Why do I let myself for fall you
Everyday, it's a little more
Two girls. Two places. Two worlds.
I see you with her and you are this whole different human
You are happy.

Why do I let myself fall for you
You are her boyfriend
I know she exists and you know likewise

Why am I always led back into temptation
when you come crawling into my life
Why can't I slam the door in your face

Holiday pictures with you and her brother
Caption: approved my little sister's perfect boyfriend

Perfect.

Perfect.
Very funny, but I still, let myself fall for you every. single. time.

I am the hero of this story
I can't keep up
these villains or demons
eat at my friends's flesh
and wash their memories leaving only the bad
they are all chased and come running from all angles
right towards me full force
as they waste away to nothing
I am supposed to be strong
I can't be the hero
but's my own story

I don't want a relationship
          been hurt one too many times
so if I just want hookups and ***
          why am I called a ****
because in reality
          I am just vulnerable

All this time
I have thrown around this label
My tendency to observe my surroundings
Searching for answers in every action, every move
I used to think I was a wallflower
A extroverted wallflower
who simultaneously was a social butterfly
but I am not this, I am not this at all  
I am a writer

the generic classical piano recital song plays
my failures sit upon each horse and my regrets are in the booth seats
the beady eyes of the horses look right through my skin
fiery red and fluorescent yellow lights spin as I looses focus of what is real
The melody picks up and now upon each horse is sits all my past relationships
spinning, up and down to the continuous flow of the musical beat  
my friend Cam is on this ride with me
his smile reminds me to breathe
he rotates around, he is no longer in sight
there is a new horse in his position
I am thrown into panic then the horses move to a slower pace
the boys disappear
all that is left is me
the last three notes come to an end gracefully  
the ride stops abruptly and I halt forward
grabbing my things as quickly as I can as I walk off in a sweat

My stretch marks on my inner thighs tingle as the chills fill my soul. Across from me is an empty chair but my greatet enemy sits beside it. She looks me down and says nothing. That's what scares me because it's what she is thinking that pierces my heart. I begin to feel unwelcome and I quiver at the thought of my body, my mind. The room begins to fill with voices and screams. They are chanting my nightmares, my failures making me feel so small... The stench if ***** fills my nostrils as I dry heave my brains out. I want to cry but I know I will not be heard. I want to scream but I can't hear myself think. The room get crowded and my eyes start to twitch. I have never felt so crowded in a room filled with no one but myself.