The colors on his canvas were as bright as his mind. He had paint on his shirt front and bed head. He was adorable in the way he rolled his Rs and the way he'd stick his tounge to the top of his mouth after a bowl of ice cream. He was and is perfection.

When the world seems to fall
I remember you
And I stand tall
For you are my reason
You are my all

I sometimes think I am not my flaws, the dirt underneath my nails, my latest diet. I am more than that. Sometimes it's all I am. I am my flaws, the dirt underneath my nails, my latest diet, and so much more. I am also quiet baths, a perfect spotify playlist, a cotton candy sunset, a tearstained pillowcase, a upper lip that touches my nose constantly smudging my lipstick. I am me and it's wonderful.

I opened up parts of myself to you and finally they healed like they were supposed to.

In the nights when the stars come
And heat from the sun is almost gone
You and I go for a walk
The world around us falls fast asleep
But we are content
in eachothers company
The moon high above seems to whisper
kiss her kiss her
And so you do

She wanted to much,
but when was that ever wrong?

Weird things that remind me of you
Beef jerky
Long drives on highways
Clamchowder
Guitar strings
And all at once
I'm enveloped with you
Every time
The smell of you
The way you laugh
Every time

In a hush of whispered lips you told me of how he hurt you.
All I could say then was how I wished I could take your pain away.
But now I see you shining in the dark, illuminating the path for me to walk and I am grateful I am not alone.

There are moments you wait for
Where life hands you these seconds, which turn into incredibly wonderful every nerve exposed minutes. Creating lifetimes of moments.
The fireworks in your chest kinds of moments.
Standing under cathedral paintings in Rome and wondering how someone human made something so unearthly and raw kind of moments.
We feel.
We create.
We inspire love.
So, why can't I tell you that you make me feel as though I'm lying under the Tuscan sun with sand in every fingertip? I smile like the Mona Lisa every time your hand touches mine.
I feel.
I create.
I love.
Do you?

When I go walking
he is beside me.
When I say I've got it
he really has.
Because he knows me
and because he knows me
he understands.

It's in the shake of my hands
In the tangle of fingers
It's the smudged mascara under my eyes
It's there

Don't you worry
Each beat in my chest reminds me how lucky I am to be one second wiser, one inhale kinder, one touch closer to good dreams.
I know how lucky I am.
Sometimes it hurts a little, and that's ok.

If there was something that would tell me how to open my mouth and make you tremble, I would speak and maybe you would listen. For some reason a bucket full of wonderful thoghts gets stopped up in my brain and all that comes out is sorry. I am full of beautiful things, but all that is pulled from me when your around is how you make me feel like I'm the one who messed up.

I want you to grow your hair out. The halo of tiny curls that have begun to tangle and coil around your ears make it impossible for my mind to focus on anything but running my fingers through them.

How do you capture happiness?
Is it in cups of coffee or hot chocolate?
Is it in photos of grins spread so wide they fill the 3x5?
How do you capture love?
Is it in their smile?
Is it in their arms?
How do you capture peace?
In the moments so still the oxygen in your chest sounds like a dragon?
In the rain?
----------------------------------------------
How do I capture happiness?
In writing.
In my smile (though its been a while since I've seen it).
How do I capture love?
In books.
In the smiles of friends.
How do I capture peace?
I don't know, could you show me?

She wasnt the girl who you fell in love with, she was the girl you never had to fall in love with, she was just there one day, and there she stayed.  To you she looked a little different, laughed a little different, smiled a little diffrent, but for some reason you liked the way she danced to John Mayer at 4 pm in the living room. You loved that she was diffrent. You loved that the stars above her bed were the only thing that could soothe her. Sock sliding across her linoleum floor was your favorite sport to play. You Could survive without her, but you didn't want too.

It seems as though I'm at a crossroads
I do not know yet which way I'll go
Each place seems foggy
Its path unknown
I wish I had the eyes
To see the others end
But for now I guess ill wait
At the crossroads

So I will write like I promised you. I will let every memory run on the page leaving inky memories
of us
of me
of someone new.

I should have left
when you told me I was nothing
to sensitive
When you only wanted me
without my clothing
Should have known
When you twisted my words
To make me feel as if I were to blame
Gaslighting and grooming me for your own
eating my soul
Touching my skin
Making me feel so ******* alone
I hated myself every minute
But still couldn’t pull my hands away
Skin and body and bone
I was yours
I knew you were wrong
Yet still I knocked
Every time I heard your voice
Every time your hand manipulated mine
I broke like glass
Each shattered shard
embedding into my growing places
Making even breathing backbreaking
When I stopped going to classes
Stopped talking to friends
stopped eating
I should have understood

Happy birthday.
I hum under my breath the tune.
What are you doing?
How are you feeling?
Happy birthday.
You are the same age as me.
I try to be inspired.
I try hard to remember all the memories I’ve had with you.
What did I do when I turned 23?
Do you fly around this place?
Could I spend just five more minutes talking to you?
We could talk about 23 years we’ve spent here on this rock in space.
Happy birthday.
Words get tangled up and I can’t continue.
I can’t help but think, are you warm?
I keep thinking you’re in another room.
Happy birthday.
I’m not sure how to get this message to you.
Is there an answering machine in heaven?
Happy birthday.

Maybe we met in a past life
The only way I could feel this way
Our souls had to be intwined for what feels like eons
Twisting and kissing you and me
And I’m convinced
Whether my face was this or another’s
You would find me again
And again

Today and most days I feel as though I want to fuse myself to you.
I desire to entangle myself in a passion so divine it’s above our power.
I want to pledge myself to you under an old tree your father planted, and become a bonded two.
Say our vows beside the flowers you grew up next too.
I want you besides me forever, I pray you want this too.
Oh please I hope you do, for my deepest wish I’ll depend upon the stars.