I never felt more complete when I was with you
Which meant I never felt more incomplete than when you left
Please, don't fill my mind with ideas
Of you coming back
Of us being us again
I am just starting to feel like
Maybe I could be whole on my own

if I let myself feel the pain
from it's edges to its pulpy-est parts
I fear I'd never be able
To put the pieces back together the way they were at the start
And I cannot decide whether this would be a blessing or a curse

Whether I would be a phoenix
Or just ashes

avoidance
isolation

my protector
my savior

and the knife that cuts too deeply the softest parts of me

and the actress forgets she is playing a character
that she was an actress even

it is only when the lights in the theatre come on
that she reorients herself

fingers tracing the braille of the mask she forgot she wore
the world begins to warp and spin and she finds herself

home amongst the fears
of a reality worse than nightmares

i no longer long for silent, smiling fragility
collarbones poking against the confines of trembling flesh

i now long to be
strong in my softness

no matter how my body be

Everyone thinks I chose psychology as my major because I want to help people
And they're not wrong
But, perhaps almost just as much, I wanted to figure out what type of crazy I am and how to sooth it

Too many nights of my brain flying out the window
Towards every direction there is and isn't
Everywhere but where I need it
Wishing it would crash on the pavement over, and over and over, til there is nothing but darkness
Finally, a restful sleep
Where did that knife come from?
Why am I smiling with a knife in my hand, pointed toward me?
Why am I fantasizing about taking a flying leap from that little window in our apartment
I remember thinking I'd be one with the birds song those few moments in the air

It is only now, years from that scene that I know this will never be my fate
I will never let my life be taken by my own hands.

I am proud, but I am also scared. I can no longer lay in the odd solace of these thoughts when my brain begins eating itself.

And I don't know what to do but live.

And I don't know what to do but live.

I do not need to bare my teeth to be happy
You can never see or know how hard my soul smiles