced
Sometimes its easier to let go
**** in your mouth
Choking on the juices as they flow
Going along with procreation
To terrified to turn off the pleasure

Ill measure out another shot pour it out
And take the bottle
Easier, less stress of trying to know if I want more
I'll just take it

Perhaps there'll be another to  take its place.... soon.

Life
Love
Happiness
Solitude
All come and go
Stick with us
Alienate...

What a blessing
What a curse
Shameful how we feel alone
Isolated
On our own
Even when someone is near
Lovely face
Older now
Lovlier still.

We don't control time or fate
Only our choices
They'll decide how long we

Breath
Laugh
Suffocate.

You are the smile
that make my lips
quiver
The tears I shed
just as I watch you
from across the room.
My voice is in you
and I will command you
to echo it with..

Love
Kindness
Truth
Understanding

Just as I gave you
Your life
Mine grows within you.
You will be forever
My best friend
My Champion

Do not dwell on mistakes
I have made
forge your own
And know my sons
Your mistakes have no consequences
On the true love of your mother

i want to reach up
choke myself
but everything is dead
from the neck up

stuffed away and never
want to remember

all i got is memories

no breath
no blood flow
no life or want for

dead from the neck down

a growing warmth
sweating

eyes shut by concrete sleep
dreaming

soft touch at first giving rise
hunger

moist pressure and firm grip
stretching

mounting tensions
pressure of the awaiting day

a mouth
a hand
lips of my love

greet me this way

it gave us power
it prohibited our empathy

growing older
growing deeper

rage
raging
limitless

we all conceive a different perception
of truth
of life

to accommodate
what we've been
through

then lies
to accommodate
what we've done

its satisfaction either way.

Its peril to use someone
they always use you back....
so expect it to drain
you low

And when you get there
baby theres company
company all around you

suffocating
terrorising
comforting

When you use another
expect to get used too
when you get lost
look up theres always company

I'm lonely
but not looking for pity
I'm down
but don't need to look up

Tomorrow I'll be happy
Tomorrow I'll be strong


I've given in on figuring which

Jealous of the rest of you
seemingly worry free.

Am I the only one

You were born and your father wept
begged the deity above all
to let you feel his love

On knees he bent and broke
for the smile that would come across
your face innocent and pure

Made you feel like a princess
around shambles
because he always wanted better for you

When time passed as uncontrollably as it does
he gave you distance and respected the change
As you became wise to being a woman.

Still loving and idolising
His laws became strict and confining
And you would rebel
For years that saw no end.

Love conquers us all
Makes us weak and trivial.

And now dear Mother
See it in your sons face
and let it remind you

There are no fathers made
Unless a mother loves us.

there's always expectations
when you have limitations
all their eyes
turn towards you
when time has run out

and no one will let us out
and no one will let me out

she's not willing
she just wants
a soul and human feelings
and when she has what she wants
the others still are waiting

and no one gets away
and no one negotiates

when you finally heal
all you have is another day
the expectations crush you
and limit what you have to say

she walked away
oh yeah
but she don't leave

staying and taking
her sweet time
feedin on me

i dream
of flying away
chasing the sun

but before the mornin come
shes back again

man yeah she left
but she aint gone
takin her sweet time

devil in me
big as the space
emptied

runnin round
tryin to catch her
but yeah lord she
done left and gone

takin my sweet time
just to move along

I can't remember if I had *** last night
I'm in my under wear
and she.....well she is beside me.
I don't remember there being any
soft kisses or heart felt embrace.
I don't remember any demons taking over
and violating her face.
She sleeps soundly though and moans
When my **** brushes her thigh.
She lays her head upon my chest
and kisses me there.
I dare not wake her because she may remember
and out into the rain I go...
Sleep for now
Dream for later
She stirs, turns and makes herself comfortable.
And she sits her *** sweetly onto my **** growing
She wiggles against  and moans once more ...
A memory perhaps
But about last night I am not sure.

another night slept
painlessly and burden free
induced by knockout meds
and  blacked out by
by beer wine or Jamesons
That combination is ******
on a saturated soul

but as ease of sleep surrenders
to perpetual Apollo and his rights
i woke......

now with sadness i have
to be productive
be active
be society

and while awake i
have never succeeded
like in sleep
eluding dreams of her.

to eat an apple poisoned
is life...
we will do it and never know
its bitter taste
until it makes you sick

sick of
love
***
need
wants
loneliness
and what the hell ever is the
opposite of that

recovery is not a guarantee
certain pains and grievances
will vary by person

so take your bite
we all have to

dont be a *****

sickly i visited you
wasted i confided
broke i gave in
now broken i realise
enabling myself to make amends
defeatists

share a common trait
common lie
perpetuate what makes us feel
even when we feel different
alone dry and naked
marked for  better
I'll kiss her again
one day....
maybe

never

I have deeds that aren't proud
I have lies they bring me down
Days and nights loving nothing because nothing is in love like me.
I have dreams that get lost in a cloud.

I wish my wishes were true
I have given up on regretting the consequences they'd hold
Left empathy and begging behind
I'll do what I need to get mine
All in time
All in relative space
All done without wondering about your face.

Friends will make assumptions but never seek to rectify
Friends will assume and they begin with a lie.
They're like me but hold onto moral fiber
I admit I'm no good
I admit that I'm a liar.

Who else would do the same.
Those with full loss and no gain.

Take this gold
all away from me now
Planned for peace
settled for luxury and taxing

Gathered where we were when it all fell
waste what was taken
relying on the the mediocre
to sale ideas to the illiterate
The mass that shouts loudest shouts first

No one hears the back doors closing off the escape
Plausible
deniability

I don't need gold anymore

I need the papers properly signed and posted.
Stamped
Dated

I'll take much too much
feed what gold couldn't fill
take from you after you're
Dead and still

This morning proves only one thing
god isn't terribly angry with us just yet.
Or he is really ******* and is making
us suffer longer than we all deserve.

I woke and the woman next to me slept
in peace and somewhat smiling
I didn't feel anything
Just put all my hopes away.

It seems like punishment
bless this as the best day ever.
People, every last dammed one of us... people
different and usually the exact very same.