I need happy
and sun and breeze and warmth
and slow, steady breathing
I need constant
and true and unfailing
I need willing

I really need touch
to be held, to hold back
to feel your breath over my neck
to feel your lips meet the small of my back
I need my lips grazing your arms
my hands sliding over your chest

I need innocence
I need calm and new and refreshing
and honest and hopeful

an old soul trapped inside a 16 year old body
his words poured over her with the deepest devotion
that he could to offer her torn and ragged heart
in the back of her mind, something tugged
and whispered
                 don't let him go
she told him about her deepest fears
and how they came true a year ago
he told her how he'd like to trace the outline of her
on his satin bedspread
until she fell soundly and safely asleep for the first time in months
every morning she woke up and believed the sunlight
peeking through the slits in her curtains
because she knew it was a reflection of him
thinking of her

she sits alone in her bed with the lights on
and wonders where he went and why he went there
whether she had done something wrong or if it was an honest mistake
whether or not the skin on his chest was pure sunshine
like she had always imagined it to be
and most importantly
if she ever crosses his mind

dark, silent room
feet tangled in old flannel sheets
slow breathing, deep breathing
arms wrapped around a pillow

but eyes wide open
mind buzzing with discomfort
heart sinking with loneliness
until the sun spills through her window

the pills in the medicine cabinet
are cooing me
to a warm slow drop
into oblivion

my heart drops continuously
as the voices yell
pathetic, alone, unwanted
ignorant, wasted, inadequate
fat, ugly, unloved
i feel the tide pulling me out again
the first time in a couple of months
and i don't know how to fight it
and i almost don't even want to fight
i want it to win
because wallowing in self hatred is so much easier
than struggling to believe in love
when i haven't felt it in months.

my laughter hides it well
all the heartache and nights spent
crying and cutting for nothing
i don't know what's wrong with me
but i know there is a lot wrong
i see it in their eyes
how they could love me
if i was slender and didn't laugh
quite as loud
if my hair was naturally straight
and my makeup was tattooed on
if i could just get a single **** thing right

i don't want to be second best anymore
can someone hear me?
i've been pleading for years!
how can you leave me wallowing like this?
i hate you cause you know how i feel
yet you would never do a single thing
to help me
i don't know how to ask for help
because i have tried, believe me,
but nothing works

hushed under the flannel blankets
that have formed a mountain on my bed,
i lie, hair tied and mascara running,
in wait of one ******* person
to let me know
that they care unfathomably about me
         is it really that hard
to be found dumbstruck at the sight
of the sunlight tangled in my hair
at 7 a.m.,
of me drinking mug after mug of coffee
on the porch as i write,
of me laughing with a shimmer in my eye
and trust and hope on the curves of my lips?

i guess it is quite difficult,
i cannot seem to be taken aback
by myself either.