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Cassie Fearing Mar 2013
There are people all around.
Familiar faces,
You pretend you're okay.
You Laugh,
Take pictures--
But they know.
They know you're hurting,
You're breaking.
Although you're surrounded
You feel utterly alone.

In a time of great need
Your best friend leaves.
In a time of need
Your love is gone.
You reach out for something--
To break that fall.
But you fall,
And fall,
And keep falling.
Until you land
Flat on your face.

The pain--
At first,
It's like when you put your hand
On something hot.
You know it should hurt,
But you can't feel it yet.
You're so shocked you just stare
You can't believe it's happening.
Then it comes,
And all you want to do is scream
Scream as loud as you can
Make it go away.
Scream for help.

They come running.
They put a bandage on it.
Say you'll forget it by the time you're married.
But it's there.
Always there.
It takes a while to heal.
It itches.

You pick at it,
And it's fresh blood
All over again.
The pain is back
Like it never left.
It heals faster this time,
But it still itches--
Still burns.
When it's finally healed,
It's scarred.
Forever burned,
Forever impaired.
Cassie Fearing Mar 2012
Things just don’t feel right
I’ve always felt close to you
Even when you’re miles away
But not today
Or yesterday
Or this past week
I’m not sure when it happened
But I feel it now
I talk to you
But you’re away
You’re distancing yourself
From me
The one person who loves you most
The person who’s given you themselves completely
I’ve given you my heart,
And body.
Why is it so hard for you to do the same?
You say you love me,
And you say you’re a robot;
For both cannot be true.
I know love is scary,
But you’re safe with me.
It’s time for you to drop your barriers
And take a leap.
Leap and I will catch you
We will catch each other
We will fall together
And rise together
And most of all
Be happy
Cassie Fearing Nov 2011
The wind nips at my nose,
My body shakes to the core,
My joints creek with every move.
The bullet in my arm radiates heat.
The body of my offender lies on the ground--
The snow is stained red
With the blood of his vile corpse.
Nothing sounds;
It's like the silence before the storm.
Then I hear a little whimper.
I see her curled up in a ball
Sitting in the hollow of a tree.
"Hey," I say gently.
"It's going to be okay now."
She flinches away from my touch.
I pinch my eyes shut painfully.
I don't blame her.
The only dad she's known,
The one who pretended to love her,
Pretended to be hers,
Is gone.
Lying on the ground
In his own puddle of blood
Because of me.
Poor little girl.
I still couldn't grasp that she was mine.
One day she'll thank me--
I slowly lean against the tree
My shoulder throbs.
I fall down to the snow.
Little drops of red fall below.
I finally hear the sirens.
I wait.
It will all be over soon.
She crawls out of the hollow
She stares timidly.
I look deep into her big blue eyes.
She breaks down.
She collapses in my lap
Throws her little arms around me;
I wince at the pain.
"I'm so sorry, baby."
She weeps into my neck.
I know.
I know that she is mine.
This little girl was mine
From the very beginning.
Cassie Fearing Nov 2011
My own guardian angel,
You make me laugh and smile
When all I want to do is cry in pain.
You're always there when least expected
And most needed.
In a nearly empty cafe
I find you
Drinking some coffee
You see me and smile
You sense something is wrong
From the frown upon my face.
I talk.
You listen.
I talk more.
You make stupid jokes.
I lightly chuckle.
That's not good enough for you.
You poke me and tickle me.
I finally leave out an unfamiliar burst of laughter.
I smile.
You give me support when I'm weak;
The weakest I've ever been.
I don't want to need you
But I do.
I try to push you away.
It doesn't work.
You're my best friend--
My guardian angel
Your touch sends shivers down my spine
I wonder if you feel them too.
You stroke my side gently
And pull me into your protective hold.
I want to resist,
But I can't.
It's starting to hurt.
For you are in love with another.
Yet you still smile at me with those eyes.
You touch me as if I'm a delicate flower.
How I wish you felt what I do
When you caress my arm gently.
When we hold hands
I can't help but feel like there's more.
Something there.
Something you're so unaware of.
I know you love her.
I know you're happy.
I love seeing you happy,
Oh, how I wish I was her.
But you're only my guardian--
My best friend.
Nothing more--
Nothing less.
And I will never let you go,
Even through the suffering.
For we will always be there for each other,
And love each other,
Even if it's not the love I want.
Cassie Fearing Nov 2011
The days run together,
Never seeming to end or begin.
I wish time could freeze  
And I could pop this bubble that I’m in.

Lack of air is beginning to enclose.
My head grows light.
All I want is his embrace,
His touch—
The one that makes me curl my toes,
And never want to let go.

I want him to send me away from this stupor.
His smile,
I need to survive;
My addiction to him grows stronger.
His face appears with every blink.
His voice hums with mine.

My heart aches with every breath,
My fingers tense with the memories,
The clonking of my teeth grows louder,
And you seem even farther.  

Without him,
The walls of my bubble condense.
Without him,
Nothing in my world makes sense.
Cassie Fearing Nov 2011
******, ******, ******!
Why must it end like this all of the time?
Of course he has a girlfriend, he’s perfect!
It wouldn’t make sense if he didn’t have one.
Why do I do this to myself?!
Every time I meet a nice guy the same thing happens.
I start to talk myself up and yet never talk to him.
I make myself believe that I have a chance.
I’m pretty, smart, determined, occasionally witty.
But most of all I am a coward.
Sitting in the back corner with a hood over my face,
Blind and unnoticed by the rest of the world.
This is who I am.
It’s my fault and I know it.
I live in my mind.
It goes to places it should never go.
It sets me up for heartache and disaster.
It keeps me from going after what I want.
I am a coward.
A nobody.
I am me.
Cassie Fearing Nov 2011
And in between the moon and you
The air blows freely.
The clouds dim the light as if on cue
And you pick up your bag sweetly
My heart aches with each passing step
That you take with every breath.

I see your figure get smaller and smaller
As the space between us gets larger and larger.
Once you’re out of sight I close my eyes
And imagine you’re here one more time.

You say you’re doing this for me,
To help me move on
For me to find happiness.
But all I feel is frozen and desolate.

You think you’re wrong for me
That you’re unstable, irrational, and incapable of love.
But I know different
You smile, laugh, and love more than a flower loves the sun.
I love you more than the flower loves the sun
And I can’t let you go.

I move forward and see your figure get larger and larger
And the space between us get smaller and smaller.
Dawn approaches and I soon see the light in your eyes.
You tell me you’re mad
But you laugh lightly at my embrace.

We turn the other direction,
Back to where we started—
Where it should’ve never ended.
We pick up where we left off,
Blissful and ignorant
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