Today I looked in the mirror and realized,
I am not the person I think I am.
I am not the person I've always wanted to be.
I am not the person that I know I seem to be.
Then who am I?
I'm the one who puts my dreams off for tomorrow.
I'm the one who is so busy focusing on yesterdays sorrow.
I'm the friend that wants to be seen as selfless,
when in reality I am selfish.
I'm the friend that wants to be trusted and relied on,
when in reality I'm the one you shouldn't trust at all.
I can barely stand on my own two feet let alone hear about your agony.
Comfort is what I promise to give in your time of need,
in return I gain frustration, disdain, and hate for your somewhat pitiful situations.
In the end,
I have dreams, but lack aspirations.
I have hurts, but lack the will to overcome them.
In the end,
I have no individual identity, but live vicariously through my "friends".

I want you
I want someone to want me
but
you don't want me

please want me

don't!
I'm broken
you don't want a leaky faucet
that
self repairs
with duct tape and silly putty

I'll recite you the backs of cereal boxes
and
throw away the locks on the doors of our common places
I'll keep a smile on mine if your face feels too tired from the weight of what your mind is speaking out your eyes

Everything.
Every string
that hangs off of well worn sweaters
snags on finger nails and pealing calluses.

I'll draw the curtains
if
and ONLY
IF
you first admit that you
are
BEAUTIFUL.
and i know it.

Your doubt should drown.
We'll drink it down.
Sipping wine only to set the scene
because
WE
already ditched our inhibitions
and
we decided that what was best for each other was to feeds each other's needs with the other's body.

This letter.
This note.
To you.
The long lost women of my dreams
the shape shifting goddess
who floats freely through the open windows of my memories.
Will this be enough to summon spirits to lift me to your level without being beaten to life by a trigger happy judge's gavel?

I built my prison to your specifications.
The measurements may be off
but
the bed...
The bed is warm
and cozy.
And
it fills my heart to see your cheeks turn that rosy
rosy red
that same
rosy red
that fills my heart
and
flows through yours.
Kept inside
but
peaking out in moments of vulnerability.
Shed your false
heavy
layers of security
toss them in the water and...

Flush skin of lips and finger tips
other places where my mind can only wander
wondering where in the world we will
meet again.

It's half past ten or some other hour,
I don't know and you don't mind
because
we're alive!
and our heart beats will set the pace
keeping time in place.

THE STORM IS LOUD
MY VOICE
is softer
now...

Okay--

Alright--

*
I'll give you your space{













But
YOU
BETTER FLY.
And NO MATTER HOW HIGH
NOW IS YOUR CHANCE TO SHOW
to TRULY KNOW the color of your wings.

And
I'll continue singing
because
someone else may be listening.
And
although these tears won't quench my thirst
I'm learning more about myself through my time searching
through my ***** laundry:
Bags of rags
and forgotten junior high and high school notebooks.

Failed jokes took to heart
the stinging silence of laughter kept inside.

Broken funny bones
NUMBED by repetition [repetition]
DUMBED down
COMFORTABLE BEING SUBMISSIVE

Well, I'm not sorry
NOT SORRY
to tell you
this mouse
whose mouth you shut is now stirring

Stirring the ***
Kept at temperature
All the right spices and slices and dices to enlighten you as to what the taste of life is.
.............................................................­.................................................
Please sit, here is your chair.
I love what you've done with your hair!
let me know if you would like seconds
but
that depends on if you brought your appetite.
I know I'M Hungary [hungry]
but
I won't slurp my soup if it offends you.

We'll take it slow
because
I know that
I still don't know you that well yet.
And I think we both could cool it down on the unnecessary judgement.
I'd really like to know you well, so I won't try to sell you anything that you're not buying.
And call me out if you think I'm lying, but I promise to be as honest as you want.

But it's a two way street
and I know you're probably tired from running down it so long
in which case I would gladly rub your feet
or your shoulders if you'd like to be a bit more discrete.

However, it still may be too soon for that
in which case I'll take a couple steps back.

Do you like music?
How bout dancing?
It doesn't have to be romantic
I just enjoy the feeling when I'm moving to the rhythm in time with other bodies.

Does you mind maybe feel clearer now that your body's moving free
or
are you holding back because you falsely feel that you lack the ability to let the music move

Your soul's of you feet.

Let go
and hold on to me.
I won't let you fall unless you're ready
but I'll catch you
please don't worry.

We are free
here.

Let's just be
here.

Forget fear
and see where that takes us
in a year.

Or more
Or less
Or until you decide
that your dress
is not
the most comfortable thing
you
could be wearing...

I'm just glad we can share the same air
and not care that our hair's getting messy.

But...
This...
is the best I've felt.

In a loooong while...

Spinning out of control
Lying
With you here next to me.

It creeps into my room again,
filling me with fear.
I wish it would just go away
and let me be happy here.
The air inside turns icy cold,
sends shivers down my spine.
It comes in every morning,
All my darkest fears combined.
I reach out a hand to touch it
Just to check it's real.
It tries to smile and I try too
But all my happiness it steals.
It copies every move I make
Mocking me with glee.
I step back and I realise
The thing I'm staring at is me.

Pale
And not just skin
My soul is drained
My passion sin

Weak
And not just bone
Glass feelings break
Here on my 'lone

Sick
But not just cold
Life so young
How'd mine get old?

Gone
I don't mean for good
You need some time
I really wish I could

I'm tired of searching for someone like you.
Not just another person to *****.

I remember your truck..
brown, rusted, perfection because you were there.

I remember who I was when I met you
young, thin, hair down to my denim belt loops.

I remember the feeling of the first time
loving, slow, your warm breath against my neck.

But then I remember the fighting...
bruises, lies, cover-up.

So there I go again.. back to the truth
I never want to find another like you.