once upon a time, he called me Jasmine. princess,
rub my lamp to see all your wishes
come true.
i had red nails, they stained the walls as he kept saying
"you’re so lovely, you’re divine".
drown me until i fill myself with
waste and
melted snow.
maybe i am the ***** you always thought.
i walk among foggy sidewalks, breached with beer
and lust. i was once a girl who wanted it all.
now i just want a drink in one hand, yours in another,
neon lights penetrating, entering,
and you calling my name until i cannot hear anything
else.
i have demons, ghosts, parasites.
i drive them away with butcher knives and spider mascara.
won’t you stay a while,
darling?

I want to rest.

I want to be Earth-
my skin, loose soil,
yellow button dandelions
pushing through
the dirt in my chest,
as puddles fill my outstretched hands
while my hair twists into the roots of trees;
and the wind picks up
to scatters pieces of me
side by side
the dandelion seeds.

I wait, excited for when I see you again.
touch your fingers
kiss your lips
hear your voice.

But you always wanted more.

Because instead of wanting to see me
you wanted to see how the dress you bought looked on my body,
instead of touching my fingers
you wanted to invade  the parts of my body i regarded sacred,
instead of kissing my lips
you wanted to devour my mouth
and dominate me to show how weak i am,
instead of hearing my voice
you wanted moans and cries of pleasure
screams for the world to hear that I belong to you.

I sit here on the bed.
After your rounds of happiness and my forced labor.
I ask you who was the girl that you were so clearly flirting with last night and you tell me  it was just harmless flirting
and I bite my tongue
because i wanted to scream at you
Is it harmless,
that when you canceled on our date because you said you were sick,
someone told me that they saw you at a club, that you were gripping that girl's waist
and grinding on her like you were her man?
Is it harmless,
that everyday you rub it in my face how immensely inexperienced and timid i am
compared to the other girls you've been with?
Is it harmless,
that you asked me if it's okay if you ***** other girls
and I was taken aback and it was clear that I didn't approve?
You said
"They don't really mean anything, I just need some variety."
I knew right there that even if I didn't allow you, you'd still do it.
And right now
I’m just confused more than ever as I ask you again
What exactly we are and you say
“We're exclusively dating.”
But most of the time it’s more like
exclusively *******
with each other
with other emotions
with our non-existent commitments.
Because after just a mere 5 minutes of you being with me
and I refuse to spread my legs for you,
you have the nerve to lie to my face and look me in the eye and say
"My love for you gets stronger everyday."
And I swoon, being the naive little girl that I am
I am hung up on your words and I say yes when you ask me if we're okay.
But I know that by okay you mean okay with being invaded.
And with every pound, with every ******
The word love is replaced by lust
so now the sentence is
"My lust for you gets stronger everyday
and my love for you decreases the same."

I am so tired and so worn down from the weight of all my insecurities and you come hobbling in with your own bag of insecurities and stick it inside of me which you only do when other girls don't want you to.

Well guess what
For the first time in my life,
I'm
gonna
say
no.

it's dark and it's cold so we put our coats and scarves and gloves on before we
leave the house and catch the first train we can find to a city where we watch our
breath like little clouds in front of us and smoke and kiss and find a building to
climb to the roof and sit and drink until we are tipsy while we watch the world
and feel like we are on top of everything and think we are invincible and we hold hands
and kiss some more and talk about everything possible until the sun comes up over
the skyline when we climb back down and get a train home and climb into bed
together and tangle into each other then fall asleep for the rest of the day

I saw a boy in maroon pants singing himself hymns

The boy became air and hummed tunes to each daisy

They danced on fathers back, carried away from the grass

The grass not cut since last time the lighthouse illuminated

Light for each flower that rolled fire down the hills

Sixteen cuts and not a drop of blood to prove

Just how strong the neck of a daisy can be.

he told me, "put down the cigarette,"
worried i'd get sick.
i looked at him with regret,
craving nicotine like a nervous tick.
we left around half past twelve,
just to clear the air,
leaving my heart on the shelves.
he asked, "is this really fair?
breaking my heart this way?"
he reiterated his worry.
and i laughed it all away
"don't fret, my honey.
i'm clean and new.
my heart has been glued
and is no longer in two.
i'm eating my food -
see look! my ribs!
they're aren't as pronounced.
maybe one day we really can have kids."
his hand held mine as he denounced
that i was still no good
i was still no better
than before emotions would flood
his heart, i still his debtor.
so on i went,
forward to the waves,
and on this pole i leant,
until i came to with sun's rays...
and i became one with the sea.
she is more than i would ever be.