My stretch marks on my inner thighs tingle as the chills fill my soul. Across from me is an empty chair but my greatet enemy sits beside it. She looks me down and says nothing. That's what scares me because it's what she is thinking that pierces my heart. I begin to feel unwelcome and I quiver at the thought of my body, my mind. The room begins to fill with voices and screams. They are chanting my nightmares, my failures making me feel so small... The stench if ***** fills my nostrils as I dry heave my brains out. I want to cry but I know I will not be heard. I want to scream but I can't hear myself think. The room get crowded and my eyes start to twitch. I have never felt so crowded in a room filled with no one but myself.

Can I still be saved if I don't follow church orders?
If I'm in need of prayer will your church cure me?
Am I predestined to hell because I lack faith?
Does God believe in me, if I don't belive in him?

I want you to know
                             but at the same time
                                                               I don't have the heart to tell you

passed out on the bathroom floor
because the drugs don't work
and the alcohol doesn't do the job anymore
the progression of consistent failure mixed with anxiety
explodes in my acid volcanic brain I was given
I drink to get away, to escape, to be happy
but those feelings don't come around anymore
the things I said I would never do
have all been done
so that's why you will find me
passed out on the bathroom floor

red dress in the closet
shots, shots, shots
best friends
shots, shots, shots,
attractions
tension
shut down
shut down
shut down
boys cry?
failure
used till emotionally exhausted
kissing against the closet
life planned out on notebook paper
pressure
shots, shots, shots
tears
squats and drops and swim and swim and swim
silent screams
pack up & move
disqualification
I told you I was trying my hardest
imprisoned in my own body
25 extra lbs.
gasping
rushing
only silence when everyone sleeps
5.8% my ***
failure
failure
fat ***
business minor
screams
breathes in nothing but fear
disappointment kicks into gear
holidays come
two weeks

stargazing at the cheap glow in the dark stars
from my tiny dorm room bed
while the lights were still on
and the stars weren't at all glowing
we essentially were just staring at the ceiling
looking as if something was going to happen
and at that very simple moment
I was happy