I may be fairly intelligent
But its ignored... I don't use it
You may think me reasonably handsome
So far all I have done is abuse it..

My blinders are my nativity and I'm not secure
I play a role... the reasons I am not sure
Acting out my life denying I have control
my auto pilot is evil but still i let him go.

Im trapped and see it all closing in
Lights fade
Love is grey
As I smile wickedly through the end.

I never liked jazz until I met you.
My first real girlfriends name was Maria, she was my first kiss.
When I met you, I had you confused with your sister until you came over... you wore red.
My timeline for memories are no good. I don't remember when certain things happened. A year ago can be 5 or vice versa. I'm not sure I want to make memories with someone else.

Uninteresting **** people
making bad choices
Walmart at 430 am
milk on a hot day
unwashed for days ******* still

One ant always bigger than another
Still we wait to squash or to be
I'm supposed to accept you while
Still You do whatever it is you please
still trash
still shady
I can't get away so I lay still
calmly building up rage
violence
angry ***
hair pulling
choking
still not letting go

Its a waste still I carry on
with whatever I please, still.

sickly i visited you
wasted i confided
broke i gave in
now broken i realise
enabling myself to make amends
defeatists

share a common trait
common lie
perpetuate what makes us feel
even when we feel different
alone dry and naked
marked for  better
I'll kiss her again
one day....
maybe

never

curves of nastiness
devastation sets in
greetings from afar
settling in a newer friend
familiar
quaint
impossible

tones of a loved ones fear
striking against the plane of eternal nothing
its nirvana
its fleeing
its to painful

I got notes on how to get by
ive watched others do it
lies
all the time
Without reason

In time  it will all come about
whispers
grow quiet
whispers fading out
Love
Love
Gets no return
Pale in a dark place
the moon sets
another day like today has begun
Slouching with shoulder high
endure
endure
evolve
Go now to hell
take me
take us all.

I was a Paramedic
I saved lives
Prolonged great inevitable grief
Witnessed the grotesque miracle of unexpected birth
And the ****** it brings
Sat on my *** became complacent
And depressed
Forgot to put into what was being taken from me
Over and over
I worked and came home to silence and destitude
I craved the excitement like a ******* would payday
I worked with the greatest personalities people that wouldn't back down
I had no gun
No hero complex
I used to be a Paramedic

And I'm gone
Blinking out of sight
Close to not existing at all
Pressured to a point of stale reminder
I cease
Left with memories
Oh of how i used to be
Lightening quick and thunder loud
I'm out of  mind
Decimated
Tortured
To proud to shout
Whispers fading to silence

again
and
again