You make me want to become a better
Writer
Words no longer pertain to you
Adjectives have lost their hue
Verbs cannot capture the grace of your movements
And nouns mean nothing
My dictionary, my dear old friend, is thin
My floor, thick with the crossed out remains of its contents
The number of pages untorn compared to the number of pages on the floor equivalent to the ratio of vowels to consonants
Perhaps I jumped the gun
It is not the words who can’t compare but
Myself
You make me want to become a better
Person

i miss you when i am out of states
wishing i were the sewer grate that could catch the muck beneath your shoes because though i can enthuse you
i can't bring myself to accuse you
of the things my mind has made up
and maybe its the alcohol but i am enthralled by
the memory of you
worthy of poem as
fresh dew on
freshly packed snow
melting in the sun's tired rays

behind closed doors
i sit in nothing
but a pair of headphones
inhale magic smoke from my crystal
let her caress my lungs for
seven seconds before i
exhale her out the window
a shadow of what she once was
giving her life for my happiness
inevitably iridescent
i tiptoe to my bed and submerse myself beneath covers
letting the bass control the rhythm of my heart
because for once somethings giving it a start
i couldn't care any less if it killed me
i'm makeupless
void of vision
or senses in every sense of the word
i'm breathless and sleepless
i crave sweet release
but can't even form a thesis

i am god
i am the devil
i am the angel
and the demon
i am found
i am lost
i am positive
and i am unsure
i am sane
i am psychotic
i am normal
and i am insane
i am both all and none of these things
at any given moment all i can gaurentee is that
i am human

its mornings when the cold stings my nose
and the smoke fizzling off the end of my cigarette
burns my bloodshot eyes
that i can't see a thing out of because i just took my contacts out after passing out with them in that i remember
i am ******
and the world is still
just as frigid and grey as before
but it is early
and i will shut the world out in blackeness
bury myself beneath covers
and pray for blue skies once i open my eyes
but anything will be contrast against
the view of my inner eyelids

i want you in every way
internally
with a movment of hips
externally
strokes from fingertips
spiritually
our bodies but mere shells
enompassing souls that tap on chest cavities
i mistook it for my heart fluttering
i don't believe in love at first sight
but it was something
i fear it was
old souls reconnecting

What if it's me
What if I am the one who is ****** up
What if my ideals are intangible
What if I am the only person who is right for me
Even though I tell myself I hate myself daily
What if the loss of the spark I once felt between us
Isn't your fault but my own
What if I lost all of my feelings during an attempt to analyze them
What if every little thought that runs through my brain
Is pointless

you love me
in the most brutish of ways
you throw me over your shoulder
sometimes you make me pay
your hands are always on my *******
or the weight of your head is crushing my chest
i can't keep this sick feeling at bay
i never used to mind, or even notice these things
as time drips by i build up a wall not even your **** can penetrate
though you beg nearly every day
my libido is at a stalemate
things have gotten stale, mate
but i know you love me
when im puking and you ask me, "are you okay? are you awake?"
"breathe through your nose. just breathe. get some water down. take a break."
as i spew over the rare flag your friend gave to you, that he stole from the track at the race
you show me you love me
but when i ask why or how you feel
you come up with nothing
and words mean everything to me
but i suppose if you asked me the same
i'd come up with just as much

i truly disgust myself
you love me more than i deserve
i left your *** for a pretty boy who promised to marry me and take care of me from the moment we met
and you begged for me back
your lips touched mine only hours after he kissed me goodbye
and i still cringed when ours finally met
you can guilt me into anything
i couldn't leave you bleeding on the pavement
tears cascading down your face
I never knew you cared so much
i told you this and it just made you cry harder
but still i long for lust
i used to feel so much passion towards you
if you left me, i surely would have taken my own life
but now, numbness tingles dully through my body
i go through the motions in the hope that you wont notice
i no longer feel the way that made life worth living
i miss knowing that there is nobody better than you
now i spend every day debating whether i should stay
something doesn't feel right
but you love me far too much
and i know you'll take good care of me
so long as you neglect that i truly am disgusting

i keep dreaming that
my bottom left tooth is pulsating with pain
hanging by a string
and i can't decide whether to tear it out myself
see a professional
or leave it alone in the hopes that it will mend itself
i cry and i play, imagining the space it will leave
how unlike myself I'll be if i let it go
replacements are hard to come by
but i can only imagine the relief I'll feel once it's gone no matter how much i bleed
i can't tell my lover these things
i carelessly told him the meaning behind lost teeth in dreams

hedonism has lead me to want nothing but
more
just this once turns into
anytime, anywhere
happiness is relative
sadness is unfathomable
because there is always a fix
always a high
sorry I've been acting so low
I preach that not all who wander are lost
but i happen to be
to live a life dependent on selfish highs
or regret every decision I don't make

i smile too hard in social situations
to make up for the fact that i've sorted through my every thought and can't find anything of interest to say
and i blush at every compliment i receive
because i'm too embarrassed to disagree
you see
I'm kind of vapid
but it's only because I can't control the voice inside my head
I'm not crazy, unfortunately
I'm just overly self aware
and i want you to know that we are stardust
but you're only interested in superstars
and I'm only interested in companionship
so I'll entertain you with magic tricks
I want friends
**** their ***
but women judge me too harshly
and men don't judge me on the right things
they like my mind, but abuse my body
i only care for souls
for records
and old pictures of kids in bulky glasses
neon bellbottoms and
flower power wallpaper
plastering the walls of an alternate universe
where i may blossom and open up
like a flower in the rain

it's too bad my love is cannibalistic
i must have you all to myself
please, leave the brains too
i want to stain them with my star flecked essence
so you can't breathe without me
it's only fair
it's how i've felt since the moment we met
i want to devour the thoughts i sow in your brain
i want to hear poetry pour from your soul
i won't judge
mine's ******
i want clarified, detailed honesty
crystal ***** no longer captivate me
i want your lips on my bowl
words straight from within without filter
i want only what i give
eat me

i can't see **** when my fat black glasses slide down my
pale freckle kissed nose so i
squint my little blue eyes
the gold glows and i let one side of my face go
it rushes into a smile
arms wrapped around me
I'm whole
I know I'm what your future holds
and that holds me back from enjoying
who i am
what makes me tick
it's all so "dangerous"
has staying away from hallucinogens and the like
been my decision or my compliance with my
striped sweater
because the best time to wear you is all the time
wound up in you now i feel i'm in a bind
you hang past my exceptionally large ******* imitating folds of fat
burned off with a cool breath of menthol
by ****** fingers the flame lit
maybe i want to be seen
in your eyes
that is sin
i want someone to
illuminate me
because you're rubbing the color off of my wings
unknowingly
my tips singed
and I'd hate to tell you you're grasping too tightly
but I'd probably fly towards the light anyway, right?
I suppose I'll find solace in tapping at my case of preserved butterfly remains
laying on the bare hardwood floor in my baggy striped sweater, knees pulled close

when we first met i pinched myself daily
i had not yet mastered lucid dreaming
but reality was just too unbelieveable
i'd left the mossy rock's shade in exchange for a view of the lake
fearing my skin would bake i retreated
my biggest mistake
i could not find my way back to the dark path
so i sat in a field and let the sun beat my back
brown to black, speckling white as i peeled
uneven, unhappy, unmatched
the shade had never truly hurt me in the past
i became drawn by the unknown, by physical attraction
though i may once again find my rock, the contentment i felt with it once is apt to end
the lake whispers my name but i know it just wants to drown me in its depths

Chill days
Late nights
The summer haze
The midnight lights
Good times
More to come
Memories like vines
Link together to form a story that is never done
One season ends
The next begins
Make new friends
Make decisions on a whim
Don't be tied back
By what is set in stone
Move past
Move out of home
What day does summer really end
Or is it just a state of mind
Ask any kid and it's subjective
The day he or she is put back on the assembly line
I hope to keep the mindset
Of relax but be productive

Parted lips
Few more hits
Fingertips
Total bliss
Take a rip
Do not slip
Chill don't trip
Pull out my kit
This is it
Make it fit
Prepare for flight
Where's my light
Fly my kite
Without strife
Live your life
Forget what's right
Let go
Do not know
Take it slow
Don't take it's ****
Room of smoke
Without hope
Just smiles
An good vibes
For miles
And good tries
So hi
Hello
Let go
Goodbye
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
89 10
Just in case
Self invasive
Not abrasive
Letting go of strain
Light it up and keep us sane

He's okay
She's okay
They're okay
But I am not
People live their lives and I am ******* in mistakes
From their minds I've been erased
While they plague both my waking and sleeping thoughts
They continue to kiss as before
I do the same
Just with total lack of feeling
My love can't tell the difference
I am a hopeless romantic
As in when things are actually working out
I have to wreck it
In life, there is no perfection
And I have no patience for less

you set my soul on fire
then left me there to burn

I have found happiness in solitude
The more I love myself, the less I love you
I anxiously await your return from work
Only have my heart lurch up my throat as the world, so you perceive, spits on you
I've spent too much of my time
My money
My positive energy
Myself
On you
Only for you to realize that
Nobody will love you the way that I do
You've changed your ways
It's far too late
But I can't let go
You told me if I did we would have wasted our youth
At times I feel I already have
What do I have to lose

please stay shallow
so that i may tell myself that
you are just a pretty face
so that i may stop myself from
peering into your soul
and finding something worth my stay

i like you a lot
like maybe more than mary jane..
and she's my main
***** because when I'm with her
I can't remember the definition of the word ******
but I'm nervous for this fervor you stir in me
when i laugh with you i don't need ****
and that's crazy coming from
miss wake and bake
lunch break light up
dinner doobie
and don't forget the late night blunt ride
but you make me feel so high
my cheeks hurt and my stomach bursts
with butterflies sometimes i forget to eat
because I'm too busy staring into your baby blue eyes
my heart dances in my chest even worse than when i have anxiety
but it's different
i gave you my heart on a silver platter
but pulled it away the second i had a hint you may not deserve it
and that made both of us feel worse than
when your **** shattered

I wish I still believed that you were the best
I wish that we still walked to the elementary school playground
Where we would lay tongue in mouth for hours or
Make our way past the brook in the woods
Strip off our sticky clothes on top of your Marlboro sleeping bag
And become one beneath the canopy of green leaves
Red elbows and knees, flushed cheeks
You'd light my cigarette after and we'd sit by the stream
I wish that we would walk out from those woods
And see a little chipmunk
He would put his two paws on my hands, **** his head and look into my eyes
He'd bite you when you tried, mountain man
And I'd laugh my *** off again
I wish that you would walk me to school every day you had off
And make the other girls jealous
When you'd kiss me goodbye and say "I love you. See you after."
I wish that I felt the way I did for you towards then, now
I want all of these things, just no longer from you
I had zero warning before this change in view
It disgusts me
I need to need you
Otherwise
Who the hell am I?

I have a little brother
A complicated soul a few years below
Stubborn, competive, stone cold
His eyes burn with the intent of ******
Lips twist into an irreversible pout for the smallest of reasons
He scares me
We're both quiet
So I don't know what to say
I've never even asked him "how are you? how's your day?"
Because I would get little to no response
That's where the conversation would end
I've never been one to start them
I fear my own awkwardness
I'm sorry little brother

nobody gives a ****
about poetry
or books
charles bukowski
or siddhartha
nobody gives a ****
about the universe
or extra terrestrials
carl sagan
or that we are stardust
nobody gives a ****
about Led Zeppelin
or Pink Floyd
Joni Mitchell
or Nirvana
nobody gives a ****
except for me

Fast food
Fast cars
Fast girls
Fast world

Fast paced
Shoes laced
Heightened heart rate
Don't be late

Sweat beading your being
Aren't you tired?
Your soul's taking a beating
Tweeting instead of reading
Face booking instead of looking up
Have you forgotten how to breathe?
Involuntary actions* now include refreshing your news feed

The best years of our lives wasted on the internet
Reblogging pictures that reflect our interests
Hoping the next follower is our next best friend
What happened to human interaction?
We're all connected by a single thread
Let's take a stand and realize this now instead of on our death beds

Look up
Look out
Look in
Lose doubts
Lose sin
Lose shame
Open your eyes
Forget the game

*autonomic functions

I thought I was happy and in love
That "us" would always mean, us Until you led me to question
What is love?
What is happiness?
And for months now I have been unable to decipher my mood
Within me lies the answer, well hidden
I'd say within my cold, black heart
But is it really dank and dark?
Surely flowers and sunbeams can't be bursting from my ribs
I feel no clawing from within the walls of my chest cavity
Is anyone home?
I have my doubts
The only clue is
It's beating keeps me up at night
If only it were methodical
It races until I catch it, take a few deep breaths
Sometimes it subsides
More often I wash my face with salt water
It licks my hide like a moon starved tide
I let it creep down my cheeks onto my lips
Until I'm dry and can dream about his fingertips
And not those of the person who loves me unconditionally
Then and only then do I feel true happiness
In our alternate reality
How I wish for our nonexistence

I'm hungry for what lies between your ears
Within your skull
But I know you won't tell me what's been blossoming behind your eyelids
For everything you see, a thesaurus unfolds
You won't let me thumb the pages
Your dialect reflects your well read imagination
Is there passion?
Or was this just a class?
A grade?
A presentation?
You might have me fooled
Hearing you recite your carefully crafted words
Sends me good vibrations
I hope you were serious about wanting to be a master of English education

glazed green eyes set ablaze with the flick of a lighter
inhaling with no avail
no true difference
just a weight lifted off her back for thirty minutes
thirty one..
thirty two...
thirty three..
thirty..4:20
thank goodness an excuse
light the fuse
blast the tunes
as long as she's dazed she's got nothing to lose
perception sweet and slow as honey

The funny thing is that
I don't like people who like themselves too much
Though I may think you are as amazing as you do
I won't let you know
I'll poke fun
Tell you that you're attractive but you already know that
Admire you from afar
You perform for me and I clap
But, people forget to ask me how I am
What I like to do
Not even a simple "and you?"
Still, every so often, I ask how you're doing, get replies but no questions back
I would much rather hear "*******"

Purely physical
Medicating residual movements
We were both good actors
Mirroring each other's actions
But now theres nothing that can sooth it
This lack of game
of chase
Cat and mouse
Mouse and cat
Chit chat
I cant bead around the bush
Your hand on my abdomen again
I want you to push
Collect your energy
Shoot it into me
Through your tongue and fingertips
I can't forget your lips
Lightly dragging across my collarbone and up my neck
Your tongue in my ear
I can still feel your breath
Digits imprinting hips
My fingers tracing the braille of your spine
It reads "maybe I'll call you later but I'll never call you mine"

I find it quite upsetting that after everything, it's still those bloodshot, blazing blue eyes that I dream of.
I thought I'd had enough.
Stomach settled, I believed I had purged you from my system.
No more of your virus plaguing my cells but only time tells what carnal desire craves.
It wants what it can't have.
I always like a challenge but they leave me stuck in quicksand.
The more i struggle to hold on the deeper I pull myself in.
I choke on the grains you force down my throat, grime licking my skin.
Eyes peppered with granules I smile and choke.
We stare into the black pits of each other's pupils.
You offer me a hand.
There's hope.
I'm hopeless.