I, too, sometimes wish you could see the pain amongst my merriment, At least for understanding sometimes, maybe. I’m sort of like this stolen piece of art, I was dragged into this side of my mind with out choice. Only because of certain things in my life that have happened to me. They always said it was good to explore things on your own for once, but not this, this is the side of me that I wish was expendable. This is the side of me I wish I never knew. I have a certain type of pain inside of me that I wish for it to just vanish, but it isn't that easy once it decides to make you it's home. It's hard to cope with these feelings, even if you are happy at the time, because it's always those 3 AM thoughts that ravishes your conscience. The whole “What is wrong with you?" "Are you insane?” "Why do you write of such things?" questions are completely overrated. It flusters me to the max when people ask me why do I look at things so deeply; maybe you would too if you had been through a lot of trauma, if your mind was consumed daily by memories; always feeling so nostalgic, you regret taking all of your happy memories for granted, because though you're making some beautiful ones now, they will never be more beautiful than the ones before, and that I would say, could be apart of the hurt I feel inside. No one should ever take anything for granted, and before you know it, your life has flashed right before your own eyes. It's not just the good memories that pop up either, there are the dark, time consuming thoughts that eat you alive too. Those are the deadly ones, the ones you have to watch out for. The ones that make me hurt. That is the side of me that I hate the most, because no matter how happy I could be, they still find a way to ruin me in a way, but I swear, one day, one day in my life at some point, I will have finally destroyed this side of me. Oh, Is it ever going to be battle; me against my own self, how contradicting does that sound, but there has always been a war inside of me.
There is so much more behind that smile, that smile I give off; sometimes it's real as can be, and other times, it acts like more of a warning sign, but it's the fact that I am good at hiding my emotions, but in the end; I'd rather feel numb, than nothing at all. To feel nothing at all is the worst feeling imaginable, you feel so dead; like you're not even here mentally, just physically trying to make it through each day. I wish to never feel that way again, but then again, sometimes you cannot simply help the way you feel, and that is my weakness; I dive too deep into an ocean that I cannot swim in, that ocean is a thousand thoughts dragging me under, to where I cannot simply breathe straight; these are those 3 AM moments you just wish you could be asleep, so that at least maybe your dreams could take the bad things that pop up in your head, away from drowning you in it's sick, consternated pool. It's hazy down here, where I cannot see so clear, and the only thing left for me to do is keep reaching up above the surface, hoping someone will grab my hands. I do not depend on other people to make me happy, but I would be lying if I said I wouldn't mind having someone to help save me from myself.