I still think of you every ******* day
The sight of you weeps over into my eyes
I spin the record fighting the demon dwelling up inside
My stomach twirls and my lungs clutch
And I can't help but think how horrible I am
Because I now have someone who makes it all easy
Makes the days float by like he shifts time and stops the meaning of-
and I can't help but ask myself why you still are sprayed into my ******* eyes

I am so ******* tired of this feeling. It breaks down my barrier and cuts to the bone
So deep that I've lost myself because I've accepted that it is over
But my heart can't seem to forgive you, or forgive myself -
For everything that I became when you flaunted your teeth and closed the door
And ever since then apart of me has been dead-

And for that-
I still ******* hate this feeling that overcomes my entire being every time I am reminded of you.
Cynical ***** I have become-
I honestly just no longer give a ****.
Not even about this ****** piece of scribble-

I guess it is a good thing it is summer
Adderall, *******, Marijuana, Tobacco
The record no longer soothes the numbing feeling
And Radiohead only screams back your name.

******* and this ******* feeling.

Here I am back to this lonely hole, an empty white page
it is so comforting, so familiar
yet I cringe at the pain and the throbbing memories
that pump through my veins and rebuild themselves

I've wanted for so long to be loved like no other,
No comparison, no second thoughts
No doubt
Only love

I've longed for someone who understands without the whisper or scream
One who seeks comfort in my silence
One who grasps how contagious and infectious
and how ******* destructive my mind can be

One who understands the duplication of these cancerous thoughts
that lurk about the sunshine as it bleeds through the window and screams on the radio
all hoping for new beginnings and some sort of happiness
Changing your never ending path that you continue to walk

This path in which I walk has only been filled with traps and holes
I fall and get caught, and try to scrape off the dirt and deal with the pain
I want to be hopeful and believe in something more,
something so much more than these bitter disappointments

I tell myself not to dwell, this is a constant reminder
not to constantly acknowledge the ghosts that lurk and follow
upon the path at which I walk.
I tell myself that I have to be okay with walking this path alone
That good things come to those who wait,
or maybe that too is a trap

I am filled with so much doubt, running in a circle
like a mouse ignorant of the box in which it is contained
constantly running down this never ending path.

The drip of the ink
mocks the silent screams
that are crushed and sink

Deep down to the depths of the sea
The cold chills to the bone
that quivers the structure of my knees

It unlocks the vault filled with the stacks
Of the harbored wounds
That are beginning to make me crack.

I am stuck
Stuck in a world
A world in which I do not belong
Fish out of water
Flopping around
Gasping for air
Cringing at the light
Suffocated by society

I fear exposure
Weakening towards death
An open wound

My heart pounds
at the beat of the drum
the weight of the stick
thrusting against the symbols
the vibrations hallowing out my insides
weakening the core, releasing the vibrato

The strings of the guitar
puppet my motion, igniting my being
physical but immobile to the sweet sound
casting the reflections of the shadows of my soul

I stand tall, mocking the vocal stick
Numb to the sounds that are screaming
and singing deep within my soul
The lyrics spit out without effort
though are silenced, and chained
And composed upon the spinning record

Some days I feel like I do today
itching, aching, craving,
for something more
to be apart of something
Something, so much more

Some days became a one day
the one day I met you
and that some day, became the day
the day you smiled,
melting the days which began to slowly,
yet consistently pour into one another

Some days the sight of you
consumes my entire being
your existence grabs ahold of mine
twisting and tightening my organs

Some days I can’t help but laugh
because this nervous feeling
reminds me of how pathetic and silly
my mind can really be, But you,
You have something of mine

Some days I can’t explain
what you do to me
I smile and nod trying so hard to hide
and fight the rushing blood
that fills my cheeks
blooming at the thought of you

Some days I have to remind myself
to breathe and take each moment
for exactly what it is
and to not stumble and fall
when you walk through that door

Some days I question why you,
you have such a strong hold on me,
a hold that soothes back to childhood
of the girls with their secrets,
and the boys with their taunts,
chasing one another on the playground

Today I am silent
and at ease
with the lifeless voices
that echo
through these four walls

Today I am comfortable with being alone
and facing all the demons
that dwell deep within
these four walls

Today I feel free
from all the troubles
that life has handed me

Today I laugh
as I look out
The mountains and trees
recognize me
They smile back as I thank them
for their beauty and insight

Today I reflect on the past
So many lessons, so many obstacles
They build the blocks
that stand the tower strong
but weaken
behind these four walls

Today I address the present
and welcome the thoughts
that cloud ones mind
They bring about new wonders
That only time can unfold

Today I dream of the future
And all of the unknowns it holds
It fills me with excitement and anxiety
A fire and ice
A black hole



Today I am happy
with just being free
with what urks
deep inside of me

Today these four walls
remind me
to take these moments and
appreciate ones unique perspective
of their reality.

The rain sings as it braces my skin
Its sweet, soft touch
Clings to my concept of being
It rushes over me
Hit by a freight train
Chilling to the very nerve

It pounds to the ground
screaming of its existence
scrubbing over
every last inch
of life’s impurities

It mocks my heart
Down to the center core,
Destruction,
Innocence
Its intent,
Its power,
unknown-

She twists the **** of the door
the wood creaks of her arrival
He glances towards her
Questioning her sanity,
How could she come back for more?

He asked her to leave,
She refused
He chose to try and ignore
the girl who implanted
Such a ****** sore
That clutched his heart
Down to his center core

She sobbed at the sight of him
And her memories of their explosions,
bare upon the floor
The memories of holding him,
peacefully by the sea shore

She stood there
Awaiting for what he had in store
Deep within his conundrum
Little did they know,
This was only,
The prewar

The shadows bring a certain comfort
That spites one to hide from the light
that bares ones weaknesses
and cancerous thoughts
That consume and copulate
And duplicate, and destroy
the very depths
of the mind.

The children’s laughter echoes through the streets
As the wind blows
The autumn leaves
grace the shallow creek

The soft colors awaken my smile
A new perspective of being
Reality--
It reigns of a dark slumber

But the autumns trees
and smell of winter’s eve
soothes the lonely nights

The cold breeze bites deep to the bone
Reminding one to breathe
in life’s sweet touch
a painless ease

The clock ticks, a persistent sound
So timely, predictable, comforting
Straight like a board, simplicity is complexity
The small hand is their conductor
Pup-petting their very motion

The walls creak the sound of despair
Longing to be relieved from their shackles
Hollowing out their insides, Revealing their holes
Concrete, stucco, asphalt  
Solidifies their existence

The board mocks their silent screams
An empty canvas to be scribbled upon
Steered by the gestures of its very strokes
Tainted by the smell of the ink’s sweet high
A reflection of their inner thoughts

I break the stillness of the trees
Climb the tallest of mountains
Provide the oxygen to promise life
I am weightless, free, light
I whistle through the forests
Awakening their eyes

I antagonize hurricanes
Destruction, darkness, death
I sound the chimes
That ring throughout
The streets
Awakening their cries

I unlock the hold of the stem
Empowering the dead leaves
To fall upon the silent streets
Coloring the autumn months
Awakening their lives

Morning sunshine mourns of an old age
A past time that lurks in the shadows
of his bewildered heart, trapped in a cage
The light sets upon the empty bottles
Darkening the depths of his gaunt less rage
Dripping through the window ceil,
the light glows upon the purple sage
The dust casts the lining of her
As his tears bleed along the page
The past rebuilds itself as if it were
Yesterday

Why do I doubt?
Question my capabilities?
Block.
Build up a wall around myself
Protecting myself
From myself

Doubt that you will accept the scribbles
That I bleed upon my page

I need to let go of you
and all of the pain
that you put me through

I need to throw away
the memories that I hold
of the endless nights
during the month of May

I need to let myself breathe
a lesson I continued to learn
every time I watched you leave

I need to burn
everything I hold
of yours
into the urn

Because you promised
forever
Something
I never want to hear
you say
ever.

I turn to a new page
The blank space
in between the lines
desires
the drip
of the
black
ink,
a symbol
of my
rage.

Monday, September 10

I sit alone in the silent park
Sunshine breathes through the trees
The shadows cast light upon the dark
The darkness I choose not to see

The erie sound of construction lurks
It brings my mind to an ease
The battlefield rounds the destruction
in which society chooses not to see

Wednesday, September 5

The less I believe in him
The more I strengthen him

The more I believe he exists,
he mocks me with his laughter

he lurks deep within
he rules my very actions

I attempt to weaken him
Smaller he becomes

But he just awaits
for his time
to prove
that he
exists

He is
Satan

I close my eyes,
Pretend I am the wind
Weightless, calm, invisible
I feel you around me
Touching me
With your soft, brittle finger tips
You are the wind in which
I hold you
I feel you, you see me
I know you are here
I go numb
To every nerve ending
Because you are here
You are the wind