i want privacy
mornings spent slept in
nights spent alone
in the corner of the book shop
i don't want anyone to understand me


but even more
i long for someone who intrudes
and wonders about me
genuinely interested in my quirks
and thoughts

for my sanity
i've taken on the duty of deleting
your number on my phone-
the last trace of you i have left-
yet it takes me hours in order to
press the button

and now as i'm wide awake
lying in bed at 3 a.m.
i'm sorely wishing i hadn't
pushed you out of my life
in the first place

your words are delectably dark
the most intriguing sentences form in my ears
i can barely take them all in
you have me hooked and i sense my soul being
dragged under your blankets
but i can't feel a thing
i grab your face and search it for something i cannot find
where has it gone?
i sink back now
you aren't who i fell for

i'm stuck again
i find myself emotionally involved in every inch of you
your collarbones, jaw line
arms, hands
chest
i heave myself into them all
i want to be as close to you as possible
my kisses brush on all of them
i find no end to my madness for you
i'm losing myself
blurring the boundaries between you and i
what have i done?
everything has become slow
but i can't seem to brush my cheeks over you
as quickly as i'd like to
hiding my face in your chest,
i pray i do not have leave your grasp
the warmth of your presences seeps into my chest
trickles into my stomach
reaches my ankles
i do not want to escape

i wasn't searching for you the first time i spoke with you
in the hushed library
i am unfathomably lucky
i feel what you feel even though you have no idea
and when you glance down at your hands
i understand the loneliness
when you lay your head down
i drown in disappointment

at the moment
i'm praying that somehow i have to move with you
that way i can keep you safe from
the dreadful voices in your head as you feebly attempt
to adjust to yet another school
i know you have trouble with this
and how difficult you find it

i carry you in my heart
you are the perfect baggage

i hope you didn't notice
my gazing today
but you're so beautiful
and i know i can't have you
not how i want you

i want to keep you secure
and build up walls around you
so no one can touch you
because i know you're secretly scared
but you won't allow it
i'm not sure what you want

i've been frantically asking
for all of the wrong things
like a first kiss, a hand around my waist
some loose change

what i actually need
are a few true friends
an intriguing book, a canvas
and time to think