They thought I’d be dead by now
Leaving without a trace
I’ve been gone for so long
That wrinkles stretch my face

They've got me a whole funeral
For that’s what’s understood
Yet I’ve been living off rodents
In my lodge within the woods

No more electricity
Isolation is the way
It’s all those simplicities
That makes me want to stay

I lived like a hermit
Couldn’t stand the abuse
I never trusted anyone
For they’d call me but a recluse

Oil in a cup of water
I can’t blend in
I come out on the top
For the whole world to laugh at me

The only time
I’ll be the same
Is when everything I am
Is underground

I’ve seen just about everything
Under the sun
Yet I cannot imitate
Normal fun

Tell me what I can’t be
A life like mine
It does not seem to fit
Within your mind

People hurt me
I move on
I do not blame them
I’m where I don’t belong

I don’t hate humans
They’ve already won
Where aliens go
There will be none

Tell me what I can’t say
And I’ll prove you wrong
There is no meaning
Without thought

I hate aliens
Yet I am one
When humans know
They tend to run

Spacemen scream
“Don’t look at me”
I’m phoning home
To no reply

That’s what it means
Read it in my eyes
That I am alien
To life’s lies

All your apologies
Mean nothing to me
Your only here because I’m here
There’s nothing else to see

If there was a reason
I’d love to hear it
But all you do and all you say
Comes nowhere near it

I’m on my knees
Facing rejection
Looking through stained glass
I finally see my reflection

Repent and confess
All of your problems
I’ve lost it, lost them
Lost me

Too little people
Roam the land
Questioning things
That most defend

Hang the gallows
Distort the truth
Extort the money
Corrupt the youth

Most ignore it
As false prophets do
The communication
Of ignorant fools

Among the few
Who oppose the many
We wonder who’s left
Or even if any

We continue to try
Yet we know it’s too late
Now and forever
All for the state

Lock the door with yourself inside
There’s no one home
You’ve done this many times

Take out the same old blade
Encrusted in your crimson guise
You’ll never truly be the same
You know things never change

Scattered bloodied tissues
Meticulous, deliberate
Purposeful and keen

Your blade is dull
Your cup, overflowing
You’ve never gone this far before
You’ve rendered life annul

Eleven minutes fly by like hours
Until one brave man sat down
Too bad he got picked to die

Applause!
More like pleading
Applause!
My hands are bleeding
Applause!

The clap came and went
The repetition made repent
The letters that I sent
Were open by that man again

Applause!
More like pleading
Applause!
My hands are bleeding
Applause!

What we have as a leader
A dictatorship demeanor
I could never leave her
‘Cause our country makes us cleaner

I’ll never get up again
I’ll never love again
I’ll never see the end
I’ll never live again

No one ever tries to visit
I thought I’d never really lose it
All my calls for help unanswered
All the nurses hold me ransom

The longer I live on these grounds
The more debt will come around
So I beg for euthanasia
Yet they kept me here for years now

I can’t get up
I **** in a cup
I’ve already given up
On trying to live it up

Bent truths
You win, you lose
It ain’t you
So go loose

I’ll bid it all
My house and my cars
My family won’t love me
If I come back with scars

When I lose, I count down
Count down on my arm
So that way I’ll know
When I’ve gone too far

Sleeves of sorrow
Drenched in blood
You’ll never catch me
Disowning my scars

You’ll win it all
Says the man in the suit
Just stare into these eyes
Or you’re gonna cry

Like a blind man to his wife
All he can do is pray she’s by our side
And in this way I believe in Christ
And bear my cross in life

Her sightless spouse believes she’s beautiful
And as marvelous as the sun
And in this way I believe in God
And await his judgement call

And the unseeing groom believes she’s innocent
As gracious and pure as a dove
And in this way I believe in the Ghost
Which guides us from above

The husband doesn’t know what she sees in him
Yet there she is, to tuck him in
And in this way I believe that I
Can be made worthy of that place in the sky

And like the all-seeing bride who sits by his side
And wipes the tears off from his eyes
Yet unbeknownst to him
When he cries she cries

Like Jesus wept for Lazarus
And Mary wept when Jesus left
But he came back with open arms

And he’ll come again
When all’s been said
In the fullness of our time

Dragged down by the dirt and the trees
Buried in a tomb of my fears
Trapped inside a forest of tears

I’ve lost my way
Went too far off the trail
The howling of wolves
And the loss of a sail

I’m running away
Lacking food or a drink
Resorting to bugs
I’m beginning to sink

The deeper I go
The less I’ll know
Carving a knife
With a stick and a stone

No communication
No final goodbye

I’ll feed myself to the wolves
Till I’m nothing but bone

Here they come
There is no goodnight
I’ll say my goodbye
‘Cause I’m gonna die

Light my past on fire
Throw it all in the pit
Like the one in my stomach
It’s pleading to be lit

You could pawn it off
But that won’t make it go away
You could throw it out
But it’ll be there the next day
To pull it out again

Dust it off
Wipe away the gunk
Put it back on the shelf
Stare at the piles of junk
Burn it all for good

I may seem tall, but I’m dying
And I’ll die quicker than the short ones
And I know it doesn’t matter
Once your on the floor screaming

So check your hair in the mirror
Hope that no one sees you trying
And I can’t pull this off on my own
And I’ll never pull the trigger

Well neither will they
‘Cause they’re not impatient
So carve out your time
Into brief condemnations

And punch a hole in the ceiling
And climb up through the cracks
And you know you shouldn’t be here
But you know you won’t be long

So close your eyes, there’s no difference
You can’t see in the dark
Just walk around in a circle
And you’re right back at the start

So fall through the hole in the floor
And collapse down on the ground
And you know you should’ve never left
‘Cause you knew you wouldn’t belong

Well now that your back where you started
Where you always knew you’d never fit in
You kept your eyes wide just to cry
You didn’t care when they stumbled on your tears

Well they never cared either
‘Cause you’re not their patient
So write the screenplay
To your own destination

And you know if you fight to the death
A part of you will die
Whether it’s you on the inside
Or the movie on the outside

So put a hole in your skull
And here it comes
You know you’re not the one
To lose the plot and turn the TV off

But I will not hurt you
But I might desert you
Just like I said
And just like you’ve done

And I’m gone
It only hurt a minute
But I’ve felt worse things
In the rough draft of the ending

Roll all the credits
All the names of the people who crossed me
All the names of the people I’ve crossed
And I knew it all along
I sold my script to a director

This was my destiny and destination
It couldn’t happen any different
I never was a fan sequels

Well I fell through the hole that I kicked in
I dug my grave with the devil
Well it looks like I’m going to hell
I wish they didn’t add a scene after the credits

They’ll put you in a cage
With butterfly bandaids
You can try to escape
But with broken wings you’ll stay

They’ll hold you there until you’re better
If you get worse they’ll restrain you further
None of this made sense with time
I’m no one’s threat but mine

With each turn of the page
It’ll make you enraged
You can try to stay sane
But with books and poems you’ll hate

They’ll hold you there until you’re better
If you get worse they’ll restrain you further
None of this made sense with time
I’m no one’s threat but mine

The world is just a bigger cage
With people just as bad and deranged
I cannot ever seem to escape
With all of my actions caught on tape

As your bandaids fall
And as time seems to stop
You realize you’re never free
Until you’re dead and deceased

I never hurt anybody else
I never hurt a soul
I never hurt the ones I loved
The ones that never learned to love me

I keep a diary
Sealed with tears from my eye
The chronicles of chronic pain
Only proves that I should die

I go to blink
And every time I do
I feel the pain that I once felt
When my eye was stabbed right through

And I spy
With my one eye
A gun on the kitchen table
That I’m not afraid to use

So I write my final entry
And I do it all preeminently
To replace the diary with the gun
I know that it will not be fun

Here I am in my stiff bed
Here I lay my uncomfortable head
No place I’d rather be instead
Where else absorbs the tears I shed?

Snot crusts and blood dries
Nowhere else I’d rather cry
I call out to no one
Receiving no reply

Panic swells and tires out
As my eyes suffer from drought
I cascade into slumber
Relieving every doubt

Here I wake in my stiff bed
Here I lay my uncomfortable head
No place I’d rather be instead
Where else absorbs the tears I shed?

I know you did it to yourself
And now you’re in hell
But today I must say
That I won’t wish you well

A requiem for a suicide?
You know he’s not going to heaven
Why bother lying to yourself?
Just give up this pretending

It doesn’t matter who wronged him
It’s no one’s fault but his
Let’s bury this deep within
And forget about his past existence

As a pastor, I’m not to decide
But in the end you’d rather hide
I’ll hide behind the veil of God
And doing so things won’t go so wrong

Why would you believe
That he’d be in a better place
If you know so well
He shot himself in the face

He knows the consequence
I know ‘cause I taught him
I wish that you’d go away
It’s not like you tried to stop him

You act like a beetle
In a barn at some farm
Feeding off things
That I won’t recall

All memories lost
In a couple of years
Now all you know
Is living off fear

Some say you’re worthless
Some say in need
But all that I could do
Is nod in indeed

The worst insult of all
And nobody knows
What it could’ve meant
When you climbed up the walls

This may be cryptic
But there’s nothing here
In a thousand years
You’ll be yet a sneer

Crawling with my own two hands
I’ve got no legs, no strings attached
Hands sifting through grains of sand
It was never ours anyway

Crawl out of the wreckage
Hope they got our message
Maybe they were reckless
Yet still I hold my necklace

For the love of God
This was never fair
I’ll never walk again
I have no wheelchair

Pray my way back home
There’s no time left to roam
Apply the pressure
Stop the bleeding
Yet now my vision’s fading

Is all this blood a mirage?

I’ll never be content
And I’ll never be happy
There’s nothing left of me
All but distant memories

I’ve reached a dead end
I’ve reached a terminal hault
Looking down at the abyss
There’s only one way out

I’m falling off the edge to an end
I’ve gone so far just to lead to dead-ends
Passing on to the unknown through liminal ways
All I can say is I never really wanted to stay

I don’t know what’s ahead
I don’t know what’s below
But one thing is for sure
I’ll be the one that goes

Going on my nighttime walk
I find a freshly squashed dead moth
It reminds me of my impending doom
Yet I continue my walk
And disregard the moth
And thus fall back into my cocoon

Maybe when I grow old
I’ll be scared and cold
But tonight I’m just a sickly snail
Right now I’m not old
And I’m warm not cold
I guess I’m just one big fail

Why must I hide the truth
And conform to you
I’m nothing but a grain of sand
Why can’t I ignore the truth?
And pretend that I’m of my youth
By now I’m just a sad old man

Why must I live through medication?
Why can’t I live with my temptation?
To give up on prescription drugs
And live life as it was

Why can’t I find a normal way
To get through the day
Without draining away
In insufferable pain?

Why can’t I eat like I used to?
When I wanted to
Just looking at food
Makes me want to hurl

Wasting away to get through the day
It’s nothing but pain, just to stay sane
I don’t want to die old and afraid
Just let me be me and make me insane

The products of a marriage
Divided against themselves
The children split in half
Between two separate houses

The children are the dividend
The half-lives of divorce
No one wants to admit
That they are not at fault

They will never deserve this
Flopped dead like a fish
Evening out the bruises
As a means to an end

Caught up in logistics
They’ll never really know
The reason of divorce
Is nothing but their own

Let the kids down
Let the kids pout
Let the kids drown
Let the kids out

Sometimes I cry myself to sleep
And I count scars instead of sheep
And I have nightmares when I’m sleeping
But I don’t weep until I’m thinking

Maybe if I lived in dreams
I wouldn’t be alive on the other end
“Dream big or go home” they say
Well I wish I had a place to call home

Believe me when I tell you
I hate every hour I’m awake
I don’t have anything to sell you
I know **** well I’m a mistake

Well I have a dream
It’s the big dream
And I want mine gone
I want it erased

I’ve got to save the girl that I betrayed
I’ve got to lie to her so I can get my ways
I’ve got to change her perception or she will doubt
But if she finds out then I’ll come crashing down

I know you want to help
And I know you’re dying to
But there is no escape
I know you’re trying to

I’ve got to save the man that he’s become
I’ve got to make amends or he’ll be done
I’ve got to change his world or he’ll fall apart
But if he won’t budge then I’ll join his run

I know I won’t forget
But yet I’m trying to
It is my worst regret
But I am dying too

Falling through the sky, it’s just us
You and I, we can trust
Goodbye to the living
No time left for our forgiving

That face, I suppose
Nothing’s what I propose
Another sudden lie
Another weighted die

No conviction to speak of
Yet your lips still move
And nothing is true
Nothing is you

Whatever I thought you knew
You never knew
And I was a fool
To think you’d forgot

Everything is loose
Even the noose around your neck
Because there’s always a catch
I put a lock on your escape hatch

Finally lost it
In the middle of class
I guess it was the straw
That broke the camel’s back

I throw my chair
Through the window
Nothing matters
I jump out with it

Second floor was not so bad
I survived and now I’m glad

Expulsion was the price
Of and for my wasted life
I cannot wait to be alone
I’ll live my life without a home

I’m falling behind
Slipping into lost space
I’m losing my mind
I cannot escape

I wish someone would pave the way
But they never do
I wish I’d have something to say
But I never do

I’ll drag them down with me
If no one will help me
I’ll bring them down with me
To a place they call hell

I’m a troubled man
With many fears
But falling behind
Seems the most dear

Everyone’s running
In this race we call life
They run their way retirement
While I walk backwards
Into primitive crimes

Throw my life into the fire
Watch it burn like funeral pyre
Beneath the mud within the mire
Watch me sink into barbed wire

Over the fence and around the bend
It’s almost like I’m at wits end
Without family or a friend
It’s almost like it’s all pretend

Wish away what makes me sane
Why should I need to explain
The ways in which I live in vain
Existence is a terminal bane

Fireplace, the place for me
It’s not for you, just wait and see
Watch my clothes burn quietly
My last words might not surprise me
Yet it’ll leave you in ruins

Space cadet
Commander’s gone
Captain logs
“Another’s lost”

Wish we could erase
Our history
Why can I not trace
Your misery

With soap in your eyes
It stings
You cop a disguise
But still sing

Foaming at the mouth
In a park on the moon
Running at pigeons
They’re leaving so soon

Wish we could erase
Our past
Why such a distaste
In life lived at half-mast

A foamy beverage soothes you
While momentary loss consumes you
There’s nothing left
Nothing to do

I have forbidden thoughts
I want to act on them but won’t
Does that still make me wrong
Or am I just as bad as them?

I plead not guilty
Because I never did it
But am I still wrong?
To want to admit it

Impulse tells me to do things
I’d never want on my own
But the longer I hold back
The harder it gets to forget

Forbidden thoughts fly in my head
Like a fish that jumped the fence
Flush the fish and flush the thought
That you just killed another one

For as long as I remember
You’ll still be known
But once I meet a similar fate
You’ll be thought of as a waste of space

Live to forget
Learn to forgive
Live to forget
Die in regret

You’re life was nothing special
But you meant the world to me
But once you’re gone forever
There’s nothing else to see

Live to forget
Learn to forgive
Live to forget
Die in regret

I don’t want you to be forgotten
But there’s no one else who cares
No one wants to be lost to time
Yet the same can’t be said for me

Something about the way
The cut goes from white to red
I can’t help but stay
As the blood fills the crevices

Drooling pools into the sink
I remember it so vividly
When scabs turn into scars of pink
Then white again

Oh, what will they think if they find out?
They’ll think I’m back in that place again
The place where I don’t want to live
A place where there’s nothing more to give

I remember searching for the rope
Reminiscing all the ways I used to cope
I seem to be fixated evermore
On breaking skin but not the core

Why can’t I be happy and still cut?
Why can’t they just keep their mouths sewn shut?
There just isn’t any more that I can do

I get so bored I think I’m going to come full circle once again

Gone are the days
That I wouldn’t change
Gone are the ways
That I could have changed
Gone are my friends
Who got through the day
Gone is my hope
That kept me from pain

It’s too late to make amends
My insignificant life is at wits end
I can’t get up from off my bed
I can’t believe it’s all in my head

The memories live through me
By the scars of irresponsibility
They all come back to haunt me
Yet again

The idea of being too far gone
Never able to return
Return to what? I don’t know
A blissful ignorance cannot be the only way to go

What are my actions but knee-**** reactions to the outside world?
What’s in the mirror is the face of something I don’t know
For nothing settles long enough for anything but fear to show

I lost myself in trying to find others
I lost my mind in trying to make sense of life
And now time is my best friend
Until the day I look back and realize that time was the one who sunk the knife in

Wasting away
One loss at a time
It’s been a long time since I could remember why I can’t just die

And I won’t so I can’t just yet
I’ll just have to wait it out
Either way, I don’t know if I’d be able to look back and not feel vandalized

Say goodnight
To the moon and the stars
Say goodbye
To the pain and the scars

Do you want to be remembered
as a thief?
Would you hate to be forgotten
In your sleep?

You can cry all you need
‘Cause nothing’s guaranteed
You can die in your sleep
‘Cause life is but a dream

Why should I believe
Your ever lifeless plead
Why should I have grieved
You’re nothing more to me

I could be . . .
Bleeding out the pain
Trying to stay sane
No need for my remains
With a bullet in my brain

Euthanize me
Just wait and see
I can’t **** me
So do it please

It’s just not fair
To be stuck within
A concluding dream

No respect, no dignity
All neglect, no decency

Spent most of my days
Wishing I would go away
But I’m trapped in this maze
And I’m here to stay

Bruised and burnt
I felt no shame
‘Cause I’ve always known
I’ll never change

My hatred runs strong
I hate all that I’ve done
I’ll always be wronged
‘Til I sing my last song

No decency, all neglect
No dignity, no respect

All for the self

My mind killed itself
But my body remains
The stars shone bright
But I could never find the moon at night

My life’s a broken satellite
Sending cryptic words to nowhere
And then one day I find
The path I’m on leads everywhere but here

Never want to be alone
Cannot seem to be atoned
For they already cast their stones at me

Please stop giving out directions
It’s throwing me off
I’ll find out someday

Please leave your skin at the door
And hang it on a rusty hanger
And lock us in so I can we do no wrong

Don’t let me feast
Don’t leave me be
Never let me out
Please hinder me
And render me for who I am…

Incomplete

You took what you could get
Never gave what was found
You were never one to bet
Yet the gun made your last sound

Although it never was your intention
You were already set to die
In the fire you set
On your castle of lies

So much for inheritance
The one good thing that could derive
From the kind of world you lived in
The one you burnt alive

With nothing to be given
And no family to reprise
You made quite a fortune
Worth nothing when you died

Everything I’ve ever done has led to this moment
This moment in time where I breakdown and cry
Nobody ever seems to care until it’s too late

Hopelessly sleeping and wasting away
Hopelessly dreaming of life not this way
Hopelessly feeding on nothing but pain
Hopelessly living with nothing to say

They mourn for the dead even though they can’t hear
Yet they laugh in the face of those that are here
As if resting in peace is living in hell

Hopelessly sleeping and wasting away
Hopelessly dreaming of life not this way
Hopelessly feeding on nothing but pain
Hopelessly living with nothing to say

Step one foot out the door and dart straight back in
The world is too ****** up to be living in
So I’ll stay in in my room, listing out sins

I do not wish to be forgiven
I do not want to be forgiven
I do not wish to be forgiven
I just want a life worth living

The days roll by
Yet they end in a sigh
Like salt from an hourglass
Upon the wounds of my time

For my heart is bleeding
For the death that’s proceeding
Yet after all of these years
I can’t change my ways

For as long as I’m breathing
My mind will be pleading
For an end to all days
And the passing away

When this day shall end
Another shall rise
So what’s left to do but to cry
‘Til the day that I die

A winter scene
Straight out of a movie
The snow falls down
While the icicles form

I tear one off
And hold it in my hands
I’d shed a tear
But there’s nothing left

The piercing cold
Against my blood
I’m piercing a hole
In my chest to the ground

A winter scene
Straight out of a movie
The snow falls down
While the icicles form

I feed off toxicity
I live off the poison

Cyanide pills from apple seeds
Crush them up, encapsulate
Feed them to your enemies
Or drop it in their drinks

They call it forbidden for a reason
It’s the fruit that never dies
Yet if I crush it up real fine
It’ll make your family cry

They call me Johnny Appleseed
The way I make ‘em feed
Could’ve used a gun
But that would make ‘em bleed

I feed off toxicity
I live off the poison

Watching my life cave in
Never was a pretty sight to see
Record all my pain on tape
And drown it out with TV

I’m not dead
Just not living
Inside my cocoon
It’s never forgiving

Just like the bible said
“People will seek death,
but death will flee from them”
Just be or be condemned

I’m not here
I’m just drifting
Wish I could give up
On life and existing

Just is not enough
Justice never wrongs
It’s just us left
No need to conceal

I’m not okay
There’s nowhere to hide
Can’t escape from this dream
It’s an endless cry

The caterpillar crawls
Leaves its broken shell behind
Slowly but assuredly
It finds some food and hides

Away in a manger
No crib for a bed
The hungry young larva
Sits still and plays dead

Like a caterpillar or a tadpole
Who’s gone before the big break
Never ever knowing anything
They live like small machines

Potential is irrelevant
The second you die
What isn’t is no different
Then what could have been

I want to die without pain
I don’t care that it’s in vain
I can’t stand living in this world
I hope this is the last time

I’m living a nightmare
I’ll condemn myself to hell
Because that’s what I deserve
I hope this is my last life

I’m tired of crying
I’ll confine myself today
I hate watching my tears dry
I hope this is the last time

Why do I have to wait?
We’ll all die sometime!
Why do I have to hate?
Each day of my ****** life!

Thought to be extinct
Their carcasses range a thousand years
If ever seen again
They’d wreak havoc on us all

Lazarus taxonomy
Finally got the best of me
Extinction is but a claim
Yet I call them out by name

We’ll say they’ve come back
But they never really left
All they ever did
Was plot their descent

They’re murderers at heart
Just don’t try to get smart
Let the whole world know
That they’re all gonna die

Extortion through violent means
How could I be so blind
Corruption lies in broken lies
They’re like ticks leaching onto mankind

Simply living is the price
To be a martyr for the truth
When dying is the one escape
They'll **** it and frame it was you

Keep them printing
Watch them squinting
For no one comprehends
A number as big as the one at hand

Meat puppets, watch them joke
It’s all planned out, look through their notes
Who would want to know the truth
When if you did you’d be as dead as the youth

The teens in wars, they don’t know why
All they know is propagated lies

Just don’t let this get to you
There’s nothing you could ever do

The hand that was dealt to me
Is all that I’ve known
I play by the rules and I get no return
Stop putting your dominant left-hand out to be shaken
And at least pretend to look the person in the eyes

I go through the motions
And I learned to care what is normal
In hopes that someone would throw me a bone

All my life I’ve been doing an impression
Of what I thought I’d be like if I fit in
And now whenever someone says to, “just be yourself”
All I can think of is that false version of me
And that the impression I do isn’t even normal
For people still see me as weak

I’m walking on eggshells
Looking like a chicken with it’s head cut off
And then I wonder why I’m avoided

I’ve lied so much
I believe my own lies
Is this some sort of delusion
Or is it my time to die?

I lie to get places
I lie to get in
I lie to my wife
And I lie to the kids

My life’s a facade
I can’t tell who's who
But whatever you know me as
Is everything but true

I can’t tell if I lied
In the time that we’ve spoken
All I know is a story
That is very broken

I’m a killer
I’m a sinner
I’m a loser
Claimed a winner

I’m on the loose
They don’t know the real me
The real me is dead
Backed by lies of my youth

Just as much as the old me
My victims are dead
For I’m the real criminal
Behind all you dread

I’ve lost my appetite
As I sit here alone
No comforting meal
No comfortable soul

I watch those around me
Sit there and chat
While I’m left to fend
For my pathetic self

I’d go on strike
But no one would care
I just don’t feel like eating
While all of them stare

They don’t think much of me
For I show no emotion
But inside I’m screaming
With no single motion

They’ll cast me aside
For I’m a lost cause
All that I’ve lived for
Has been what I’ve cost

I see my reflection
In a much darkened screen
For if anyone saw me
They’d call me obscene