i want to want my life to be calm, and quiet

From where I stand I wonder if there is a better option at all
Sitting here wishing we were 17
When we could blame our age or our experience or the drugs, man when now we can't even look at each other
You didn't peel back your skin and show me how your blood flows because I didn't ask you to
You never told me you would never leave me because I didn't want to know
You never promised forever because we agreed
That forever is a concept humans created
To comfort themselves from the inevitability of death, and decay
Silently i promised you forever
Because for me forever is a moment that you can't get back,
Forever is knowing that what you have now is all you'll ever have,
As far as we are concerned
Forever is inside me,
Forever is not a promise, it's a warning

Two months ago my grandma's spirit
Started leaving her body
She hadn't passed yet but
She had no use for this realm anymore
I wondered where spirits go
And who would tell me I'm wonderful
And beautiful and perfect
Once she was gone

Two months ago my mother and I
Planted morning glories
On our old rusted lightpost
"They never grow for me," she said
"Every year I try and they just never latch on, never grow how they're supposed to"
She glanced at me as if she wasn't talking about flowers anymore
"If they bloom I will kiss you with joy"

Nearly always, I do not feel wonderful
Or beautiful or perfect
But as time passed and I questioned
Why we all try
Just to suffer and die
In your home, in your hell
After twenty, thirty, or eighty years
I realized that the vines had taken over the post, had overgrown the broken lightbulb
The twisted vines full of buds
Had reached over 7 feet

My grandma's hands could grow any flower on this planet
But she was not a flower
She was not delicate
She did not need to be coddled
She is the weeds that you yank out every weekend just to grow back
She is a mighty cactus in Arizona

She is the morning glories in my front lawn,
Living by the earth instead of it's seasons
She could have been a redwood
Or a rare plant, remotely in Tahiti
Protected, strong, beautiful
She is the morning glories on my front lawn to remind me
"So can you"

Besides being vaporized,
We can only imagine intense light
Intense heat
As unfathomable as nothingness
Should the ability to blind be praised?
Should something matter just because it refuses to be ignored?

I reach down to the earth and know
That everything that has
Ever mattered to me has rested on it
I reach for any star
As close as I can get to touching it
Knowing that everything
I've ever thought was impossible
Is just beyond my fingertips

Why do I find you there
Under and beyond my fingertips?
Are you the earth I grow on?
Are you those stars I long to live in?

i am sitting in the office
listening to the old women i work with
they rarely work, usually gossip
sometimes talk about work or the lack therof which they do
one woman is talking about
how her ultimate downfall
when she had started this job
was that she didn't
clean the **** off of the bottom of the sinks

before i tuned into that conversation,
stephen hawking had just informed me
that the ultimate goal of every human
is to have an absolute theory for why we're here
how we got here
and what that means
as i tuned in to their exhange
i wonder if this is hyperbole
(as was their conversation)
since these women didn't appear to care
why they're here
perhaps the theory of relativity
works with minds as well
the farther away you get from an idea
the more it repels you

burning and destructing
until only our souls are recognizable
seeing the world through new eyes
each time we venture
into the life we had lived before
we must beg the question:
does this belong with me
with what i have become
must i build my new life
from pieces of the old,
if they are not reborn as i have been
or am i meant to start anew
and dig deeper to wonder:
should they become unrecognizable,
as i have,
will we ever rekindle?
are we supposed to?

never apologize for words thrown carelessly
or words not spoken at all
let the heat smolder beneath the surface
until you are full of hot magma

tick
tock

explosion will be rebirth
but your relationship
will be ashes

dying only makes it harder
for those who are still living
but I am so sick
of living for other people

Mid July nights
You roll over
And we're in a new city
I taste the adrenaline on your fingertips
As we taste each other in a new city

It is home just for one night
I wish I could call your eyes home again
But lately you're in another galaxy
Somewhere far away from here
If I ever found you,
Would you let me stay?

simple ******

Long, rolling thunder
In the dead of night

A crack of lightning,
Iridescent and bright

A slow drizzle
Stuck in the morning light

See me once,
Then I'm out of sight

Love me with all you've got
Before you ask yourself
What we should be

You can't get sad
Over what it was
Rather ask yourself
What is it now?

At least now
I have the scar
To prove
That everyone hurts me
(Don't take my word for it, just look)

People who glorify sadness
Aren't drowning
They just tie bricks to their feet

Sometimes I have nightmares
Where everyone I've ever cared about
Leaves me
When I wake up,
I realize
Nightmares can be real

Love
Every second
Of wild
Insanity

As the edges of the world
Turn orange and red
It's comforting
And ominous
To mark the end of another day,
Never truly knowing
If you'll ever have another
The sunset always tries it's best
And so should you

Stop looking for God
In the bottom of a bottle
Or somewhere in a dime bag
Do you see angels
When you pop pill after pill?
Do they sing
As you fill your lungs?
When you sleep at night
Do they send you celestial messages?
No, they don't
And now you're more than alone
Because you've lost yourself, too

I lost the moon
When I was looking for stars
That's okay
Because you did too

Now we both need to start
Looking for the sun instead
Sadly, we won't look at each other

My feelings never faded over time
They only got stronger
But things got hard
You got scared
Now we're both alone
Battling a tsunami
With only a small life raft
And hope that one day
We'll get washed to the same shore

You stopped wanting me
Because I didn't do drugs
So I just didn't understand
Now I do drugs
And you still don't want me
But at least I'm too high to care

Was a hurricane every single day
In every breath and every moment
Was
Was
Was
**** it,
It still is

This isn't who I am
& that's the point

I'm losing myself
And I'm happy about it

I'll try it your way
I saw the stars of
A new galaxy last week
I drank myself into a crisis
And flew over the ruins
Of the life we never got to live
Together
They say
If you can't beat em, join em
But you are still unreachable

Of all the things you said to me
I never thought I love you
Would hurt the most

I've always been ******* drowning
And you held my head above water
But you didn't bring me to land

We've come full circle
From intertwining hearts
Connected mind body and soul
To being strangers
Who can't think of one thing to talk about
I feel myself changing again
And I think if you'd let me show you
We'd have more in common
Than different
Again

55 in a 35,
Window open on a sub zero day
I realize I am simply
A rendition of what my parents
Hate most of themselves
I am the things they feared of becoming
I jump voids for fun
And laugh until my head goes numb
I know my heart and I know it's broken
But I am comforted knowing
That I can rewrite myself
As many times as I need
Act on my impulses every day
Until I am unrecognizable
I'm not afraid to be
The crazy one anymore
I guess that's just what happens
When something irreparable snaps
Deep inside you
I smile in relief,
And speed up to 70

Music blaring in my car
As I sip bitter coffee
If you could see me now,
You'd tell me,
"You never liked this song.
You never liked black coffee &
You told me you weren't addicted
To anything, let alone cigarettes"
Of course I'd tell you that
Since I didn't want to tell you
That your touch on my skin
Instantly invades my bloodstream
Makes it hard to think
Takes the pain away
I didn't want you to know
That the only thing I've allowed myself
To get addicted to
Is you

We're all playing the same game
On different levels
We're all fighting like hell
Just with different devils

You whispered sweet nothings
In my ear
For two years
I didn't know they were nothings
Until you left
Because for so long,
They were everything

You go looking for trouble
Because wind and rain
And snow and clouds
Make life exciting
Right?
And who wants dull,
Clear blue skies every day
Anyways?
But after awhile
You get a few too many clouds,
A little too much rain
And you start to forget
Those clear blue days
That you were so bored of

Going 75 in a 30 at midnight,
Screaming my favorite song
I am comforted
Knowing that I can move
As fast as my thoughts

I wanted so badly to be with you
That I dropped down to your level
& the view is beautiful
From underneath the waves

I always thought you were beautiful
So I tried to mimic the lines
Of your body
On my body
Now I'm only bleeding

Haven't felt hungry
Since we last spoke
All I crave is your touch
My body says differently
My hip bones jut out
Legs barely touching
I trace the lines
Of where my body used to end
With brilliant red
Open skin
Trying to resemble
The open fire I felt
When you touched me
It didn't work
You still aren't here to care
Where the hell did you go?

My first time
Wasn't as important
As the first time
I laid in your arms
And thought I might
Be able to keep you

I guess if you're done
******* me over
You can go **** yourself
Instead

Dazed
Stumbling through
My formerly put-together life
Fallen around me
This is the first time
My memories are
More dangerous
Than reality

Because you weren't there
To give a **** about me
Anymore

Sometimes you meet people
Who make you feel
Like you're taking a breath of air
For the first time after nearly drowning
Sometimes they will stay
And teach you to swim
Sometimes they will leave
Leave you in the undertow

You knew it was ****** up
To show up here,
The only place I can go to forget
It's like you don't want me to
And if you don't want me to forget,
Then you never wanted it to end
And if that's true
Then why are we
On separate sides of the table
Both lonely?

And I love you,
So much more than I love myself

That to say I lost myself
When you left
Is an insult 

To you