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Cassidy Jun 2014
I, too, sometimes wish you could see the pain amongst my merriment, At least for understanding sometimes, maybe. I’m sort of like this stolen piece of art, I was dragged into this side of my mind with out choice. Only because of certain things in my life that have happened to me. They always said it was good to explore things on your own for once, but not this, this is the side of me that I wish was expendable. This is the side of me I wish I never knew. I have a certain type of pain inside of me that I wish for it to just vanish, but it isn't that easy once it decides to make you it's home. It's hard to cope with these feelings, even if you are happy at the time, because it's always those 3 AM thoughts that ravishes your conscience. The whole “What is wrong with you?" "Are you insane?” "Why do you write of such things?" questions are completely overrated. It flusters me to the max when people ask me why do I look at things so deeply; maybe you would too if you had been through a lot of trauma, if your mind was consumed daily by memories; always feeling so nostalgic, you regret taking all of your happy memories for granted, because though you're making some beautiful ones now, they will never be more beautiful than the ones before, and that I would say, could be apart of the hurt I feel inside. No one should ever take anything for granted, and before you know it, your life has flashed right before your own eyes. It's not just the good memories that pop up either, there are the dark, time consuming thoughts that eat you alive too. Those are the deadly ones, the ones you have to watch out for. The ones that make me hurt. That is the side of me that I hate the most, because no matter how happy I could be, they still find a way to ruin me in a way, but I swear, one day, one day in my life at some point, I will have finally destroyed this side of me. Oh, Is it ever going to be battle; me against my own self, how contradicting does that sound, but there has always been a war inside of me.

There is so much more behind that smile, that smile I give off; sometimes it's real as can be, and other times, it acts like more of a warning sign, but it's the fact that I am good at hiding my emotions, but in the end; I'd rather feel numb, than nothing at all. To feel nothing at all is the worst feeling imaginable, you feel so dead; like you're not even here mentally, just physically trying to make it through each day. I wish to never feel that way again, but then again, sometimes you cannot simply help the way you feel, and that is my weakness; I dive too deep into an ocean that I cannot swim in, that ocean is a thousand thoughts dragging me under, to where I cannot simply breathe straight; these are those 3 AM moments you just wish you could be asleep, so that at least maybe your dreams could take the bad things that pop up in your head, away from drowning you in it's sick, consternated pool. It's hazy down here, where I cannot see so clear, and the only thing left for me to do is keep reaching up above the surface, hoping someone will grab my hands. I do not depend on other people to make me happy, but I would be lying if I said I wouldn't mind having someone to help save me from myself.
Cassidy Dec 2013
People often ask me "Why are you such a good writer?" I reply with a simple statement; My heart has felt many things in which the human eyes can only dream of trying to see.
Most people don't know what it's like to hurt;
I mean to really hurt
Inside
To where your bones become fragile
And the veins that hold your blood
Become cold
To the skin that wraps around you;
A walking
Breathing
Vessel;
You suddenly become grey

Then there you are;
All alone
Left with nothing but your thoughts

With memories from as far as
You can remember

What better thing to do
Then write down the innovative thoughts
That is stored inside ones mind
Cassidy Nov 2013
Some of us long
To be held by that
Special someone one day,
When others that have been
Hurt, Long not to get so many
Restless nights;
With that person being on your
Mind, Constantly

It's almost sickening,
It's leaves you stuck,
And with your emotions
Running wild,
You almost feel drained
Cassidy Oct 2013
So, we begin here; In the mind of an insomniac. Crazy you say? Ha, well this is just the beginning of a road that travels through my thoughts. I am quite restless; I don't have much to say; not much on my mind at all, except for you of course. I still haven't seemed to fallen asleep yet; I guess it's the countless memories of you that replay in my head. One by one they fold in my mind like tiny silhouettes on a blank wall. Rain drops can make silhouettes too right? Well, It's amazing how rain can affect my mood; It's raining right now and I love listening to the rain drops fall down and hit my window seal. It's soothing. It's like counting sheep but instead, it's how many rain drops reach the bottom of my window before it stops raining. It actually reminds me of you in the strangest ways, but yet the sweetest pictures of your everyday life suddenly come up in my mind; They often remind me of how there is a long road in between us that we will never get to travel down together, and how your laugh is a question I could spend the rest of my life answering.

c.c.
Cassidy Sep 2013
We have a special place for thoughts in the course of our veins; When how our lungs hold all the memories and fragile moments that we seem to never forget,

We forget to take care of the air between our ribs when we realize that our bones have begun to rust,

I do not wish to fall apart; But my skin has gone quite brittle and grey,

The lining around every tear that I shall drop becomes something more; It turns into a mold that covers my heart,

A fragile glass that can break; With the weight of too much pain, It soon begins to crack into meaningless pieces,

I think it would be best if I wasn't around, If I was alone;

When the rest of me starts to decay away.

c.c.
Cassidy Jul 2013
Where would I be now
If i wasn't ruined?
Hurt?
Broken?
It all destroys you,
Likewise making a
Beautiful mess,
It makes you lose
Control,
You're no longer fighting,
You eventually give up,
On everything,
You're no longer trying
To breathe in the air
All around you,
Trying to eat,
You can't even sleep
The way you once could,
It's waking up everyday
Wishing you had
Died in your sleep;
From crying in the
Shower just so no one can
Hear you weep,
From laying in your bed
Early in the mornings
Wishing you were never
Born;
It's where cutting yourself
Just to let yourself know
That you can still feel,
To the point where
The pain doesn't even
Matter anymore,
It's just a feeling,
A rush,
Of letting yourself know
You're still alive,
After all you've
Been going through;
This massive monster
You've turned yourself into
Caves in on you,
Consuming you,
Making you whole,
It becomes a part of you;
So now I answer,
Where would I be now
If I wasn't ruined;
Oh sweet naïve child,
This is all I've ever
Known

c.c.
Cassidy Jul 2013
The sweetest sadness

In her eyes;

They were looking

Back at me

In the mirror,

Almost appealing,

A linger that

Lusted for

Happiness
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