"how was it like to feel a heartbreak?", her sister asked.
"was it like getting your tooth pull out? 'cause that really hurts."

she took a breath, and smiled at her.
"no, it's the pain before that. it's all those sleepless night holding your cheeks, wishing you could scream because it hurts so bad but you just couldn't."

that's what it felt like.
how i wish i could easily pull a heartbreak out like pulling a single tooth.

when every girl wants to be a stalk of rose, she believes in herself and be a sunflower.
when everyone else wants to be in a constellation, she believes that she could shine just as bright, as a single star.

and she did.

how stupid of i
to fall for a glimpse of an eyesight

when the way he looks at you
he looks at her that way too

2016

Love.
It is a really short and simple word, and yet people always mistaken on the meaning of it.

What is love?
Is it love when you're around him, your heart beats faster and get nervous straight away?
Is it love when he walks by, and suddenly you turn into a complete idiot and your brain stops working?
Is it love when he smiles at you, the world suddenly stops and you'll blush because you notice that his smile is so ******* charming?

If your answer to those questions are yes, then you've been wrong this whole time.

Love isn't suppose to make you nervous, to make you look like a complete fool.
Love, is suppose to make you comfortable.
It is suppose to feel like home, but the difference is, you don't find this 'home' at a place.

You find it on a person.
A person who knows you to the very deep of your soul, who knows every detail of you. And you don't find it on a person you just met.

So, do I believe in love at first sight?
Not at all, not even a tiny bit.

But, I do believe when you meet a person, there's this click.
You don't "love" him at the very moment you see him, but it is as if your feeling tells you that there's something about this person.
Something that makes you feel, that he is different.

And, people live for that click.


You don't actually know what that click will brings you to, and that's what makes feelings are so interesting, isn't it?


Because you can only let your feelings flow and it will show you where it goes.

2017

Lost in your thoughts,
'til day dreaming becomes your daily habit.
Countless of sleepless nights,
strong enough to make you feel weak.

If he's the one,
or if he's not,
is he even worth it?


It is always a beautiful thing when a person starts falling for someone.
The way her eyes will sparks when she sees him, the way she can't hide her excitement when she talks about him.
The way she glances at him and trying to hold it back.

The way she's lost in her thoughts,
every day and night,
thinking,
wondering,
maybe,
just maybe,
if there's even a slight chance for it?

Holding back the thoughts is one thing.
But the way a person craves for the chances, craves for the possibilities, is a completely different thing.

She can't hide how her eyes sparks.
She can't lie about her stupid little glances at him.
It tortures her, yes, but what can she do?

Secretly,
She'll be hoping his eyes will light up when he talks about her, like she talks about him.
Hoping when their eyes meet, he'll curve a little smile at her.

And secretly,
She'll be hoping,
between those little glances, he might look back for a little while.

Secretly?
Yeah.

Because there is never any certainty when it comes to feelings.

how i wish my eyes were polaroids,
capturing your smile that seems impossible to not be noticed.

'cause you're so drown in her,
like i am drown in you.

realizing that making efforts don't always mean you'd get what you want
that trying hard enough isn't always good enough

trying to sleep but still kept awake anyway
studying till dawn but still failing anyway

trying to heal the pain you gave but still aches anyway
forgetting you but still remembering anyway

2016

Feelings are complicated, and yet feelings are unbearable.
You can try so hard figuring out what's going on with you, to deny what you feel, to give up on it.
But if it's not meant to be, those feelings will still be there.

One fascinating thing about feelings, is that you absolutely have no idea how or when or why you feel it.

You can just see this one guy everyday, and it was all normal.
And one day, you just somehow start to notice things about him.

You'd start to notice how he acts, towards you, or his friends, or your friends.

You begin to look a little deeper into his eyes, and memorising how beautiful his dark brown eyes can be.
How those eye bags underneath his eyes, tells how less he sleeps at night.

How he smiles and laughs, when he curves his lips like a little kid and how you can hear the breath he takes in between his laughter.

You'll start to pay attention whenever his group of friends pass by, to see if he's there. Maybe, you'll find any reason to actually see him as often as you could.

And you begin to look for him, wondering if he is around you.

But, do you think, that is when you are falling for someone?
No.

You were admiring him. You just happen to see that he's worth your attention.

Admiring is when you start seeing him.

But falling?
Falling is when you begin trying to see through him.

You begin questioning things on your head about him, wondering things you never thought you will.

Wondering if he stares at you, as deep as you do.
Wondering what he'd be doing at those hours when your insomnia comes, does he stare at ceiling on his bed? Or he'd be listening to music just like you?
Wondering, calculating the what if's you have, if you guys are together.

How you suddenly try to remember every moment that you have crossed path with him, and wondering why you never notice him before.

Why now?

Why him?

Well, the best thing about it is, you can do nothing about it.

i knew how any of this is going to be.
i knew at the end you wouldn't be here.
i knew i should've walk away when everything was still easy.

but i couldn't.

just like a wound,
feelings don't just vanish overnight.