I am not the girl you marry
I am the girl who 10 years from now
Will out of nowhere cross your mind
In the midst of contentedness
And have you wondering
What happened to her
I am not the girl you swear forever to
I am the girl who you'll think of
When you ***** your finger on the diamond ring
You bought for the one you plan on spending your life with
I am not the girl you have to try to forget
I am not memorable
In any particular way
But one day you will think of me
When you're sitting in a bar
And the short blonde girl next to you
Orders a glass
Of whisky.

I spend too much time searching for home in people
I compare too many of them to the likes of it
I find new ones often and always
And I have made routine in my arrival
I set down my things, make myself comfortable
Find a spot next to the fireplace, directly in the presence of warmth
I curl between blankets and couches
I get to know the surroundings
I notice parts that most tenants would neglect to
Details are my specialty; I note each down with a sense of clarity
I create a photo album in my head for every part I should not remember
But I do, almost effortlessly
All of my senses take notes in permanent ink
I keep track of scent, sound, taste, touch, images
I engrain them into muscle memory
I begin to forget that this place I have settled in,
Isn’t mine to get used to
And when I have overstayed my welcome,
I am asked to go
I pack up, leaving most of me behind in the hurry
Once again I am forced to move and start over
I always do.

I look for home in too many people who’s hearts aren’t available for lease,
Bodies that are merely curtains hiding wreckage
I knock on locked doors hoping for an invitation inside
And the ones that are open are usually not prepared for company
I move in eagerly to creaky floorboards and leaking roofs
I pretend that there is nothing wrong with the structure
And when the house caves in I claim I didn’t know better
I willingly stand under shelter that doesn’t have the strength to hold even itself up
Then complain about the lack of protection when the rain comes
Natural disasters are as unpredictable as I am eager for constancy
But it is no fault but my own when I build upon fault lines
I know the weather forecast and still continue to create
I have become skilled at making something out of nothing
And nothing, I’ve learned, can only stretch for so long.

I knew
From the moment we met
That you were going to ruin my life
And I was going to let you

I knew
When you picked me up
Your arms wrapped around my body
With the intention of holding
That you were going to drop me
More than once
And I was going to let it happen

See the thing is
You could break both of my legs
Shatter my bones
Into a million pieces
And I would still find a way
To come crawling back to you

Knees bloodied,
Hands torn from the pulling
I’ve never been one
For giving up easily

You could effortlessly
Take my heart and crack it open
Drink its contents
Throw the rest away
And I would still somehow attempt
To give you the remains

Call me selfless
But I am used to giving parts of myself
And receiving nothing in return

You could tie my tongue
My lips, my teeth
Split them into surrender
Into a foreign language
And I would still manage
To cough up your name

I have never learned release
Or let go
I only know stay
You could leave
One hundred times
And I would still wait for your return
With patience

Because kissing without permanence
Is like loving without memory
There is no purpose
If there is nothing to come back to
No reason in attempt
If it is bound to be forsaken

You had no intention
Of staying
This was something I knew
From the moment we met

That you were going to leave
And I was going to let you.

I can't sleep at night, and i think i've figured out why. When i lay in bed with my eyes open i think of you. I think of you and i hate myself for it. I think of you and then i think about more of you and then i almost cry and then i have to pinch myself so i don't. You were the first beautiful thing to ever love me. You were the first to keep me up at night months after saying goodbye. I can't sleep at night because i hate sleeping alone. I hate being alone. I hate looking at my phone and knowing that i havent missed a call from you, i hate when i fall down the stairs and theres noone laughing behind me because im such a klutz and this happens almost daily. I hate the emptiness i feel in my arms and i hate how big the dimples in my back feel without your hands holding me, i hate that you're not holding me. I hate that i can't sleep because i can only think about the beautiful thing that we were in the beginning, like that first night we watched that movie and you leaned over and kissed me i thought i was going to pass out from excitement, i remember how happy i felt how eveery empty second was filled with thoughts of you and every thought was reassured because i knew you felt that way too, i like the night you first saw me cry even if it was over something stupid you held me like my problems were as big as the iceberg that hit the titanic, i liked watching titanic with you because that movie is so ******* good and you're logic to disregard it only made me like it more, i like the first time you said i love you because it took so long to get those stupid words out of you but i loved it because i knew that you meant it and you knew that i wasnt going anywhere. I liked that time you cried at our favorite restaurant because i was being a ***** im sorry that i can be a ***** sometimes. Okay a lot of the time. I like that you put up with my **** and everytime id try to justify it youd say shh. I like how you made me watch too many movies. I like how your dog would **** the bed and we couldnt move him because hes kind of fat. I miss that. I miss a lot. But missing doesnt get you anywhere and nothing i do will get us back to the way we were way back then. I just thought that maybe writing this might help me sleep again, i figured if i wrote down everything clogging my head that maybe id feel better. But the reality is i dont. Im lonely and i miss you and i miss knowing what its like to go a day without missing someone. No amount of melatonin will wipe the memories from my mind both good and bad. Cups of hot tea and warm blankets wont help me to forget the sound of your heartbeat and the way you used to drum your fingers down my spine until i fell asleep, i cant even sleep in my own ******* bed because your teddy bear is next to me and i dont have the guts to get rid of it let alone move it. I know in less than a year ill be moving. You will too. We'll be gone and moving on to a different part of our lives. But i want you to know this. No matter how far away we are no matter whether or not we ever start to talk again, im still here. My phone still buzzes and beeps in hopes that its you. And my heart still jumps and leaps for the exact same reason. if your ever in bed and you cant fall asleep, its okay, because ill be awake too.

You still speak of women as objects to obtain.
What a shame.
Well this isn't a game and they aren't points to gain.
Worth more than 30000 acres and a mule.
No you shouldn't make them a trophy and put them on a pedestal.
You should get off your pedestal to break every selfish rule in your body.
Trying to be a player and juggle women only makes you look more like a fool.
Looking less like a man and resembling an insecure little boy.

Wasting time distorts my dreams.
Those drinks won't build the bridge I need.
I kept making myself become sidetracked on this journey.
You can only backtrack on a train and still get to your destination.
These tracks you leave will be heavier.
But it just doesn't compare.
Do you really want to make it?
Or do you like the idea of it?
Do the thoughts of it make you happy for a moment?
Souls sail easily when the wind blows so vigorously.
Must be the beast in me.
Beast mode is not the mode I want to be in because
It causes the beast in me to trample everyone and thing in my path.
That's not love.
Making it at all costs is more costly than the think.
Reap what you sow.

There's a lot you will never know about me
And there's a lot I will never tell you

You will never know what I am like at 4am restless, tossing and turning
My body tired, but my mind running in circles until it finally comes to a halt and I crash
I can easily fall
Over
Apart
And in love
But I still can't fall asleep

You will never know about my past lovers and the hearts I've built into home
You will never know how I've molded every moment into memory
I etch the details into staying longer than they should
I remember too much too well

You will never know the roughness of hands that have touched me and how their glass fingers left me scarred
I am skilled at pretending I haven't been stolen enough times to feel detached
I can make-believe love to you like I don't know pain
Like I know exactly who I'm with
But I keep the lights on for a reason

You will never know about how I feel
You will ask me every time and I will say okay
You will ask me if I'm okay and I will say yes because I don't know how to say otherwise
I don't want you to know that I'm not sometimes
Being strong is the only choice I have

You will never know my weaknesses
You will never know me vulnerable
You will call me tough like a compliment
Like being a force built of bricks takes any bit of courage
You will watch me chug whisky like water
You will tell me that it's impressive without understanding the power in being able to choose my own bitterness
And how much better it tastes on my own terms
You will watch me love nicotine, not knowing that I am capable of loving you so much more than substance

You know my middle name
You know how I look with your hands in my hair
You know my teeth biting lip
You know what I smell like
You have seen me without clothing
But there is a lot you will never know about me
And there is a lot I will never tell you
Because you'll never ask.

I’m the kind of person who
will sacrifice an entire night of sleep
just to be next to someone
who will disappear as soon
as morning comes.

I am in his bed
We are laughing while carelessly exploring the roadmaps of each other’s bodies
His hands run their coarseness over the soft of my skin
I smile, he smiles,
Lifts his head, locks his eyes into mine and says,
"You are the perfect amount of thick."
I feel my stomach fold itself paper airplane and my head starts to spin with the sudden weightlessness
He does not know the impact of his language painted compliment
Before I can even comprehend his words I draw a grin onto my face so falsely wide that I imagine myself becoming caricature, toss my hair calmly over my left shoulder and without a second of defense,
I say thank you.
I say it
Like the categorization of my figure isn't a box I have been trying to fit into my whole life, I say thank you like I've never had to squeeze myself into almost
I give gratitude like I am truly appreciative for the approval his lips have given me, as if our intimacy wasn't enough confirmation already
I say thank you, grateful that I am not too much but terrified that I could easily become just that
I have origami twisted my bones too many times to feel anything but bent in the all of the parts of me I still cannot find comfort in
I often abandon taking care of myself like it is something I need a reminder to do
I have my body is home tattooed on my wrist when most days it feels more like a rental
I let him pretend to love me the way I do with myself always
I let him call me perfect like it's a word that has never made me a sacrifice
I let him call me thick like I am the meat on his dinner plate, cut exactly for his taste
I can't help but wonder if one extra layer of fat would cease his appetite for me

He says these words without knowing how many times I have had to cut myself into pieces to fit into hungry mouths
He means his to be flattering and sweet
He intends nothing more than to worship my body in the best way he knows how to
But there cannot be religion for those who do not understand that this temple is leftover from a war
A fight of not enough, of an excess, of too much, of just right, of not even close
I have never been good at finding balance
This body is a safe haven for lost souls
It impossible to not expand when so many stories live inside of it
I want to tell him that the density in my limbs and the mountain range that covers the surface is the only form of protection I have
This shape is not a choice, it is survival
I cannot predict when or how I will grow if I do and if I do,
I cannot expect love to give me any less than what it does now
Even if there is none in the equation
I stopped counting and adding and multiplying a lot time ago, my weight is a formula I don't allow myself to know the answer to
And far as I'm concerned, I don't need it
For each human I bare my nakedness to, I hold my breath in hopes that there will be no earthquake in my vulnerability, no shatter of the ground below us as a result of being bare
I am afraid of cracking the ground of tomorrow with who I am today
So do not tell me infallible
Do not feed me adjectives served on a gold platter
I will not take what it is I do not create
Even if interest is shown in each curve I have,
There are better ways of expression
And this thick,
Is only mine to say it is.

I hope I don’t **** this one up
If I make a mistake it isn’t my fault
My credibility can be diminished by the way present things
I, the way I present things
I am afraid of publishing something someday and
******* up the end result
Someone will read it and laugh because I missed word
A word, I missed a word
****
If I am to ever mess up a final draft then
I will laugh because nothing is final except for maybe death
Maybe
Books scare me because when they are printed the work becomes permanent
And I’m not sure I want anything I create to last forever
I don’t know if anything I say will ever be kept for that long but if it is I want my mistakes to be as clear as what I am attempting to say
I am attempting to say I cannot be held accountable for everything I do wrong
People will look back and doubt that I can be trusted because I didn’t use the write form of right
Even so, I hope my errors are good enough to be remembered
I hope I can incite a cringe or two with my fallibility
I was not made to be perfectly correct in all that I do, my words can attest to that
So if I **** this up, if I make a typo,
Let’s just pretend it was on porpoise.