I dreamt one night that I was swimming in the Nile.
And then,
I was.

I was given
Death’s stone stare
And I couldn’t help
but
ssssnickerrrr
As I resumed
The sin of life

I am the most miserable amoeba aboard the amoeba train
I am the not so **** she-wolf of the amoeba train
because the amoeba train took me to Vegas and moved on--
I’m now a monkey!
An ugly monkey with blonde hair
and huge **** made of Tonka Trucks
I ******* hate these bananas!
Someone tell these toddlers
to stop playing with my *******!

I'm not kidding
(you sure as hell weren't )

big ***** Judy
had some
i guess you could say
body
image
issues
you could call them
body
issues
there was some
i dunno
in utero
conflict
and she
some how
head butted
her twin brother in the womb
but not in the way you're all
probably
so quick to think of
THINK ABOUT IT
but actually
uhh
don't
think
too much
about it
because it is
in fact
too much
back to Judy
she didn't much like
her patootie
nor did her mother
and nor did
many of the mothers
of others
i don't want to be
too quick
to say
that Judy had "problems"
but sure as ****
sherlock
quick to fit
oh yeah
Judy had
PROBLEMS
she couldn't handle
most of what we call
school
the work
the stress
the this
the that
set to a soundtrack
of shouts and clamors  
from ******* classmates
fatty fatty
boom
ballatti
2 by 4
can't fit through
the kitchen door
really?
um
pardon me
but
what kind of narrow
French
Doors
in what kind of kitchen
are we talking about?
anyway
a stones throw away from that *** ed period
oh ****
let’s talk about her period
Curse of Eve?
**** my ****!
Her in house aggression seemed to say to herself
and naturally
to no one else
returning to that **** but not so much
educational period
it was a nightmare
judy can't help but remember when "it"
suddenly
became
one nasty *** personal pronoun
that only meant "***"
so sadly
on the way to girl scout camp
when judy turned around
to tell the motormouthed ******* in the back seat
to watch their language
because it'll become a crutch
and they'll start
"doing it in school"
all of a sudden
Judy
is some sort of deviant
only because of
"it"
what is
and was it
about being a little bit overweight
that made the boys and girls
treat the little bit
like it was
I dunno
a lot
wrong question
Judes
what is it about
being shy
seemingly vulnerable
and weak
that made the boys and girls
latch on
with unceasing enthusiasm
most people
young ones
especially
are troubled by the same things
that taunted Judy
but most of those others
had
uh
what?
an “outlet”?
**** that
Judy
Judy
JUDY
human beings
are *******
joey
james
johnson
dickshit
who always called you fat and such
is probably shooting ******
into his insignificant toes
or maybe his genitals
hope for the worse
hope it’s his genitals
back in middle school
when everyone thought they were more important
than they actually are
were just as terrified
but ****
they had that ******* “outlet”
unlike  judy
but the new judy
with a lesser but mostly the same patootie
won't worry
and won't dwell on it
because
one day
she's going to satirize the **** out of you numbskulls
enjoy yourself
while you can
because Judy
has already dissolved
into laughter
hardy har har
******
and mimbos
*******
how do you feel now?

*****.
doesn't really matter.

It was my party I cried and I will continue to do so if I want to        
Happy Birthday you’re adopted and your mother’s a *****
put a smile on you’ve got company
GET BENT

Don’t get mad!
Get glad,
then go crazy

Have I told you about my wife?
Middle aged
Muslim woman
She uh
She uh
She a
Shiite
Catholic
No
Not quite
Not on Fridays
Only eat fish
On Fridays
Unless
Unless you forget
Unless you're next to lake Michigan
Have I told you about my African History professor?
Osumaka
Osumaka Likaka
Cotton
Cotton in Colonial Zaire
Not for the weak of heart
If he sees your ankles
He might mistake it as a personal attack
Or invitation
Too much rumble
Tummy tumble
Eat some shellfish
Eat some pork
God didn’t forget
But we did
Whoops
If God saw you break your fast
when you were *******
What does that say about God?
And if God saw you being intimate with Osumaka
What would upset him more?
The fact that you broke your fast again with the *******?
Or the fact that you weren’t wearing your burka?
You just wore the hood?
Good
Thank God for swine
Thank God for shellfish
And most of all, thank God for burkas
Because you are one ugly *****.

If there is
a way out
well then
there must always
be a way in

Bad *** MC
decided to play piano
when he saw the economy wasn't anything interesting

I ironed my fingers
To my blouse this morning
They make a fine accessory

Eat honeydew on your honeymoon but don't elope with a cantaloupe for obvious reasons

walter paired the president with a *******
the patriotic biddy shed a few layers
roaming the streets with hack hand
fleeting flirtations with a smile
the surface aside
she hasn’t spoken with her mother in years
America powered her center
radiating from head to groin
love never caught a glimpse
before her allure wore thin
and her junk went south
the whites and red of her eyes
above her puffy blue lips
that go-getting ****
kept the stars and stripes
folded
as they should be

A frat boy's superficial nightmare
selfishly appropriates the dance floor with her all too big of a ***
with two legs like a grand piana
thank God mommy didn't name her “Hannah”
she ain't too nifty
but tries with the hope of one day weighing less than 250
with her love handles only do so with extreme caution
don't you dare mention how you sit next to her in a class of 60  
though her desk is situated at the other end of the room
tell her she's pretty
but move into ultrasound when completing the phrase with a direct reference to plump or ugliness laugh if you find this funny
and don't if you don't
but don't don't don't tell me to leave subversion
to people who actually know how it works
because I do
but I do not think it's appropriate to call this satire
because it's so close to what I've heard and what so many young women hear on a daily basis
so please
remember your acne
your pygmy genitalia
and the embarrassing fact that you
and the last carbon-based life form you had as a ****** partner
share a set of grandparents
be a gentleman
keep your chauvinistic squeals to a minimum as you compare such women out of your league
to pigs because your tail couldn't be more of a spiral at this point
*******
get out of the way to make room for us sea cows
immaturity
jealousy
****** frustration aside
whether you like it or not
this is where we ******* swim

In
and around
the corner of my big green eye
he’s not what I thought
but I’m happy to see him
happy to see me
wipe that smile off your face
before it falls off
in twos
and threes

the last white ******* earth
to be picked up from soccer practice
quickly tightens her burka
and eventually goes to hell in three different religions
before your blue and yellow macaw shuts the **** up and dies

In between the hours
of each day
I open and close my mouth
to see
what it is
I’d really like to say

Opportunity knocks
and is at the door.
Sorry,
not at all interested

he brought me the moon
when all I wanted
were saturn’s rings
wrapped around my fingers

**** dogs
and cats
Hooray beer

Real men don't tie their shoes
or wash their hands before eating
but should revert back to the Stone Age
at least three days a week

MATCHing rings
A MATCH made in heaven
KNOCKED up
KNOCKing on the front door
WHO?
JOHNNY LAW
that’s WHO
JOHNNY the LAW abiding citizen
ATTACHing his left eye to a telescope
ATTACHed to the image of your RIGHT ******
RIGHT through your open window
NEAR to your husband’s damp face
NEARing the ground below

single mother
pale, Chekhovian
her social status an anachronism
the length of her skirt another
dollar bills bring sustenance
while the ends that are ever so failing to meet
remind her of an inability to cope
in every single way
every single day

Safe and sound
Sounds good to me

I took quite a leap
and kissed the girl that I love
only to find out
seconds later
that she’d vomited
moments before

my only friend in the world and no one from occident to orient can (will) do
anything to lengthen her  (battery) life

Get em while they're hot
and bothered
bit of an eyesore
quite an inconvenience
never a good idea
We're big
but we sure as hell ain't happy

I prefer the chapstick
to the lip stick.
I have nothing to hide
while the red stained ladies and gents have little to show

Married to the mob
not in Vegas
not in Rome
don't tell Detroit I'm coming
I have my mind set
on  pseudonyms in San  Francisco

Mid morning
On the subway
Out of the corner of my eye
I catch a glimpse of my soul mate
You have no idea how displeased
I am with her choice of outfit

(I’ve had better)

There was an automobile accident
that painted the town red
with a splash of gray.
No need to linger,
really,
move along
there’s nothing to see here
that you haven’t seen before

In the middle of my nap
I sank into my mattress
This quiet is much better
Than the noise I left on top

Do you remember what’s her name?
From the Little Mermaid?
She was 50% octopus
30% Janet Reno
And 20% Elton John
Well, she used to be my choir teacher
Only I never really learned how to sing
Because I would spend each class period
Trying to avoid her tentacles
“LOUDER!
You sound like you’re underwater!”
Oh, I thought you already knew?
I hope you don’t think
I was trying to insult Elton
By comparing him to a monster
Because
For a witch
For a monster
She did have a great set of pipes

silly things thought the tiny little thingummies
one thought it strange to place the couch so close to the door
with no agreement in sight
and yet, with one puff
****
everything is as, how and where it should be

Keep your comments to yourself
I’ll keep my bullets to the side
Through the center of President Ford’s head
Gerald Fordhead
Gerald Forehead
President Gerald Ford’s forehead
You want grey matter?
You get a miscalculation
In flashy red and blue
You heard a squeak
You know it’s me
Charlie never taught me how to surf
Charlie doesn’t even know how to surf
But then again, who does?
If I belong in the ocean
Then why do I have these hips?
Sorry, too much information
Please look the other way
And you’ll hear me
As I squeak
Squeak away

it takes one to know one
but it takes two or three to make it interesting

I used to be used to being used.
Best be used to it
again

If I found my mother dead
I’d imagine myself at her funeral
I’d walk up to the casket
and ask quietly
“You comfortable in there?”
Would it have killed her to explain herself?
Evidently so.

I used to enjoy the sound that the hooves of horses made
When traveling across cobble stone streets,
so it's a shame,
that the majority of the time it doesn't come from a horse at all
but from some idiot
hitting the two halves
of a hollowed out coconut together.
Some idiot who has the pleasure of walking around on two legs and doesn't have
to stand when sleeping
and doesn't have to worry about “strangles”
because “strangles” doesn't mean anything to this idiot
but then again “strangles” probably wouldn't mean much to a horse
If you were to talk to a horse about “strangles”.
Clip clop, clip clop, clip clop
*******,  
you're not fooling me.

sleep easy
but stay ******
and queasy

[Ready?]
Yes but I really don’t approve of your obvious use of anabolic steroids. It’s an amoral and cowardly shortcut. And don’t even get me started on the innumerable adverse effects. Don’t even get me started.
[Can you keep up ?]
Of course but can we talk? Can we talk? The size and shape of your head is comical who do you think you’re kidding? You have, by far, the roundest head I’ve ever seen. I can’t help but imagine you as an obtuse High School English professor who doesn’t understand the source of his students’ laughter but really, it’s because you gave me a C on an essay because you say I had a “circular” argument. Or as an equally clueless physics professor generating chuckles left and right in response to your lecture on “spherical” whatsits in a vacuum.
[Are you tired?]
No, we’re not done yet—Am I right? Am I right? Look at you. If God ever were to create guns or pumps or pecs of that size, it would only be by way of some syntax error.
[How about now?]
No, let me finish—Who are you trying to impress? Masculinity most certainly isn’t the word to use. I’d say monstrosity. Who do you think is or would be attracted to a walking, talking industrial sized freezer. If a woman needs protection, she’ll find a guard dog of necessary ferocity. Or maybe, she’ll cultivate some kind of relationship with you and find comfort in the fact that if she ever upsets you, you could break the ***** in half without the slightest hitch.
[……]
I don’t even want to know the state of the pinpricks you at one point called your testicles
[……]
I wouldn’t even say it’s proper to call you “Mr. Universe”. You’re big, but you’re not that big. I’m more inclined to call you “Mr. Pampered and Pumped up New England”. I cannot comfortably call you Mr. Universe because I’m not comfortable having you represent my universe. The “Mr.” signals the “Master”. That’s just appalling. And what is with the spray tan? What is the true pasty picture of Mr. Universe throughout the winter months?  If someone ever has a question for the Master of the universe, I’ll be sure to tell them to direct their questions to the beefed up and bloated tangerine to my left.
[……]
……
[……]
Are we done?
[No]
How far have we gone?
[Nowhere]
What?
[You have gone too far, but we haven’t even walked out the door. Once you’re finished running your mouth, we can work on getting your fat, saggy *** into shape.]

*******?
Strap off
the physical manifestation of ***** envy
oh that desire to oppose
oh that needing to be plastic
always wanting to dominate
always wanting to be in control
very little physical contact
very little conversation
not quite plastic
more like rubber
occasionally bumping into flesh
keeping in mind what’s wrong and what’s stupid
presenting yourself like a weapon
GET STAUNCH
PROCREATE
never wanting to stop
never needing to stop
going on,
only to go on
and on
and on.

Girl, wait. Don't you interrupt me.

How much is one?
One what?
One of these?
One too many
One short
One day at one time
each one time specific to each one day
From one person
to another one
one thing
always leads to other ones

worker ant caught visiting a brothel doesn't understand why the giant bread crumbs bump into each other in such a way.

I was so buzzed
I subdued the queen
and forgot when and why
IIIIIIII
would ever take a backseat
to EEEEEEEEE

the enfeebling mistake
veiled as a no-no
the little miss brazen **** bears the brunt
of what now must be a joke
incoherently fishing about for the juice
indecent glycemic index
meter says 30
profile says 10
or 15
milligrams of the judy blue pastille
no gobs to say about she
but when her jeans genuflect
no tiff
no tease
be a lamb or another even-toed ungulate
and give the poor girl what she needs

When ya gotta go,
Ya gotta go,
So here I go.