I want nothing more in this world than to have a family

It's been my dream since I was probably too young to be thinking of such things

But I waited, and now at 24, the naivety that made that future glow seems to be dimming

Sometimes I don't know if I want to put children on this Earth

Knowing what they will have to witness on the news
Knowing they could be part of those events too

That they will likely need to work their butts off until they die
And all I can do is pray they can find a job they halfway like

Knowing there's a good chance I'm going to be working at a job that may make me not be able to be as present for them as I'd like to be, just so I can make enough money for their dad and I to make ends meet; I always hoped to be a stay at home mom and make them my priority

I want the best for them, and although I'd do my best, I still feel guilty that they'd have to experience the inevitable darkness in this world at one point or another

Is it selfish to bring kids into this world that we live in?

I saw bars around me and thought "prison"
Just realized it was a cradle
And I could climb out whenever I decided to

I refuse to, but
I want to drink very much at the moment
There is something about the dulling of my senses that helps make me feel more present
Finally, not feeling overstimulated
Distracted by my own morbid imagination
I just want to be normal
And sometimes it feels like it's the magic potion
But I know it's really poison
So I refuse to sip
(But goodness can I hear that clock tick, reminding me of every moment I waste white knuckling through the present)

I am tired of smiling
I am always looking for something to smile for
Any respite from this brain
But just as much because maybe it'll make others happy too

But the corners of my mouth are cramping
Cramping into a grimace

And I am tired of grimacing

I am tired of myself

I love you more than I've ever loved anything.
And I love very, very hard.

I will stand by your side no matter what tides come.
No matter how strong.

But if me leaving will make you better

I will.

I will do anything for you.

But just know I will never find anyone else.

I will wait for you forever.

I would rather die alone than with someone who isn't you by my side.

I wish I could make you understand

How much I trust you

But also how much I love you

And how much I worry

When you slur your words
or your "tells" come out.

I don't know what to do.
I don't want to accuse you but I don't want to let you slip back into being addicted to something

I wish I had the brain and the heart to sleuth it out.

But I'm too tired right now.

And I am so sorry for the both of us.

That body wash
That deodorant
That perfume

Used to be the only kinds I used

Now I can't stand the smell of them

I thought maybe it was because they reminded me of you

But I just realized it's because

They reek of a time I was trying so hard to bloom while I was wilting