carissa

carissa Sep 2022

Perhaps all along I was the addict that I tried so desperately tried to avoid.
You were a drug and I was the abuser.
Although you carried all the harm and potential threat
I still consumed you like a child does Halloween candy
rather than teeth, you rotted my self worth.
Yet I am still addicted to you?

carissa Sep 2022

incompetent

I always had a nervous habit of talking too much;
What should I tell others about myself and what was meant to be kept to myself never quite made sense to me.
I want to have clear communication with any and all who interacted with me but it left me with no one to converse with.
Was I a problem I and others couldn’t resolve or was I simply a textbook others didn’t wish to read at all?
Have my words slowly started to mean nothing to myself as well, is that why I can no longer hear my voice in my own thoughts?
It's as though I have drowned out the girl who wanted to understand and experience all and have decorated her corpse with someone so incompetent of meaning or purpose.
Maybe being happier has taught
me I don’t need to overthink…
No, I am simply unable to have a solid thought without starving my brain of needed and well deserved sleep.
Sometimes I miss the intense beauty things had when I was unhappy.

Subject to Copy Right

carissa Jan 2018

We the Strays

We the strays look each other in the eyes and don't see straight through, but we see you; We live realistically and only see what you make visible.
We the strays don't look for flaws, but ways we can improve.
WE the strays are a pact, we won't leave for a pity performance.
I as a stray dance to the tune of your heart beat.
You as a stray mimic my movements in synch.
We as stays have made our feet sore with the pulse of our own song.
<3

carissa Jul 2017

Untitled

I'm not hungry. I'm not sad. I'm not cold hearted.
I'm Starving. I'm devastated. I'm afraid of getting too close and losing everything.

carissa Jun 2017

I wish to see a me, that is truly me?

You don't know me yet, but maybe you will..
you don't see dont see me yet, but you may as well.
the more and more I see you the more and more I wanna be you.
you're everything I wish to be, but you are not me!

carissa May 2017

Cain, and Abel?

my faith is being torn, not by those of unholy, but of thoughts in my head. the thoughts of sinful words and sinful actions.

the thoughts of lustful intention, of those too close to hurt, and too far to touch.
the thoughts hurting no one but myself, because the light blinds me to where I myself can not see the dark sins that lay before me.

The sins of ****** and theft can no longer be seen, because with a holy; blinding light that I as a child could only see as a gift. I have grown and now see that that light was not a gift but a distraction to the evil that does exist, not only to ensure the devil can use the most helpless to the most independent, but he could use me; that terrifying fact leans me back to the book i once hated to read.

the one of tales of greatness and yes even death, because even Jesus himself was murdered for being hated or being a threat, just as did Abel. restore my faith in one that god has dissembled be forth a angel, a hope to save me once more.

carissa May 2017

Untitled

I want to take back on words I have said, the one I still do, and I know I will always say. to the words that made me choke to the ones that make me afraid to speak at all
the one I mostly say to the wrong people, to you. I wish I knew a different language to where I can no longer harm you. I have sat here for so long watching the clock turn thinking of what to say before I say nothing at all. to thinking of you to daydreaming about another problem because focusing has become a wish that no one can grant. your smile will show in my thoughts but only when I see you. I cant stand the thought of loosing you, but i don't have jealousy, but don't confuse that for me not caring, I care for you with all my heart, all of it. I have learned to hate eye contact with you it feels like a retreat of forgetting what we had before, but we never had anything to begin with, other than a one sided loved, with your walls built up.