its bittersweet
but he's so rotten.
I just miss love.
The feeling
not the place and time.
Not HIM.
but just... the thought.
The feel.
at times
all the time..
wondering if I'll see you again
not knowing if I want to.
Just set me back
just pull me down.
into that HOLE.
Remember the one you dug?
When you ****** the whole trust thing
and ****** some one else.
It really ****** with my head
and ****** up my heart.
You keep saying how its sad..
that I cry every day

but I've come to terms with that
and it doesn't change a thing.

if i should change, i guess i could
but it only hurts when you love me
would it hurt you? not to love me?
would it hurt you not to care?

i cut myself because it feels good
and it only hurts when you love me.
would it hurt you? not to love me?
would it hurt you not to care?

so used to being misunderstood
still it only hurts when you love me
would it hurt you? not to love me?
would it hurt you not to care?

i hope to die, but i knock on wood.
now it only hurts because you love me.
i'm really hurt that you still love me.
this only hurts because you care.

i hope to die
and i won't feel a thing.
Yes, it wont hurt
if you don't love me.

I discover something lovely
and rush to try and make it a part of me,
claiming suddenly I'm lovely as I could be -
if only I could make it my own.
I'll take it, and I'll break it, and I'll make it
into one of the songs I sing
'bout just how lovely it all would be -
if only I wasn't alone.

I wish to be something I see,
So I take it all and make it all
the song I sing.
Until I'm free to be me,
I'll fake it in the songs that I sing.

Oh, way back when
all the things that could've been
were all the things I couldn't see
in me, in me.
waiting on the time
when I'm ready to cut ties
with all the things that shouldn't be
for me, for me.
I'll keep pretending for so long
it won't be just another song
when I'm free.
When I'm free
to be me.

So I spend a lot of time reading books.
Lovely books about better days.
'bout how to live in these 'better ways' -
If only i could make them my own.
So I take 'em, and I brake 'em, and I make 'em
into one of these songs I sing
'bout how much better my life would be
if only, when I'm finally grown.

Repeating word for word,
regardless if I'm feeling fine
I take it all and fake it for a price.

Line after line,
not every song I sing is mine
but I can't help but think -
Oh, wouldn't it be nice?

I wish to be something i see
so I take it all and make it all
that song that I sing.
Until I'm free to be me
I'll fake it in the songs that I sing.

It won't be just another song
when I'm finally free
to be me.

I am addicted to dying.
for I've forgotten how to live.

I'd have the devil sell me back my soul
I just don't think he works that way.

By now the eyes of god are crying,
and i'm settling in to stay.
somethings got to give.
I feel I'm giving up
on me.

i cant live.
i cant forgive.
and i don't pray.
no use in trying

now

that I'm so used to dying,
Still I'm crying out for something to believe

in

something barely thick enough
to dissolve away my sin

off of my sleeves.
I wear it on display
in hopes you'll stop me on my way
down.
before the leaves
of my clandestine life turn grey:
from green
yellow to brown.

and I should pray
but no use in trying
now

that i'm so used to dying.
All i have now is a daily reprieve.

Truth is

you make me wanna be honest.

Haven't felt that in the longest

time.

i lie when i don't need to.
i steal when i don't have to.
i'm always thinking when i shouldn't.
i eat
drink
sleep
smoke
****
when i dont want to.
its just me feeling like i have to
fill this void because i need to.
but i shouldnt.

i'll eat till i throw up and then admit i still want more.
i'll drink so much i won't get up for days.
i'll sleep all night or not at all.
i'll smoke, snort, shoot all i can take till i go dumb.
psychotic.
numb.

i'll do it
over and over
and YES!
ill do it, all the time.
and every time
that i don't want to
i'm just so certain that i have to
fill this void
splitting me open
till i die.