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TWO loves had I. Now both are dead,
And both are marked by tombstones white.
The one stands in the churchyard near,
The other hid from mortal sight.

The name on one all men may read,        
And learn who lies beneath the stone;
The other name is written where
No eyes can read it but my own.

On one I plant a living flower,
And cherish it with loving hands;      
I shun the single withered leaf
That tells me where the other stands.

To that white tombstone on the hill
In summer days I often go;
From this white stone that nearer lies
I turn me with unuttered woe.

O God, I pray, if love must die,
And make no more of life a part,
Let witness be where all can see,
And not within a living heart.
Guilt is fear of eye contact
that spells out its name
in the knots of your forehead
as it calls me a fool in a thousand
ways. Because as you wound
yourself around me you made me
jagged and insane: an open can
of worms, with none as spineless
as you.

This winter creep’s been cruel
like limits that I stuck to, and
when you pushed them you shoved
me, and my instability you proved:
because bourbon’s burn
fails to drown everything I can’t
forget. It leaves me broke and
leaves you beautiful in my head.
 Dec 2012 Carolynn
oh me oh my
They ask me if I still love you.

I blush, grin and say;

of course.

Why?

Because your eyes are of the most utter ocean blue,

but other days they're the currents of the stormy grey sea.

I see a current of salty water, deep, once blue, but now a faded grey.

I see a bundle of darkened grey clouds in the distance,

and the thunder rumbles from your irises,

and I hear it pound in the back of my mind.

I wonder if you knew.

I see a spark of lightening flash, only once in a while,

while you look at her.

My throat corrodes with bile.


She says she sees green demons lurking in the depth of my own ocean currents,

and I shrug.

What am I supposed to say?

I know you think about her.

Night and day.


The hardest part,

is a generic, old saying.

If you love them,

you let them go.

If they love you enough to stay,

or to come back,

you never let go.





But you haven't come back.
EDIT: Wow. Never expected this to blow up as big as it did. I thank you all so much!
EDIT: 2/15/14
i would say i never loved you, but that is a lie.
they say that your *first* love makes *you realize*, your first *love* wasnt really your first.
i pray for the day this happens.
*getting over you was the best thing i ever did.
and i did it for myself.*
so, one last:
*******.
you.***
EDIT: 9/14/14
i still hate you.
and you don't deserve her.
EDIT:   12/01/14
im sorry. you still arent
the same person
and neither is she.
but we all grow up.

EDIT
10/14/20
I was going through my bookmarks
on my old computer and found my old writings.
I just wanted to update this one last time to say things are better,
things are good. Thanks again for all the likes and comments.
 Nov 2012 Carolynn
Canaan Massie
3 days without a remedy.
Nothing to remind me,
Of who I am,
And not who I was.

3 days and I'm tweaking,
Because you aren't here.
I keep losing my temper,
And biting my tongue.

I can hardly control myself.
I have no medication,
For the inevitable insanity,
That is creeping up faster than ever.

Being this way makes me wonder,
How I ever got you in the first place.
I am not a pleasant being.
I'm ****** and unstable.

I'm not me.
I'm the other me.
The left me,
Because you bring out the right in me

My hands are trembling,
Just sitting here.
I'm going to combust.
And when I do...

I'm taking everybody with me.
 Sep 2012 Carolynn
Aiyana Kimi
Heavy hearts
Heavy hands
Reluctant eyes
I hate goodbyes
Can't move forward, can't go back
Right in the middle, completely trapped 
A fate that now no one can save us from
Looking now at what we've become
What comes next? I do ask 
Not knowing is the hardest task
One thing to hold on to, can't seem to let go 
What could have been we will never know 
Maybe it's best to be this way, but if that the case why do you cross my mind everyday? 
I won't bother you, I won't fuss 
Just march forward knowing I love you, and will never forget us.
 Sep 2012 Carolynn
gg
Numb
 Sep 2012 Carolynn
gg
It's the way
That I can
Be angry,
Say I am furious,
And then hold onto it
Like a child whose
Mother tied his balloon
Around his wrist
It's there,
But only
When I look at it
It's that detachment,
The numbness,
The fact that I am only surprised
For a second,
That makes me afraid
 Sep 2012 Carolynn
Kai Vonne Lutz
As i lay in this field
I question the sky
Am i alive?
Or did i already die?
As i walk through this field
I question the earth
Is this all real?
Or did i already die?
I collapse in the woods
And i question myself
Is it worth being alive
Without you by my side
I must have already died
It is, that one moment.
when you realize that you want it.
Like a kid who feasts his eyes on a new toy,
or a teenage girl who falls in love with an older boy.
Their eyes stare into something they think they need
and they want it all to themselves, showing greed.
The mother of that child wants to give her son a smile
but she wants to show him true happiness for a while.
The kind of happiness that her naive boy cannot physically feel,
but he is reluctant to learning, for he wants something real.
Like that teenage girl, she wants to give and receive true love,
but she wants to know from whom will this love come from.
The older guy has a way with words, and an ever so charming grin
he knows that if he tells her meaningless statements that he will win.
This girl will fall for any trick to find out what this word love means
so she gave him her everything because they were in love, so it seemed.
On the bright side, the young boy got his toy that he "needed" so badly,
but this naive boy never did learn how to be truly happy.
So he grew up thinking everything was a game, and girls were toys,
and that teenage girl fell in love, with him, and didn't care about the other boys.
This girl had to learn the hard way, that not everyone who says I love you will stay,
he left her, with broken promises, a broken heart, and went away...away....away.


At least she had the ability to love someone, not something
She will one day find a man, not a boy, who will give her everything.
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