When I close my eyes I remember...
I remember your gentle touch,
Your passion filled kisses,
The way you smile when you win.
I think of the time you called me special,
And the time you said you loved me...
And how it took no prodding from me.
When I close my eyes I remember it all;
How you held me each time I cried,
How you promised me that I'd be okay,
And how you told me that you would stay.
When I close my eyes I think of you,
I think of our first time hanging out,
I think of my nerves on our first date,
I think of the butterfly kisses we shared.
I think of my failed attempts at cooking too.
When I close my eyes I think of you...

And I hope you think of me too.

"We had no idea she felt that way,"
"I wish I could have told her to stay,"
"She was so pretty...what a shame."
These are the things you're taught to say...
when someone you hardly knew ends their life.
But is that in fact all we can do?
Post about them after pulling the trigger,
Teach them that sadness is meant to hide,
But if killing oneself is the way to go,
Then sadness grew to be so much bigger.
You see...we don't talk about depression,
yet wonder about all the aggression,
And we give our youth misdirection,
Every time we stifle their pain.

And then someone pops some pills,
Or slits their wrists and we're concerned.
Where were we when they cried for help?
Where the hell were we when they cried for help?

We weren't concerned because we didn't take them seriously,
"Everyone gets sad but it gets better"
Is all we said.
And we turned our backs as if it was no big deal...
And now they're dead.

Tear stains are etched along my face,
I cried the day that I packed my s* and I walked away.
Tear stains are etched along my face when I think about you and think about all of the hell you put me through,
and how I called it love when you always pushed me away...
but when it's good it's great right?
that's what I thought anyways but the whole time you were just playing games. The whole **** time you were just playing games...but I remember how you didn't want to hurt me...and you hurt me everytime you called this a thing and then you denied it to your friends and family.
You hurt me everytime we had serious conversations about a future we would NEVER have because you had no intentions of ever having me in your future.
You hurt me every single f*ing time.
Tear stains are still etched along my face when I think about the fact I made that decision for you.
You had no right to that decision at all especially given the fact that you had no intentions of being around in my life in the future,
Why the hell did I let you make such a big decision for my future,
When it's my life that I changed FOREVER by saying yes, I'll get it done.
I gave up my right to decide because I thought you loved me and I thought that was right.
I thought I'd be alone in this and I was right but not in the sense that I initially believed; I'm alone in feeling so broken up inside every day and every night...will I ever be alright?--- wait this isn't about me this is about you.
Tears are still etched gracefully along my cheeks as I say thank you.
Thank you for teaching me what love isn't,
for helping me to understand what it can be.
Thank you for caring about me...you did care otherwise you wouldn't have been there after we did what we did.
You cuddled me and coddled me for many nights so thank you for caring.
Thank you for letting me go,
thank you for not putting up a fight for the us that would never be; that we would never see.
Thank you for not holding me back in life by making me think that maybe this could turn out right.
Thank you for letting me be me without You and you without me.
We weren't good for each other now I see, So thank you.
Tears are etched along my face... but ****...I look happy today.

Please don't tell me I'll be a great mom someday,
I will never know that fate.
I gave up that right when I gave up their lives,
And now the mere thought of it makes me sick.
I had mixed emotions when I peed on the stick,
But this fairytale has a sick twist;
You see the prince couldn't see himself tied down with this particular lady,
And the princess' love made her brain go hazy.
She made decisions where she couldn't possibly know what the outcome would be,
And now her pain is left for everyone around to see.

So please please please don't tell me what a great mother I would be...
because you will never see exactly what that does to me.

I want to disappear into the night,
Skip out and learn to fly,
Run away from all of this pain.
He is preparing me to walk away,
And they might be splitting up.
She is having nightmares nightly,
And he's to be buried in a few days.
I'm playing superhero to all,
With no one to catch me as I fall.
Where do I go when I don't wanna feel?
Who do I talk to when all I do is cry?
Where do you turn when you want to die?

I'm broken inside.

I start the day early,
And I end it late.
"Out for five"
Means I'm out for eight.
My soul is weeping,
And my body aches.
I have no energy,
To deal with this stupidity,
I need a ****** break.
Vacation denied,
Another bottle of wine,
Cigarettes to fill my time.
Nicotine is my diet,
And I'll sleep when I'm dead.
"This is the life you've chosen,"
Well now my spirit's broken,
And I want a bullet in my head.
I'm too proud to crawl home,
But I long for my comfort zone.
Where does one turn when blind,
War is raging within my mind,
"Quit and go home dearie,"
But maybe I'll stay and go mad instead,
Or maybe I'll just end up dead.
Time clock, login, password, clock in...
The mind numbing cycle continues,
And now I'm too far in to quit.
**** it....pull the ******* trigger,
This working girl lost to something bigger.

Death come quickly,
I followed your rules;
I slit my wrists,
Downed the pills,
And wrote a note.
Death come quickly,
I'm in pain now...
I feel sick to my stomach,
My pet's are worried,  
And I have yet to bleed out.
Death come quickly,
For I am violently vomiting,
Writhing in pain on the floor,
Wishing like hell for my end,
And crying my eyes out.

Death come quickly...
For I need you my friend.