Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
Carrie Ross Nov 2011
Have I told you about my wife?
Middle aged
Muslim woman
She uh
She uh
She a
Shiite
Catholic
No
Not quite
Not on Fridays
Only eat fish
On Fridays
Unless
Unless you forget
Unless you're next to lake Michigan
Have I told you about my African History professor?
Osumaka
Osumaka Likaka
Cotton
Cotton in Colonial Zaire
Not for the weak of heart
If he sees your ankles
He might mistake it as a personal attack
Or invitation
Too much rumble
Tummy tumble
Eat some shellfish
Eat some pork
God didn’t forget
But we did
Whoops
If God saw you break your fast
when you were *******
What does that say about God?
And if God saw you being intimate with Osumaka
What would upset him more?
The fact that you broke your fast again with the *******?
Or the fact that you weren’t wearing your burka?
You just wore the hood?
Good
Thank God for swine
Thank God for shellfish
And most of all, thank God for burkas
Because you are one ugly *****.
Carrie Ross Nov 2011
not quite a girl
not quite a woman
not really a witch
for lack of a better word
she's quite the witch
her feet
and the sound of her voice
rise and fall
with my patience and libido
for lack of a better way of explaining it
she knows I love her but she doesn't care
for lack of a better method of shutting me up
our lips will meet, greet, say “ta-ta”
off she goes
other side of the room
other side of the globe
her behavior seems to say
“for lack of anything better to do
I misrepresent myself
and choose YOU”
I'm not her plan A,B or C
but lonely punctuation
behind those she'd rather see
our time together haunts me
and took ownership of a part of my brain
I call it love while my physician gives it a different name
for lack of a better way to keep me sane
he feeds me poison and tells me it's okay
I hear her voice
I see her eyes and she sees mine
she smiles, nods and turns away
for lack of a better way to say goodbye
she tells me she'll always be a part of me
anger hurt, searing pain
would be nice to see her again
she was never mine but I was always hers
for lack of any desire to be polite
get em by the throat and never let em go
it is too soon but I was too late
for lack of a better way to give advice
what else is there to say?
Carrie Ross Nov 2011
worker ant caught visiting a brothel doesn't understand why the giant bread crumbs bump into each other in such a way.
Carrie Ross Nov 2011
I was so buzzed
I subdued the queen
and forgot when and why
IIIIIIII
would ever take a backseat
to EEEEEEEEE
Carrie Ross Nov 2011
Eat honeydew on your honeymoon but don't elope with a cantaloupe for obvious reasons
Carrie Ross Nov 2011
I used to enjoy the sound that the hooves of horses made
When traveling across cobble stone streets,
so it's a shame,
that the majority of the time it doesn't come from a horse at all
but from some idiot
hitting the two halves
of a hollowed out coconut together.
Some idiot who has the pleasure of walking around on two legs and doesn't have
to stand when sleeping
and doesn't have to worry about “strangles”
because “strangles” doesn't mean anything to this idiot
but then again “strangles” probably wouldn't mean much to a horse
If you were to talk to a horse about “strangles”.
Clip clop, clip clop, clip clop
*******,  
you're not fooling me.
Carrie Ross Nov 2011
A frat boy's superficial nightmare
selfishly appropriates the dance floor with her all too big of a ***
with two legs like a grand piana
thank God mommy didn't name her “Hannah”
she ain't too nifty
but tries with the hope of one day weighing less than 250
with her love handles only do so with extreme caution
don't you dare mention how you sit next to her in a class of 60  
though her desk is situated at the other end of the room
tell her she's pretty
but move into ultrasound when completing the phrase with a direct reference to plump or ugliness laugh if you find this funny
and don't if you don't
but don't don't don't tell me to leave subversion
to people who actually know how it works
because I do
but I do not think it's appropriate to call this satire
because it's so close to what I've heard and what so many young women hear on a daily basis
so please
remember your acne
your pygmy genitalia
and the embarrassing fact that you
and the last carbon-based life form you had as a ****** partner
share a set of grandparents
be a gentleman
keep your chauvinistic squeals to a minimum as you compare such women out of your league
to pigs because your tail couldn't be more of a spiral at this point
*******
get out of the way to make room for us sea cows
immaturity
jealousy
****** frustration aside
whether you like it or not
this is where we ******* swim
Next page