I wanted to erase you.
For a time....the memories of you come whirling through my mind like a tornado through a valley.
I shed a tear for each long year without you..
That passes on this pale blue dot.
Caught in a sea of tumultuous tides,
I ride...
Emotions rise and peak: I greet your memory, head down. In disbelief.
I wanted to erase you.
Yet, here you are. Mocking me in photos. Smiling in laughter that rings so pure.
You look happy. I feel anger.
Sit tight in this moment. I need to feel these moments.
I want so much to erase you....

I am standing alone…. outside by worn and withered paths;
To dark and treacherous undergrowth:
My thoughts soo deep, run to the bone,
In awe of wonder, dreams of hope:
My first AA meeting is next week;
The battle of trauma sits just above my head;
Generational wounds must I meet;
In fear, In pain, in silence, in dread:
To take the next step, after 20 long years;
An addict I am, and will always be;
How will I now replace the tears?
How will I allow myself to feel?
Without substance to dull the pathway to free?
What shall I do when the unease sets in?
Shall I meditate or go within?
What if I don’t like what I see?
What if I don’t like being me?
Perhaps that’s why I’ve abused substances all of these years;
To cover my anxiety and depression with beers;
Cocktails and wines, and drugs of all kinds;
Never filled the void; but numbed it at times;
Too much thinking but not enough care;
My body is a temple but has been treated unfair;
Too many of us, seeking the ease; never knowing that we are filled with disease.
I’ve today made a choice, to live day by day;
To live life in the present, not tomorrow or yesterday;
To use my voice for laughter and love;
To harness the energy of abundance and say…… I am an addict, while that is quite true; I will no longer let it rule me…. Not ever again.

The more you laugh the more I fall; or rise in love to speak;
The more I see your adoring face;
The thoughts could make me weak.
But you nor I could we match; the vibration of together;
No man or woman ever alive,
Could’ve ever known me better.
Was it real, I ask myself; looking back or far above;
Maybe the fact is just that....
I just love to be in love.

Sitting here playing my ukulele, hearing the birds sing the tunes; a melodic interlude. The spangled drongo sounds it’s unique call; overall it’s a good day.

By all accounts life is pleasant; loved ones are safe and no need to escape. Reality is quite kind; after all of these years.

No fears, no worries; no hurry. To get to the next place. Calm mind, free time. To write this momentary uttering.

Pen back to paper after several long months. Adjusting to the new balanced me. The ordinary and somewhat boring me. The words don’t seem to flow like they used to. But it’s a start.

Last week, I screamed into a pillow.
All the fear, rage, and resentment.
It lasted only a few minutes.
How interesting it is.. for days I have been wondering.
Will I surrender? It was a moment of grief.
Grief for me... for you.... for the whole.
A beautiful release. From days and years of undoing. For months and weeks of overthinking. For lives not yet living.
I scream and cry into this pillow. Close to death I’m sure. Take me.

Hey you, why are you sad?
I think you should be glad, to have, a life so full.
Don’t be a fool.
I think you should know, that you are an incredible human.
You’re not such a tool: you’re pretty cool;
You’re so brilliant!
So don’t hide your light, from the world: because what we need now is more presence.
Please don’t compete.  
You’re more than enough.
Always enough.

Hey you, you should be glad. Life’s not that bad; so don’t consume your mind with doubt.

I think you should know that you are an incredible human; not in a bind-you’re much to kind; you’re so vibrant.

So don’t criticise yourself right now:
Because what we need now is more grace;
As to what I see..
You’re more than enough.
Always enough.

Love freely. Forgive easily. Be authentic. Question everything. Be inspired. Listen carefully. Breathe. Trust. Meditate. Exercise. Be humble. Be grateful. Surrender. Eat well. Balance emotions. Practice non attachment. Teach wisely. Earn your keep. Be conscious of thought; Be careful with impulse. Hug someone everyday. Smile more. Help those in need. Stand in your power. Learn to disconnect. Learn to connect. Be brave. Be sustainable. Organise yourself and others. Lead by example. Love yourself. Empower. Be open to change. Know what you don’t want. Get out of your way. Make magic.