What if it's me
What if I am the one who is ****** up
What if my ideals are intangible
What if I am the only person who is right for me
Even though I tell myself I hate myself daily
What if the loss of the spark I once felt between us
Isn't your fault but my own
What if I lost all of my feelings during an attempt to analyze them
What if every little thought that runs through my brain
Is pointless

you love me
in the most brutish of ways
you throw me over your shoulder
sometimes you make me pay
your hands are always on my *******
or the weight of your head is crushing my chest
i can't keep this sick feeling at bay
i never used to mind, or even notice these things
as time drips by i build up a wall not even your **** can penetrate
though you beg nearly every day
my libido is at a stalemate
things have gotten stale, mate
but i know you love me
when im puking and you ask me, "are you okay? are you awake?"
"breathe through your nose. just breathe. get some water down. take a break."
as i spew over the rare flag your friend gave to you, that he stole from the track at the race
you show me you love me
but when i ask why or how you feel
you come up with nothing
and words mean everything to me
but i suppose if you asked me the same
i'd come up with just as much

i truly disgust myself
you love me more than i deserve
i left your *** for a pretty boy who promised to marry me and take care of me from the moment we met
and you begged for me back
your lips touched mine only hours after he kissed me goodbye
and i still cringed when ours finally met
you can guilt me into anything
i couldn't leave you bleeding on the pavement
tears cascading down your face
I never knew you cared so much
i told you this and it just made you cry harder
but still i long for lust
i used to feel so much passion towards you
if you left me, i surely would have taken my own life
but now, numbness tingles dully through my body
i go through the motions in the hope that you wont notice
i no longer feel the way that made life worth living
i miss knowing that there is nobody better than you
now i spend every day debating whether i should stay
something doesn't feel right
but you love me far too much
and i know you'll take good care of me
so long as you neglect that i truly am disgusting

i keep dreaming that
my bottom left tooth is pulsating with pain
hanging by a string
and i can't decide whether to tear it out myself
see a professional
or leave it alone in the hopes that it will mend itself
i cry and i play, imagining the space it will leave
how unlike myself I'll be if i let it go
replacements are hard to come by
but i can only imagine the relief I'll feel once it's gone no matter how much i bleed
i can't tell my lover these things
i carelessly told him the meaning behind lost teeth in dreams

hedonism has lead me to want nothing but
more
just this once turns into
anytime, anywhere
happiness is relative
sadness is unfathomable
because there is always a fix
always a high
sorry I've been acting so low
I preach that not all who wander are lost
but i happen to be
to live a life dependent on selfish highs
or regret every decision I don't make

i smile too hard in social situations
to make up for the fact that i've sorted through my every thought and can't find anything of interest to say
and i blush at every compliment i receive
because i'm too embarrassed to disagree
you see
I'm kind of vapid
but it's only because I can't control the voice inside my head
I'm not crazy, unfortunately
I'm just overly self aware
and i want you to know that we are stardust
but you're only interested in superstars
and I'm only interested in companionship
so I'll entertain you with magic tricks
I want friends
**** their ***
but women judge me too harshly
and men don't judge me on the right things
they like my mind, but abuse my body
i only care for souls
for records
and old pictures of kids in bulky glasses
neon bellbottoms and
flower power wallpaper
plastering the walls of an alternate universe
where i may blossom and open up
like a flower in the rain